So, it's as if one time wasn't enough to scratch her itch that she had a full blown one to boot and you suspecting a third. Pf course she wants to blame you for everything..
The two cheats I referred to that my wife committed both occurred while I was stationed (active duty military) overseas and deployed 2010-2011.
One a one night stand that she confessed to and one a full blown affair that I discovered.
While we did work through this, her position has always been that I was in some way responsible;
Over the years we have had a remarkable ability to work through problems.
Our pastor has explained that often Christian spouses have difficulty when trying for years and then the other spouse suddenly comes to the faith as desired.
This is odd but, seems to happen more than you woulod expect.
You have never worked it out only rugswept it.
And for the pastor, how enlightening of him he's not got his act together. Call it what it is infidilty to the extreme, not because her husband came to the faith. Where is his responsibility, to have her own this. Man your fighting a up hill battle all the way. Don't believe the pastor he doesn't know what he is talking about. Because he's a pastor don't mean he has the right answers. He's not God nor can he absolve her, she needs to make amends and show contrition for her laying on her back for who ever she chooses.
I feel for you my man, but eating crap doesn't prove you to be a man, standing with integrity and owning your flaws like you have done here.
But in no way are you responsible for her.