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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We used to have fun, laugh, talk, and enjoy doing things together and with the kids. The change has been so slow I only just realized how bad things are now. Our sex life is dead (he told me 6 months ago that he was no longer interested in sex with me because he had "been there, done that."). There is no affection (he has never been an affectionate type..most of the cuddles and hugs went along with the sex). We never talk. A few months ago we went out for dinner and I was straining to figure out what to say to him. He is angry, very angry, and bored with is job and his life. I edit what I say and do now in case he gets mad and blows up. The kids are tiptoeing around him now. It is worse on the nights when he drinks. I now think that he is depressed and needs help. Sometimes there is good reason to be annoyed or at the kids, but his reaction is so strong, out of balance with the situation.

There was a huge blowup on the weekend and I told him that he needs help. He agreed to counselling but now that the dust has settled he says he will "see someone eventually" and that a doctor can't help the fact that my teenage daughter now lives with us full time and we have lots of debt.

My question is - am I crazy? Away from him I know that our relationship never used to be like this, and that he is an unhappy and negative person now. I know I want better for me and for my children. But when I talk to him about it he seems so angry and defensive and he makes me feel I am overreacting. I am afraid to tell him what I really feel in case he gets mad and starts yelling and making a scene again.

Any voices of sanity out there?
 

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Ever look at him and say, "Honey, you're right."? And heres's our options....

-sacrifice every waking moment to obtain the elusive almighty dollar to dig us out of this hole we dug
-screw it, let's take a vacation to Jamaica, just you and me...
-let's forget about our troubles for one evening, make wild monkey seks and we'll have a meeting of the minds tomorrow at 6 pm.
 

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I can't help you make any decisions, but there is one thing i CAN tell you: He has no idea you are as far gone as you are. As much of an ass as he's been acting, he has no idea you are about to check out.

You have to let him know how bad it is, and that's not going to be easy. My wife tried to let me know for 5 years or so. When I realized she was gone, I knew EXACTLY why. I heard her, but I didn't HEAR her.

I'm a changed man. Losing your soulmate will do that. But it's too late for me. I hope you can wake him up before it's too late for him.

Good luck.
 

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I wouldn't be able to stay in a situation like that. You are walking on eggshells and are afraid to talk to him about anything. I can't imagine this living situation is good for your daughter too. Sounds like he is feeling sorry for himself, poor be, I'm broke, hate my job and my step daughter is living with us, too bad that's life and treating you like crap isn't going to help the situation. Maybe he thinks treating you like this will get you and your daughter to leave. I wouldn't stay where I wasn't wanted.
 

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We used to have fun, laugh, talk, and enjoy doing things together and with the kids. The change has been so slow I only just realized how bad things are now. Our sex life is dead (he told me 6 months ago that he was no longer interested in sex with me because he had "been there, done that.").
I can't really go past this line right here.

It's time for divorce, RIGHT AWAY!

It's unfixable if above is true (unless he was just spewing BS in the heat of the moment).

Confirm this. Without intimacy, desire to make love to each other......there is no marriage. Ok fine, you can have your marriage but it's not going to last.

Also, those are the words of a man that already went and got some from someone else. I would ask him for phone/account passwords etc and expect it to be provided right there and then. If he refuses, you got your answer, he is hiding something......but based on his communications, I would assume that is already true.

DO NOT consider kids when making this decision. They will be fine as long as you 2 remain in their life. Remember, being in unhealthy/bad marriage = teaching your kids "what relationship is"........they will follow your lead (read: it's BAD to stay in this relationship for your kids as well).

Good luck
 

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Somehow you need to take matters into your own hands and this may require shock tactics if he won't listen. As scary as it might be, an ultimatum may be needed, which might need some careful planning.

If I may link: Alcohol misuse - Treatment - NHS Choices However I can't help feeling that this is a symptom, rather than the cause, of a far deeper issue.

My ex had addictive issues and ended up in MachoMcCoy's boat. Nearly 10 months later the estranged Mr Rabbit is still in a state of disbelief over my departure, because he claims he didn't see it coming.
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We used to have fun, laugh, talk, and enjoy doing things together and with the kids. The change has been so slow I only just realized how bad things are now. Our sex life is dead (he told me 6 months ago that he was no longer interested in sex with me because he had "been there, done that."). There is no affection (he has never been an affectionate type..most of the cuddles and hugs went along with the sex). We never talk. A few months ago we went out for dinner and I was straining to figure out what to say to him. He is angry, very angry, and bored with is job and his life. I edit what I say and do now in case he gets mad and blows up. The kids are tiptoeing around him now. It is worse on the nights when he drinks. I now think that he is depressed and needs help. Sometimes there is good reason to be annoyed or at the kids, but his reaction is so strong, out of balance with the situation.

There was a huge blowup on the weekend and I told him that he needs help. He agreed to counselling but now that the dust has settled he says he will "see someone eventually" and that a doctor can't help the fact that my teenage daughter now lives with us full time and we have lots of debt.

My question is - am I crazy? Away from him I know that our relationship never used to be like this, and that he is an unhappy and negative person now. I know I want better for me and for my children. But when I talk to him about it he seems so angry and defensive and he makes me feel I am overreacting. I am afraid to tell him what I really feel in case he gets mad and starts yelling and making a scene again.

Any voices of sanity out there?
It could be as simple as he is drinking and focusing on life from a negative viewpoint. This is correctable.

I'm not sure how we get our spouse to see this.
 
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It could be as simple as he is drinking and focusing on life from a negative viewpoint. This is correctable.

I'm not sure how we get our spouse to see this.
Real drinkers fight alot and get angry. They tend to focus on negative issues, rehash things they are angry about, it's a downward spiral over time.

They my be irritiable, stubborn, just plain a-holes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I can't help you make any decisions, but there is one thing i CAN tell you: He has no idea you are as far gone as you are. As much of an ass as he's been acting, he has no idea you are about to check out.

You have to let him know how bad it is, and that's not going to be easy. My wife tried to let me know for 5 years or so. When I realized she was gone, I knew EXACTLY why. I heard her, but I didn't HEAR her.

I'm a changed man. Losing your soulmate will do that. But it's too late for me. I hope you can wake him up before it's too late for him.

Good luck.
Any advice on how to wake him up? I told him it isn't fun to see him miserable and he can't be enjoying it either. He is such a state of negativity in his head he doesn't seem to be making the effort. He says he wants to get healthier, lose weight etc but then he skips the gym and eats the cookies I bought for the children. I can see he is in such an unhealthy state (physically & emotionally) and I really don't know how to help him. What would have worked with you??
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
How much does he drink?
He goes days without drinking, but when he starts he usually drinks too much. I can happily enjoy a glass of wine with dinner and then be done. He will finish the whole bottle and open another one, drinking alone. A few years back that was the only time he would be affectionate, and/or initiate sex. Which of course never turned out well because he couldn't perform. We once had a big scene because he was loud and sloppy drunk, wanting sex, while the kids were still awake and walking around and would have been aware of what was happening. He was so mad that I said it wasn't a good time for it. Now he just gets more quiet and withdrawn when he drinks. For a few years he has been saying he wants to stop.
 

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clinical depression is often a perpetual condition since the afflicted don't have the strength to go get the help/meds/therapy needed to get better

you are basically at a point where you have to make it known that it changes and gets treatment or else you will not be around to suffer from it
 

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He goes days without drinking, but when he starts he usually drinks too much. I can happily enjoy a glass of wine with dinner and then be done. He will finish the whole bottle and open another one, drinking alone. A few years back that was the only time he would be affectionate, and/or initiate sex. Which of course never turned out well because he couldn't perform. We once had a big scene because he was loud and sloppy drunk, wanting sex, while the kids were still awake and walking around and would have been aware of what was happening. He was so mad that I said it wasn't a good time for it. Now he just gets more quiet and withdrawn when he drinks. For a few years he has been saying he wants to stop.
since he goes days without drinking it's most likely a scenario where he is self-medicating, drinking to escape and feel better (which is futile since alcohol is a depressant and makes it worse)
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I can't really go past this line right here.

It's time for divorce, RIGHT AWAY!

It's unfixable if above is true (unless he was just spewing BS in the heat of the moment).

Confirm this. Without intimacy, desire to make love to each other......there is no marriage. Ok fine, you can have your marriage but it's not going to last.

Also, those are the words of a man that already went and got some from someone else. I would ask him for phone/account passwords etc and expect it to be provided right there and then. If he refuses, you got your answer, he is hiding something......but based on his communications, I would assume that is already true.

DO NOT consider kids when making this decision. They will be fine as long as you 2 remain in their life. Remember, being in unhealthy/bad marriage = teaching your kids "what relationship is"........they will follow your lead (read: it's BAD to stay in this relationship for your kids as well).

Good luck
Thanks for that. It has been about 7 months now and those words still ring in my head. It was such a shock I couldn't believe it. It made me realize that all those times I initiated sex and got a rather, um, soft response from him it wasn't because he was tired, or not in the mood. He just isn't attracted to me anymore. I would be ok with that if all the other aspects of our life were strong - we still laughed together, cuddled and showed affection to one another. But every good element of our marriage has drifted away and I am only just realizing it.
 

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I can see he is in such an unhealthy state (physically & emotionally) and I really don't know how to help him. What would have worked with you??

I don't know. That's where my walk-away-wife expertise ends. If I could tell you, you wouldn't need me here. You'd just need to buy my book that I write when I finally figure it all out.

I had to find out my wife was gone. It was one HORRIBLE instance in my life where my wife made one simple comment. 6 months of reading these forums to find out what the heck was going on became terribly clear in that one moment. It all clicked together: My wife is gone. She's not coming back. And it is ALL MY FAULT.

My world crashed. I changed IMMEDIATELY. No freakin' WAY was I EVER going to be a person that could do that to someone I love. Let my kids see me be that kind of person.

You need to make him THINK you're gone. I've always recommended a suitcase and a note that explaining why it's over now. He can read up if he wants to know why (he already does, but putting it in writing makes it clear and he can read that list over and over). Stay at a friends while he thinks you're looking for an apartment.

In short, crash his world. And leave it in a shambles for a couple of months. Only then will you even HINT that you MAY come back if he changes.

No little endeavor. It will be hard and a lot of work. Who he is now is the result of decades of living his life one way. You have to tear down his world before he can rebuild it. I got my message loud and clear. But it was too late. I'm a new man today. And my relationship with my kids is better than ever. I'm a new dad to them. But my wife is gone. My marriage is gone.

And it was all my fault.
 

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Any advice on how to wake him up? I told him it isn't fun to see him miserable and he can't be enjoying it either. He is such a state of negativity in his head he doesn't seem to be making the effort. He says he wants to get healthier, lose weight etc but then he skips the gym and eats the cookies I bought for the children. I can see he is in such an unhealthy state (physically & emotionally) and I really don't know how to help him. What would have worked with you??
See above in bold.

Something I've learned VERY early in life (teens/early 20s)with my drug addicts "friends" (and this is something that applies to ANYONE in ANY SITUATION).

You cannot help someone that is not willing to help themselves.

Most people know and talk about how to fix things or what to do "right"......it's the ACTIONS that matter (not the words).

So next time your husband talks about alcohol or getting healthy, tell him that you have heard this before, you are looking for ACTIONS.

Also, you should never EVER be afraid to talk to your husband about ANYTHING.

You need to sit him down, and confront him in a healthy/adult manner. Set some fighting rules before you do so, and tell him that when you 2 talk and have a adult conversations there is absolutely no anger, no defensiveness, name calling (or whatever else you 2 decide on). FOLLOW THAT, if it's broken, come back to the table when things are back to normal.

what I'm trying to tell you is that you need to tell him that his words told you that this marriage is over. To top things off, he is NOT getting healthier and his alcohol is REALLY effecting the marriage. Tell him you are considering divorce if nothing changes SOON.

He does deserve a fair warning, give it to him. I will write off what he said about "I've been there" as some drunk/spewing talk......
 

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Good evening lakergirl
You are not crazy - there is a real and serious problem here, and it sounds like a miserable situation.

You need to think carefully about what has happened - there may be lots of clues that aren't in your original post. Is there a root cause to all these problems. It almost certainly isn't your fault but its worth thinking about ways you might fix it. Some possible causes to think about:

Is he clinically depressed - by which I mean is he depressed / unhappy even when there is no reason?

Is he an alcoholic (or other substance abuse)? Might he be drinking without your knowing it.

Is is job / financial problems the issue? Sometimes people let problems at work affect the rest of their lives.


Is sex / intimacy the root cause - for many people these are tied together so give the bad state of your sex life, I'm not surprised other intimacy is gone. Are there things he wants in bed that you don't want to do (I'm NOT saying it is your fault, just trying to understand). Is he bored with sex because he wants something different? When you do have sex does does he care about your enjoyment in bed?

If he sometimes has ED, could that be affecting his self worth, sex life and everything else? Some men are extremely sensitive about this.

Doe he have, or think he has other health issues? Chest pains (probably indigestion or stress) that he thinks are heart problems but is too frightened to see a doctor?

There may be many other possible causes. You shouldn't live like this, and in the end divorce may be the only answer, but its worth some very careful thought to see if you can understand what is going on.
 

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..you is that you need to tell him that his words told you that this marriage is over. To top things off, he is NOT getting healthier and his alcohol is REALLY effecting the marriage. Tell him you are considering divorce if nothing changes SOON.
I can GUARANTEE she has already told him. Telling people like this doesn't do a damn thing. She needs to SHOW him.

You have to scare the **** out of him. It worked on me. But I guess I'm just one poster...
 
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