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Discussion Starter #1
Hello,

I have been a long time lurker and I have questions for those sexless marriages:

1. Looking back, do you think you ignored warning signs?

2. Was your parter at one point excited about sex?

I ask these questions because I am NOT married but my (ex) boyfriend was very indifferent about sex (in my opinion) for the first 3 years of our relationship. After the 3rd year he seemed to want it more, and we may get back together, but I'm just so nervous about potentially marrying someone who will no longer want sex after marriage. Some other things that scare me are:

1. He can't orgasm through oral
2. Has trouble orgasming in most positions except for doggy style. ( so we always finish that way)
2. He can't masturbate in front of me with just his imagination. He has to watch porn.

No he's not gay/ no he's not a porn addict. He's very honest and has even refrained for weeks after I've asked. Is he just not that into sex? I know he loves me and has no trouble with erections, I'm just nervous after being the initiator for so long and reading so many horror stories. HELP!!
 

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1) Yes there were signs. I ignored them. Thought things would change.
2) He was more interested in the beginning, slightly.

Mine had all the same issues as yours except he couldn't orgasm through sex for our first 9 months together. I found out he was masturbating through porn. Told hIm to stop for a week until we had sex again. Well guess what, he came with no problem.

Sounds like yours is masturbating too much as well

Now I'm lucky if I get it twice a year. If I had been smart I would have heeded the warning signs. It's horrible knowing he'd rather beat off to porn. Makes for a very low self esteem
My advice is to work this out before getting married. Please!
 

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Unfortunately it sounds like he trained his sexual functioning to not include another person. That is possibly why he can only finish doggy.

If he has some self-awareness, of course this type of issue can be overcome. It would require the desire to do so and a lot of effort. Some people will not put in the effort that it would require.

Sexual functioning is a delicate system and it can be "messed up" and then not function properly. But it can be reset, too. Is he self-aware about these issues?
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Unfortunately it sounds like he trained his sexual functioning to not include another person. That is possibly why he can only finish doggy.

If he has some self-awareness, of course this type of issue can be overcome. It would require the desire to do so and a lot of effort. Some people will not put in the effort that it would require.

Sexual functioning is a delicate system and it can be "messed up" and then not function properly. But it can be reset, too. Is he self-aware about these issues?
Well I think he is aware, but I don't think he cares. Ironically, he enjoys pleasing me so he doesn't care how he gets off, as long as he does eventually. The problem with that is, I enjoy pleasing him, and have trouble orgasming during sex. So when he doesn't come from oral, or hand jobs, or from mastubating just by watching me strip/ tease/ etc, I feel like I'm not fully doing my job, so it causes problems in the relationship.

He is fine with the way things are, I just feel like my sexuality is going to waste sometimes. Aside from this he is a wonderful man, who is always willing to adapt for me.
 

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He is in great shape, and has no problems with erections. He can orgasming quickly from doggy style, but can't really orgasm at all with any other position.
That's a different one, for sure. Maybe he's into anal. Do you guys indulge? Just a guess, but he might be an ass man.
 

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My first thought is that you guy, who can't orgasm if he can see your face, has some serious emotional baggage about sex. Who knows why, who knows how, but a man who professes love, but can't orgasm if he is looking at you is a man with a very thick brick wall between emotions and sex. And honey dear...that will only get worse!

Alison253 said:
Well I think he is aware, but I don't think he cares. Ironically, he enjoys pleasing me so he doesn't care how he gets off, as long as he does eventually. The problem with that is, I enjoy pleasing him, and have trouble orgasming during sex. So when he doesn't come from oral, or hand jobs, or from mastubating just by watching me strip/ tease/ etc, I feel like I'm not fully doing my job, so it causes problems in the relationship.
Your impression is that he doesn't really care that is inability to orgasm while looking at you is a problem. THATS a problem!

You enjoy pleasing him but have difficulty orgasming. In time, this difficulty will become worse because the emotional intimacy is NOT present and he doesn't see that as a proble. THATs a problem!

You feel like you're not doing your job, your not pleasing him enough, not enticing enough...this translates to feeling deeply rejected and over time this builds and builds. Again, he doesn't see his sexual problems as a problem, so you can pin any hope of it ever getting better. THATS a problem!

Take a pass on this man. You can't ever solve his problems with emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. Only he can and he can only do that if he sees it as problematic TO HIM and is willing to do the work to correct it.

Find a man who will cherish your sexuality and desire to please. There are LOTS of men out there.

Take a pass on this man.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
My first thought is that you guy, who can't orgasm if he can see your face, has some serious emotional baggage about sex. Who knows why, who knows how, but a man who professes love, but can't orgasm if he is looking at you is a man with a very thick brick wall between emotions and sex. And honey dear...that will only get worse!



Your impression is that he doesn't really care that is inability to orgasm while looking at you is a problem. THATS a problem!

You enjoy pleasing him but have difficulty orgasming. In time, this difficulty will become worse because the emotional intimacy is NOT present and he doesn't see that as a proble. THATs a problem!

You feel like you're not doing your job, your not pleasing him enough, not enticing enough...this translates to feeling deeply rejected and over time this builds and builds. Again, he doesn't see his sexual problems as a problem, so you can pin any hope of it ever getting better. THATS a problem!

Take a pass on this man. You can't ever solve his problems with emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. Only he can and he can only do that if he sees it as problematic TO HIM and is willing to do the work to correct it.

Find a man who will cherish your sexuality and desire to please. There are LOTS of men out there.

Take a pass on this man.
Well he does desire to please me, but the only thing that pleases me is pleasing him, which I can't do.
 

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So when he doesn't come from oral, or hand jobs, or from mastubating just by watching me strip/ tease/ etc, I feel like I'm not fully doing my job, so it causes problems in the relationship.

He is fine with the way things are, I just feel like my sexuality is going to waste sometimes. Aside from this he is a wonderful man, who is always willing to adapt for me.
Allison, I had the same feelings. I cant tell you how frustrating it was our first year together because of his inability to "get there". I thought it was me, and would be so upset afterwards. He would try to tell me that it wasn't me, but I didn't believe him. Now, looking back, I do know it was him.
It does sound like the issue is with him. Don't let it mess with your womanhood, its a tricky situation. Perhaps sexual counselling of some sort would help??
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Allison, I had the same feelings. I cant tell you how frustrating it was our first year together because of his inability to "get there". I thought it was me, and would be so upset afterwards. He would try to tell me that it wasn't me, but I didn't believe him. Now, looking back, I do know it was him.
It does sound like the issue is with him. Don't let it mess with your womanhood, its a tricky situation. Perhaps sexual counselling of some sort would help??
Yes, maybe. So what happened with you? Did you divorce?
 

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Well he does desire to please me, but the only thing that pleases me is pleasing him, which I can't do.
And now you have completed your circle. You wish to please him, and you can't. He wishes to please you but since you can't please him, you can't be pleased.
 
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Is it at all possible that you're reading too much into it?
What I'm saying is this -
If he's masturbating frequently he may have created a situation where he requires extreme pressure and/or a very precise movement to make him cum.
Maybe doggy does it for him because it hits all the right spots or maybe it's the visual of watching himself slide in and out of you that get's him off - dunno.
I struggle to orgasm from HJ's. Always have, regardless of who's administering them. Yes, I can get there, but I need to imagine something else is going on. I can;t explain it.
Maybe he's into anal as previously suggested.
Maybe you aren't doing it right.
Why not just ask him to be absolutely forthcoming because your relationship depends on it.
My wife and I have been having problems lately and all we really needed to do was talk about it as it turns out.
The biggest part of our chat was how honesty builds trust, which builds respect. These things are absolutely vital if you want to be with someone for the rest of your life.
If he can't tell you exazctly what's going on, you might want to start making other plans.
 

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No, but I think about leaving all the time. I can't- I was a SAHM since year #2 of our marriage, so I don't work, can't find work that would support my and 2 children, so I stay for that reason and for the kids. Other than the no sex thing, he is a good man and a great provider. But generally it's like living with a roommate. I decided to stay in the marriage and just be sexually frustrated for the time being, rather than hurt the kids and live in extreme poverty. It's not really working out good though because I stay depressed and feel hopeless. I need that connection with him but he just is happy with how things are. it's what he is used to.
I plan to see a therapist soon hopefully. I feel like I'm actually starting to lose it some days. I wish we could talk to each other deeply but with a 5 yr old and a teenager we never talk about much and haven't been on a date in years.

Yeah I'm drowning:(
 

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Just another random thought here Allison,
have you asked him how he feels? Is it possible that he's depressed?
I'd suggest that you start your (inevitable) chat that way - "Are you okay?"
Even if he tells you there's nothing wrong, it will at least send the signal that you care and that his behaviour is unsettling for you. It makes for a good springboard rather than starting with "You make me feel like **** because of x,y and z"....... That will never end well.
You'll never know the answer to your questions until you ask HIM.
 

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You have every right to be concerned. I agree with Aaron Pink... Sexless marriages or those that are one sided. (Just laying there) are for the pits.
Does he kiss you? Having sex is what he is doing. I love sex and making love... Couples need to be able to make love and have sex.

You are being given warning signs.
 

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1. I probably did ignore some warning signs. The big one being that her vibrator started playing a pretty big part in our relations.

2. For the first two years (out of 6 total), she had a sexual appetite. For the last four, not so.

About the OP, those are very valid concerns. If that is how it is now, it will only become more engrained when they are married and have been for many years. If she thinks it is because he does not care, it is only going to become exacerbated and more difficult to remedy in the future.

About his only being able to achieve an orgasm via doggy style, that may just be physiology. I do not last all that long when I do it that way either.
 
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