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Discussion Starter #21 (Edited)
It might be time to gain the advantage and blindside him with divorce. I doubt he'll change his ways and what his friends said about watching him is hilarious considering they are likely enablers who egg him on.
I don't want a divorce... :( If I was going to divorce him it should have been done a year ago not now... He's my husband and my kids father/step father. He has only cheated once, on me, is it impossible for him to change... His friends didn't support our relationship when we started dating. They thought HE could do better... :( that was a long time ago, and they have changed. But it's in the back of my head. One of his friends is probably the only reason I know about it. I don't know... :(
 

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Discussion Starter #22 (Edited)
A married person hitting bars up late at night while intoxicated, surrounding by intoxicated single or otherwise unattached people is a recipe for disaster. That's why most married men lose contact with their single buddies when they get married. Too much room for error. That and they know their wife would rip their balls off if they entertained such thoughts of going out to bars without her c-blocking.

Your obviously not OK with it and rightfully so...just depends on where you draw your line and whether it's a firm line and not a moveable one. Like if it happens again, does he know you will leave or does he know you will stay?
He doesn't go to bars often at all, only the odd time with his friends. Some of his friends are single and go regularly. I still don't like it though... He doesn't wear a ring and I hate that, especially when he's out... He could have done better than me... He wanted someone who felt safe after his ex cheated on him a handful of times. He's not unattracted to me, but I don't know when the last time I heard a compliment from him was.

I don't know what I would do if he cheated again... :( he knows how to push boundaries...
 

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Discussion Starter #23 (Edited)
I think this is completely understandable. It's a little over a year and you may always feel this way. You have decided to choose a path that is probably going to be like that. I am married, I haven't done a guys weekend let alone one with single guys in 10 years. I have gone out to dinner with my guy friends and I do that once a month. Generally when you get married you forgo doing things that you would like when you were single.

Is a guys weekend inherently bad? No. I'm sure I could do one and never even think about cheating. But that is me, your husband has already cheated. What were the circumstances? How old is your husband? Do you have kids? Also I would not make it a regular thing because I don't think it's a good idea for me to be around a bunch of single people, I am marriage and past that part of my life. I am older and have no desire to do that, I specifically did that kind of thing because I was looking for a mate.

Anyway I am not sure what to tell you, trust is earned. He hasn't earned it but lost it. It's possible eventually the pain of being with him will become so bad it will not be worth the joy, at that point you won't want to stay with him. People like your husband just plain suck to be married to. They just do. One day you may feel the same way.

I tell you one thing I wouldn't want my wife worried sick about anything. My primary role is to take care of her, in this case I don't think you are being unreasonable, so I would have to try to avoid stuff that made you worry so much. Especially if I had already ****ed up and broke her heart.

Just saying there are different kinds of men out there, you don't have to settle.
None of his married friends have stopped being friends with the single ones, or totally stopped going out with them. They slowed down, same as my hubby, but haven't stopped... I didn't know most married men don't...

He had a one night stand with a random person (his buddy had a girlfriend at the time, she brought a friend, who brought a friend - who my husband slept with... :( ). He met her earlier in the day, they talked and flirted, went to a bar and drank, flirted... You get the idea. He slept with her and stayed out all night because he fell asleep after. So he spent the night with her...

My husband is 30 (I'm 27). We have 5 children. 3 are shared (5, 3, 1.5) and he is a step-father to two (10, 12).

I want him to care more... :( He knows that I worry and he doesn't like that but he doesn't really try to stop it anymore. He knows I'm not going anywhere... If there are other types of men out there I will never have experience with it. I'm not an idiot, this marriage and him is as good as I can get (for at least the next 20 years).
 

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He shouldn't have been carousing 13 months ago in the first place. However since he cheated, his carousing and "single guy life" should be permanently gone.

Have you told him how you feel?

If he cheats again, so much as flirts, kisses a woman, or grabs a woman at a bar, he needs to know that you will be divorcing him immediately. And you will need to stick to your guns.

He doesn't respect you or your marriage wanting to put himself in the same situation where he cheated the first time, and causing you to have to relive the adultery.

For the rest of his life he should be doing whatever he can to protect the marriage, and protect you from his selfish and irresponsible actions.

:iagree::iagree::iagree: QFT!!!!!
 

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I let him know that I was worried, but still told him to go... I need to learn that I can trust him... :( I shouldn't have to learn to trust my husband... I can't blame him for going when I told him it was okay to go. I am not home now, and he's going tomorrow. I left with his parents for a weekend vacation with our kids. I just want to see him and talk to him. This is so much harder because I'm away.

His friends have been good to me. The one who pushed my husband to tell me was a man who cheated on his wife a few years prior. He and his wife worked it out (he had a ONS, which is basically what my husband did). He has probably been the most supportive person in my corner, but he's a cheater himself... So how trustworthy is that really. His other friends are trustworthy, I think. They have all been on my side throughout this, not my husbands.

We have gone to counselling in the past.
I believe you are operating out of fear. You have had a child to care for since you were 15 and now at 27 you have 5. Do you have a career? Could you support yourself and your 5 children if you divorce. You also speak of his friends thinking he could have chosen a better partner, as if you have little value.

You need to find your own value. You think you came to your relationship with "baggage." Not blessing, but baggage. But you are also a valuable person in your own right. You need to discover that value, and not rate yourself on what other (selfish, shallow and materialistic) people value.

Speak with a lawyer to find out your rights if you were to divorce. I'm not saying divorce him, just find out your rights, and financial situation, so you will get rid of some of your fear of losing him.

After my husband's affair and even though we reconciled, I still felt very insecure and dependent, because I had 4 children I was homeschooling and even though I had 2 advanced degrees I hadn't worked for an income for 22 years.

I can say that some of that fear of divorce immediately went away after I spoke with a lawyer and learned how the courts would treat me and our children. I would have to go to work 40 hours, but he would have to pay me alimony for 1/2 the years we've been married as well as child support since the children would spend most of the time with me because of the nature of his job. Life would be hard, but not impossible.

Eventually I realized I would actually be much happier with a smaller home that I could actually take care of, than living in a huge home on a huge property that the children and I have to maintain since he was gone all the time working. Even now in reconciliation, we are working toward downsizing so I will be happier. His ego and his big house are not as important to him now as is keeping me as a wife. But I had to be willing to lose him to gain my own happiness.

Losing the fear gave me confidence to draw some firm boundaries. Some of them didn't have anything to do with women, going out or adultery. Just things that he knew bothered the heck out of me, that mattered, and that I was no longer willing to tolerate. If he kept doing those things, I was going to eventually divorce him and save myself much frustration for the rest of my life. I began to detach, and told him that I was emotionally preparing myself for the inevitable, since he obviously wasn't going to change those things. Well guess what? When he realized I was no longer "in the bag" and that he will lose me if he kept doing those things, he stopped. He didn't want to lose me.

Some people will only change when they have to choose between you and changing. If they think you aren't going anywhere, they could care less if their behaviors and choices make you unhappy.

So your husband's parents know about the affair. That's good. Does he care about their opinions about him any more than he cares about yours? Apparently not.

Personally, I think that cheater friend is not "supportive." He was just covering his azz so he can not have serious issues with you. What kind of person does a horrible thing like cheating, gets the chance to recover from it, and then encourages someone else to do the same thing?? An entitled person, that's who. He figured you'd get over it just like his own wife did.

That friend of his should have become an "ex" friend as soon as you found out that he was part of the affair. In fact every friend who was involved with the affair, knew about it, helped set it up, etc. needs to be on the "enemies of the marriage" list and distanced from. That is the consequence of having an affair. It hurts the WS and also any people who don't help the WS guard his marriage.

That is the general advice given here. Your husband should not only not be going out to bars again, but definitely not with the same people who instigated the last affair.

Everything is wrong with this situation. That is why you are so upset about it. It was not dealt with properly way back after the first affair happened.

I'm sorry I come across as harsh, however I also suffered from the upheaval caused by adultery and I read a lot of advice here, and my marriage is much more affair proof. My husband avoids everything he knows of that would entice him to cheat. We wouldn't have learned that had I not read here.

There are lots of books that could also help you.

Love Busters, by Willard Harley

Surviving an Affair

His Needs Her Needs, by Willard Harley

After the Affair

I hope he doesn't cheat this weekend.
 

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"I was an idiot for choosing my husband... He had cheated in every relationship that he had been in, except the one previous to ours."


"I'm not an idiot, this marriage and him is as good as I can get (for at least the next 20 years). Etc."


What sad statements. You know you married a cheater and yet you feel 'less than'? I'm thinking you would benefit from counseling and working on your self-confidence/self-image. Your responsibilities are great, but so is your example to your children. Let us know......
 

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None of his married friends have stopped being friends with the single ones, or totally stopped going out with them. They slowed down, same as my hubby, but haven't stopped... I didn't know most married men don't...

He had a one night stand with a random person (his buddy had a girlfriend at the time, she brought a friend, who brought a friend - who my husband slept with... :( ). He met her earlier in the day, they talked and flirted, went to a bar and drank, flirted... You get the idea. He slept with her and stayed out all night because he fell asleep after. So he spent the night with her...

My husband is 30 (I'm 27). We have 5 children. 3 are shared (5, 3, 1.5) and he is a step-father to two (10, 12).

I want him to care more... :( He knows that I worry and he doesn't like that but he doesn't really try to stop it anymore. He knows I'm not going anywhere... If there are other types of men out there I will never have experience with it. I'm not an idiot, this marriage and him is as good as I can get (for at least the next 20 years).
Why are you not out with them if some random women are. I hope you are not home babysitting?!!
 

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Discussion Starter #28
I make decisions that are best for my family. They might be fear based sometimes, but they are for my family. He is the only father my kids have. My 10 year olds father FaceTime's her a couple times a month and sees her 1-3 times a year. He lives in another country. My husband is who she, and my 12 year old see as their dad.

I am not working, my husband is the sole provider. Daycare for our kids would cost more than I'd bring in. That does add to the fear and what if's. I finished high school 2 years late, and have my bachelors. I have slowly been chipping away at a grad degree, but very slowly and no where near done. I wouldn't be able to afford daycare, let alone living expenses. I know my husband would have to pay child support, to some degree, but I don't want to live like that... Being divorced but still supported by my husband. We have a prenup agreement that my father-in-law encouraged my husband to set up. He's a divorce attorney.

I love my husband, I am not with him just because I couldn't afford to be without him.

He didn't go out to the bars after the bbq. He said he went home, and texted me at midnight saying he was home and going to bed. Then didn't text anymore. I still have a hard time trusting that he didn't go... How long does it take to trust him again? I don't want to live like this. He has been acting sweeter yesterday and today. And that should make me happy, but I question motives.
 

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Barbecues are okay, bars are not. Sounds like his friends and he don't care about boundaries. As others have posted, time for him to grow up.
 

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Hello mn374 Sorry for what ur going thru. So am I the only one with warning lights going off? He cheated in EVERY relationship except the one that she cheated on him? He goes to bars with men only, no wives and some of them are single? I always thought a guys day was golfing or playing cards and drinking at someone's house. He is missing a trip to HIS parents? He doesn't wear his ring? Then we get to the part where u think he settled for u and he has a prenup. My only advice is to get thru school asap and no more kids. I know this isnt what u want to hear. I usually tell friends if you take a cheater back they just learned that they may have to go thru hell but they can get away with it. BTW dont be surprised if 1 of his friends tries to seduce u. Good luck
 
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