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Discussion Starter #1
Hey, new here, need some advice.
I'll start from the beginning to give a complete view.

Met my wife at work about 4 years ago. We didn't actually start dating until 2 years after that. We moved really fast and moved in together within a month or 2. We started in a new apartment with a new start.

Through these 2 years i have realized, there is a thin line for her from fun drunk and out of control drunk. It started with maybe 2 or 3 fights in the beginning. Once she gets to that point whatever the trigger may have been to upset her she goes off the handle. At least 3 fights where she went all nuts and attacks me, scratches, slaps, bites, etc... I attempted to stop her by holding her down. At times she even leaves the room, goes to the bathroom and takes a razor and cuts up her arms and wrists.

With these fights in the past I never hit her. We would wake up the next morning and she would see me with black eyes scratched up face, neck, arms and chest. She at times can not even explain why she flipped out or why she even got angry. She would be so apologetic and beg to move past it. There was at least 2-3 fights where she messed me up, and at least 3-4 times that she cut herself up. I would try different things in these fights to try to stop her or calm her down.

These fights always involve her drunk past a certain point, and once we are alone and arguing about anything, small or big, i get attacked at one point or another. At some point in the fight i will open had slap her. This stops the fight, but now i am in the wrong. After maybe the first time, we would talk in the next day or so and try to retrace the steps. In the end i always tell her... you need to stop hitting me, you get out of control and i'm going to slap you if you hit me. Don't hit me and i wont hit you.

This last fight turned out similar. It was her Birthday and she felt, "not special", felt i didn't care or give enough effort.
Christmas and our Anniversary is back to back. Her birthday is immediately after and right before Vday. So that is 4 occasions back to back in 45 days. I spent every penny between Xmas and our anniversary. 3 hand bags, 2 pair of shoes, a designer watch, some hosiery and a fancy restaurant. Oh and we saw a bdway show. So i am pretty broke going into her bday. It managed to work out since i automatically separate money for the mortgage and because February is short i get a check that doesn't have to be applied until March and i will have another check before the payment is due. So for her bday, i but her lingerie, 3 sets of sexy things, Flowers, and some gourmet cookies delivered to work. We also made reservations for dinner, and scheduled a night out in the club where I bought 6 bottles of liquor, ($800 in drinking for a group of friends). The dinner she paid for. Either way i managed to do everything i can and spent every cent i had again to try my best. She is very materialistic, but i accept it and try hard to accommodate it.

Once the night was done, we get in the car alone and head home. She immediately starts complaining on how I don't even care enough to let the waiter know it was her bday, that my brother had to be the one to tell him. I had to let her know, "when you were not looking i told my brother to tell the waiter", so i would not have to leave her side and give it away that we were planning to sing for her. She kept on complaining and arguing the entire way home and i let her vent. I did not argue back.
So we get home and I feel like ****, I tried my best and she still was not happy and made my effort feel insufficient. I leave her be and go to sleep in a different room in the house.
I decide i want sex, and sex is always good with us and always can kill any argument between us. So i go and try to wake her up with some sex. In the process i hurt her without meaning to, so she tells me stop doing what i was doing, which was playing with a toy with her. So i stopped and then just climbed on myself, she allowed it. After maybe 45 seconds she says no i don't want to, get off. So I got upset and tossed a pillow at her face as i was getting off and i left to the other room where i originally was.
I wanted sex so i was going to just master bate and watch some porn on the laptop. She storms in after me, slams my laptop shut and takes it out of the room. I get up and i punch the closet door and start yelling at her, to leave me alone. She continues to yell and scream and is in my face, i tell her don't hit me cause you know i will hit you back... She then attacks me and slaps me, and continues to swing and scratch. I slapped her with an open had in her face and she grabs a hold of my neck digging her nails into my throat, i grab her and throw her off of me to the ground. This ends the fight and she gets up and leaves the room finally.
She has a bad black eye from when i slapped her.
We don't speak for the next 2 days and she packs a suitcase and leaves to her mothers. 6 days past before she comes back home, in this time she is out drinking and hanging out while i am just home alone waiting for her to come back.
Now we work together and she has this black eye and is walking around like this in a corporate setting. Of course people are going to notice and ask questions.
She starts telling people, i raped her and punched her in the face...
When she tells me this herself, i am like WHAT?
I raped you ? and punched you in the face? Are you NUTS ?
She suggests marriage counseling and i agree to it. Although I know i was wrong in hitting her and know not to go that route anymore i agree to counseling anyway. (i don't think i need it).
So in counseling she lets this out again... and i then ask with a medium there... When did you say no or stop and i did not stop? So how is that Rape? No answer from her...
Addressing punching, I have never Punched a woman, i have never even back slapped a woman. I have only ever slapped you with an open had...
Either way i was wrong for hitting her BACK... but in my mind this has been a long time of getting my ass kicked and her cutting herself up before i decided i thought she needs a slap when she gets out of control.
We have sat to talk about this a few times since this has happened including the 1 session of counseling. We dont agree on the event but have been trying to move past it...
What continues to anger me, is when we do talk about it...
I ask how can you tell people this, knowing you plan on staying here with me... We work with these people and they see us both daily... Now not only does everyone look at me in a bad manner, they look at you in the same way. I have told no one about how crazy she is and gets when she is drunk...
Her response to me is "why should i lie"....
I don't agree with this at all... if i lose my job over this, how are we paying mortgage? and all of our bills... and who knows how bad people can make things on looking for a new job...
things can get really bad... just by telling people these things..
She doesn't see this and still sticking with "why should i lie"
I have not let go of this "why should i lie" attitude... I went into this marriage believing this was someone i could trust and would partner with through all. I thought i could trust her in making the best decisions for us both and with an answer like that is whether i do bad or good i cant trust you to keep something like that personal...
ex: if i was a bank robber, i know my wife would be the one to turn me in...
So i have been holding that in....

My wife is 2 years younger than me, but i think i have learned a lot more life lessons than her.
As she was younger she butchered her credit... ignored it and pretended it wasn't important. In purchasing our home, we had to plan appropriately since her credit was bad. I added her to my major cards to help build her credit. I even opened up a card and consolidated most if not all of her credit into this one card to show all of her current cards as paid. This works and within 3 months her credit shoots up around 50-75 points. It is not really good, but tied in with mine (over 775) we can purchase the home.

When something is important to me, i stress them over and over and over to her... as in the fighting, when i told her... do not hit me and i will not hit you...
With the credit... I opened up a card to purchase furniture... we purchased an expensive set, about $5000, and in order to get 15% off I took out a store card to purchase it. We had the cash to pay it off immediately. She was in charge of holding this money and paying off this card... it is 4 months later... again i stress this issue because it is important... i asked her maybe 5 times, once a month, asking is this taken care of... yes don't worry about it....
I get a call from this card and they tell me, sir this card has a balance of over $4000 and is past due... WHAT ?????
Her excuse... Oh i didn't want to tell you cause i know you would have been man, i used the money cause they took 2 months to put the charges on the card.. but i'm paying it....


In all i am just feeling this is turning out to be not what i thought...
i feel that she is just on a much younger level than i am. I wasn't ready for this and didn't think this was the case going into marriage...

I know the credit and the fighting is 2 different issues, but as i said, i am just feeling like there is just a sense of immaturity here that ties into everything in this relationship.

Anyway, I am letting everything out here... am honest... and need some opinions...
 

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Hi ZX ~

Wow...not sure what to say to all of this, except to please stay in counseling.

I would even suggest that you and your wife each go to individual counselors. It sounds like your wife has some problems - she drinks excessively, she can be violent, she's a cutter - and I don't know how a person handles all of that without some kind of outside professional help and guidance. And, both of you need some help to learn how to manage your anger.

Best wishes.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thank you for replying... I know a lot of people have very different feelings on a lot of issues i touched on here.

I didn't mean to put this in ladies lounge, can it be moved to General?

I most definitely want Ladies opinions on this as well.
 

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ZX,

IMHO, you cannot see the forest for the trees. Your wife is a violent person. She is a liar as well. She seems to have no problem selling you out and spreading lies.

So why are you with her? She is ruining your life.

I have a nephew was married to a woman like your wife. The last time she attacked him he defended himself but she ended up with bruises.

Everyone who knows them knows what she is like.. even her mother. She's viocious. She used to be violent with her ex-husband as well.

During the entire court case she did just like your wife. She acted like a victim. He was convicted of assault. He has spent time in prison for 'assaulting' her.

You do need counseling. There is something very wrong with you. An emotionally healthy man would not stay with this women. But you need individual counseling to fix yourself. Your marriage is doomed.

Be afraid of this woman. You life is about to be ruined by her.
 

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ZX, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with everything EleGirl says above. As she warns, you should be very afraid of living with this woman because you are at great risk of ending up in jail. The behaviors you describe -- cutting, temper tantrums, verbal and physical abuse, lack of impulse control, and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has.

Of course, only a professional can determine whether her BPD traits are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having the full-blown disorder. Yet, even when they fall well below that level, such traits can make your life miserable and undermine a marriage.

Moreover, it is not difficult to spot these traits when there are strong occurrences. There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, vindictiveness, and emotional instability. I therefore suggest you read about the nine BPD traits so you are able to spot the red flags. And I second EleGirl's suggestion that you see a clinical psychologist to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with.
At times she even leaves the room, goes to the bathroom and takes a razor and cuts up her arms and wrists.... at least 3-4 times that she cut herself up.
Cutting and other self harm are STRONGLY associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study concludes:
"Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma." See http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15237790. The study itself appears in J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004 Jun;42(6):32-40.
This last fight turned out similar. It was her Birthday and she felt, "not special", felt i didn't care or give enough effort.
If your W is a "BPDer" (i.e., has strong BPD traits), her perception of your intentions and motivations is distorted much of the time by her intense feelings. Like a young child, she accepts those intense feelings as "truth" and has not learned how to intellectually challenge them. The result is that, most of the time, she likely believes the outrageous accusations coming out of her mouth.

As I explain at the link below, this is due to a BPDer's heavy reliance on "projection" to protect her weak ego from seeing too much of reality. Projection is a wonderful ego defense because it works entirely at the subconscious level, allowing her conscious mind to believe that the false projection is true. The beauty of that, of course, is that it leaves the BPDer guilt-free because she is able to ignore reality without creating so many conscious lies.
She starts telling people, i raped her and punched her in the face...
When she tells me this herself, i am like WHAT? I.... Are you NUTS ?
No, she is not "nuts" or "crazy." Those states require a person to lose touch with PHYSICAL reality, e.g., believing that the TV news anchor is speaking to her personally. BPDers see physical reality just fine. Their perception of other peoples' intentions, however, is often distorted by their intense feelings. This is why BPD is said to be a "thought distortion."
She suggests marriage counseling and i agree to it.
If your W has strong BPD traits, MC likely will be a total waste of time because her issues go far beyond a lack of communication skills. As EleGirl says, she needs IC. Sadly, if your W is a BPDer, it is very unlikely she will remain in therapy long enough -- several years at least -- to make a difference. And, even if she does stay in therapy a long time -- as my exW did for 15 years at great expense to me -- she likely will not work hard enough to make a difference. My exW, for example, just played mind games with the therapists at my expense.
I ask how can you tell people this, knowing you plan on staying here with me... We work with these people and they see us both daily...
If she is a BPDer, the most important thing to her is obtaining validation of her false self image of being "the victim," always "the victim." During your courtship period, you provided that validation by being "the savior," a role you were able to play only until her infatuation with you evaporated. The implication of your being her "savior," of course, was that she must be "the victim" in need of being saved.

Yet, when the honeymoon and infatuation ended, there was only one role left for you play -- being "the perpetrator" who is to be blamed for every misfortune befalling her. And, when there are not enough misfortunes occurring, she will create some by throwing temper tantrums and getting you all worked up.

The result is that your W is now telling folks at the office and her family that she is a poor little victim who has been abused by you. Even if she doesn't say anything to an office colleague, the message -- being written all over her blackened eye -- is clear for all to see.

Why does she need to be the victim so badly? If she is a BPDer, she has such a fragile, weak ego that she has little sense of who she really is. This is the main reason that a BPDer keeps a death grip on the false self image of being a perpetual victim. The other main reason is that a BPDer is filled with such self loathing and shame that she will not tolerate the pain of feeling shame when recognizing she has made a mistake. She therefore avoids triggering the painful shame and self hatred by blaming everything on you.

As to her willingness to risk your job and livelihood by spreading such damaging news at work, I note that a BPDer does not much care about such consequences -- as you can see in the way she has total disregard for her credit rating. In her mind, she turns her actions and decisions over to her "inner child" and cuts off the logical adult part of her mind. This process, called "splitting," is why you are left trying to reason with a young child every time she gets upset about anything.
She doesn't see this and still sticking with "why should i lie?"
As I said above, she likely believes this absurdity to be true because it arises from her heavy reliance on projection. And she will believe it the day she calls the police and has you arrested for "brutalizing" her -- as my exW did to me. Because I was arrested on a Saturday morning, I was in jail for nearly 3 days before I could be arraigned before a judge and released. Hence, if you are determined to stay with your W, my advice is to avoid any arguments on Saturday or Sunday.
I went into this marriage believing this was someone i could trust....
If she is a BPDer, she is incapable of trusting you because she lost that ability when she was 3 or 4. Significantly, when a woman can never trust you for an extended period, you can never really trust HER -- because she can turn on you unexpectedly at any time. This is a big problem because trust is the foundation on which all marriages (and other LTRs) must be built.
My wife is 2 years younger than me.... i feel that she is just on a much younger level than i am.
Yes, but she likely is much younger than you ever imagined. If she is a BPDer, her emotional development froze at the age of 3 or 4 -- when she was trying to develop a sense of who she is. The result is that she is stuck with only the emotional defenses that are available to a young child. These include denial (lying), projection, magical thinking, and throwing temper tantrums.

Also included is black-white thinking, which would be most apparent in the way she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- i.e., as "with her" or "against her." Moreover, she would recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other, in a few seconds, based solely on a minor infraction or idle comment. The middle ground between those polar extremes does not exist for BPDers because -- like young children -- they are very uncomfortable with ambiguities and strong mixed feelings. Another sign of B-W thinking is the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "I always..." and "you never...."
We moved really fast and moved in together within a month or 2.
It is common for a BPDer to declare her undying love and start talking about marriage (or cohabiting) when you are only 6 to 8 weeks into the relationship.
At some point in the fight i will open hand slap her. ...Either way i was wrong for hitting her BACK...
Of course, your hitting must stop NOW. Even if it does, however, you likely will end up in jail. In my case, for example, I was arrested for pushing my exW away from a bedroom door that she was trying to destroy during one of her rages. It is very common for the male partners of BPDers to be arrested and thrown into jail.
As she was younger she butchered her credit... ignored it and pretended it wasn't important.
It wasn't important to her. If she is a BPDer, she has little sense of being responsible for the consequences of her own actions. Hence, if you stay married to her, it is very important that you allow her to suffer the logical consequences of her own actions. This means that you should stop walking on eggshells around her. Yet, as EleGirl says, you are far better off to simply divorce her if she doesn't immeditely join an intensive therapy program and stay with it -- and demonstrate that she is actually improving.
I am letting everything out here... am honest... and need some opinions...
ZX, because I've never met your W, I don't know whether she has most BPD traits at a strong level. I am confident, however, that you can easily spot the red flags by simply learning what you should be looking for.

An easy place to start reading is my description of these traits in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. If that discussion rings a bell and the traits sound familiar, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources. Take care,ZX.
 

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I went into this knowing or feeling that i am a strong person. I went in willing to work on things and dedicated.
We have only been married for 1 yr and only dated 1 yr before that, so together 2 yrs together.
I sold my motorcycle to get her engagement ring, married her, bought a house... we did a lot...
I think we have made progress in most places... She hasnt cut herself in over a year.
She definitely lied about the incident, i did slap her hard, but i did not punch her and never would.
And to say your husband raped you is insane. i do not agree at all that i raped her, when she did say stop, i stopped!

I still think we have made progress...
lately with this last fight, i just feel betrayed...
not to dismiss what happened, which i do admit was wrong for hitting her back and hurting her, (although it did get her to stop), i just think selling your husband out just shows your not giving the same i am...
I never went out and told anyone she cuts herself, or drinks too much and doesn't know whats going on....
She has even admitted herself.. she drinks too much... and starts fights.. and always apologizes cause she knows she gets crazy...
knowing you are like this, and i have helped you through cutting and insecurities, helping you by keeping these things to myself...
Why would you ?
 

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uptown, are you an actual therapist?
Did anything i mentioned, make me sound like a BPDer ?
i tried to give the entire story as neutral as possible and even admit to being wrong and that i should not hit her...
Some times i can think that i see things in black and white...
I do believe that i am very open and very honest, and i'm obviously willing to listen to opinions.
 

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uptown, are you an actual therapist?
No. I am just a guy who spent 15 years taking my exW to six different psychologists and 2 MCs. I also have been looking after my bipolar foster son for 30 years and I've taken him to a host of psychologists also. As I said, I cannot diagnose your W. Neither can you. This does not imply, however, that you cannot spot the BPD traits. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about them.

Before you graduated high school, ZX, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur.
Did anything i mentioned, make me sound like a BPDer?
No. You nonetheless have all of the BPD traits. We all do. Every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the nine BPD traits, albeit at a low level if they are emotionally healthy. These traits become a problem only when they are so strong as to distort one's perception of other peoples' intentions -- thereby undermining LTRs. BPDers therefore differ from us "Nons" only in degree, not in kind.

At issue with your W, then, is not whether she exhibits BPD traits but, rather, whether she exhibits most of them at a strong level. I cannot answer that for you. I am only trying to point you to the information you need to be able to make that determination on your own. Like I said, if you can spot strong occurrences of shyness and selfishness, you are fully capable of spotting the BPD traits also. They are basic human behaviors that we all experience and know well.
Some times i can think that i see things in black and white...
Of course you do. Everybody does. We all do black-white thinking whenever we experience intense feels such as strong anger or infatuation. Indeed, anger has distorted your perception of other people so many hundreds of times that -- by the time you graduated high school -- you already knew that you cannot trust your judgment when you are very angry. That's why -- like the rest of us Nons -- you wait until you have time to cool down before taking action and making decisions.

You also do B-W thinking every time you get suddenly startled. For example, when you are walking in a cross-walk and suddenly look up to see a truck bearing down on you, your mind instantly shifts to black-white thinking. In that instant, you are capable of thinking only "jump left" or "jump right." Like the other BPD behaviors, black-white thinking arises from a basic human defense mechanism. At a low level, such behaviors are essential to our survival. At high levels, however, they destroy our ability to sustain close LTRs.
i tried to give the entire story as neutral as possible and even admit to being wrong and that i should not hit her...
It is commonplace for the partners of BPDers to sometimes lose control, being pushed over the edge by the BPDer's temper tantrum and her hateful, vengeful behavior. As I said, I got arrested after my exW had been chasing me from room to room. I retreated to a bedroom, where I closed the door every time she tried to enter.

When she started to destroy the door, I stepped forward and shoved her back, whereupon she tripped and fell backward. Although she was not hurt, she nonetheless had bruises where my palms pressed against her chest (which is what happens when a woman is on blood thinner medication). That is all it takes to get arrested.

I suspect that your main problem is not your temper but, rather, your being an extreme caregiver like me. If your W has most BPD traits at a strong level, you most likely are an extreme caregiver or you would not have been living with her for the past two years. An important issue, then, is whether your W actually does have strong BPD traits. I therefore am very interested in hearing whether or not you think she does after reading my discussion of those traits in Maybe's thread about his unstable wife.
 

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uptown, are you an actual therapist?
Did anything i mentioned, make me sound like a BPDer ?
i tried to give the entire story as neutral as possible and even admit to being wrong and that i should not hit her...
Some times i can think that i see things in black and white...
I do believe that i am very open and very honest, and i'm obviously willing to listen to opinions.
I think that uptown was saying that your wife sounds like she could have BPD.


She does sound like she needs serious help.
 

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i know, i was asking if i show signs of it...
one hearing her story could say because i hit her and think black and white that i have it too...
 

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^ One of the best ways to think on these things is that you will never ever change your wife. That your wife will forever remain the same as she is right now.

And then project that thought into the future and ask yourself the question “Do I want to spend the rest of my life living this way with this woman?”.


You are obviously a codependent, do all the reading, buy books on codependency so you can better understand yourself. The really good thing about being a codependent is that once you’ve recognised it and made changes to yourself you can look forward to really healthy relationships.

Another thought to have is “Love does not always conquer all”. Most especially when it comes to trying to change another person. Even psychiatrists walk away from people who do not want to change themselves because they know there is nothing they can do to help.
 

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uptown, are you an actual therapist?
Did anything i mentioned, make me sound like a BPDer ?
i tried to give the entire story as neutral as possible and even admit to being wrong and that i should not hit her...
Some times i can think that i see things in black and white...
I do believe that i am very open and very honest, and i'm obviously willing to listen to opinions.
There's a key element to this you are missing.

We all want to make our partners happy. Many times, when we see ourselves as caretakers - and as the ones responsible for the relationship - the urge to give our partner what they want overwhelms our better sense.

We want them happy, so we grit our teeth and say "yes".

Sadly, this is completely counterproductive. You may avoid the current conflict, but you let them cross a boundary that has you feeling violated. When you sense that they do not appreciate your generosity, giving, sacrifice, etc., seeds of resentment take root in your psyche.

When that resentment blooms, look out. You are likely to become just as abusive as them.

That's what you did.

Forgive yourself yes, but understand WHY it happened. And, take steps to make sure you don't make sacrifices that may temporarily please them, but leave you feeling bad about yourself.



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I was raised by a father who has Borderline Personality, and at age 44, I am still dealing with my terribly verbally abusive childhood. My father also acts like a baby and tries to push into our lives, tantrums, talks behind our backs, verbally abuses my mother, I could go on. Classic Borderline Personality statement, I quote my father: I HAVE THREE CHILDREN WHO WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?

I write this because I pray you do not have children with this woman. BPD's make horrible spouses, you should see what their games can do to a little child. You cannot imagine.

Stay strong, you will get through this. After all is said and done you will not believe how happy you will be once this black cloud stops choking the life out of you.
 

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ZX, first of all you should NEVER hit or slap a woman. I can understand defending yourself from blows but never raise a hand, even if to stop an argument.

If your wife attacks you again and injures you, call the police to document it!

Your wife (at a minimum) has an alchohol issue and should never drink. She needs substance abuse counseling and the both of you need IC and marriage counseling
 

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I understand that to an extent...
If you see in the earlier fights.. i did not... i tried whatever to avoid it and still got my ass kicked...
Before this last fight... maybe 4 weeks ealier there was another explosion... Drinking again... she was drunk out of her mind...
i locked her out of the masterbedroom to avoid her getting physical...
She went to the kitchen, came back and starting stabbing the door with the knife over and over !!!
Now had the door been open then what ?
I should learn capuera so i can roll out of the way of the knife ? and somehow manage to get to the door and just keep running around the house ?
I am not going to leave my house cause she is attacking me...
And despite what people are recommending... I dont have it in me to call the cops on her...
I have most definitely learned... i can not hit her again...
but at some point certain lines are crossed... and holding and pushing and yelling doesn't help....
 

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I dont want to sit here and try to justify it...
i feel at times thats what i do...
Like i said... i know i shouldnt hit her....

I've learned that ....
 

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ZX10, do you have a video cam of some sort? Perhaps your phone? You could video part or all of one of her attcks for your defense if needed down the road, You should also have a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you at all times to record the conversations (especially when she comes home drunk)

These two steps can keep you from going to jail or being removed from your house!
 

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i understand that to an extent...
If you see in the earlier fights.. I did not... I tried whatever to avoid it and still got my ass kicked...
Before this last fight... Maybe 4 weeks ealier there was another explosion... Drinking again... She was drunk out of her mind...
I locked her out of the masterbedroom to avoid her getting physical...
She went to the kitchen, came back and starting stabbing the door with the knife over and over !!!
Now had the door been open then what ?
I should learn capuera so i can roll out of the way of the knife ? And somehow manage to get to the door and just keep running around the house ?
I am not going to leave my house cause she is attacking me...
And despite what people are recommending... I dont have it in me to call the cops on her...
I have most definitely learned... I can not hit her again...
But at some point certain lines are crossed... And holding and pushing and yelling doesn't help....
Stop Blameshifting Now

If you don't have the guts to call the police on her, you should move out.



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I hate to say this, but I do not see this situation having a happy outcome. Your wife definitely has a lot of deep issues that need to be examined and dealt with by experts. Based on the information you provided, it does not seem as though she is ready to be married. And were she to go through counseling and come out of this a better person, she will likely be a much different person (hopefully) and that person may not be the spouse you married. I give you kudos for giving counseling a shot but this sort of relationship is volatile enough where you will need to make a call soon as to whether or not it is worth staying.
 

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I'd put money down that she's bi-polar/bpd.

My gf is bi-polar/borderline personality disorder, and a cutter. She has a therapist and is on lithium and a slew of other things. Your story describes her almost EXACTLY according to her family. She's been mostly stable around me, but seemingly innocuous comments can set her off from time to time.

Bi-polars are very prone to drug/alcohol abuse. I suggest you go read up on them. You might want to run for the hills afterward.

Dig around and you'll almost certainly find some sort of childhood trauma.
 
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