[mburton]

Okay, everyone--here's the backstory. DH and I have been married for 17 years, together for 21. I am 42, he is 44, we have two sons ages 11 and 13. On November 8 he told me he was depressed, talked about it to our counselor (who we were seeing for issues with our ADHD 13 YO--we have her "on deck" for whatever issues come up with 2 ADHD kids). On November 10 he went to see the counselor at 9am and she drove him directly to the ER because he described his plan to kill himself to her. NEWS TO ME. He was in an inpatient facility until November 17, came home, then moved out on November 29. He went to stay with a friend while he deals with all the stuff swirling around in his brain. He says its temporary. I had NOT IDEA he was in so much pain, which doesn't speak very highly of me as a tuned-in wife, I know, but he never said a word to me. Now his therapist, who I think is very good, tells him he has severe depression and dissociation disorder from severe child abuse. DH has told me some of the abuse and it was indeed horrific--burned, choked, beaten, not fed-really awful, spirit-shattering stuff. Now he is on meds and seeing an individual therapist twice a week.
So--he won't answer any emails from me as to how he is doing, won't answer texts, talks to the kids if they call him but makes minimal effort to contact them. He has seen them twice since he left.
How do I do this alone while he is gone? How long might it take for the meds and therapy to kick in? He is on three meds, seem like the right things, but I'm not there to see. Why would he run from us? Can someone explain why it's better to be alone trying to get through this difficult time than with the family who loves you? He has told the boys that he is not coming to Christmas mass and they are just devastated. He told me his therapist told him his feelings come first. I find that hard to believe--I think he is hearing what he wants to hear.
Here's the thing--I want him back in any condition he is in. I want to fix our marriage and have our family whole again. I have told him that many times in many ways. I am so lonely and missing him I can barely function at work and with my sons.
Help please--

 

[Hope Springs Eternal]

I'm so sorry you are here. Depression and related disorders can tear apart families, as well as the person who's suffering from the disorder. This is apparently what's happening in your world.

I'm answering this post because I, too, am depressed, in a very deep depression triggered by my wife's infidelity. I am diagnosed bipolar, and can go either way, but this time, it is depression.

I can only advise you that he HAS to work out his own stuff before he can be any good in your marriage. I understand how hurtful it is for you and the kids, and it's a major drag that it has to happen at this time of year (although that might be part of what's triggering this), but the best thing you can do is support him by encouraging him to stay in counseling and on his meds.

He will want to see his kids soon enough - if he's a loving dad, that will come to the fore at some point. As far as him wanting to be away, I cannot answer that one. I cling to my wife when things are bad, and she is very supportive of me. Make sure he knows how you feel about him, and how you are willing to support him in any way possible.

To directly answer one of your questions, any meds he has been taking since November 17th should be starting to take effect. Some can take weeks, so he may just be starting to benefit from these.

"I want him back in any condition he is in" - you are a wonderful wife.

 

[K.C.]

.. good stuff..

This is spot on I think. The fact he is getting help while he has you there is great I think. Depression can put you into a very strange place though, he may not realise he does have your support or else he may feel like he is too much of a burden on the family unit and afraid of ruining their Christmas by being there.

My speaking from experience may be colouring that, I don't know if the counsellor can advise you while remaining ethical?