[0123321]

Newbie here! *waves hello*

I'm a girl age 30. Been married for 8 years, love my husband.

Anyhow, I'm feeling really down about something and thought maybe I could get some advice/opinions here. It has to do with decorating (oh joy!) So yeah, it's really not my thing. I'm not that good at it and it really stresses me out. We have been married for 8 years and our home looks like a very clean college dorm haha Very stark, nothing on the walls but a huge projector screen;P Well, we recently visited my mothers house and my husband kept commenting on how comfortable and "homey" it felt. I agreed. We both decided it was probably time to "grow up" and buy some nice things to make our house a home.

So yeah, we got back and started the nightmare. Lots of shopping and not buying anything at all. I get anxiety about buying stuff and he just "doesn't care." He told me over and over again "whatever you get is fine, I really DO NOT CARE." But that only gave me more anxiety about buying anything (I guess I was looking for more of a "Yes, I like that" or a "NO, that's ugly." I just wanted him to be happy with everything. Anyway (trying to get to the point.) My mother came up to visit recently and agreed to help me. With her help we bought a whole bunch of stuff and then with my husbands help we got it all up and it looks adorable. I was so happy, for the first time our house really does look like a comfy home!

A few days later we were out with some friends and one of the younger single males was talking about how he decorated his room and how it was so "sharp and manly" blah blah. Then that night my husband made a passing comment about how our decorating is "girly" like the Gilmore Girls house. It kinda hurt my feelings, but he didn't say it meanly so I just let it go. But since then he's made the comment like 4 times and it's starting to really make me feel bad. We spent so much money on it and I really want him to like it.

I can't tell if he's just saying that kind of stuff to look "cooler" in front of his friends or if he really doesn't like it. I finally told him that his comments were hurting my feelings and he pretty much rolled his eyes and didn't understand why.

Why would he say he doesn't care and then make comments like that? Did I screw up? Should have I tried harder to get his input? Should I consider redecorating little by little or am I taking this too seriously? AHHHHHHHHH HELP!

 

[Enchantment]

Well, if he actually either helped you in picking out the things, or at least didn't complain about them while he helped you put them up, he really shouldn't be complaining. But, alas, perhaps he has changed his mind and is bending under some kind of silly peer pressure. Just like a man!

Why don't you ask him what about the new scheme he thinks is girly? Did you see this other guy's place so that you can compare it to what your place looks like? Did your husband mention specific things he liked about the other guy's place that he doesn't like about yours? There are tons of decorating magazines and web-sites out there to go get some ideas from. When I decorated our first house (we've had five of them so far ), I looked through a lot of magazines, showed my husband, let him approve/disapprove and then went for it.

Sometimes, some things can be easy to swap out or change. For instance, I notice if left to his own devices my husband will tend to like things that are chunkier and darker, so it's easy to swap out a mirror or lamp for a different look. It's also easy to paint things (tables, mirror/picture frames) in darker shades so they have a slightly more masculine look.

So, first talk with your husband. If you're still intimidated by trying to do it on your own, talk with your mom about some things you could easily switch out based upon your discussions with your husband that might give the room(s) a more gender-neutral appeal. You can maybe rotate some of the items you may want to replace to a bedroom or guest room. Good luck!

 

[unbelievable]

I wouldn't worry about it. When he stepped back and left the cave decorating to you, he was just being a guy. When he made his "he man with girly wife" comment to his single male friend, he was engaging in a little BS male bonding, trying to look like a fellow stallion to his buddy, despite the presence of his obvious plow. It's what we do and it's makes about as much sense as going to a football game without a shirt in 10 degree weather. It's a guy thing. Don't try to figure it out. It's like your septic tank. It does what it's supposed to do and it's best to not lift the lid to check any closer.

 

[Antheia]

I agree with unbelievable.
My take is that hubby does not really know or want to be involved with decorating. He just does not have a clue. So since he can not decorate then you can't read his mind and get something he would like but he doesn't know what he likes.
If I were you I would ask your mom if it is too feminine since she was there and if she says no then just leave it.
Enjoy your new place.

 

[alphaomega]

In honestly, all us guys secretly love how our wives decorate. It does make a cozy home. We just are too manly to admit it sometimes.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[fedup52]

Newbie here! *waves hello*

I'm a girl age 30. Been married for 8 years, love my husband.

Anyhow, I'm feeling really down about something and thought maybe I could get some advice/opinions here. It has to do with decorating (oh joy!) So yeah, it's really not my thing. I'm not that good at it and it really stresses me out. We have been married for 8 years and our home looks like a very clean college dorm haha Very stark, nothing on the walls but a huge projector screen;P Well, we recently visited my mothers house and my husband kept commenting on how comfortable and "homey" it felt. I agreed. We both decided it was probably time to "grow up" and buy some nice things to make our house a home.

So yeah, we got back and started the nightmare. Lots of shopping and not buying anything at all. I get anxiety about buying stuff and he just "doesn't care." He told me over and over again "whatever you get is fine, I really DO NOT CARE." But that only gave me more anxiety about buying anything (I guess I was looking for more of a "Yes, I like that" or a "NO, that's ugly." I just wanted him to be happy with everything. Anyway (trying to get to the point.) My mother came up to visit recently and agreed to help me. With her help we bought a whole bunch of stuff and then with my husbands help we got it all up and it looks adorable. I was so happy, for the first time our house really does look like a comfy home!

A few days later we were out with some friends and one of the younger single males was talking about how he decorated his room and how it was so "sharp and manly" blah blah. Then that night my husband made a passing comment about how our decorating is "girly" like the Gilmore Girls house. It kinda hurt my feelings, but he didn't say it meanly so I just let it go. But since then he's made the comment like 4 times and it's starting to really make me feel bad. We spent so much money on it and I really want him to like it.

I can't tell if he's just saying that kind of stuff to look "cooler" in front of his friends or if he really doesn't like it. I finally told him that his comments were hurting my feelings and he pretty much rolled his eyes and didn't understand why.

Why would he say he doesn't care and then make comments like that? Did I screw up? Should have I tried harder to get his input? Should I consider redecorating little by little or am I taking this too seriously? AHHHHHHHHH HELP!

You have done nothing wrong. Do you like it? Why should his opinion matter more than yours. You gave him the opportunity to have input, however, he refused. He had 8 years to do something!

 

[Enchantment]

I wouldn't worry about it. When he stepped back and left the cave decorating to you, he was just being a guy. When he made his "he man with girly wife" comment to his single male friend, he was engaging in a little BS male bonding, trying to look like a fellow stallion to his buddy, despite the presence of his obvious plow. It's what we do and it's makes about as much sense as going to a football game without a shirt in 10 degree weather. It's a guy thing. Don't try to figure it out. It's like your septic tank. It does what it's supposed to do and it's best to not lift the lid to check any closer.

What!?! Why couldn't someone have told me this 20 years ago? I wouldn't have sprinkled his 'man stuff' around the house then. jk

Really, my H doesn't much care either. I just show him stuff first so that he can act like the man of the household and give it the okay. He's never said no yet or much complained afterward. BUT, I do try to make it more gender-neutral - I do live in a house with 3 males and lots of dog hair and Legos and toy cars and videogames and dirty socks and ....

 

[Conrad]

0123321,

I can only speak for myself, but you are in a potentially serious situation here.

I have always made good money. Yet, the description of "stark, bare, college dorm" DESCRIBES the 3 houses I bought for my first wife.

And, over time, it eats away at a man.

If you need an interior decorator, get one.

Find a female friend who has done well with her place and get some input from her. In fact, let her make the decisions and never tell him.

Don't let this go unaddressed.

Yes, we ended up in a divorce.

What you describe was a not insignificant part of the resentment leading to it.



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[Conrad]

Let me put it even more bluntly.

My second wife was "great" at those things.

It was a huge part of her appeal.

It's an emotional need for him.

Do not minimize it.



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[Enchantment]

0123321,

I can only speak for myself, but you are in a potentially serious situation here.

I have always made good money. Yet, the description of "stark, bare, college dorm" DESCRIBES the 3 houses I bought for my first wife.

And, over time, it eats away at a man.

If you need an interior decorator, get one.

Find a female friend who has done well with her place and get some input from her. In fact, let her make the decisions and never tell him.

Don't let this go unaddressed.

Yes, we ended up in a divorce.

What you describe was a not insignificant part of the resentment leading to it.

@Conrad ~

Well, I find this very interesting, as I had never before thought about a man becoming resentful because his wife couldn't help make the house a home, so to speak. Is there any reason why you couldn't have engaged an interior decorator yourself if your wife was hopeless at it? I love to decorate, and have a clutch of like-minded friends, but I have one friend who is absolutely hopeless at it - has no sense of style or color - it's just the way she is (we usually gang up on her and help her out.)

I wonder what would happen if a woman does step up and do the decorating, but it's not to the husband's liking - which is the problem the OP has? That's why I was suggesting doing some compromising on swapping a few easy things out to give it a bit of the vibe he would like as well.

Man, I hope that decorating doesn't have to become a battleground between the sexes!

 

[Kauaiguy]

When it comes right down to it, most men just want a place to sleep and be with the woman he loves.

The home itself is unimportant and that they would be happy living in a dorm, a shack or an apartment.

Decorating a home is a WOMAN thing and if the man wants a place to look like he decorated it, then he can have ONE room and the GARAGE (which is the mans domain anyway).

Look at any established married couples homes and ask WHO DECORATED the place? Even if the answer is "We both did". If you dig further, it's the woman that had the bigger say so.

The bottom line is: The woman MOST often calls the shot when it comes to BUYING A HOME, and DECORATING it!

 

[Conrad]

I offered. Her pride would not allow it.

Same for a cleaning lady.

Same result.

"Domestic Support" is a male emotional need. Check the marriage builders website. It's true.

Dismiss it at your own risk.

@Conrad ~

Well, I find this very interesting, as I had never before thought about a man becoming resentful because his wife couldn't help make the house a home, so to speak. Is there any reason why you couldn't have engaged an interior decorator yourself if your wife was hopeless at it? I love to decorate, and have a clutch of like-minded friends, but I have one friend who is absolutely hopeless at it - has no sense of style or color - it's just the way she is (we usually gang up on her and help her out.)

I wonder what would happen if a woman does step up and do the decorating, but it's not to the husband's liking - which is the problem the OP has? That's why I was suggesting doing some compromising on swapping a few easy things out to give it a bit of the vibe he would like as well.

Man, I hope that decorating doesn't have to become a battleground between the sexes!

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[Enchantment]

I offered. Her pride would not allow it.

Same for a cleaning lady.

Same result.

"Domestic Support" is a male emotional need. Check the marriage builders website. It's true.

Dismiss it at your own risk.

@ Conrad - I'm not dismissing it at all. I just found it interesting that you pointed it out specifically and the other male posters were more non-chalant.

I also found it interesting that I myself had never considered this angle before. Learned something new today. Makes me wonder what my own husband would have been like if I didn't like decorating so much (because he certainly doesn't like doing it). I have a strong desire to have what I call a "homey" home - something that is comforting, a refuge. Yah - I suppose some husbands get the opposite - their wife just can't quit decorating and changing everything. That could be another issue.

@ 0123321 - Sounds like you did a good thing in getting your mom to help you out getting your nest feathered. Honestly, if there are things that your husband doesn't like that are easy to change out, I would just go ahead and do it, if it means that much to him and you don't have concerns. Maybe he now wishes he would have added his input earlier. Otherwise, I wouldn't worry about it - based on the comments you've received here, you did good in taking the steps to make your house a home! And there's no reason why you can't evolve things going forward - picking up little things for your home here and there when you are out together.

 

[Conrad]

Trust me.

The little hints he's dropping sound exactly like mine.

I know the frustration behind them.

@ Conrad - I'm not dismissing it at all. I just found it interesting that you pointed it out specifically and the other male posters were more non-chalant.

I also found it interesting that I myself had never considered this angle before. Learned something new today. Makes me wonder what my own husband would have been like if I didn't like decorating so much (because he certainly doesn't like doing it). I have a strong desire to have what I call a "homey" home - something that is comforting, a refuge. Yah - I suppose some husbands get the opposite - their wife just can't quit decorating and changing everything. That could be another issue.

@ 0123321 - Sounds like you did a good thing in getting your mom to help you out getting your nest feathered. Honestly, if there are things that your husband doesn't like that are easy to change out, I would just go ahead and do it, if it means that much to him and you don't have concerns. Maybe he now wishes he would have added his input earlier. Otherwise, I wouldn't worry about it - based on the comments you've received here, you did good in taking the steps to make your house a home! And there's no reason why you can't evolve things going forward - picking up little things for your home here and there when you are out together.

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