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New here, dealing with insecurity... need advice.

2449 Views 4 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  mrsmorehouse
My husband and I are semi-newlyweds, only married less than a year. Before we got married, we lived together for about a year. I honestly did believe that this man was my Mr Perfect. He's smart, funny, good looking, sensitive, caring and he takes care of me and my kids (from a previous marriage). He was everything I could've ever wished and hoped for in a husband. But... I can't get past my own insecurities, and it's honestly because of him that I'm so insecure. He has a LARGE collection of pornography. At first, he hid it from me, and I would catch him. We got into a huge fight about it, and he said that he felt awkward looking at it in front of me. I told him I would be open to it if it's not hidden from me. He would hide it in folders on his computer or in his email.

Our last big argument was when he came home from a business trip in Orlando FL, and he was out drinking. He was taking videos of women dancing provocatively, making lewd comments about the women, etc. He then emailed the videos to himself and deleted them off of his phone. He hid it from me. This was only 2 months after we got married. I was so upset and betrayed, and since then, I'm afraid to let my guard down and trust him. I know he's only looking and not touching, but it scares the heck out of me that this is only the beginning. I don't know anything about his previous relationships other than his story. He said he and his ex-wife split amicably, but they fought constantly. His last girlfriend before me was a psycho, I actually met her and she was a bit of a lunatic.

But me, I am neither of those things. I'm caring and loving, without being too smothering. I have my moments every month just like every other woman, but for the most part, we do NOT fight, our only arguments have been over him looking at pictures of naked women behind my back. But, like I said, since I had the issue of him hiding things before, I find myself 'checking up' on him from time to time. I glance at his email maybe once a month, just to make sure nothing is going on. I also look at his computer, check his history. That's where my problem is. He is STILL hiding things behind my back. He has a subscription for Playboy, which I've never had a problem with, but when he's got 7-8 folders on his computer filled with hundreds of pictures and videos of naked women, pornography, and he's looking at them on a regular basis, it makes me feel like I'll NEVER be good enough.

I've talked to him about this before, he knows I have my insecurities. I'm not a supermodel, I actually had back surgery a few months ago, and with the recovery and being restricted, I've actually gained weight. I'm working very hard to get the weight off, I walk 3 miles every day and I'm on a strict diet, and I want, more than anything, to look like these perfect women in these pictures that he likes, but I'll never be that. I can lose the weight, but I'm still just me. He basically told me that he loves me, he's attracted to me, but he likes to look at other women, he always has, and he will continue to look at them. I told him if it's just playboy I don't mind, or if he wants to watch porn, maybe we can bring it the bedroom together, but it's like he's doing this behind my back.

I know guys are guys, and whatever, but I have never in my life been with a guy who looks at naked women as much as much husband. My ex-husband and I were together for 10 years, and not one time did he pick up a playboy or look at pornography. My ex-boyfriend of 3 years was open to it with me, but he really didn't care for it. I've always felt like I was good enough in the relationship that they were satisfied with me, even though I am curvy. But my current husband makes me feel so inadequate.

I'm already on anti-depressants to deal with the depression I've experienced from the years of back pain, so that isn't my problem. I can't get over the fact that this is so much a part of his life, that I feel like I was misled during our relationship because he hid this from me. I feel betrayed, and I'm terrified that one day, these pictures aren't going to be enough for him, that it'll turn into strip bars, or escalate even further. I don't know what to do. This is my only problem with him, though, everything else is perfect, and I'm trying so hard to focus on that through my own cloud of insecurity, but every time I think about him looking at other women, I just want to curl up and die.

FYI - He says that it's not an addiction, that he doesn't get turned on or masturbate to the pictures, he just enjoys looking at them. He's never come on to me after looking at these women, he says he doesn't think about these other women when he's with me, that he loves me and is attracted to me. But why? Why is this such a big part of his life?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

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Oh, and one more thing, our sex life is GREAT. We usually have sex 3-4 times a week (or more). And, we are both open to trying new things to spice it up. Different positions, bondage, etc. We are both sexually satisfied in the relationship, nothing is lacking. We've been together for almost 3 years, and it's always been a very strong sexual relationship. There's never been any issues on either part. Just wanted to point that out. He always gets everything he could possibly need from me, and vice versa.
If you don't like it and you feel dis respected by it He needs to respect that and respect you. in my opinion Porn IS a form of cheating, Especially if there are hiding, doing behind your back, and fantasizing about these other women. You two are MARRIED and he needs to compromise. You need to put your foot down and maybe give him an ultimaidum If you loves you he will stop.
I have always felt like it is cheating if I were to do something I would not want my wife to find out about. I enjoy looking at beautiful women as well, but having an extensive collection is strange to me especially since you can easily find that stuff on the net.

He really isn't respecting your feelings if you have expressed your wishes to no avail. This is a tough one. It isn't anything you can't work through, but he should tone it back if it bothers you.
Thanks for the responses so far. I've gone back and forth as to what I should do at this point. An ultimadum isn't going to solve the problem, only put more pressure on the marriage and I'm not the kind of person to say 'no' to much. I just want him to be more open. It bothers me most when he looks at it while I'm in the shower, or in the next room cooking dinner, or on his cell in the car on the way home (yes, I caught him in that, he had it pulled up on the internet browser on his phone when I went to look for a bookmark to a site he was telling me about). I want him to not hide it from me, to say "oh, I got this email today, check it out", or "let's watch some porn".

When he and I dated, we lived apart for the first 10 1/2 months. During that time, he would often forward me emails that contained pictures of naked women, and would forward him links to great porn videos I'd find online. I have NO problem with watching it, looking at naked pictures of women (or men, although he's not into THAT luckily, LOL), I have problems with it being hidden from me. If he was doing it in front of me, or including me in it, I wouldn't care, and I've told him this so many times I've lost count. It's so frustrating to feel like this.

He said he doesn't watch it to get excited or masturbate, he just likes it. He's been looking at it since he was a young teenager. He's been hiding it from his family, his ex-wife, ex-girlfriends, etc., but they were all against it. I'm pro-porn, yet he still hides it. He looks at it regularly, it used to be every day or so, now it's scaled back a little to once or twice a month (beyond Playboy), that I know of. Call me a horrible wife or whatever, but I do check up on him from time to time. If you're not doing anything wrong, you have nothing to hide, therefore should be open. He has all of my email and online account login information, I use the same username and password for almost everything, so it's not difficult to figure me out. I rarely clear my history on my computer or my phone, and never lock them because I don't do anything that I feel needs to be hidden. I'm open and honest, he knows that. He doesn't like when I snoop, but I'm just being a cautious wife. Men can be married to their wives for years, decades, then come to find out he's a closet bisexual/cheater who has been cheating on his wife with a coworker or friend or whatever for the entire marriage. I trust my husband to an extent, but I believe that you can never ever fully trust anyone.

But for now, my concern is that he refuses to minimize the collection he has, he looks at it regularly, he would probably freak out and throw a huge fit if I deleted all of it and got rid of everything... does that make him a porn addict? What are the conditions? He doesn't require it in order to perform intimately, he has a normal sex drive, he's never cheated on me physically (that I am aware of, but he's never given me the faintest feeling that he'd cheat on me), but he leads me to believe that porn is part of his life and he's not going to give it up. At 31 years old, isn't he past the whole "OMG BOOBIES" phase??? After looking at porn for 15+ years, isn't that enough? I mean, again, I don't mind the monthly Playboy, I enjoy it. I don't mind the occasional porn video online to get things stirred up or even get some ideas. But when he's looking at nude pictures or videos on a regular basis, when does that become an addiction?

Now, he does backup his hard drive on his computer, and it was done recently. I was actually thinking about deleting all of the porn on his computer, and hiding, make him think I got rid of every single thing. He said he'd choose me over porn, so in reality, he SHOULDN'T get mad at me... right?? LOL, I know this is a bit drastic, but he wouldn't lose any of it, and it would give me a little idea of what I'm dealing with here. If he was an addict, he'd immediately put the porn back on there and yell at me or whatever, right? If he wasn't, he wouldn't care either way? Like ARF said, there's plenty of it out there online, why would he need like 50 GB of porn saved to his computer?

One thing to note, when he and I started dating, he kept all of the pictures/videos on his phone under is iPod library and Photos. When I moved in and noticed he had that on his phone, I kinda made a deal of it. I told him that there was no sense in him walking around with 100+ videos and 500+ pictures of naked women on his phone, and he should take it all off of his phone. We argued a little bit, not bad, but he did take everything off his phone.

What should I do? Wipe out the porn, and see what happens? Or leave him be and try to talk to him about it again?

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