[paperoses]

Hello,
What I have read so far has been very helpful. This is my first time on this forum. I especially appreciated the post "Questions for men who have been in EA's" by Elle 73.:smthumbup:

What distresses me the most and what i cannot seem to recover from is my husbands insistance that she (the EAAP) was such a better person than I. He no longer believes this is true..however...just knowing that he had detached from me so completely...

Can anyone explain how this happened, if it did, for them?

I had done nothing at the time (my husband agrees now) to warrent such a comparison. He insisted at one time that she was "an honorable woman" and I was a "*****"! This was BTW, the first time in our marriage he had ever called me a *****. Not the last. He made many unflattering comparisons.

Now, he is sorry and those feelings for her are gone ..supposedly...his feelings are rather difficult for me to follow.

Any comments will be appreciated.:scratchhead:

Paperoses

 

[Chelle D]

You'll need lots of counselling to talk about this with hubby.
Yes, when someone is in a EA fog... it can really skewer his thinking & reactions. He said things to hurt you... so that he could justify to himself him wanting to be closer to her. He said mean things that he probably really didn't mean at the time. All in the guise of self justifying that it was "okay" for him to do this emotional affair.

It is going to take a LOT of time & effort to get over it. But, I really think at some point, it needs discussed with him, on an open level with a counselor... So that he can understand how much it hurt you when he said them. That he cannot just blow it off as "something that was said in the past".. that we are 'over the affair' now.

He needs to know that it is going to take a lot of effort on his part, to convince you that you are number 1 to him. That You DO mean the world to him.

 

[paperoses]

Thank you Chelle. I am not really sure if I will ever get over this. I do appreciate your support very much.

 

[Chelle D]

I understand that sometimes you wish you could just "put it behind you".. but when your heart is hurt that badly by someone you once trusted.... the thoughts keep coming back & you want to wonder "why me?" Why did he treat me this way?

I feel for you. I wish I could take some of the pain/doubt for you.. but, know that eventually... things WILL get better.

Think back to a time in highschool that a boyfriend hurt you, or you broke up.. It was the worst feeling in the world at the time. But, yes, eventually you got over it & moved on with your life.

This too will get better. It's harder though when you are sticking together with the partner & you can't just "Hate him" until you forget about it/him.

Good luck. I hope that someday, you can open up enough to him to let him know how much he means to you, and that when you love someone that much, the betrayal hurts that much more.

 

[paperoses]

You are very kind. Thank you