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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
hello. i have been married to my husband for about two and a half years. the last time we had sex was three years ago. i have some medical issues that cause a lot of fatigue. in the beginning of our sexual issues, he had a lot going on as did i. we figured that between all the stuff that he had on his plate, all the stuff that i had on my plate, and factor in my medical issues, that was where our problem with sex came from. which, we decided wasn't really a problem. we were both fine with it. i had no interest in it at all and he was too busy to worry about it. since then, there are other issues that have contributed to the sex issue, as you will read further down in the post.

we never lived together before we got married. once we did, things started popping up that i had taken for granted. i kind-of saw him as one type of person and assumed that he was that. then when we moved in together, he had a hard time hiding things from me that he could, very easily, when we didn't live together. i am not saying that he was a jekyl/hyde but, there were things that he would do that he didn't want me to know about, and living together made it harder for him to hide. i am also not saying that he tried to deceive me into marriage, either. he was afraid of how i would react if i knew. he also has depression issues. example: he was always a night person. me, having to work at 8am and fighting my fatigue, was in bed by 8 or 9pm. i would wake up and find him in the basement playing video games and drinking. week nights, weekends, whenever. i started to realize that it was more than a once in a while thing. he did it every couple of nights. and he didn't just have a drink, he got drunk! one night, i woke up to him peeing in the hall closet! we talked about it, he would stop for a while, then start drinking once in a while on a weekend, then more often until he was back where he started. he would do this over and over again. now, i know that when a person has issues with alcohol, he is the only one that can get help. i can't force him to do it, he has to want it. well, a few months ago, he ended up drinking one night until 5:30am and realizing later that he couldn't stop himself that night. he agreed he had a problem and decided to stop altogether. he has slipped once since then. that was about three months ago. i am so glad about this! this is the first time he has gone so long and been so determined. he has also decided to quit smoking! yeah!

one of the other things i noticed was that he had issues with hygiene. first off, i must tell you that i have a chronically stuffed up nose so, i don't have the best sense of smell. he started to not take showers regularly. then when he did/does, i don't think he uses soap. i know he doesn't use a washcloth. we have talked about him not showering all that much and it has been like the drinking issue. he will start showering every day, then every other day, then less, then i mention it again, he apologizes, starts showering every day, then every other day, then less again. it's a vicious cycle that just repeats itself. once i realized that he was using my towel every so often, that disgusted me! i said something about that and thankfully, he hasn't been doing that anymore. we also talked about it being connected to his depression. he doesn't see that. he thinks that he does it because he just doesn't have time. he has plenty of time to play solitaire for hours on end on his computer while watching tv until the wee hours of the night! i get tired of saying anything. i get embarrassed to go places with him because, i don't know if he smells or not. i get tired of making him take care of himself. it is bad enough that i have to pick up after him all the time (another thing i found out after moving in with him!). i sometimes feel like i have a child that i have to take care of not a husband that i share my life with! it makes the sex thing a non-issue, completely, with me. i am repulsed when thinking of him sexually at this point. i thought back and when we were having sex regularly, i was getting yeast infections and bladder infections pretty regularly. realizing that has also deterred my interest.

i am really proud of him and what he has accomplished with his drinking! i know that he has a hard time with his depression issues and he is talking to his doctor about that but, he doesn't want to see a therapist about it.

i know this is a lot of issues in one post. i am sorry about that. i know that it is all over the place too! i hope it makes some kind of sense. i was trying to put a lot in.
 

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Smoking, ALcohol, Bad hygene sounds like he has depression issues and until those are adressed I don't think you will have a husband. Further it sounds like both of you have communication issues that need to be worked on because if these problems have been this bad for this long then something isn't being said, said right or listened to.

I would think that you need to really evaluate your relationship with him and decide what you want, and what you need from him to continue being married and I'd question why you stayed marriage if he is this much of an ogre.

draconis
 

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I agree with Drac, But I also feel you ahve a depression issue aas well, See a Dr. and you both should see a counselor together or a marriage therapist.

Best of luck
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
thanks guys.

i have realized that i have slipped into a depression this past winter and am seeking help for that. i have started with a therapist.

as far as staying married this long, i love him. he is my best friend.

yes, the communication has gone drastically down-hill. we used to talk about everything and anything. when these issues started popping up, as i said, i have talked to him about it. over and over. about the only thing i haven't told him is that it has gotten to the point that he repulses me sexually. i didn't think it would help him to hear that.
 
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