Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 31 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
My name is Cody and I am from Texas. I am married to someone who is narcissistic, diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and paranoid personality disorder.

I did not know she had bipolar disorder until she gave birth. She had thoughts about killing me, herself, and our child. This led to her hospitalization years ago, a court order of protection for one year as I was told to do by DCFS, and counseling to teach me how to be the best husband for her.

She has physically assaulted me more than once and along with her family where the police had to remove them all (wife too) from the home. She hasn't done that recently. Her brother-in-law told me that I should just let her have her way as that will keep the peace in the home. The family believes I should be a doormat and let her walk all over me. I heard her family tell her that she must always put her foot down when dealing with me as they do their husbands.

Her paranoia gets me into trouble a lot. If I am gone too long anywhere is when I get a string of voice messages "Where are you? What is taking so long?" even though she spends her days gone. She can text and talk on her cellphone but I cannot or she gets angry. I have to disclose everything I do whether on the phone or the Internet. She listens to my phone conversations and will assume that I am talking about her as she will ask me to explain something she overhead me on the phone saying.

She always plays victim. Everyone is out to get her. She will love and adore you if you were to tell her, "You look sad" but will despise and hate you if you were to say to me, "Cody, you look tired and little depressed" because she assumes you will think it had something to do with her being a bad wife or that we are in a bad marriage.

I'm not allowed to have friends as they are threats to her because friends to her implies bars and cheating. She's convinced my friends will have me cheat on her. She once gave me permission to go and spend time with one of my siblings without her playing chaperone even though she is out with her family quite often. I still was shocked that she said it would be OK for me to go out as though I need her damn permission to see a family member without her around. I no longer have family here as they are either dead or moved out of state.

She doesn't believe she needs medication and practically fired every psychiatrist who ever told her she had bipolar disorder. She believes the world around her needs meds as everyone else is screwed up. Also, she somehow thinks she is psychic because she knows what everyone is thinking. My dad thought she was a nutcase when she said some horrible things other people were saying and my dad asked her, "You actually heard them say that?" and she responded back, "No, but you know that is what they are thinking."

She claimed that when our son grows up that he will see the evil man that I am. He's grown up now and sleeps with his door locked because she scares him. He even told me that he has had dreams she hurt me and fears for me if I ever leave her. My family fears for my safety. My son cannot stand her as he shows her no affection and she blamed me for that. It seems she did not have any motherly instinct as I was the person who fed, changed diapers, and helped him throughout the years. I still hug my son to this day and always will. Affection was something she lacked with him in his early years. Whenever he cried as a child was when she would pass him off onto someone else. If he got hurt then he would run passed her to me.

I am in excellent physical shape that bothers her because ladies take notice and she gets pissed. I get yelled at for that even though I did zero flirting. My shirt cannot even be unbuttoned at the top so ladies cannot see my chest. She gets mad if I wear cologne. She cried when we went out to dinner and I ordered foods that were healthy as she wanted me to eat like a slob. She wants me to be unattractive as dumb as that sounds. She went grocery shopping and came home with nothing but frozen pizzas, candy, and drinks that she knows I do not eat but she figured if she spend $400 (yes, $400) on junk food then I would eat it and hopefully continue down a bad diet path. I did not eat those foods she bought so I went to the store to get my foods and came home to a crying wife assuming my diet and exercising is just to impress another woman. Her jealousy and insecurity is extreme. I almost was hit for a napkin pouch (wet moist wraps) because she thought it was a condom pouch. It was shaped square like a condom package but she did not even bother to carefully examine it and came storming at me while I was on the phone.

She's extremely angry and violent. She punched a ladies car at McDonald's for staring at her. She also used racial slurs against people in my presence that embarrassed me to death. She also has threatened to kill me if I ever divorce her and has stated that even if she spends the rest of her life in jail that she will be happy knowing I will never spend a single day with our child. She also told me that she will be standing next to God looking down at me suffering holding up her middle finger when I am burning in hell.

I'm not going to give ages or other details because I fear being caught as stupid as that sounds, so if anything I say seems vague or confusing then I apologize.

The time has come that I going to leave her in 2020. I was told by a professional to leave the state and it is to be done very secretly where she has no clue what hit her until she comes home to my things gone. I already have a place to live but I cannot leave until a certain month in 2020. I will be quite safe where I am going as I will be in a very difficult place to find where even a GPS cannot get you to my location. I will have a PO box that I will give out. I have been planning this for over 10 years now.

It has been a nightmare! I do not sleep with her or have sex with her. Amazing how you can be married but terribly lonely simultaneously. You can sit right next to a person or be in the house with them but it is no different than being alone. I have nobody to really talk to about this as I been bottling it up. Not sure if anyone else here has anything similar but I hope to meet others who have or had a similar situation as me. I'm happy it is almost over but the stress levels are increasing because I am about to embark on a new road I have not been on in so many years that I call FREEDOM! I just hope I never have to appear in court to see her where my attorney can handle everything on my behalf. I'm just scared of everything. The day I leave will involve a group of people while she is at work and one of them will be a cop that volunteered to help me leave the state safely.

I personally do not believe she will act with violence even if a gun was in reach. I think she more bark than bite. However, her weird thinking, jealousy, and angry outbursts do have people worried. I assured my son that we will be OK when we go as I will treat the situation as though she will attempt something but I truly believe nothing will happen at all. She has not gotten physical in a long time as he temper now (daily) is just yelling and name calling.

Just like to get to know anyone who has been in a similar situation as me. Hopefully I can delete this post later as I have been hesitating to hit 'Submit New Thread' button.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
42,691 Posts
@Cody

Welcome to TAM. I am truly sorry for the problems you are having. I'm sure it's very hard to live with your situation.

She threatened to kill you if you divorce her. But there are things you can do to protect yourself from such a threat. Has she said this more than once? And how long ago did she say it? It sounds like you have the safety issue of your leaving thought out.

Is your son leaving with you?

You mention a gun. Is there a gun in your home?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,445 Posts
I have lived through a small, infinitesimal fraction of what you have, and that was for a short period of time - and it nearly broke an otherwise strong and healthy marriage.

My wife has PTSD as a result of a sexual assault, and acted out in many of the same ways. She confronted it head on though when I forced her to - and she has it very much under control. However, this was trauma-induced BPD behaviours, not something more systemic as it appears that your wife has. And she appears to have zero desire to get it under control. I'm saying this to simply compare and contrast our situations, and to say that in a short period of months, we went from good to on the brink of divorce - and I probably let it go on too long.

So here's what you do: you grab your adult kid and you leave. Today, right now. You get the hell out of there, call the police to let them know that you are in danger, and you go far away. Block her on everything, file for divorce, tell your family so they can help you and you get out.

You cannot help someone that doesn't want to be helped. All you can do is limit your trauma, and your son's. And that means you leave. Now. You staying means you are actually empowering and encouraging her abuse, and traumatizing yourself more. You leaving means that she won't have that support, and will hopefully be forced to confront her illness head on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,575 Posts
I am glad you are finally leaving this hell you call marriage. I'm glad your son is going with you too and he seems to not have inherited his mother's illness/issues. Good riddance. You stayed years too long. You and your son will be OK. You will have peace. Something that living with a person like your wife is not possible.

Peace be with you and your son.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #5 (Edited by Moderator)
Hello EliGirl,

I know I am being paranoid as she does not use the Internet. She uses her phone to shop online constantly so I doubt she is searching the Internet.

She threatened to get her uncles shotgun to kill me. She has threatened me more than once. One time she thought I was leaving her so she grabbed the steering wheel while I was doing about 60mph and tried forcing me into oncoming traffic. I have been very careful ever since then to not even make her think I would ever leave her. She has improved since then as she has not thrown objects at me or hit me. I believe that was the result of two things. One time she hit me in the side of my ribs with an object that knocked the wind out of me and that was the only time I had her against the wall saying, "If you want to make this physical then I can guarantee you that I would win" and the fact I called the police on her as she showed no regard for our 17 week old baby at the time when I was shielding him with my body.

"Is your son leaving with you?" Yes he is. He is finishing school and plans to secretly leave with me. He's scared of her and doesn't want her coming out to see him for a while he told me.

"You mention a gun. Is there a gun in your home?" Yes, I have my conceal carry license. My guns are locked and she has no knowledge on how to load a gun. She never would touch a gun in her fits of rage but my family is worried if she caught me leaving her. My guns will be gone about a month or so before I leave.

Thanks for sharing!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Thanks for sharing Marduk! My son wants to finish his senior year with his friends. I also wanted to wait until he turned 18 as I don't want any headache in this matter. He finishes school in mid May. I have every plan to run as I will be moving over 700 miles away. I have been needing a car but did not want any new debt as I will be leaving that car behind. I have everything setup where I can leave and there is nothing to fight over. I've been slowly packing my belongings and shipping them to where I will be living so that moving will be a quick breeze.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,965 Posts
You never know what she might do to try to find you. She'd start looking 700 miles away--hope that was false, btw. I'd change my name to words never used before and pay the $15.00 to be a forum supporter and be put in the private forum where you cannot be googled.

Do you not want a divorce? I hope so--if you just disappear, will she not search for you? OTOH, her lawyer or a PI could likely find you or your child. Ten years is a long time and I'm thinking you have planned well. She is ill and will not change; she will never be logical or reasonable. Be wary, be safe.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
42,691 Posts
Hello EliGirl,

I know I am being paranoid as she does not use the Internet. She uses her phone to shop online constantly so I doubt she is searching the Internet. There are a lot of Cody's in Texas so I felt a little safe but I guess I would feel better if I changed my name to Cody as that was a name I used before to disguise myself.

She threatened to get her uncles shotgun to kill me. She has threatened me more than once. One time she thought I was leaving her so she grabbed the steering wheel while I was doing about 60mph and tried forcing me into oncoming traffic. I have been very careful ever since then to not even make her think I would ever leave her. She has improved since then as she has not thrown objects at me or hit me. I believe that was the result of two things. One time she hit me in the side of my ribs with an object that knocked the wind out of me and that was the only time I had her against the wall saying, "If you want to make this physical then I can guarantee you that I would win" and the fact I called the police on her as she showed no regard for our 17 week old baby at the time when I was shielding him with my body.

"Is your son leaving with you?" Yes he is. He is finishing school and plans to secretly leave with me. He's scared of her and doesn't want her coming out to see him for a while he told me.

"You mention a gun. Is there a gun in your home?" Yes, I have my conceal carry license. My guns are locked and she has no knowledge on how to load a gun. She never would touch a gun in her fits of rage but my family is worried if she caught me leaving her. My guns will be gone about a month or so before I leave.

Thanks for sharing!
Good to hear that you will be removing your guns some weeks before you leave. Even though she might not have experience with them, it's not that hard to get online to learn how to load any weapon.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,280 Posts
Make use of professional guidance on getting out safely. I really don't know the right steps, but I am sure there are people who do. And consult with a qualified psychologist. There may be effective techniques to manage the break so she leaves you and your son alone. Consult with an attorney so you know what paper to put in place to protect you and your son. Oh, and that concealed carry should be with you at all times when you do leave. Which is one good reason to consult with attorneys so that you have the correct paper trails if she does become threatening.

Don't be afraid to call the police if she is physically abusive or makes threats. De-escalation on your part today makes sense, but if she ratchets things up you should make the call to 911. Having a good history of what is going on could be extremely helpful in the future.

I worry about your guns in the house currently. You assume she doesn't know how to use one and that she wouldn't use it if she did get her hands on it, but those could be bad assumptions. She could probably learn in less than 2 minutes from the internet if she were interested. Crazy people do crazy things. Secure those weapons so that she absolutely can not access them, with combination locks she won't guess.

Best of luck to you and your son.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
101 Posts
So by leaving the state does this mean you do not have to proceed with a typical Divorce? It is great you are removing yourself from this sitution. You really are a great husband for trying to encourage treatment earlier in your marriage, but its time to take care of yourself now. I oddly enough just posted a thread for advice around the paranoia caused my childhood sexual abuse, but I cannot imagine taking my outbursts to that extreme (I keep my tears hidden in the shower and smile for my family). She truly is a narcissist. Good on you establishing some boundaries with the physical abuse. I am a firm believer in equal opportunity in that area and you have every right to defend yourself from someone causing you harm.

I am so happy your son will be by your side during this big change. Though you probably are through the mourning phase for your marriage, it will still be tough leaving the life you used to know. Will you maintain contact with any close friends, or has she ruined those relationships as well?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,691 Posts
If you spouse threatens you with a gun and actually says the words they are going to kill you that is the time for them to no longer be your spouse. That is really the only advice that is needed. Get far away and get the stat involved in the custody of your child. Also document the threats and keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
101 Posts
Make use of professional guidance on getting out safely. I really don't know the right steps, but I am sure there are people who do. And consult with a qualified psychologist. There may be effective techniques to manage the break so she leaves you and your son alone. Consult with an attorney so you know what paper to put in place to protect you and your son. Oh, and that concealed carry should be with you at all times when you do leave. Which is one good reason to consult with attorneys so that you have the correct paper trails if she does become threatening.

Don't be afraid to call the police if she is physically abusive or makes threats. De-escalation on your part today makes sense, but if she ratchets things up you should make the call to 911. Having a good history of what is going on could be extremely helpful in the future.

I worry about your guns in the house currently. You assume she doesn't know how to use one and that she wouldn't use it if she did get her hands on it, but those could be bad assumptions. She could probably learn in less than 2 minutes from the internet if she were interested. Crazy people do crazy things. Secure those weapons so that she absolutely can not access them, with combination locks she won't guess.

Best of luck to you and your son.
Totally agree here. Crazy people do crazy things when they feel desperate. If she were to catch wind of this pending move, it would be horrible if she got ahold of one of your guns. You should move them as quickly as possible.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #16 (Edited)
She cannot buy a gun in this state. She has mental illness diagnosis and takes 3 types of meds. She also has a police report for domestic violence so she will not be able to buy one at any shop around here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
SoKillme, correct, I should have done that. I originally joined to snoop around and did not think about my original user name. The thing is, I know for sure she would never find me here. Her only access to the Internet is her phone and it is to shop around as she is always spending money. I just live in fear of her as she always goes through my drawers and one time I forgot to close up my laptop so she was going through everything while I was in another room. Never made that mistake again! I just know I was being a bit paranoid as what are the chances she would come in here and see the state and the name and somehow make a connection? I did make the changes in my original post as the Admin changed my name for me. Thank you!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Sunsetmist, there is no way she could find me as I said where I will be living is not available on any maps. It's a long winding road up a mountain area. It up in a place that someone in my family had made as water does not even run up there. You have to have a spring box for your water. Only a few homes exist up that road as I am quite fortunate. The mailman does not even go up there as we have to pickup the mail elsewhere. I stated I will have a PO box. I do not see her driving that far to attempt to find me. Luckily she is scared of long distance drives too. I will be quite safe where I am going. She will be served the divorce papers at her job they day I leave so she cannot claim abandonment. I will be long gone by the time she gets those papers that day.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
19 Posts
You seem terrified.
I wonder if that life does you good.
Or weigh you down.

Kids being involved always makes things difficult. Letting go from a damaging relationship for one's own benefit is easier as long as there are no children involved.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,285 Posts
Your son fears for your safety. Your family fears for your safety. You stated you didn't think she'd be violent and yet related a few stories of her being violent. Your wife is dangerous. You have a CPL. While I agree with removing your weapons quietly before you leave I took that to mean all of your weapons. I do not agree your wife couldn't load a gun, literal toddlers have managed to figure it out, or that she wouldn't touch one just because she never has before. You've never left before, either, so her behavior should be expected to escalate. SHe may not have been violent in a while, but that doesn't mean she won't be. And women have instincts. Her antenna might tell her something's up. Add paranoia to whatever her instincts might be telling her and it's not impossible she'll pick up on you preparing to leave.

I also have my CPL as does my husband. We carry because we know the odds of being involved in a situation where using deadly force is justified is relatively small, but does exist.

I am not going to tell you what I think you should do, but I am going to say that your pistol cannot save your life from storage.
 
1 - 20 of 31 Posts
Top