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Discussion Starter #1
Hello, I have created an account here because I need somewhere to talk about a bad situation I have made in my marriage and I just didn't know were else to turn.
 

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Sorry you are here -- fill in the details and I'm sure you will get TONS of help here. TAM has seen most everything, so I'm sure folks can help/have been through what you are going through.
 

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Here, you will get honest, experienced, interested responses--whether you like them or not. No excuses, rug sweeping, etc. The more detail you supply, the better TAM will be able to assist. There will be diverse, sometimes biased OPINIONS/options.
 

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Not only are you, @guilty and regretful ~ in the unique position of seeking help for yourself, you also will be helping others who are in similar positions as you, who read about your plight!

Welcome to the TAM Family!
 

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A few things: Welcome to TAM.

1) Lots of people here have been cheated on (I'm one) and your story may trigger them to anger. Be prepared. We are anonymous. Who cares what we say..... Have a thick skin.

2) Don't tell us your excuses or try to blameshift.

3) Ask lots of questions, get some advice--- people here have experienced pretty much everything that can happen in a marriage, and experience can be useful if you can learn from it.

4) Try to figure out a way to fix what you have done so that you won't WANT for it to happen again. We might be able to help with that.

Good luck, we can be helpful and patient, as well as hit you over the head with a rhetorical 2 x 4 if we think you need it. :)
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Thanks for all the welcomes, sorry it took so long to work up the courage to type this out. Please keep in mind as you read there may be things that sound like blame-shifting but it's not intended to be. I take full responsibility for what I've done and know that I am wrong.

Back story: We've been together since we were 16, high school sweet hearts. Never been with anyone else. Married for 11 years 2 kids 7DD 4DS. Moved into new neighborhood in 2016. DH started having pain issues June of 17 it escalated fast and he ended up having SI fusion surgery May of 18. June 1 of 18 he woke at 2 am with a pancreatitis attack and I literally thought I saw him take his last breath. He survived and was a week in the hospital and had his gallbladder removed June 27th. Everything started looking up again. He was no longer in pain we were getting back to our regular lives and we were able to be intimate again without pain.

Enter Bad choices: Through out all of this I've been drinking heavily (not blame shifting just fact)I went to a wine and paint thing with a friend and returned home around 8 or so in a state I should not have driven in. The kiddos were in bed and 5 minutes after walking in the door DH stated he was going to bed as well. I didn't want to go to bed so I texted my friends and asked if they wanted to hang out. Only one responded positively so I went to her house. I told DH I was going. He asked me not to be out too long. We started drinking talking and watching a movie. I got a call from DH around 10 asking where I was, I told him and said I'd come home in a little bit the movie wasn't over. I don't remember that phone call. Long story short we finished an entire handle of vodka, did a lot of kissing and other things but nothing below the belt (not that that matters what I did was still cheating in my book) I got another call around 4 am asking where I was and I told him I was coming home. I called him back 1 minute later to tell him I was coming home because I didn't remember the call. I don't remember walking home. At 10 am I woke up without much memory of what happened. I went downstairs to scrambled eggs coffee and a very understanding a wonderful husband. He made a joke about us scissoring and I broke down.

We have spent the past 3 days hardly eating crying and talking about how to fix this. I am utterly horrified about what I did. My only memories of that night are her giving me a hand massage, me giving her a back massage, Then I remember being in her room saying that this was wrong and I needed to go home. Her saying to just shut up and enjoy myself for a night, and puking in her bathroom.

My DH is being very strong and wants to work through this, he says he loves me and forgives me, he is very much so hurting and I don't know how to help him.
I feel so much guilt and shame, I hate that I have done this to the man that I love who just over a month ago I thought I was going to lose! I hate myself for doing it and I almost feel worse that he is being so understanding. All I want is to move past this and prove to him that I love him and will never do anything like this ever again and I don't know how to do that. I just feel so worthless and horrible. I don't know what to do.
 

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So you were kissing, groping, and having a sexual type experience with another woman. You're married to a man.

Is this all correct?

So just for clarity, have you been in relationships in the past with other women?
Are you bisexual?
Is this a normal thing for you to have sexual thoughts about another woman?

The reason I think that this is important to ask is that if you are more sexually attracted to women than men, this could be a problem.

If this is truly a one-off thing, it's a weird one.

Problems you need to address:

1) face it, you've become an alcoholic. NO, NO, NO Not me, it's just been since all this health crisis with my husband.
Yes, YOU. You are an alcoholic and need to never touch another drop of liquor of any kind. You can't do it? Well your marriage is doomed.

2) Are you heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual? You need to figure that out. If you like women, that is a problem for your relationship with your husband who is a man.

3) You are a really poor decision maker and have problems coping with stressful situations. You need to get some counseling.

Some advice:

1 get some counseling
2 never take another drink
3 show your husband true remorse and never drink again and never go out late without him. Give him complete access to all communications like cell phones. He now has reason to fear your whole relationship.

The good: You don't sound like you're emotionally attached to this person, so although you totally cheated on your husband, you haven't been having an affair and I think this can be fixed if you are as remorseful as you say and are willing to do the work. Your husband may or may not be able to forgive you and move forward. If he can't and wants to divorce, bow out gracefully and give him a fair settlement. If he forgives you, realize it likely won't happen twice, and that he will have horrid memories of what you did and fear of what you might do-- for the rest of his life. It will be up to you to help him work on it, even when you're weary of his mistrust. It may take years for him to recover.

Good luck. People make mistakes, although this is an odd "mistake". More like a really odd choice. You are not doomed, no matter what. You will get past this. We all have things we regret and want to leave in the past. I hope you get this one behind you and it stays behind you.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
@Evinrude58 Answering your questions
Married to a man

Never been in a relationship with a woman or another man for that matter unless you count 2 weeks with a boy in the 7th grade.

I do not believe I'm bisexual because I've never fantasized about a woman before.

I have never had these types of feelings, thoughts, or desires before and didn't have them that night before going over there. I honestly thought we were going to have a few drinks watch a movie and I was going to come home.


1) face it, you've become an alcoholic. NO, NO, NO Not me, it's just been since all this health crisis with my husband.
Yes, YOU. You are an alcoholic and need to never touch another drop of liquor of any kind. You can't do it? Well your marriage is doomed.

I have accepted this and I have promised myself I'm done with the stuff because it's not worth my marriage. DH respects that choice and promises to help me stay strong.

2) I really do feel I'm heterosexual, or at most bi-curious. I find females attractive but I've never desired to be with one, and still don't.

3)I have an appointment to see a counselor on the books already to help me figure out how I let this happen.


I honestly agree that this was the most bizarre and horrible thing that I have ever done. I appreciate your questions and advice. I am trying really hard not to let the regret and guilt eat me alive. I want to be here for my husband and love and support him through this pain that I've caused. I just feel so confused that I was able to do this to him. I never thought I was capable of being this crappy of a human being.
 

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It sounds like your H wants to stay together, so this is fixable.

Start by reading a couple of books:

1. Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
2. How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda MacDonald

Follow the recommendations in those books and stop drinking.

Make a plan, tell your H how you are going to make sure how this will never happen again and follow through.
 

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Also understand that this is a process that could take years.

You will have bad days and good days.

Have some compassion and empathy for your H because he is going to trigger, his emotions are going to be all over the place and he will need lots of support and love from you.
 

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@Evinrude58 Answering your questions
Married to a man

Never been in a relationship with a woman or another man for that matter unless you count 2 weeks with a boy in the 7th grade.

I do not believe I'm bisexual because I've never fantasized about a woman before.

I have never had these types of feelings, thoughts, or desires before and didn't have them that night before going over there. I honestly thought we were going to have a few drinks watch a movie and I was going to come home.


1) face it, you've become an alcoholic. NO, NO, NO Not me, it's just been since all this health crisis with my husband.
Yes, YOU. You are an alcoholic and need to never touch another drop of liquor of any kind. You can't do it? Well your marriage is doomed.

I have accepted this and I have promised myself I'm done with the stuff because it's not worth my marriage. DH respects that choice and promises to help me stay strong.

2) I really do feel I'm heterosexual, or at most bi-curious. I find females attractive but I've never desired to be with one, and still don't.

3)I have an appointment to see a counselor on the books already to help me figure out how I let this happen.


I honestly agree that this was the most bizarre and horrible thing that I have ever done. I appreciate your questions and advice. I am trying really hard not to let the regret and guilt eat me alive. I want to be here for my husband and love and support him through this pain that I've caused. I just feel so confused that I was able to do this to him. I never thought I was capable of being this crappy of a human being.

My take on this:

You have been on a road to disaster ever since you started the drinking. You kind of reached the crux of the bad decisions with an atomic fireball, and have kind of awakened to where you are and how you got there.

I think you are thinking clearly now. Once you talk this out with your counselor and are able to forgive yourself, you may find it easier to start working on the other things in your life.
Your husband will likely be able to forgive this if you show him that you are truly repentant.

Gotta stop the drinking. Everything else will likely fall back into place.
Good job on helping your husband get through all his health problems. Even basically good people do crazy things once in a while.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I've known for about 6 months I needed to stop the drinking and always rationalized that I wasn't that bad. I just chatted with a friend of mine who asked if I would be willing to go to some AA meetings and that she would go with me. I may see if my Husband would like to go instead and see if that helps us work out some of this as well. Thank you again for your encouraging words and advice. I am going to do everything in my power to renew our relationship and strengthen our marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Also @Tron thanks for the book recommendations and for reminding me that this is not going to be a fast fix. I need to be patient with him and owe him the time he needs to heal and the proof that I am making us the priority.
 

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I think you’ve started on the right path to self healing and recognition of what may have brought on the situation. One of the things that haven’t been mentioned and as a man I would feel very emasculated at the thought of my wife involved with another woman, regardless of how drunk or incapacitated she was.

You have stated that you want to help your husband, which is good, but you need to work on yourself as well. Seemingly you have started that process. Remember though even if at this point he is all in and said he forgives you, the anger and hurt will more than likely manifest over the next while.

AA is a positive and he may want to try alanon for a better understanding of the alcoholic mindset.

Please keep the folks here updated as it may help in saving your marriage which is what you seem to want to do.
In regards to the alcohol side, if you like, you can PM me as I spent a lot of time (10 years) on skid rows and have been a recovered alcoholic for 38 years now.

Hang in there and keep the love going with your husband and children.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
I think you’ve started on the right path to self healing and recognition of what may have brought on the situation. One of the things that haven’t been mentioned and as a man I would feel very emasculated at the thought of my wife involved with another woman, regardless of how drunk or incapacitated she was.
This is something that I didn't really think about. Thank you for pointing it out to me. He had expressed at various points in time dealing with his hip and back pain, that he felt bad that he couldn't do the things we normally would sexually. So this is most likely building on that. I always encouraged him and told him it was ok and we did other very satisfying things but I can see how this would be a very strong blow in his masculinity!
 
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