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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need help…

My wife just recently told me that she wasn’t happy and she didn’t love me anymore. I don’t know what to do because this was a huge hit from the blind side. I am completely hurt and all I can think about is what can I do to fix this and repair our marriage. I love my wife more than words can describe and would do anything for her.

When she told me this I asked why and she brought up past reasons like I didn’t stand up for her against my father on certain issues and that I haven’t been telling her how beautiful she is and such affections like that. The thing is… is that I agree on her with those. I guess what happened to me is I got used to being married to her that I forgot to do the obvious stuff like that. As for standing up for her against my father I guess I was worried I would hurt my dad and didn’t realize I hurt my wife instead.

I realize the mistakes I have made and I am 110% all in on fixing my mess ups but I don’t know if she is wanting to. I am so stuck and hurt because all I think about is what if she decides to go… we have two children together so if she goes I can’t imagine life without my girls, my wife and my family.

I have just started talking to an older happily married friend of ours about the situation and he told me to have hope because she hasn’t come out and made any decisions yet. And I just learned that she has been talking to someone who I think has polluted her head with negative thoughts. This person she has been talking to for a while now isn’t happy with her husband, her husband threatened divorce, she is talking to other men behind her husband’s back, her husband is a drunk, and the fact she stole from us… so basically they are bad people and my wife was talking to her for advice.

I am thinking about getting counseling set up but I am waiting to see if my wife wants to participate. I have been reading some peoples post on here in similar situations and I hear a lot about just back off, give them space, don't tell them you love them, etc. so that’s what I have been doing. To me it seems like if those reasons she gave me are true behind her reasoning then that’s not worth calling it quits for… its worth fighting for and fixing to come back stronger. I have always pictured us growing old together just like "The Notebook."

-I am 27, my wife is 25, and we have been married for 6 years.

-When I ask her what she wants to do she doesn’t know.

Please any advice given will be heard!
 

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You are right the toxic friend is bad for your marriage.

I think she may be having at least an EA. Investigate. She doesn't fit the profile of a walk-away-wife at only age 25 with young children.
 

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I agree that toxic friends aren't helpful here.

I do have a question though. How long has your wife been feeling this way? Her issues with you are valid, and even more valid if she's told you over time that she needed more from you and you've ignored her... until now when she's threatening leaving you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I think that she needs to talk to someone that has their head on their shoulder, someone that she can trust and someone that will give her great advice. EA... I asked her if there was anyone else involved and she said no. Not an angry no, it was a sincere no and I believe her. As for investigating that how does one investigate an emotional A.

Am I right to feel that this isnt worth it and that the reasons she said can be fixed? I told her that this was a huge eye opener for me and that I will do what I need to to make it right. But she said that I wont change and if I did it would be for a short period of time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
A Bit Much - She said its been a few months now that she has been feeling like this but never said anything to me at the start. I think if she wouldve told me asap that we wouldnt be in this situation now. Not blaming her for this though. It is my fault that I just thought she knew I thought she was beautiful.
 

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I think that she needs to talk to someone that has their head on their shoulder, someone that she can trust and someone that will give her great advice. EA... I asked her if there was anyone else involved and she said no. Not an angry no, it was a sincere no and I believe her. As for investigating that how does one investigate an emotional A.

Am I right to feel that this isnt worth it and that the reasons she said can be fixed? I told her that this was a huge eye opener for me and that I will do what I need to to make it right. But she said that I wont change and if I did it would be for a short period of time.
How about a counselor? Would she go?

Cheaters rarely admit until they are ready to move in with their AP. She may be in an EA & not think of it as cheating. Read the Coping With Infidelity forum here for info & ways to investigate.
 

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A Bit Much - She said its been a few months now that she has been feeling like this but never said anything to me at the start. I think if she wouldve told me asap that we wouldnt be in this situation now. Not blaming her for this though. It is my fault that I just thought she knew I thought she was beautiful.
Since she didn't tell you for months, ask her if she would give you that time now to work on the marriage?
 

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A Bit Much - She said its been a few months now that she has been feeling like this but never said anything to me at the start. I think if she wouldve told me asap that we wouldnt be in this situation now. Not blaming her for this though. It is my fault that I just thought she knew I thought she was beautiful.
Well when it comes to compliments, yes you should give them, but you also aren't a mind reader. Lots of women just assume their guy KNOWS they should give them freely, but not all women need that kind of attention. I'm one of them. I like compliments, but it's not something I need to have daily to function and feel confident about myself. Point is, how would you know what she needs if she doesn't communicate it?

It's troubling that it's been only a few months she's felt this way, and already she's talking about not loving you anymore. Really? That sounds pretty dramatic. Either that or she wasn't really in love with you to begin with.

I think these things can be fixed as well, but in order for that to happen 1) she needs to communicate what she needs from you better, and 2) you need to stop taking your relationship for granted. She is to come before anyone else in your life.

Ask her if she's willing to try again, and go to marriage counseling with you to work through this.
 

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A Bit Much - She said its been a few months now that she has been feeling like this but never said anything to me at the start. I think if she wouldve told me asap that we wouldnt be in this situation now. Not blaming her for this though. It is my fault that I just thought she knew I thought she was beautiful.
Good wives & mothers don't fall out of love with their husbands because they don't tell them how beautiful they are as often as they want.

If you are not abusive, an addict and/or an unemployed (by choice) loser, stop blaming yourself for her unhappiness. It only makes you look weak & unattractive.

Maybe she's depressed.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
How about a counselor? Would she go?

Cheaters rarely admit until they are ready to move in with their AP. She may be in an EA & not think of it as cheating. Read the Coping With Infidelity forum here for info & ways to investigate.
I was hoping she would talk to one of our good friends first so she can get a positive look on the situation and get rid of some of the negativeness that was given to her by the toxic friend. Then I would see how she is about going to counseling. I am willing to do anything to save this marriage. I love this woman with all my heart. I know that the decision has to be hers...

I will check that forum out and see if I can pick anything up from it. Thanks.
 

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I wouldn't wait for her to talk to good friends. She may decide she doesn't want to do that, and then what would you do?

Besides, this is your marriage. Friends can be great support systems, but I think in your case it could make things worse and put your friends in a very bad spot if she isn't receptive to advice from them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Well when it comes to compliments, yes you should give them, but you also aren't a mind reader. Lots of women just assume their guy KNOWS they should give them freely, but not all women need that kind of attention. I'm one of them. I like compliments, but it's not something I need to have daily to function and feel confident about myself. Point is, how would you know what she needs if she doesn't communicate it?

It's troubling that it's been only a few months she's felt this way, and already she's talking about not loving you anymore. Really? That sounds pretty dramatic. Either that or she wasn't really in love with you to begin with.

I think these things can be fixed as well, but in order for that to happen 1) she needs to communicate what she needs from you better, and 2) you need to stop taking your relationship for granted. She is to come before anyone else in your life.

Ask her if she's willing to try again, and go to marriage counseling with you to work through this.
A Bit Much - I realize that now. I read that this happens often, that when people get married after an amount of time passes things get routine and thats when stuff like this happens. The one thing about us that we have struggled with is communication. So I can see where that is a factor too.

I dont think that she never loved me at all... I think her personality is an influence as well because she tends to hold on to things and bottle them up until it explodes. Thats all I can do is see if she is willing to try again and get help together to make this work.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Good wives & mothers don't fall out of love with their husbands because they don't tell them how beautiful they are as often as they want.

If you are not abusive, an addict and/or an unemployed (by choice) loser, stop blaming yourself for her unhappiness. It only makes you look weak & unattractive.

Maybe she's depressed.
Emerald - I am none of those... I cherish my wife and my children. I have a stable job (military), I am good at my job, dont do drugs and I sure am not abusive. I dont blame myself for her unhappinessit just that I blame myself for not taking her hints about fixing my self earlier. Depression could be it too... I wouldnt know and if she is she has a doctor she can call to ask about.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I wouldn't wait for her to talk to good friends. She may decide she doesn't want to do that, and then what would you do?

Besides, this is your marriage. Friends can be great support systems, but I think in your case it could make things worse and put your friends in a very bad spot if she isn't receptive to advice from them.
A Bit Much - Yeah I can see how that couldnt work out. So you suggest just asking her if she is willing to work on it and go to counseling?
 

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A Bit Much - Yeah I can see how that couldnt work out. So you suggest just asking her if she is willing to work on it and go to counseling?
I think asking for time as anchorwatch suggested and also suggesting counseling would be your best bet. It's very fair. If she's halfway reasonable, she'll agree to both.
 

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My wife just recently told me that she wasn’t happy and she didn’t love me anymore.

I am so stuck and hurt because all I think about is what if she decides to go… we have two children together so if she goes I can’t imagine life without my girls, my wife and my family.

This person she has been talking to for a while now isn’t happy with her husband, her husband threatened divorce, she is talking to other men behind her husband’s back, her husband is a drunk

I am thinking about getting counseling set up but I am waiting to see if my wife wants to participate.

Please any advice given will be heard!
If your wife doesn't love you, she doesn't love you. You have to let her own her feelings or lack thereof and you have to let her do what she feels she has to do.

Worst case, she doesn't owe you anything. She can walk tomorrow. You get the kids half the time and you get half of your marital estate. This is actually not a bad deal in order to replace her with someone who does love you and I would highly advise you to understand and accept it emotionally and intellectually.

Remember when you were back in high school and just started having attraction and dating? Put yourself back into that mindset. If you want to ask your wife for a date, go ahead. If she says no, say OK and go back to playing ball with your buddies and studying or whatever else you used to do. Ask her again in a day or two if you want but remember you need to do the pursuing but you can't make her want or not want anything.

Go ahead and get a counselor. You may have to try a couple before you find one you like. Invite you wife in, but just like dating her, let her do what she wants.

And quit seeking to validate yourself through your relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Ten Year Hubby - Yeah I understand that I have to let her do her own thing. I am just hoping she comes to her senses, thinks things through and makes the right choice. In my eyes she has to want to work on it and want to make things better. As far as validating myself I'm not following.
 

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Emerald - I am none of those... I cherish my wife and my children. I have a stable job (military), I am good at my job, dont do drugs and I sure am not abusive. I dont blame myself for her unhappinessit just that I blame myself for not taking her hints about fixing my self earlier. Depression could be it too... I wouldnt know and if she is she has a doctor she can call to ask about.
Hints? Nope, not good enough. All of a sudden she decides she doesn't love her good, decent, loyal husband? If you want to save your marriage, you need to act now. Once you have fully investigated that she is not cheating, make an appointment for a marriage counselor & tell her when it is. MC is a waste of time if she is cheating.

If she refuses to go, go alone (I did).
 

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Ten Year Hubby - Yeah I understand that I have to let her do her own thing. I am just hoping she comes to her senses, thinks things through and makes the right choice. In my eyes she has to want to work on it and want to make things better. As far as validating myself I'm not following.
In all honesty, what you do is far more important than what she wants. Whether or not she feels that she loves you today, if she feels continues to say she doesn't love you then she has to go. Regarding validation, I perceive that you derive far too much of your sense of personal worth by what you see of yourself reflected back from her. Find your inner worth somewhere else. Whether she stays or goes, you will still be you.
 
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