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You won't like what I am about to tell you.

You are going to have to end the friendship with your friend for 2 reasons. 1) She encouraged you to cheat on your husband 2) with her, and you now have a history with her that will not go away.

For your husband's peace of mind, you need to get her completely out of the picture.
 

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You won't like what I am about to tell you.

You are going to have to end the friendship with your friend for 2 reasons. 1) She encouraged you to cheat on your husband 2) with her, and you now have a history with her that will not go away.

For your husband's peace of mind, you need to get her completely out of the picture.
Oh yeah!

AND THIS!!!
 

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GandR,

You are rare for coming clean so quickly.

You might offer to take a polygraph to your H, years from now he might doubt he has the complete story and have a breakdown as a result. This may be crushing him on the inside more than you know.

Looking at it from your Hs perspective I doubt he believes you stayed there all night and never had orgasmic sex.

The friend has to be completely cut off along with any other alcoholic types.

Has your H confronted the OW, does the OW have a SO who needs to be informed.

Since you kissed and exchanged saliva please get tested for oral HPV, avoid giving your H oral sex or kissing for at least six months to prevent infecting him which can result in oral cancers.

https://www.cdc.gov/cancer/hpv/basic_info/hpv_oropharyngeal.htm

Tamat
 

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@TAMAT

Oh my word I'm super scared now!! I have a dr. appointment for another issue on the 8th of August so I'll ask for further testing. It's too late to keep my husband safe if I've got something from her. God I'm such an idiot!

I am going to for sure stop hanging out with my drinking friends.

My husband and I had her come over yesterday and talked things out. She is very regretful and remembers less than I do supposedly. She has a SO and we will all work together to make sure everyone knows what when on.
 

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I'm concerned that this woman is promiscuous and has been exposed to a larger population of other people who are also promiscuous. This is especially unfair to your H since you have kept an exclusive relationship so far.

If the OW is your boss your H should go to HR and get her fired so there is no further contact, work contact is contact, and your H will wonder what is going on at work. Possibly your H need for forceably suggest that OW fall on her sword and quit.

How does the OW SO feel about this?

https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/silent-epidemic-cancer-spreading-among-men-n811466

Tamat
 

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Discussion Starter #26
I'm concerned that this woman is promiscuous and has been exposed to a larger population of other people who are also promiscuous. This is especially unfair to your H since you have kept an exclusive relationship so far.

If the OW is your boss your H should go to HR and get her fired so there is no further contact, work contact is contact, and your H will wonder what is going on at work. Possibly your H need for forceably suggest that OW fall on her sword and quit.

How does the OW SO feel about this?


To my knowledge she isn't promiscuous, she seemed as upset and confused as I was about the situation. We were acquainted enough to have shared lots of personal information about ourselves. (this was not the first time we'd shared drinks and watched movies) She has never cheated on her SO until this as far as our conversations had gone. Her SO is out of town on business so she hasn't told him yet but as far as I know she plans to when he gets home. As a spouse I wouldn't want to know until I got home that something like this had happened.
 

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You won't like what I am about to tell you.

You are going to have to end the friendship with your friend for 2 reasons. 1) She encouraged you to cheat on your husband 2) with her, and you now have a history with her that will not go away.

For your husband's peace of mind, you need to get her completely out of the picture.
Hell, I was going to go farther...She is a predator. She took advantage with the liquor. Yeah, OP has to own her sh!t, but this FRIEND? She sent the line, hook and sinker.... She needs to go. And a NC contact with your BH present as well!
 

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Get to the OW H first and now, so OW does not have a chance to spin a different story, do it before he gets home.

The OW has done this before.

Don't forget that the OW did this to your children not just to your BH.

Tamat
 

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Thanks for all the welcomes, sorry it took so long to work up the courage to type this out. Please keep in mind as you read there may be things that sound like blame-shifting but it's not intended to be. I take full responsibility for what I've done and know that I am wrong.

Back story: We've been together since we were 16, high school sweet hearts. Never been with anyone else. Married for 11 years 2 kids 7DD 4DS. Moved into new neighborhood in 2016. DH started having pain issues June of 17 it escalated fast and he ended up having SI fusion surgery May of 18. June 1 of 18 he woke at 2 am with a pancreatitis attack and I literally thought I saw him take his last breath. He survived and was a week in the hospital and had his gallbladder removed June 27th. Everything started looking up again. He was no longer in pain we were getting back to our regular lives and we were able to be intimate again without pain.

Enter Bad choices: Through out all of this I've been drinking heavily (not blame shifting just fact)I went to a wine and paint thing with a friend and returned home around 8 or so in a state I should not have driven in. The kiddos were in bed and 5 minutes after walking in the door DH stated he was going to bed as well. I didn't want to go to bed so I texted my friends and asked if they wanted to hang out. Only one responded positively so I went to her house. I told DH I was going. He asked me not to be out too long. We started drinking talking and watching a movie. I got a call from DH around 10 asking where I was, I told him and said I'd come home in a little bit the movie wasn't over. I don't remember that phone call. Long story short we finished an entire handle of vodka, did a lot of kissing and other things but nothing below the belt (not that that matters what I did was still cheating in my book) I got another call around 4 am asking where I was and I told him I was coming home. I called him back 1 minute later to tell him I was coming home because I didn't remember the call. I don't remember walking home. At 10 am I woke up without much memory of what happened. I went downstairs to scrambled eggs coffee and a very understanding a wonderful husband. He made a joke about us scissoring and I broke down.

We have spent the past 3 days hardly eating crying and talking about how to fix this. I am utterly horrified about what I did. My only memories of that night are her giving me a hand massage, me giving her a back massage, Then I remember being in her room saying that this was wrong and I needed to go home. Her saying to just shut up and enjoy myself for a night, and puking in her bathroom.

My DH is being very strong and wants to work through this, he says he loves me and forgives me, he is very much so hurting and I don't know how to help him.
I feel so much guilt and shame, I hate that I have done this to the man that I love who just over a month ago I thought I was going to lose! I hate myself for doing it and I almost feel worse that he is being so understanding. All I want is to move past this and prove to him that I love him and will never do anything like this ever again and I don't know how to do that. I just feel so worthless and horrible. I don't know what to do.
How do you know you didn't do anything more then kissing if you can't remember anything? Did you know this girlfriend was into you? Do you usually get that drunk? How old are you? Do your other friends know? I am assuming you are cutting her off right? You say "All I want is to move past this." That should not be your thinking. Your thinking should be all I want is for him to heal.
 

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To my knowledge she isn't promiscuous, she seemed as upset and confused as I was about the situation. We were acquainted enough to have shared lots of personal information about ourselves. (this was not the first time we'd shared drinks and watched movies) She has never cheated on her SO until this as far as our conversations had gone. Her SO is out of town on business so she hasn't told him yet but as far as I know she plans to when he gets home. As a spouse I wouldn't want to know until I got home that something like this had happened.
I would not trust a word this person says. You need to cut her from your life completely.

Are you your husband's one and only? If so you might want to be mindful of that as this will probably be a point of contention. You will now have more sexual experiences then he has. The that feeling of him being unique for you will be gone now in his mind. That's rough. It may be easier since it was another women, for some men I think it is. Just be aware of that.
 

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GandR,

You wrote, We were acquainted enough to have shared lots of personal information about ourselves. (this was not the first time we'd shared drinks and watched movies)

This is part of the cheaters script, they engage in intimate conversation making the other person feel like they have a certain bond or specialness with you, as a bonus they may say "I never told anyone this but...." etc.

Another big part of the script is to complain about their spouse in the hopes that their seduction target joins in, if they are good they will have the same complaints you have about your spouse. It's even better than that if they can get you to start complaining about your sex life.

All of us are vulnerable to this kind of seduction and intimacy because it feels so good and we want to believe people are decent and do not have bad intent.

Tamat
 

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Discussion Starter #33
I would not trust a word this person says. You need to cut her from your life completely.

Are you your husband's one and only? If so you might want to be mindful of that as this will probably be a point of contention. You will now have more sexual experiences then he has. The that feeling of him being unique for you will be gone now in his mind. That's rough. It may be easier since it was another women, for some men I think it is. Just be aware of that.


I am my husbands one and only. He had ample opportunity to cheat (travels a lot) and never did. He has actually stopped friends/coworkers from cheating in the past. He did have 2 girl friends before me but we started dating at 16 so it was a LONG time ago. I am 34 he is 34 OW is 31.

As for the question of "did I know she was in to me" No. I am seeing signs in the past now that I have a clearer picture that she may have been i guess. We always got teased about turning lesbian when we were drinking with friends including my SO and her SO. Maybe this was a manifestation of that teasing I don't know. I am a very physical touch person but respectful of my friends who are not so when I find someone who is like me I tend to act out on that part of me. This is something I will obviously work on as well. My desire for physical touch should be limited to my husband and my children. Hand shakes for everyone not hugs unless we're actual family from this point forward for me!

Also I guess I don't know for sure that we didn't do more than just kiss and grope but that is what I do remember, my husband and I have talked about if it went further and the doubt and hurt for that is something he's dealing with and I am owning up to.

My main goal is to help my husband heal. When I said move past this that is what I meant. I do not wish to brush this under the rug and forget about it. I want to help my husband know that I love him and I will do whatever it takes to reestablish trust with him.

This morning my husband said he only got that sinking feeling in his stomach once and was able to sleep ok. He has started eating again and we are talking a lot. About the affair and about the little things in life that we always used to. I in no way think that he will ever "get over this" in a way, but I am hopeful that over the next few months or even years we will be able to reconnect in a better way and continue to move forward. I am committed to him and will forever love him even if he decides at some point he can't cope with what I did to him.
 

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Discussion Starter #34
GandR,

You wrote, We were acquainted enough to have shared lots of personal information about ourselves. (this was not the first time we'd shared drinks and watched movies)

This is part of the cheaters script, they engage in intimate conversation making the other person feel like they have a certain bond or specialness with you, as a bonus they may say "I never told anyone this but...." etc.

Another big part of the script is to complain about their spouse in the hopes that their seduction target joins in, if they are good they will have the same complaints you have about your spouse. It's even better than that if they can get you to start complaining about your sex life.

All of us are vulnerable to this kind of seduction and intimacy because it feels so good and we want to believe people are decent and do not have bad intent.

Tamat
I have always been a very trusting and naive person. I don't want to see the bad in people. I will obviously have to change that.
 

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I have seen this happen in the past with an ex gf. A woman that was just kind of a friend (one of her kid's friend's mom), started wanting to hang out and have a few drinks. Then all of a sudden, they wanted to have sex with my gf, who was disgusted and said no and cut her out of her life.

I do think other posters are correct here. OP very likely had a woman that was setting her up for this. Probably disappointed she didn't have a new f-buddy. The comment she made about "just have fun and enjoy it"--- that's pretty telling. Lots of pressure there.

I totally agree that this person should be cut off forever as a "friend"...
 

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1. Cut off this friend for good

2. Make sure you are 100% honest with your husband. Even telling him that you cannot remember everything

3. No more drinking

4. Create a list of precautions to shore up your boundaries

5. Read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from An Affair." I know it was a one night thing, but the stuff in there about empathy and remorse is essential

6. Be absolutely trustworthy
 

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A few things I would like to ask/point out.
1. What are the chances that your drink was spiked by this predator.
2. Some men don’t really consider what you did as cheating,if it had been a guy friend who agreed to hang out you would probably be facing divorce.
3. Stay away from the booze,remember the first time you cheat is the hardest. After that it becomes easier.
 

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Discussion Starter #39
@Evinrude58

Thanks for the example you shared. It's difficult for me to see that someone I thought was a good friend could be like that but I've come to realize I was sheltered too much and too trusting.

@Araucaria

I never viewed women as potential predators. Lesson learned the hard way :( I will be more vigilant in the future of female "friends" refilling my drinks without asking me if I want more. She will not be someone I spend any time with.

@Andy1001

Come to think of it my glass was bigger than hers. Spiked I don't know, bigger yes. I would not have gone to a guys house for drinks alone, that has always been a rule for me. ( I fully understand that I wasn't the picture perfect version of a rule follower that night) Apparently I will have to extend this rule to women as well. I view what I did as cheating and I was the first one to use that word after my husband teased me about scissoring with her when I got out of bed that morning. He made the joke and I went and started crying on the couch and when he came over I said "I'm so sorry I think I cheated on you last night" he agreed.
@personofinterest

Thanks for the book recommendation I will add it to my list for sure. I am following the other advice you mentioned as well.


No more booze, no more of the OW in my life, and a focus on making sure my husband feels and knows he is loved, respected, desired, and that he is the most important person in the world to me.


Thank you everyone for your honesty and your questions. I've been able to do a lot of soul searching and thinking. Keep it coming if you see anything else you want to point out or ask and I'll be checking in to see what you have to say and keep you posted.

I'm so tired emotionally and physically right now but I'll keep pressing on and moving forward at my husbands pace.
 

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"I'm so tired emotionally and physically right now but I'll keep pressing on and moving forward at my husbands pace."


Make sure you do get enough rest and stress relief. Go workout or engage in your hobby if you got one. And always, make sure you communicate to your BH. Let him know why you are tired, let him see all of you, all the time. If gives reassurance that he is involved and you need him.

But if you don't take some time and get ample rest, you may just implode and build resentment. Destroying all your hard work. You are so lucky he is giving you room to show him your love. Keep it up.
 
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