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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm new here obviously. But I felt I needed to come here and talk some issues out with you guys about the issues I am having with my wife.

We have been married for almost 6 years. We have 2 great kids and no financial issues. House, cars, good job. Things seem great, right? Ehh, not so much. Honestly, coming to this board was not my first choice. My first choice was talking these issues out with my wife but we really don't seem to get anywhere.

I should mention now that my wife has what she calls a "learning disability". It is pretty much that. She isn't retarded, far from it IMO. But she really doesn't think too much like an adult which is one of the major issues. Of course I knew about this when I met her. It was her heart and spirit that won me over and I still love her very much. But after 6 years, this is starting to wear down on me. Many times it seems like I have 3 children. Sometimes I really want to have adult conversations with her, but I can't. She doesn't get it or doesn't even pay attention. I have friends and co-workers that I can have those conversations with to fill the gap I guess. But when it comes to taking care of things at home, I feel like I always have to get involved. I would love it if she would just take care of certain things without having to ask me. But she can't. I am just not sure how to handle this anymore.

She also has some traits that I either didn't notice before or she just developed over time. She is a habitual procrastinator. It is agrivating to no end for me that she leaves things undone that she is capable of doing right then and there. From taking 4 years to redo the garden to leaving a basket of laundry in the hallway for hours that only needed a 10 second trip to the garage, she waits. I like to get things done now so I don't have to worry about it later. So these things she keeps telling me "I was getting to it", I do. I tried talking to her but of course, nothing changes.

Finally, the fingernails on the chalkboard issue for me he use of the word "fault." As in "It's not my fault" or "It was <insert name>'s fault." I don't think a day goes by where I don't here this. She is hell bent on deflecting every issue away from herself onto someone else. She does this where there is no one to blame. She does it where she is the only one that could have been responsible. I don't like to blame. But I do respect owning up to your mistakes. Just own up to it and we can move on to a solution. Nope, I can never get past that. In some cases, I don't care if she owns up, I just want to move on. She is still hell bent on blaming someone. I get particularly irate when she blames the kids for things I very well know they didn't do. I have had situations where she wouldn't admit she did anything wrong when I was holding the proof right in front of her face. It was like she had no idea what I was talking about. I am really reaching my limit on this issue alone. Hell, if I could just somehow get this issue alone resolved, I think things would be okay.

So help me out guys, what do you think?
 

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On the procrastination I think that you'll always have to deal with. It is a quirk she has. Does she not do say the dishes for weeks? Does she work or is she a stay at home mom?

With a learning disability she might actually be telling you the truth and without having help through her life she may not be able to overcome it. Does she know what she has ie. Asperburger's etc?

draconis
 

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Is your wife's mother a Compulsive cleaner by chance? My wife has similar issues...She can do the luandry, fold it, put it int eh basket...then it sit's there...for days...months...if I do not put it away. When I do the laundry, I wash, fold, put away.

My wife is also a procrastonator, where I like to be early.

My wife can eat something in our room and the Dish and glass of whatevvver will sit next to our bed...for days....until I bring it down.

But you see all of her sisters are this way, it stems from their mother, who is a compulsive cleaner who never made her daughters do anything.

I will give you an Idea, I can walk into my mother-in-laws house, I can throw my car keys on the floor, and leave them there, her mother will pick them up and put them in "her spot" with out saying a word, I can walk in and put them on the table, they will whind up in "her spot" you get the idea.

But whenever we visit her mom, it is like my wife is a kid, her mother does EVERYTHING for her.

So my wife never learned to be self sufficient, I had to break her down and get on her case several times. I have three children....Feels like I have four.


I figured my wife isw a lost cause and the only way I can improve it, is by getting my three children to be self sufficient.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Draconis - On the procrastination, I can deal with it. I don't expect her to change what was likely something she always did. Maybe I just didn't notice it before. She is a stay at home mom. 2 kids keep her busy and I am not trying to say they don't. But she also tends to make excuses for not doing something saying she didn't have time. Meanwhile, I am looking at her screwing around on the internet. I don't know that she has ever been official diagnosed with a particular condition. If she has, I never knew of it. She can do just about anything any other adult can do but her intellect is that of a teenager I would say.

GAsoccerman - Her mother was hardly a compulsive cleaner. The woman is disgusting actually. She neglected her children and left other relatives to raise them. Her aunt (who is a wonderful person) is actually the one that raised her. Her aunt is not compulsive that I can see and certaintly did not do everything for her. She actually forced her to move out and get her own place when she barely made enough to survive on her own. That is about when I met her.

I guess I just need to deal with the procrastination. I know I can because honestly I have already just let a lot of it go in the past because I was wasting my breath otherwise. But that blame game issue I mentioned before has to change. Like I said, I don't look to blame people for things. I just wish I could get an "I'm sorry" for the little things and I will quickly forget about them. She knows I am quite forgiving. I am starting to wonder if she is like that because her mother blamed for for everything as a child. My wife doesn't like this woman and does not speak with her. Anytime she does speak of her, it is never good. Maybe I need to take that approach with her to get through to her.
 

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I feel for you. My first husband died of brain cancer when I was 28. It was hard dealing with child like behavoirs that developed as the cancer spread but my heart felt for him because I loved him. I agree to find some sort of therapy. Does she have a mental disablilty that has support groups for family members or does she see any physician for this. Procrastination is hard to deal with but let her do her things at her pace. Those things you just have to deal with and not let it bother you. The dust doesn't matter when all is said and done. (Please disregard all dust bunnies in our home :D and my husband is the clean freak but he lets it all go for our 4 beautiful kids. Please be gentle as Draconis says I have a family member that is a little slow but she would move mountains for you if she could.
 

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how old are your kids? Did your wife suffer any form of depression after child birth?

I also like to do things in my own pace and I hate when pointed out like a child. My DH always says he has 3 kids including me (we have 2 kids actually) and i dont always like it, I like to be treated like an adult. It gets worst when he pulls a long face and doesnt talk to me if i leave certain things undone for longer than he would. The more he shows his unhappiness about it the worst i become.

You said you still love her, I think u should try and help her overcome this, how about praising and compliments? try acknowledging her good works and ignoring the bad ones, if she's behaving like a kid may be this will motivate her to build up on her good work?
 

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Kudos to you for being a strong husband and father - it sounds like you found a wonderful person who has given you a lot and you try to keep those positive aspects in mind, although it's not easy.

In every relationship there are things that come up that are hard to deal with. An extremely trivial example - I knew my husband bit his nails when we got married. Now more than a decade later he still does it and it's turned into the 'nails on the blackboard for me'. He hasn't changed a bit, but I sure as hell have (regarding the nails). There are a few other things that were there at the beginning, but I just didn't really realize that they could turn into issues, but now, partially, they have. Thankfully our respect for each other is strong enough to help us deal with things that I never thought possible before.

Okay, this isn't about me ;) What about some clear lines with your wife. Work together on some goals for both of you, and if those goals are reached at the end of the day/week, then you can come up with some positive reward for both of you (going to dinner, taking the kids to a movie).
"if the laundry's done and put away, and if I have taken care of the dishes, then we can turn on the tv".
"if I've managed to do xyz at work, and you've done xyz at home, then on the weekend we will go/do/see whatever".

It's clear that you can't hear "fault" anymore, but is there anything from you that she doesn't want to hear anymore? Can you make a deal there? It's got to be two-sided whatever you come up with.

As far as not being able to discuss certain topics with her, well, I doubt that will change. There are things that I talk to my colleagues about, or to my girlfriends, or to my parents - and these are things that I could talk to my husband about, but he would only listen with one ear and just nod and smile to be polite. Vice versa too. But I think it's important to recognize and acknowledge that - we can't expect any one single person to meet every single one of our needs.
Work on making what you have the best you can have. I think you are and you want to continue, and that's very positive :)
 
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