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New Here and concerned about my wife

66K views 166 replies 58 participants last post by  Lila 
#1 ·
Hi all, I’ve been looking to find somewhere to get some advice and hopefully this is the place. Here goes...
My wife and I have been married 10 years, I would say our marriage is pretty good, not perfect, I don’t communicate with her as much as I should, but that’s just my personality. We have 2 kids (3 & 5). My wife is a nurse and probably a year and a half to 2 years ago she started in a new position at the hospital in nursing education. She is one of the younger people in that department (we are both 36). There is a similar age male in her department that she pretty much immediately took to because they were close in age. Fast forward a little while and they’ve become pretty good friends. On their breaks at work sometimes the walk around the hospital campus. He is married with no kids. I knew that she texted him a lot after work hours discussing work related things and also just general texts that you might send to a friend, but just recently as I was setting up a new phone for her, I saw what was a huge amount of texts to this guy. To put it into context, on her phone the three largest and longest text threads are #1. Me, #2. Her sister, and #3. This guy. Now consider that she’s only known him for maybe two years and he has the 3rd largest text thread with her.

So, being curious as to what they talk about so much, I scrolled through the last couple months of texts. I found a lot of work related things, a lot of conversations about how their days are going and what they are doing on the their days off, never anything together, from what I can see, unless she is deleting those parts of the texts. But a lot of back and forth in a lot of detail about their lives, she talks to him about our kids a lot, things that we do together, she sends him selfies, and he does the same. Nothing provocative, but I think they could definitely be consider flirtatious.

The two most concerning things I found in the texts were 1. Almost every day they text each other “Good Morning” and “Good Night” and 2. I scrolled through the part of the text that shows all the pictures that they’ve exchanged, and she sent him a picture of her bra and panties laid out on the bed. It wasn’t a pic of her wearing them, just the bra and panties on the bed. And that pic was deleted from the main text thread, but you could still see it in the pictures sent portion.

In the past I’ve sort of made jokes about her and this guy that I thought it was kind of weird that she was such good friends with a guy, and that it was a little odd that they would take walks together at work. She said that all he is her “work best friend”. She doesn’t know that I went through her phone, she may suspect it because I had it for a while trying to set It up for her, and she asked me if I found anything interesting on there, and I told her that I didn’t look through it, and she said “I wouldn’t have just given you my phone if I thought there was anything on there that was bad”.

I have been caught by her 2 other times looking through her phone, I was just curious about the things she talks about, which I know, is a complete invasion of privacy, and I was wrong for that. But now with this, I want to ask her about everything, but I fear that she is going to get really upset that I went through her phone again, and may not fully trust me ever again. I can already tell that she doesn’t trust me with her phone after snooping though it before because she never leaves it accessible to me. It’s always on her.

So I’m at a loss, do I bring up all these new concerns and risk a giant blowout that results in her losing a lot of trust in me for again, invading her privacy, or do I not bring it up and risk what could be semi-serious flirting turning into something more serious and possibly ending my marriage. Sorry for the long post, but I really don’t know what to do. In her defense, I really don’t think she is the type of woman that would cheat or set herself on a path to cheat, but I see the “flirting” that she may not think is flirting, just being friendly, and maybe he takes it as more than it is and tries something with her. To my knowledge, the only time they hang out outside of work is in big group with other people from their department, they’ve all gone to dinners and small get togethers at someone’s house.

So, with all that said, any advice would be appreciated, thanks!
 
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#3 ·
Her phone guarding is a huge red flag!

I would inform the OM's wife immediately about the number of texts and the
bra and panties text. Do not let your wife know you are doing this either.

Your wife needs to know you mean business. She needs to quit her job because
as long as they work together they will maintain their affair one way or another.

....and yes it is this serious

Sorry you are here and going thru this.
 
#4 ·
Here’s what you do.

Back up her phone, or at least take screen shots of your evidence. Because she will swear up and down that you’re paranoid and making stuff up.

Then, when all of that is safe, you sit her down someplace quiet, and you say “Wife, I know what’s going on with you and this guy. Don’t bother lying or trying to pretend that it’s innocent. I know. And I’m not going to tell you what I know or how I know it. What I’m here to tell you is that you have 24 hours to tell me everything, or to contact a lawyer, because our marriage is over. I’m not speaking to you for the next 24 hours. This time tomorrow, you’re either going to tell me everything, or tell me the name of your lawyer.”

Then get up and walk away. Ignore her about everything but the kids.

It’s escalating. If you don’t stop it now, it will all soon be over anyway.
 
#10 ·
Here’s what you do.



Back up her phone, or at least take screen shots of your evidence. Because she will swear up and down that you’re paranoid and making stuff up.



Then, when all of that is safe, you sit her down someplace quiet, and you say “Wife, I know what’s going on with you and this guy. Don’t bother lying or trying to pretend that it’s innocent. I know. And I’m not going to tell you what I know or how I know it. What I’m here to tell you is that you have 24 hours to tell me everything, or to contact a lawyer, because our marriage is over. I’m not speaking to you for the next 24 hours. This time tomorrow, you’re either going to tell me everything, or tell me the name of your lawyer.”



Then get up and walk away. Ignore her about everything but the kids.



It’s escalating. If you don’t stop it now, it will all soon be over anyway.
Everything in this is spot-on except 24 hours. That is 23 hours and 55 minutes too long. It gives her time to hide evidence and get their stories straight.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 
#5 ·
I'm so sorry but that is not an innocent friendship. Not at all. Your gut is telling you that for a reason. DO NOT confront her yet or she will just deny everything and take steps to be even more secretive so that you are never able to find out anything more. I know this because I've been in your shoes.

I suggest you go to the Coping With Infidelity section of this forum and start reading. One thing that is always suggested, and that I did myself, is secretly recording her. The thing is, you may find out some pretty awful things are going on after all. You have to prepare yourself. It's TOUGH.

You will find a lot of good advice here as well as sympathetic comrades.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#6 · (Edited)
I really don’t think she is the type of woman that would cheat or set herself on a path to cheat!
I wish I wish I wish so so so hard that I only had a dollar for every time a man came in here and said those EXACT words only to find out different.

She is already showing all the CLASSIC signs of a developing affair .... emotional or otherwise ......it's already FOR SURE an emotional affair

You are already showing the CLASSIC story of bury the head in the sand and claim "but I'm invading her privacy...she has rights..."
That's the classic do nothing and get what's coming to you approach.

If you want to give that other man the rights to your wife (and the rest of her too) you better get your head out your rear .....

***************************************************************************************************************************************

OK so now what ......... KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that that part is clear what you need is proof .......and I mean REAL proof.

If you don't get real proof before you start running your mouth to her then you just shot yourself in the foot.

Everyone on these boards has seen these play out a thousand times ...... your story looks like a re-run already watched a thousand time ---"The Hospital Story"

So get FoneLab and crack the phone for anything deleted and then get a PI.

You can do all the " Yeah but...Yeah but....Yeah but....." you want but the truth is there is A LOT MORE GOING ON THAN YOU KNOW !!!!!

Get FoneLab and get a PI. You will get answers really fast.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BY the way ....... she is cheating. Your going to come back to this post and read it again one day. Your going to see that I'm right.
 
#12 ·
PS don’t tell her about the phone. She’ll make it about privacy.

Don’t make it about the underwear. She’ll make up some story about how she was getting his advice so she could look sexy for you, or she was helping him buy stuff for his wife or something.

Don’t make it about trust, because she’s already blown it.

Don’t make it about anything but her telling you the truth. Let silences be uncomfortable. Don’t listen to demands or threats. Let her walk away if she wants. Let her threaten divorce. My wife did all that and more before we got to the truth.

It is a sexual relationship even if they haven’t had sex yet. It’s an inappropriate relationship even if they haven’t made out yet. It’s her accountability to manage such things so it’s clear to everyone that it’s innocent - she hasn’t done that.

Make it all about her telling you what happened. If she admits about sending pics of her underwear, you know you’re beginning the path. But don’t let it end there, and don’t let it end with half truths.

Buckle up. This is going to get hard. And you’re going to have to take some risks here if you’re going to right this ship.
 
#13 ·
If you have verzion you can get a tablet and have all of her texts in duplicate sent to the tablet.
In marriage there isn't to be any secrets. And a red flag said is she wouldn't give you the phone if there was something on it. Means she edits it continually ( lying). Giving the appearance of nothing to hide. The bra/panties thing means sexting is being done (cheating). And possibly talking about the kids so much could be grooming him to take your job as that away from you (cheating).

Not that type of woman? Sorry man! ( Wanting kibble's from another). Small dinners at another house? If you say so. The time has come to take a stand and demand for your marriage and peace. Tell her he's not you and doesn't need her Hellos and good night's. Only you and your family is deserves her attention. Sorry sounds like a lover instead of a coworker.

Or your going to be the marriage police! from now on. Walking on eggs then your frustration will trun and become the attacker to her and your little family. Do now what needs done! wishing it away isn't a way to live.

Sorry you are here.
 
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#16 · (Edited)
EA affair. Sending selfies? Bra and panties on the bed pic sent? Really? It would appear your W is working the OM. For what reason to send undergarment pics other then to heighten sexual tension. Ask your W how she would feel if you female coworker was sending you selfies and text good morning/night. Pics from OW of panties and bra. Think she would be ok with it? Doubt it.
 
#17 ·
A good thought just occurred: “wife, if it’s all so innocent, how about us four get together - the two of us plus him and his wife, and we talk about everything? I mean, if it’s all so innocent, she should laugh about it, right? I’ll have some interesting things to show her.”

I said that to the other guy with my wife’s EA - which I’m convinced wasn’t even romantic - but even that made him run like the wind. Because he was just fine with risking my marriage, but not his own.
 
#20 ·
How about you send yourself that picture of the bra and panties, delete it from her phone. Then later send it to her as if you laid it out and ask her to wear it. See if she notices where it came from. It is super passive aggressive, but would be interesting.

I was thinking you were possibly overly concerned, but right to question it until it got to that point. There is no reason what-so-ever for that to exist. He has no need to know, for any reason, what her underwear is like.

How long ago was that picture?

How do you know who is at the department get togethers?

I also support the double date suggestion.
 
#23 ·
To my knowledge, the only time they hang out outside of work is in big group with other people from their department, they’ve all gone to dinners and small get togethers at someone’s house.
You don't really know what goes on, do you?
 
#24 ·
Get fonelab asap . There is more there that you don't know . You two are married there is no privacy in a marriage . Privacy is for single people .

As far as she would never cheat . No one is above cheating . And work place cheating is one of the biggest affairs that happens. Because they can say they are working over and not actually working . Hanging out after work is not a good sign either ( that is a way of them spending time with one another without you there ) .

She is keeping her phone on her so you don't see a text he may send and you see it before she does. Get fonelab and see all the text . Wait till she goes to sleep and install it .

There is huge red flags here that she is having a affair and your gut is screaming at you. Dig deep my friend .
 
#26 ·
Your marriage is in trouble. Your wife is in an affair. If it hasn't gone physical, it will. You posted this because your gut is screaming at you and it isn't wrong.

Before you confront her, find out if this guy is married. If he is, let his wife know what is going on. You sound too timid to do this, but it is the surest way to kill this relationship.
 
#31 ·
A so to say ** Come to Jesus Moment!!! *** Truly narly:smile2:>:):wink2:>:)


Narly. This topic has been deleted. Britney Apr 20, 2017, 3:56 AM. and no it doesnt mean cool, it means insane, when surfers say that was a narly wave they are saying it was insane and diffucult not that it was cool. narly is a word used to evoke an amazement that is slightly negative
 
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#28 ·
You already have all the information you really need. The problem you have is you now want to discuss it all with her so she can tell you what it all means. This is a losing propostion that winds up with you being called insecure, controlling and all sorts of other names. You have seen enough to know there is a presence in your marriage that doesn't belong there. You are the guy who gets to decide what is acceptable to you or not acceptable to you. You have already decided it is not acceptable to you. Where you are now is you are deathly afraid to act on this. Because you feel if you tell her to end this friendship and get a new job she will divorce you. So what is ironic is you lack the confidence to realize that she should also be resistant to divorce as much as you are if you have any kind of balanced marriage. She will be angry and resistant but she does know already that she is betraying you. So if she does not want to drop this friendship and her job to stay married to you, then do you feel she is invested to the level that you are ?
 
#29 ·
Thanks everyone for your input, some really good suggestions. I know I came off as a bit unassertive, but I think that’s just because I’m still in that “I can’t believe this is happening to me mode”. All I can think about is my kids, and the worst case scenario of us divorcing and them having to grow up with divorced parents, one among whom cheated, just like I grew up. I read all your responses today and sat in my work van behind a job that I was on and cried. Just a flood of emotion came over me. The sad thing is, we celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary tomorrow and we are leaving for a 3 day weekend together on Friday, a trip that she has been planning. So, I know that she’s still invested in our marriage, or at least she’s putting on a good act in front of me.

I agree that there’s at a very minimum, some sort of emotional affair going on. So, let’s assume for a second that find no further evidence on her phone of anything physical or anything more provocative than a picture of her underwear. If it’s just an emotional affair, where do I go from there?
 
#34 ·
Proceed, with vigor nothing happens without participation on both cheaters, they will lie lie lie , gas light you and deny deny deny, and do things for you to distract you. Making things seem normal and hunky dory. This is what they are good at!! And see exactly what she is going to do to fix this crap sandwich she's feeding you.
 
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