Talk About Marriage banner

21 - 31 of 31 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
175 Posts
I can't imagine what you've been through. It seems you have planned your escape, but what about your son's life? Is he going to live up in the mountain as well and live there forever? Do you think she can turn violent towards him?

My heart breaks for your son. My husband's side of the family has dealt with a lot of mental health issues. I've seen good and bad outcomes in children who've lived with unstable parents. Has your son been to therapy? What are his plans and goals for the future?

I know you have a lot on your plate right now, and future plans can wait until you both are safe.

I'm sorry for what you and your son have been through. I'm glad you finally decided to make a escape plan.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #22
My son is going with me. My plan was to send him out there sooner because he has visited out there a few times by himself. I already discussed with him that I believe she will miss him and want to see him (I hope) as we will make arrangements eventually when I feel she is calm enough to see him for her to meet in some public place where she will be watched by someone nearby. It will always have to be a public place full of people. I do not want him ever getting into the car with her ever since she tried grabbing the steering wheel while I was driving at 60mph and having me swerve into oncoming traffic. It will take a while for her to recover from this as she did really bad with her first husband that she was not even married to very long. Luckily he was in another state. The difference between him and I was that he would knock her on her ass when she came at him. She tried to get revenge by seeking as much as possible in court but ended up with crap due to how they were married less than a year. She also sought revenge by taking all of his things out of the house while he was at work and selling them later, and trying to get people to harass his new girlfriend to hopefully break it up but luckily none worked and they are married today. When I first met my wife, she told me that he beat her and cheated on her as to why she acted the way she did. It was not until I had to call the police that I hunted him down online and found him and he shared many details where I could tell he was not making the things up.

Another commented in this forum topic about how she was violent in the past but that I do not expect her to be this time as possibly and error in judgment on my part. Her meds and the fact that I have not seen any psychotic tendencies in several years has me believing I would be OK. I would expect her to try hitting me but definitely screaming at me along with empty threats if she somehow ever found out. All I can say is that my escape plan is virtually flawless. I will have a GPS tracker on her phone so I will know that I am fine when loading up the moving truck. The moving out will only take 2 hours as I plan on leaving everything behind except for our beds (I sleep in a separate bed and my sons bed) but will buy all new things out there as I want no remembrance of this life.
I will have new phones when I move out of state. I already have plans on buy a cheap pay-as-you-go phone as my son will use that to talk with her that he already said he doesn't want to do because he knows how she is going to be but I did not want to close off all communication between her and her son. He can always hang up if she turns crazy.

I even planned out the place we lived at here. I got her to agree that we should rent and no longer own. I want to have virtually no fighting in court. The lease ends before I leave but I will have the last month paid so she will have plenty of time to move out. I haven't bought a new car for almost 10 years because I have been planning this for a long time. I am going to sell it as it is in crappy shape and will buy myself a new car after I am gone. She cannot fight either over our son as he will be 18 by then.

As for the guns, they will be long gone. I will be turning them over to a family member in the other state as they will end up in his name but I will eventually get them back. I plan on doing that a lot sooner too than initially planned. I also believe my state does not allow you to own guns during a divorce (not sure) but they will be given over to someone else anyways before I even file.
This nightmare is soon to end!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,420 Posts
My son is going with me. My plan was to send him out there sooner because he has visited out there a few times by himself. I already discussed with him that I believe she will miss him and want to see him (I hope) as we will make arrangements eventually when I feel she is calm enough to see him for her to meet in some public place where she will be watched by someone nearby. It will always have to be a public place full of people. I do not want him ever getting into the car with her ever since she tried grabbing the steering wheel while I was driving at 60mph and having me swerve into oncoming traffic. It will take a while for her to recover from this as she did really bad with her first husband that she was not even married to very long. Luckily he was in another state. The difference between him and I was that he would knock her on her ass when she came at him. She tried to get revenge by seeking as much as possible in court but ended up with crap due to how they were married less than a year. She also sought revenge by taking all of his things out of the house while he was at work and selling them later, and trying to get people to harass his new girlfriend to hopefully break it up but luckily none worked and they are married today. When I first met my wife, she told me that he beat her and cheated on her as to why she acted the way she did. It was not until I had to call the police that I hunted him down online and found him and he shared many details where I could tell he was not making the things up.

Another commented in this forum topic about how she was violent in the past but that I do not expect her to be this time as possibly and error in judgment on my part. Her meds and the fact that I have not seen any psychotic tendencies in several years has me believing I would be OK. I would expect her to try hitting me but definitely screaming at me along with empty threats if she somehow ever found out. All I can say is that my escape plan is virtually flawless. I will have a GPS tracker on her phone so I will know that I am fine when loading up the moving truck. The moving out will only take 2 hours as I plan on leaving everything behind except for our beds (I sleep in a separate bed and my sons bed) but will buy all new things out there as I want no remembrance of this life.
I will have new phones when I move out of state. I already have plans on buy a cheap pay-as-you-go phone as my son will use that to talk with her that he already said he doesn't want to do because he knows how she is going to be but I did not want to close off all communication between her and her son. He can always hang up if she turns crazy.

I even planned out the place we lived at here. I got her to agree that we should rent and no longer own. I want to have virtually no fighting in court. The lease ends before I leave but I will have the last month paid so she will have plenty of time to move out. I haven't bought a new car for almost 10 years because I have been planning this for a long time. I am going to sell it as it is in crappy shape and will buy myself a new car after I am gone. She cannot fight either over our son as he will be 18 by then.

As for the guns, they will be long gone. I will be turning them over to a family member in the other state as they will end up in his name but I will eventually get them back. I plan on doing that a lot sooner too than initially planned. I also believe my state does not allow you to own guns during a divorce (not sure) but they will be given over to someone else anyways before I even file.
This nightmare is soon to end!
Listen man.

5 months of living with abuse is a lot of trauma and a lot of risk - not the least of which is her figuring out where you're about to run to.

That isn't worth him finishing his semester with his buddies. He's an adult, he can understand. Go. As soon as possible.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
635 Posts
Please don't ever think that you know her. Don't ever mistakenly believe that she won't become violent.
My sister's best friend made that mistake.
They have a shelter for abused women set up in her son's name
I'm not going to provide you with the gory details.
Just please leave now.
Not worth the risk. Not worth it. His buddies will understand.
The stress must be so hard on you both.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this, it is such a terrible situation to be in. I am glad you are taking the steps to remove yourself and your son. I have similar experience in this, so I do have some advice for you. #1 Stay off social media! I don't how long you will have to hide, if it turns into an undetermined amount of years, don't be fooled by silence. Anything you do online, never use your real information (you shouldn't anyways, but in this situation absolutely not) So many things can be found about you online. Create yourself a new identity. You might think that is maybe overboard, but for your safety, it is not.

I have heard that extreme stress can have huge impacts on someone with mental illness. So you really do not know how she will react. She is going to be devastated, she will be losing her life as she knows it. This could throw her into a bad psychosis state. Don't underestimate things. As for your son, I don't know what to say about that. She could easily find you through him. He's younger and most likely will be on social media and there will be information on the internet about him as well. if you think he is in danger also, he needs to properly hide himself and stay offline and use a different identity.

I have watched too many true crime documentaries where spouses and children are killed by their loved one. Be safe, don't get careless.


I wanted to edit to add, to make sure you understand that my advice is meant for the years to come. I am not just talking about the next few months.

** I also wanted to add something about changing your identity. What I would do, since you are moving...pick a new name. Say "Jim Smith" and anyone new you meet, tell them you go by "Jim" and anything you do online use that same name. (unless of course it's banking or something where you have to use your real name) It covers your tracks a bit, especially if she does go physically looking for you and asking around.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,964 Posts
I'm presuming you have taken precautions that you will tell no one--certainly not here. I wish for you a good, safe life and for your son. If he chooses to pursue further education, you may or may not relish a solitary life. He will be especially stressed initially--be careful then.

I finally sought divorce because my kids were afraid for all of our lives--as he became more and more unstable. It is almost inconceivable that the day I filed was the best and worst day of my life.

Do not answer, of course... (((mom hugs)))
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,790 Posts
She cannot buy a gun in this state. She has mental illness diagnosis and takes 3 types of meds. She also has a police report for domestic violence so she will not be able to buy one at any shop around here.
Who says she has to get a gun legally? Crazy people do crazy things.

I've been where you are, but with no kids and it wasn't near as bad as what you have to deal with. I got out after 12 years. I am relieved you have what sounds like a well thought out plan. But I urge you to pick up the pace and you and your son leave now. Now 5 months from now.

I wish you and your son safety and peace. Don't underestimate her. She is capable of anything.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,582 Posts
@Cody ~ Get your a$$ off to an attorney's office pronto and file for divorce and to protect your assets and custodial rights!

Every passing day that you allow yourself and your son to live under the same roof with her places either or both of you in a state of peril!

She needs to be under psychiatric care!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,717 Posts
First off, I’m really sorry that you find yourself here, but rest assured that there are fantastic people here who give great advice.

To me, it sounds like your marriage is very unbalanced, with her wearing the pants 100% of the time, and you getting into ‘trouble’ if you don’t obey her. In a marriage, people are to be a team, not one against the other. I’m going to pick a few points that really got me in your post…

1. Does her entire family tell you to just be a doormat? That’s wrong, on many levels. Again, marriage is about being a team and working together, not about one person walking all over the other. I would think about telling her family to butt out of the marriage. When other people (including family members) stick their noses into a marriage, that marriage probably will suffer quite a lot. Mine was the same way; if I ever get married again, my family will NOT be involved in that marriage at all.

2. She can be gone for hours; you cannot or she panics. She can text/talk on her cell; you have to be monitored. You have to tell her everything about what you do, and she listens in on your conversations. She likes attention, but hates it when you get any. She’s allowed to go out; you’re not allowed to have friends and have to ask permission to go and spend time with anyone besides her. Are you kidding me? This girl is playing Mommy, and treating you like you’re 5.

People who place blame endlessly on others, and cast themselves off as the victim are generally people to avoid, if you can. You married one, so the situation is a little more tricky. Your wife needs some help. Her saying that your son will see the evil man that you are is terrible. How old is he now? Does she tell him that she thinks you’re an evil person? If so, I’d think that’s a form of abuse.

I’m responding to your post as I’m reading it, and the more I read, the more I want to tell you and your son to run, don’t walk, the hell out of there. Your wife sounds like a terribly unstable human being, and certainly not stable enough to be a solid parent or partner.

Okay, and now I’m at the part where you’re planning on leaving, and I say “good for you!” However, are you taking your boy with you? Also, don’t assume her threats of violence are idle; take them to heart and heed them. Someone that unstable is bound to do anything, which is also why I think you need to be your child’s protector. He’s already scared of his Mom, and he needs you.
 
21 - 31 of 31 Posts
Top