Talk About Marriage banner

21 - 38 of 38 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Discussion Starter #21
Icelander, I’ve heard of that but at this point anyway, it scares me. The treatments I had can cause ED for months or for ever. It hasn’t been but a few months so far, so I’m hoping for some degree of normal to return.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
635 Posts
I'm curious, what brought about her change of attitude after the five years of starvation diet?
It could be the cancer scare that brought her to her senses as to what she stood to lose.

I had a similar experience last fall that corrected a disastrous sex life that went on for OVER 20 years (yes that’s right)

How to get over the resentment? That’s a little more difficult. Counselling, googling answers, talking to support groups for prostate cancer. It takes time and consistent effort on your part and hers.

Speaking of which, there might be a couples counselling for your intimate issues in amongst your prostate cancer support network. The dr or hospital may be able to direct you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,490 Posts
CraigBsuden,
That’s the million dollar question. The rest of our lives seem to be fine. We get along, do things together, etc. We actually had a session with a counselor today. It’s my IC but for some reason my wife wanted to be there, which was fine with me.
Did she not give you a reason why she wanted to go? Did you not feel comfortable asking her? Did she bring anything up in the counseling?

It always seems odd to me when people say their marriage seems fine in general, but they don't know their spouses reasons for things. I wonder do they not ask? Are they not interested? I'm just curious -- I'd be thrilled if my guy wanted to go to a therapy session with me, but if it was out of the blue, I'd also be curious as to why.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,490 Posts
Working Wife, I know what’s done is done, but that doesn’t make it easier.
No, you probably feel like you've been robbed.

My wife says that with seemingly no understanding of the effect. Yes, what’s done is done, but what about the damage?
She tells you "what's done is done" with a glib attitude about you being upset over her previous lack of sex drive and now it may be too late? Ohhhhhhhh.... It might be because she feels there's nothing she can do to change it so she wants to shut the topic down. But that would just enrage me were I in your shoes.

Has she ever apologized? Expressed regret herself?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Discussion Starter #27
Aquarius,
I have not looked into the various support groups you have mentioned. This is something to consider. In my original post I explained how I hoped to find ways to deal with this from TAM folks.

Working Wife,
She knows she is always welcome at my IC sessions. Both I and the counselor have said that and in fact my wife did come to a session a few months ago.
She has said I’m sorry but that’s also accompanied by the what’s done is done. She does try to shut down that discussion. I’m not sure there’s any regrets yet but I do not get the feeling she understands how deeply this all hurts. Without that, I’m not sure can can really have or show any remorse. There is a hint of remorse, or maybe guilt. My IC sessions are for an unrelated issue. Her now stated reason for going was to ask the therapist if this sex issue is hurting my recovery from other unrelated issue. Maybe that’s a glimmer of hope that she sees our issue as something that must be dealt with and not just blown off. She will be coming to my next session.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
5,022 Posts
@Baldy how long have you and your wife been married? Was your sex life an active one prior to five years ago? Do you know the reasons why your wife didn't want to have sex with you for those five years before the cancer?

Edit- just read you go to ic

Have you ever heard the saying "Holding a resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.?"

I would encourage you to read this https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/some-assembly-required/201701/8-strategies-work-through-anger-and-resentment

It may help you get rid of anger and resentment from past hurts.

There are specific actions you can take to address feelings of anger and resentment in more healthy and helpful ways:

1. Practice identifying and allowing yourself to feel the underlying emotions that anger may be superimposed upon — such as hurt or fear. Strive to be present with and accept these feelings and the vulnerability they elicit.

2. Practice being consciously present with your anger and resentment. Observe it. Allow it to simply be. Hold it. Visualize putting space around it. Notice what happens.

3. Identify how you may have contributed to the situation(s) that you are angry or resentful about. Be aware that people (including you) frequently play a part in the circumstances about which they are angry and/or resentful.

4. Practice expressing anger and resentment differently. Share these feelings with safe, supportive individuals whom you trust. Journal or write about them. Discharge them through physical activity by working out, taking a walk or run, going for a hike, or playing a sport. If appropriate to the situation, participate in activities that promote social and economic justice and other forms of nonviolent activism.

5. Learn and practice relaxation and self-calming techniques. Examples include intentional breathing, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, Qi Gong, progressive relaxation, and quiet, unplugged downtime.

6. As difficult as it may be, endeavor to practice treating those people you feel angry at or have resentment toward with kindness and compassion. Notice what happens when you change how you act toward them — they will often change how they act toward you.

7. Resist the urge to be a channel for the anger and resentment of others. The anger and resentment of others can be seductive — they can have an almost magnetic pull. Don’t buy into it; resist the urge to join in their negativity or participate in gossip.

8. Practice applying the understanding that unless you’ve learned how to change the past, it’s as good as it’s ever going to get! Find ways to remind yourself of this whenever you need to — you don’t have to like what’s happening in the present or has happened in the past in order to accept it. And acceptance will free your attention and energy from the shackles of anger and resentment, enabling you to be more skillful in the present.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Discussion Starter #29
Lila,
We’ve been married 40 years. I would say our sex Life was average. 2-3 times per week, the occasional dry spell, the occasional over the top spell. Those years in question contained 4-5 times per year of mostly duty sex.

She claims she let her career take over. Long hours at work, long hours at home and on weekends. However, this was an established career with no advance possible our even sought out. If there were just once in awhile “work overloads” I could understand. It happened to me once in awhile. It just never seemed to stop for my wife UNLESS, and here is where resentment begins, somebody asked her for something. It could be one of our adult children or just a friend. She would drop out of her work and take care of that persons needs. It was often defended by the phrase “I have to do “ such and such. It could be baking cookies, last minute baby sitting, helping somebody at work, etc. I was not afforded the same treatment.

I tried date nights, planned in advance, to watch them put aside because of work or being too tired or maybe helping somebody else with something. We would end up arguing about going out to dinner or meeting friends to enjoy ourselves. Very ironic. And yes, to those who might ask, I did my share and or more of the household chores. She would not discuss any of this during that time. Sex was just not considered by her except for the rare duty sex almost as an afterthought.

I do understand that my resentment is something I must deal with, but is not a one sided issue. I think I would have a more successful result of dealing with my resentment if there was some sort of understanding on my wife’s part as to how serious this issue is.

I don’t wish to sound like a whiner. This issue is clouding an otherwise good life and relationship. We have many good times together but I feel our life is incomplete.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
5,022 Posts
Lila,
We’ve been married 40 years. I would say our sex Life was average. 2-3 times per week, the occasional dry spell, the occasional over the top spell. Those years in question contained 4-5 times per year of mostly duty sex.

She claims she let her career take over. Long hours at work, long hours at home and on weekends. However, this was an established career with no advance possible our even sought out. If there were just once in awhile “work overloads” I could understand. It happened to me once in awhile. It just never seemed to stop for my wife UNLESS, and here is where resentment begins, somebody asked her for something. It could be one of our adult children or just a friend. She would drop out of her work and take care of that persons needs. It was often defended by the phrase “I have to do “ such and such. It could be baking cookies, last minute baby sitting, helping somebody at work, etc. I was not afforded the same treatment.

I tried date nights, planned in advance, to watch them put aside because of work or being too tired or maybe helping somebody else with something. We would end up arguing about going out to dinner or meeting friends to enjoy ourselves. Very ironic. And yes, to those who might ask, I did my share and or more of the household chores. She would not discuss any of this during that time. Sex was just not considered by her except for the rare duty sex almost as an afterthought.

I do understand that my resentment is something I must deal with, but is not a one sided issue. I think I would have a more successful result of dealing with my resentment if there was some sort of understanding on my wife’s part as to how serious this issue is.

I don’t wish to sound like a whiner. This issue is clouding an otherwise good life and relationship. We have many good times together but I feel our life is incomplete.
I think you need to first figure out why you feel your life is incomplete. It's possible your diagnosis has made you question your life and all of the actions you have or have not taken leading up to this point. It is common for people with cancer diagnosis to reevaluate their entire lives. The resentment may actually be misdirected at your wife. You may actually be experiencing anger towards yourself for allowing 5 years of a sexless marriage. I only say this because nothing would have changed with your wife had your health not taken such a sharp turn.

Focusing on the negatives is also not helping. For example, you said you've been married 40 years of which 35 were very sexually satisfying for you (2-3 times per week average is really good) but you've chosen to focus on the 5 lean years. You are feeling resentment because you have placed your happiness in the hands of another, your wife, instead of taking control over it yourself. It is very much a one-sided issue. Yours. You want your wife to feel the same way about this as you do and when she doesn't, you get angry. Ask yourself what you could do to be happy again.

Reread the list of things I posted to help you fight resentment but I urge to really focus on #8

"Practice applying the understanding that unless you’ve learned how to change the past, it’s as good as it’s ever going to get! Find ways to remind yourself of this whenever you need to — you don’t have to like what’s happening in the present or has happened in the past in order to accept it. And acceptance will free your attention and energy from the shackles of anger and resentment, enabling you to be more skillful in the present."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Discussion Starter #31
Lila, I’m glad you found an author who speaks to and for you. It sounds more to me as making a person in my position to be the bad guy. I do not accept this position.

I said my resentment was something I have to deal with and I believe that. I also believe my wife has a large part in helping this process. Were married and with that comes responsibility to help one’s spouse when needed. That’s a two way street. I love my wife dearly as, I believe, she does me. However, as humans, we sometimes drop the ball when our partner needs us. It’s part of the ups and downs of marriage.

My happiness has not been given over to my wife. However, as a married couple, we absolutely do play a huge role in each other’s happiness.
Ideally, we are always aware of and support each others needs. We are individuals but married. We try to recognize areas where compromise is needed. That’s called marriage.

Life is full of “should have, could have”. Dwelling on those things can be harmful. To not understand how events in the past can and do effect the now and future will prevent moving forward. Married life, as well as life in general, is full of very real twists and turns both emotionally and physically. Dealing with those together, accepting each other’s role and effect on the other, is called marriage.

I still hope to hear from others in the same situation about how they have dealt with the physical side of the problem that indeed has an effect on the emotional side. That’s the “now”. The past leading to my resentment is my wife’s and mine to deal with which can only help us deal with the current issue of ED.

Our marriage is solid. Yes, I do have some emotional hurt that hopefully we can work together on to relieve.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,679 Posts
Do you think the resentment contributes to the problem?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,911 Posts
Lila, I’m glad you found an author who speaks to and for you. It sounds more to me as making a person in my position to be the bad guy. I do not accept this position.

I said my resentment was something I have to deal with and I believe that. I also believe my wife has a large part in helping this process. Were married and with that comes responsibility to help one’s spouse when needed. That’s a two way street. I love my wife dearly as, I believe, she does me. However, as humans, we sometimes drop the ball when our partner needs us. It’s part of the ups and downs of marriage.

My happiness has not been given over to my wife. However, as a married couple, we absolutely do play a huge role in each other’s happiness.
Ideally, we are always aware of and support each others needs. We are individuals but married. We try to recognize areas where compromise is needed. That’s called marriage.

Life is full of “should have, could have”. Dwelling on those things can be harmful. To not understand how events in the past can and do effect the now and future will prevent moving forward. Married life, as well as life in general, is full of very real twists and turns both emotionally and physically. Dealing with those together, accepting each other’s role and effect on the other, is called marriage.

I still hope to hear from others in the same situation about how they have dealt with the physical side of the problem that indeed has an effect on the emotional side. That’s the “now”. The past leading to my resentment is my wife’s and mine to deal with which can only help us deal with the current issue of ED.

Our marriage is solid. Yes, I do have some emotional hurt that hopefully we can work together on to relieve.
It's not making anything bad or good, it is about what you are choosing to empower.

Do you want that strength to be resentment or understanding?

One will create more distance with your wife, the other draw you closer.

I know you are looking for others/couples who have found solutions and while I haven't faced this challenge personally I have faced other challenges that would/should/could put resentment on a pedestal if I chose it to, and that is much more the issue than the medical.

Compromise is not always dealt evenly... when it is not in your favor and accepted freely that you will not create an ownership for one you love, it is a gift of the heart buffered with kindness... truly unconditional without blame

I would agree with @Lila where she states that point #8 is important because the "now" you refer to is nothing more than the past hurt carried forward making a deceitful present. Being present also means being forgiving of things, accurate or not, and in forgiveness clarity rises and allows you to be more calm and patient in your acceptance of what reality you are facing to continue establishing a happy future together.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
5,022 Posts
Lila, I’m glad you found an author who speaks to and for you. It sounds more to me as making a person in my position to be the bad guy. I do not accept this position.
I am sorry you interpreted what I wrote as making you into the bad guy. It was not my intention. I wanted to explain how you can release your resentment through the empowerment and without the aid of your wife.

I said my resentment was something I have to deal with and I believe that. I also believe my wife has a large part in helping this process. Were married and with that comes responsibility to help one’s spouse when needed. That’s a two way street. I love my wife dearly as, I believe, she does me. However, as humans, we sometimes drop the ball when our partner needs us. It’s part of the ups and downs of marriage.

My happiness has not been given over to my wife. However, as a married couple, we absolutely do play a huge role in each other’s happiness.
Ideally, we are always aware of and support each others needs. We are individuals but married. We try to recognize areas where compromise is needed. That’s called marriage.

Life is full of “should have, could have”. Dwelling on those things can be harmful. To not understand how events in the past can and do effect the now and future will prevent moving forward. Married life, as well as life in general, is full of very real twists and turns both emotionally and physically. Dealing with those together, accepting each other’s role and effect on the other, is called marriage.
What would it take from your wife for to make you stop resenting her?


I still hope to hear from others in the same situation about how they have dealt with the physical side of the problem that indeed has an effect on the emotional side. That’s the “now”. The past leading to my resentment is my wife’s and mine to deal with which can only help us deal with the current issue of ED.

Our marriage is solid. Yes, I do have some emotional hurt that hopefully we can work together on to relieve.
If it help, I dealt with my ex husband's ED for many years. We are now divorced in part because of his resentment towards me over the way i handled the situation. He walked out on a solid 23 year relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Discussion Starter #35
So kill me, it’s possible the resentment is the tail wagging the dog. I’m still trying to deal with that and I’m not sure if is hindering my unrelated reason for IC. My wife may be right. Hopefully my IC can help us resolve that so I can move on dealing with my original issue. You raise an interesting question.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,445 Posts
You're suffering from the 'woulda, coulda, shouldas'. Your wife doesn't own a crystal ball foretelling the future. She was living day-to-day just like everyone else.

Concentrate on solving today's problems because there is no way you can go back and rectify the past.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Discussion Starter #37
I am not trying to change what I can’t. (The past) I would be lying if I said the past isn’t making my moving on a little more difficult. I’m human. I need some time and some encouragement to lick my wounds and move on and some help from my wife to do so. I also asked for suggestions from people with ED as to performing sexually. I did get a few ideas from some of you. Hopefully some people, male or female, that have been down this road will chime in with how things are going for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,020 Posts
I am not trying to change what I can’t. (The past) I would be lying if I said the past isn’t making my moving on a little more difficult. I’m human. I need some time and some encouragement to lick my wounds and move on and some help from my wife to do so. I also asked for suggestions from people with ED as to performing sexually. I did get a few ideas from some of you. Hopefully some people, male or female, that have been down this road will chime in with how things are going for you.
How's things going?
 
21 - 38 of 38 Posts
Top