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This morning my husband said he only got that sinking feeling in his stomach once and was able to sleep ok. He has started eating again and we are talking a lot. About the affair and about the little things in life that we always used to. I in no way think that he will ever "get over this" in a way, but I am hopeful that over the next few months or even years we will be able to reconnect in a better way and continue to move forward. I am committed to him and will forever love him even if he decides at some point he can't cope with what I did to him.
I think in the end what you both will find is that your marriage is forever changed. There will be some mourning over this for both of you. He is probably doing that now as I am sure this is apparent to him, but it probably will become more apparent to you as time passes. That doesn't mean it can't still survive and thrive. @Mrs. John Adams would be are resident expert on this. Hopefully she will be along to help. She has experience, but I will let her tell her story. She is also much more positive and uplifting than I am.

One thing I would say, I would be hard pressed to think it would be better. I would advise you not to say this to him because from his perspective if he though his marriage was good to begin with and he was a good spouse you saying you want a better marriage would probably just be another slap in the face. My first question would be "what was wrong with the marriage?" Next "Is this how you tried to solve the problem?" A problem he may or may not even know existed. Finally "How will I ever have a better marriage now that I know my wife has been intimate physically with someone else? I mean are you kidding?" And if you think of it that is really counter intuitive. I would find that whole line of thinking insulting. Maybe if you said you want to be a better wife, that seems right, better marriage? Again my thinking would be "Your lucky if you get to have a marriage at all, now I have to do better? I didn't cheat!"

This line of thinking causes me to wonder was your marriage really as good as you thought or say now? I mean if you were getting drunk and hanging out all night with friends, got intimate with one of them and are now even saying you are hoping for a better marriage? Were you really blindsided or was this the inevitable end point of someone who was very unhappy and didn't deal with the problem in a healthy way. Are you now after the fact avoiding the elephant in the room. Maybe you really want out and you just feel guilty? I say that because I don't know one married women in a good marriage who is out very late with her friends getting stone drunk and watching movies. They are usually with their husbands. It needs to be said and thought about even if it's hard.

Finally hopefully he won't rug sweep as lots of men seem to want to do, especially ones who are not good at expressing their emotions. A lot of times this stuff comes back years later. But if he doesn't want to deal with it I would write out a detailed timeline while it's fresh in your mind. If it does come back there are usually questions and you won't remember what was going on. This can be a problem. Maybe journal what you are feeling so if he asks years from now you will know what to say.

I wish I could just write (It's all going to be fine, love conquers all) posts as it would be easier, but if you want a chance you got to really ask the hard questions and hear the hard answers. Infidelity is a huge life changing deal. Even if it's one night and only kissing.
 

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Discussion Starter #42 (Edited)
One thing I would say, I would be hard pressed to think it would be better. I would advise you not to say this to him because from his perspective if he though his marriage was good to begin with and he was a good spouse you saying you want a better marriage would probably just be another slap in the face. My first question would be "what was wrong with the marriage?" Next "Is this how you tried to solve the problem?" A problem he may or may not even know existed. Finally "How will I ever have a better marriage now that I know my wife has been intimate physically with someone else? I mean are you kidding?" And if you think of it that is really counter intuitive. I would find that whole line of thinking insulting. Maybe if you said you want to be a better wife, that seems right, better marriage? Again my thinking would be "Your lucky if you get to have a marriage at all, now I have to do better? I didn't cheat!"

This line of thinking causes me to wonder was your marriage really as good as you thought or say now? I mean if you were getting drunk and hanging out all night with friends, got intimate with one of them and are now even saying you are hoping for a better marriage? Were you really blindsided or was this the inevitable end point of someone who was very unhappy and didn't deal with the problem in a healthy way. Are you now after the fact avoiding the elephant in the room. Maybe you really want out and you just feel guilty? I say that because I don't know one married women in a good marriage who is out very late with her friends getting stone drunk and watching movies. They are usually with their husbands. It needs to be said and thought about even if it's hard.

I will admit that our marriage had been struggling a little over the past year dealing with all his health issues and the stress that goes along with that. He missed 3 months of work because his leg felt like it was either missing or on fire all while his back felt like someone was stabbing him over and over. He had 3 epidural steroid injections, tons of pain med changes, lots of physical therapy. At least 7 ER visits. Then the surgery and his pancreatitis attack that almost killed him and left him in the hospital for a week. then the Gall bladder removal....Needless to say I didn't get much attention and actually was told by him to F**K off once. NONE OF THAT IS AN EXCUSE FOR WHAT I DID!! Honestly it's not an excuse. I just am realizing I was feeling neglected and hurt and maybe this was some sort of horrible reaction to that. We had talked about all that I was feel during that time so I honestly thought I'd dealt with it.
 

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@guilty and regretful

I admire what you are doing here and with your husband. Introspective, showing remorse, learning, self-critical, willing to do the heavy lifting to repair your marriage...not something we see every day here.

Keep moving the chains. You're doing great.
 

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GandR,

Do you intend to continue to work with this woman? I don't think that is healthy for your marriage. Hopefully you can force the OW out of the company.

Did kissing die out in your marriage before this affair, because if it did your H will feel very cheated. His interpretation is that this proves it is him that's the problem. This will be one of the thousand thoughts and angles running through your Hs head at light speed.

My W has let on that she kissed a girl, but I don't know who, it kills me because women are what I denied myself to stay loyal to her and I can never be another woman.

Never say that it was only kissing as kissing is more sensual than sex it where sex and love cross each other.

I also sense that you are minimizing something and are afraid to tell your H the complete truth.

Tamat
 

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Discussion Starter #45
@ Tamat

I do not work with her she was just a friend and I will not be continuing it.

our physical relationship took a down turn but we had talked about it and things were starting to get better.

I consider kissing cheating honestly. Until that night my Husband was the only person I'd ever done anything more than hug and hold hands with.

I appreciate your concern that I'm holding something back but I am not I have been trying to remember everything that I can so that we can get it out and work through it.
@Idyit

Thanks for the encouragement!
@BarbedFenceRider

Thanks for the advice to still take care of myself as well. I do understand that if I implode it's bad for both of us.
 

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GnR how would you describe your relationship with the in-laws and your parents? And now after the infidelity? When your husband was in the hospital, were they around more to help or support? How would you describe your support system earlier in the marriage and to now?
 

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Try not to be so hard on urself. Yes you did things you should never have done especially the driving. It is called learning. If you can truly stick to not drinking u should be ok BUT get the counseling I think both of u need to learn more about what is inside of u. He is ur only relationship and today that is hard. so work for it and dont be surprised if ur friend comes back for seconds so be ready
 

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Discussion Starter #48
GnR how would you describe your relationship with the in-laws and your parents? And now after the infidelity? When your husband was in the hospital, were they around more to help or support? How would you describe your support system earlier in the marriage and to now?
the In-laws relationship is good on both sides. I don't see that changing honestly. He told me he doesn't plan on telling anyone in his family because he doesn't want them thinking badly of me. He is adamant that he is still committed to me and wants to continue our relationship and is being overall the most amazing man I could every imagine. I really feel we are going to pick up and move forward. My parents were able to come down and help out with the kiddos while he was in the hospital and his supported us a bit financially because they were too far to come out.
 

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Discussion Starter #49
Try not to be so hard on urself. Yes you did things you should never have done especially the driving. It is called learning. If you can truly stick to not drinking u should be ok BUT get the counseling I think both of u need to learn more about what is inside of u. He is ur only relationship and today that is hard. so work for it and dont be surprised if ur friend comes back for seconds so be ready
Thanks, I have a therapy appointment on the books (next month but still). I am really not wanting to drink but My husband has said that he's ok with me having a little with him only. I told him I will never drink with anyone other than him IF (big if) I decide in the distant future that is something I want back in my life. We have always enjoyed drinking together and I think he doesn't want to lose that little bit of fun we had with it. I told him I would rather lose that fun than him. He said I'd never lose him. He is absolutely amazing and I die a little inside every time he says things like that because I know I hurt him so bad. Working on forgiving myself and being the wife he knows I can be!

I will not be having contact with her other than chance meeting at places I don't know she's going to be. (grocery store ect)
 

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Sounds like u are saying all the right things but try to understand. You and he are rare in this world and believe it or not some people dont like that. But you have society telling you its ok, u have lots to experience, things to try. It will be a battle. Part of that fight is making ur marriage the strongest it can be. Learn about yourself as much as u can. Talk to each other even about things u want to hide, explore each other's interest. If one of u had a hobby the other hated it wouldnt mean they had to give it up or the other would have to join in. U can be supportive on the side lines
 

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I'd really, really, like to bring home how predatory this woman is/was and how very important you see that and understand it. Both for healing, keeping the resolve to keep her out of your life, and for the future so that you don't make the same mistake and let another predator into your life.

She knew you were in a rough patch recently. She invoted you over for movies and drinks to get you comfortable with being there having drinks. She waited until her SO was away and then invited you over. She then proceeded to deliberately get you very drunk likely in order to seduce you. When you protested the make out/grope session she ignored your feelings and basically told you to submit to what she was doing.


She groomed you and then took advantage of your trust knowing you're married and that this could destroy you and your husbands lives.

https://www.google.com/search?q=grooming+a+victim&oq=grooming+a+victim&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l5.2615j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

She is not a nice person. Yes, you need to be more aware of the bad in people. There's no shortage of it, that's for sure.
 

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Discussion Starter #52
It will be a battle. Part of that fight is making ur marriage the strongest it can be. Learn about yourself as much as u can. Talk to each other even about things u want to hide, explore each other's interest. If one of u had a hobby the other hated it wouldnt mean they had to give it up or the other would have to join in. U can be supportive on the side lines
We have always been a great team so we will battle together.

He called on his way home tonight to ask if it was ok for him to pick up some Jim Beam for the weekend. I told him yes as long as he promised not to pour me a drink. I have no problem with him still being able to enjoy a good whiskey or beer to relax. I'll just enjoy the benefits of a tipsy husband later that night ;)

Edited to add: If he shows interest and is ready.
 

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GandR,

Another possibility is the the OW and her H are swingers and this was a prelude to getting you into a threesome with them.

I hope your kids are not friends with her kids.

You might want to read "fall in love stay in love", "surviving an affair" and "his needs her needs" all by Dr Harley.

Back in 2008 the ideas from Dr Harley really helped my marriage.

Tamat
 

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GandR,

I'll add as others have said, getting someone drunk with the intent of having sex with them is really really revolting, this is something I remember other 14 year old boys talking about when I 14 years old and none of us had any sense.

Tamat
 

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G&R,

Find someone you trust to talk to. Somebody that will listen and let you talk. Don’t panic. Things happened that you didn’t want to, stresses in life overwhelmed you and your husband ( I know about chronic pain. It will drive you crazy). You have been talking, that’s good, quit or slowed drinking, that’s good , you’re on your way back. If nobody has told you you’re human and sometimes we screw up. Hardest thing will be to forgive yourself( I have that problem too) but DO IT. You will be alright. I’m sure of it.
 

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GandR,

What this woman did to you was similar to what Bill Cosby did, I think she needs to be shamed publically just like him or that Harvey Weinstein. Expose her widely without warning or threats.

I very surprised your H didn't give her a beat down frankly.

Tamat
 

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Discussion Starter #57
@Uselessmale

I have a friend that I've known my whole life and we have been talking about everything. She has been very helpful and supportive being on both ends of cheating. I am working on forgiving myself and trying to focus on the positive thoughts not the negative. I love my husband and I know that I can make the changes I need to ensure I don't put myself or him in this position again.

@ Tamat

My kids and hers were friends and this will be a difficult thing to break off for them but I plan on distracting them with play dates with other friends to keep their minds off of them. They do go to the same school so they will see them from time to time.

I will do what I need to do to make sure none of our other mutual friends have the same thing happen to them.


I am done drinking. Sober a full week now! I had a headache all week, it was brutal but it's going down. I didn't realize how hooked my body was to it. I'll continue to keep you all posted on things.


Edited to add: @TAMAT My husband is very angry with her but he is a really good man and doesn't tend to use his fists for anything. I've only ever seen him want to do violence once when someone close to him was dealing with domestic violence. (he let the cops handle it)
 
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