Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am 37 years old and have been married 4.5 years. I thought we were happy and solid but almost 2 years ago I was shell shocked to find that I was on the verge of divorce.

My husband and I met in high school, but we never dated until our early 20's. It was the wrong timing and it only last a few months.
After some much needed growing our paths crossed again and we gave it another shot. This time I knew we had our timing perfect.

We married after 5 years. We have our share of difficulties. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and he has three children from three previous relationships.

I have always struggled with communicating my thoughts and feelings. He doesn't communicate at all. I guess we both expect each other to know what the other wants and needs and just act on it.

I guess knowing all that, it shouldn't have surprised me but it did. I thought we were happy and in love. We were going through a rough patch, a little hum drum is expected.

My husband was going through a lot of pain, having lost his brother and being unemployed. I thought I was giving him what he needed. Understanding, Support and Space. I guess I gave him too much understanding, support and space.

I was supposed to be able to read his mind and see that he was purposely sabotaging our marriage and kick him to the curb.

He finally found employment, that took him out of town for three weeks and home for one. It was hell. yay money....but this is not what I signed up for. If I wanted to be a single mother I would have stayed unmarried.

He came home for Easter weekend and I finally noticed that something was off....way off. He was angry, he barely spoke to me or looked at me. When he left to go back to work, he left without saying good-bye. I gave him a day or two and emailed him and invited him to talk about what was bothering him.

That's when he told me he was done. He wasn't happy and he wanted out. I could not believe it. I have never experienced such pain in my whole life. How could he be done? I didn't even know there was something to be worried about. I would have fought if I had known.

I begged and pleaded to talk and work it out. He gave me the list.... you know it's your fault list. This hurt and angered me and I was so desperate to just get him to talk to me and work on things. I can do better, please!!!!!!!!!!

When he was coming home again, he decided that he wasn't going to stay at our home but at a coworkers that lived in the next town.

My husband had a lot of valid issues about our marriage and his feelings and our family. I will not deny that. I needed to work on some issues.

But after the initial shock wore off, I kept thinking there is more. What am I missing? My woman intuition was going full speed ahead. He did something he knew I would never forgive.

He is having an affair! Or at least did.

I can't express the pain that caused and still causes to this day.

I convinced him to come home and just talk to me. It was a good talk. A lot of tears were shed and we just let it all out. His issues, my issues.....then I just asked if there was anything else he would like to share. He clammed up and said sorry, gave me a hug and walked out the door. There was my answer.

He didn't want to talk about it and he still won't to this day. I wrote him an email and told him that I had a lot of time to think and cry and I really examined how I was feeling. Bottom line is I was not ready to quit on our marriage. I felt that I deserved a chance to change and make things better. I could forgive him.

I meant it too. I agonized for weeks on whether or not I could truly forgive him. I believed that I could accept it and move on.

He called and came back the next day. It was hard at first, awkward. I tried so hard to be everything he said I wasn't. He said he wanted a partner in life to do things together that he enjoyed like hunting and fishing. We started going fishing and camping together. This past fall, I took a night course to get my gun license and hunting license.

I was a better at keeping house. I was bonding with his youngest daughter, being affectionate with her. But still something was broken.

I was the only one changing. We used to have sex, even in the period he said he was unhappy. But now, he can barely hold my hand. I have to guilt him into sex and that after waiting a month.

We still don't communicate. I want to so badly. I don't want to get blindsided like that again. But at the same time, it's like I'm just waiting.....waiting for him to say he's not happy and walk out again.

I want to know how I can start the communications so that he will tell me what he is feeling. But I am paralyzed with fear, that he is unhappy and he's just waiting for me to open the door so he can walk out.

Why am I so afraid of him leaving? Isn't it better just to know than to live in fear and doubt.

I am unhappy and why isn't that important enough to me, to do something about it.

I know he loves me, but I just don't think it is enough anymore. I want him to be in love with me and to want me.

We tried family counselling before marriage because my daughter had a lot of behavioural issues and my husband was not very cooperative with the process and I don't think counselling is an option.

Anyway, there is a lot more going on that have impacts and there is no easy answer but this is the gist of it. Bottom line, we don't talk and that is a ticking time bomb. All our other problems are secondary and can be solved with talking.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share and I look forward to participating on the forums.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,565 Posts
I he has three children from three previous relationships.
...
He is having an affair! Or at least did.
...
I was the only one changing.
...
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share and I look forward to participating on the forums.
Hi there and welcome. I'm new myself.

I see a pattern in his behavior and I don't think it's a good idea for you to work so hard changing yourself to maintain this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
It is almost impossible to clearly outline the last 10 years and I am trying to give an accurate picture. Regarding his three children, it's not always at it appears.

His son was born when he was 17 years old. Chalk that up to stupidity and immaturity. That relationship wasn't destined to last. He was cut out and had to fight for visitation. Mother eventually married and husband adopted. First daughter was in his early 20s and he tried everything to make that relationship work for his daughter. It ended very badly, she married when daughter was 4 and he was military and moved to Alberta where she's been ever since. Youngest daughter...mother used him as a sperm donor when her ex (father of her first two) wasn't available to make a third child. My husband was cut out of that relationship before the ink on the birth certificate was dry. My husband has a lot of bitterness when it comes to relationships. He's fought for every single one of his children. When I got him, he was a very resentful person and jaded.

I know I am the only making changes and it shouldn't be that way. But, I made changes in my behaviour and lifestyle for a lot of reasons. And only to the ones that needed to be changed. For me. I know I made a lot of mistakes when I took him back. I should have been more detached and set boundaries and gave him a list of things he needed to work on.

I allowed it to be all my fault and I readily took the blame. I was desperate. Sadly, I know that I still am.

Am I afraid of losing him and living without him? or is it simply the fear of living alone?

I don't know. These thoughts torment me.

I love him and I know he loves me, but we are polar opposites.

I guess I just want to hear that it isn't impossible for a turn around and things can get better.

I suppose I'm still buried deep in denial.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
I agree. He sounds like he has checked out. Do the 180 and start planning a new and better life for yourself. As you become the kind of woman he once knew, he'll be more likely to return, but if he's involved with someone else (as it sounds like he is) then you'll still find a path to happiness again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,527 Posts
I know the fear of being alone and having that love for someone. If hes involved with someone else, your best chance is the 180. But do it for yourself, not to get him back. The prospect of being alone can be daunting, but you will be ok.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I don't think that he is involved with anyone. I should have expanded on that part.

He was unhappy, failing getting me to kick his sorry ass out because he sat around the house and did nothing for a year. He got a job. Was feeling better about himself because he was now providing again...but that didn't solve his unhappiness, because he refuses to communicate. He let it stew, and stew and stew.

One night he partied with coworkers and had a one night stand. That's when he told me he was done.

He may have never told me any details, because he feels that what happened doesn't matter...not the how's or whys. It happened because he had already checked out.

But because of that we were finally able to talk about the real issues. The infidelity, as hurtful as it is/was ... is not the issue, it was a means for him to get out. I am not proud that this is the kind of man I married and how he reasons things out. He knew, from previous discussions about commitment and fidelity that was the one unforgivable sin in my book.

I don't want to sound like I am justifying or excusing my husband. Because I know, that's what it looks like. I just want people to understand that every circumstance is unique and there are underlying issues that have cause and affect.

I know he is not involved with anyone else, because I have kept close watch on the signs. I don't spy on him, but I know when he came back he was done with her and was coming back to me.

The only problem is that he never really came back the same husband. I don't know if it is guilt on his part. But we lost something very important in our intimate relationship.

I have to believe if I can just get him to talk, we can work it out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,044 Posts
Based on the history you have provided, it seems to me doubtful just the two of you can work through things to a happy conclusion. For every point others have raised, going from what you have written, you have excuses and reasons why behaviors have been what they are and why things have gone the way they have.

However, in what you have described there seems to be to be a lack of reasonable, mature decision making and healthy communication on both sides. It feels like you rationalize every bad decision from the past that has brought the two of you to this point and continue to believe you can somehow resolve things on your own.

Good luck in that. I think some objective outside advice form a counselor would be helpful but both of you have to come to that decision on your own.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
405 Posts
My exhusband didn't communicate with me at all. I tried to save our marriage, but he was sabotaging it while we were going to counseling. We didn't have much in common interestwise. I know it is hard to let go, but I am so much happier now. Being in a relationship where you are not wanted or appreciated is no way to live. You deserve better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,572 Posts
I have to believe if I can just get him to talk, we can work it out.
I think you are indulging in wishful thinking. I also believe that what you see is what you get. Yes, I realize there are highly individualized issues in every relationship; however, you are doing all the heavy lifting in this case.

Nobody who has ever lived has the power to make anyone do anything they don't want to do. Putting a gun to someone's head might work for the short-term, but people are going to do what they want to do regardless.

It doesn't sound as if counseling worked out for your husband. It also sounds like he doesn't want to learn how to communicate with you effectively.
 
  • Like
Reactions: KathyBatesel

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I want to thank you all for your input, even if it is not what I want to hear. It is appreciated and I do see your points. I've heard them before.

I guess, deep down I don't want to give up until I know we've really tried. Not just me doing all the work.

Even though, essentially I am going to continue on this path, coming here and just expressing some of my thoughts have helped me process.

I came here because I wanted an unbiased feedback and I realize I can't get that until I stop painting my husband in a better light to others. He is an ass. I knew that going in and it isn't likely going to change. But I love him and even though it isn't what is realistic I am going to give it another go and see what happens.

I have been waiting for him to come around and that is never going to happen if I don't first share my hurts and doubts with him. I have to be responsible for my own happiness. And after it is spelled out clearly what my expectations are and nothing changes, well then it's on me to put up or get out.

I'm just not ready to give up...but again thank you for your responses.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
I believe you guys still have a chance, even the odds is against you. Looks like communication is the key factor here, and it takes two persons to tango. While you are doing all you can to change and communicate, he MUST realize that he needs to change his behaviour as well, which seem to me, should not be pointed out by you. He seems to be the kind that bottles up their feelings, he will need outside help to let the feelings out, and which some direction, he might found out that he need to put effort into this marriage as well. Individual consulting might help. With you working so hard alone, it might get him into the mindset that he is correct and righteous all the time, which prevent him from taking a long and hard look at himself.
Bottom line is wether he is willing to work on the marriage or not.
Best luck to you.
Do your best and be ready for the worst(even though I do not think getting out of the marriage that does not work is worst).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,235 Posts
Awwwwww.... he may never communicate in a helpful or growing kind of way.

Figure out a plan in your head. That's what I did, and that is what the marriage counselor that I went to (without the butthead) told me to do. She said... figure out if you can live this way indefinitely.

She said...It sounds like you think he has all the power, because he won't TALK with you, or figure this out, or HEAR you. But really, now YOU have all the power. Since he refuses to engage, then YOU have the power over your own life and you have to figure out for YOURSELF which way this should go.

(*You see? She made total sense. And it's just as well that he wasn't there, because I was able to think for myself ... outside of the marriage, outside of "what will he think"...)

If you can't live this way, then give yourself a mental time limit. Figure out your Plan B.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
I agree. He sounds like he has checked out. Do the 180 and start planning a new and better life for yourself. As you become the kind of woman he once knew, he'll be more likely to return, but if he's involved with someone else (as it sounds like he is) then you'll still find a path to happiness again.
Awwwwww.... he may never communicate in a helpful or growing kind of way.

Figure out a plan in your head. That's what I did, and that is what the marriage counselor that I went to (without the butthead) told me to do. She said... figure out if you can live this way indefinitely.

She said...It sounds like you think he has all the power, because he won't TALK with you, or figure this out, or HEAR you. But really, now YOU have all the power. Since he refuses to engage, then YOU have the power over your own life and you have to figure out for YOURSELF which way this should go.

(*You see? She made total sense. And it's just as well that he wasn't there, because I was able to think for myself ... outside of the marriage, outside of "what will he think"...)

If you can't live this way, then give yourself a mental time limit. Figure out your Plan B.
Totally agree, do your best, but always prepare for the worst.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
Awwwwww.... he may never communicate in a helpful or growing kind of way.

Figure out a plan in your head. That's what I did, and that is what the marriage counselor that I went to (without the butthead) told me to do. She said... figure out if you can live this way indefinitely.

She said...It sounds like you think he has all the power, because he won't TALK with you, or figure this out, or HEAR you. But really, now YOU have all the power. Since he refuses to engage, then YOU have the power over your own life and you have to figure out for YOURSELF which way this should go.

(*You see? She made total sense. And it's just as well that he wasn't there, because I was able to think for myself ... outside of the marriage, outside of "what will he think"...)

If you can't live this way, then give yourself a mental time limit. Figure out your Plan B.

This is so true!

We cannot "not communicate." Our silence is a communication. Use your behavior and stop trying to use words if it's like shouting at a person who has no ears.
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top