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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and married 9. We have 2 children together and 2 children I had from a previous marriage and we lost our daughter in 2005. My husband and I have had a good marriage up till about this last August.

His job has put him through some changes, in who he is and how he looks at things and we have had some problems for about 6 months.

The first major problem is that when we married we were okay to spend our time together and really were not into alot of socializing but now he is. In August he told me his friend,who is female lived where we live and her husband and son live here,also so we were introduced. We went out as couples and things were pretty good for a bit. As a bit of time passed I felt that they she was a bit closer than I would like and mentioned it to my husband he said it was not true. Every time we went somehwere she woud go around with him and when I was gone she was here(so were all our kids). In the midst of all of this I started babysitting for them and had their son in my care. She did pull him due to her feeling uncomfortable around me as she had right to be as when I came home one day she was over here,again helping my husband with something. Anyhow...once the child was no longer in my care we did not talk but my husband continued to speak with her and went out with her ,with others a couple of time for lunch but did not let me know. She has been here when I have not and it has just escalated. I have told him how I feel and try to explain that when she is here I feel slapped in the face as he knows it has caused me issues . It has snowballed from there and we have said ****ty things to one another and things have been done. Anyhow it is at the point he is leaving. We went to two counselling sessions and that is all he was willing to comply with and said he was not going to keep going to a bunch of different one's before finding one that worked for us.

He is not willing to bring things to the forefront and his way of dealing with our issues and working on them is just putting up with them instead of bringing them out and working on them

He has an apt for feb 1st.

I have begged and pleaded with him not to go and told him I don't think it is fair to the kids and we have had a good marriage and that there is no reason we cannot work on things. His answer to all of this is he feels regardless I will leave him in 10 years or whatever so that it is not worth making the kids put up with this till then and him be left high and dry.

So....here I sit being told I am loved but he is done we have nothing left and he is leaving.

He tells me he loves me,he tells me he will help out in any way he can ...we are not yelling and screaming and hating one another but yet he is still leaving...I am so confused and broken I don't know what to do

How do I act while he is still here ...do I ignore him do I be nice what the hell do I do
 

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I have begged and pleaded with him not to go and told him I don't think it is fair to the kids and we have had a good marriage and that there is no reason we cannot work on things. His answer to all of this is he feels regardless I will leave him in 10 years or whatever so that it is not worth making the kids put up with this till then and him be left high and dry.

So....here I sit being told I am loved but he is done we have nothing left and he is leaving.

He tells me he loves me,he tells me he will help out in any way he can ...we are not yelling and screaming and hating one another but yet he is still leaving...I am so confused and broken I don't know what to do

How do I act while he is still here ...do I ignore him do I be nice what the hell do I do
You are in a tough spot. I agree with you that having another woman in your house when you are not there is not being considerate of your needs. You do not want to share your husband and I can understand that. You are questioning the trust you have put in him when he does these things and you have a perfect right to. It seems incredibly selfish on his part that he can't see how what he is doing is poisoning your relationship.

I am curious as to why he thought YOU would leave in 10 years or so? Why would he say something like that? Do you think he really believes that? In my situation, my wife is a perfectionist. We had a huge blowup the other night b/c I feel I can never be good enough for her. That's when I feel like leaving. In our case, it turns out that our communication styles are quite different and what we value from each other in our marriage was not being met. Once we could see the needs from the other's point of view, we could start to work on the problems. However, that requires that both parties are willing to listen long enough to hear what those needs are. Just my two cents...but I know I want to give up when I feel that nothing I do will satisfy my wife. I still think he's being selfish of your needs, but is there something to that statement he made about you leaving? I don't mean to imply here that you are doing something wrong; I'm just trying to get into his head a little bit.

I can understand your husband's reluctance regarding marital counseling. My wife and I too have gone to several counselors in the past and it didn't really help us that much. You have to put in a large investment of time and money into seeing them and its hit or miss on finding one that can really help you. There is no substitute for finding information that you can investigate, read together, and then talk about. You may want to suggest that you both read The Five Love Languages together or some other text that you think might help you. Heck, let him pick it out.

From your narrative, it sounds like he is giving up easily. You say things started to change last August, so that's about five months. So you're saying there were no issues with his behavior before this? If that is true, then something is going on with this woman would be my guess and that he's not being honest with you. Either that, or he's incredibly naive to think that you would not be jealous of another woman given the circumstances. If the situation were reversed, and you were showing similar behavior with him, how would he react?

You cannot change someone else; they have to want to. It just seems like something else is going on for him to give up this easily.

I hope things work out for you.
 

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I have to be blunt here, are you that blind to your marriage?

He finally can have a small piece of freedom and be the extrovert he wants to be but you deny him this, yet you see it as himhurting you?

He makes friends with co workers which makes him happy and you have a problem so he should give up his friends to live in a little world controlled by you?

He agrees to councilling yet because they have not discreditted him for you you want to bounce around until you find one that agrees with you. He sees this as self defeating and instead of working on the relationship like he was willing to do, you have thrown this away and blame him?

He doesn't rant and rave and yet you can not understand that he loves you but will not let you crush his free will?

If you really want the marriage to have any chance you need to listen to your husband and understand what is really going on here. You need to think of more then you. This is a partnership of two people. He has needs and wants too. You have yet to compromise for him. He has worked hard to get to this point for years to enjoy this very thing you are taking away from him.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I just wanted to explain a little bit about the socialization

I did not stop him from doing it nor question his want for this in our marriage. When I was asked to go with him I made every effort to go and when I could not I told him to go and enjoy himself.

I did not want to see another counsellor or try tons more . Actually he did not want to see the counsellor as soon as she said that perhaps he was defending this other woman to me he was done.

I have actually compromised everything for him. I am at home with our 4 kids and given up my schooling so he can go to school and work full time. I make meals,clean the house and do childcare full time ,I contribute just as much as he does to the house .

I hope that clarifies things a bit more
 

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Okay lets put a different spin on this. Have you looked at phone and interent records?

Did something happen giving him more free time to do stuff or did he elect to take it?

What caused your fights to say bad things to one another?

What is he doing Feb 1st?

draconis
 

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Hmmm...Draconis definitely has a given a different perspective to this, because when i was reading it i felt something totally different, but i guess that is the good thing about these boards we can all offer different perspectives.

My first reaction is that there is more going on with this woman than he is admitting to. Even if it is not physical (yet) he obviously is choosing to defend that situation rather than put your feelings/his wife and marriage first. I say this because this is exactly how my husbands emotional/and then later physical affair began - i saw ALL the stages happening before my eyes, and because my husband had never given me a reason to doubt him, i trusted him/gave him his freedom and space.

Anyway, please know this may not be the case with your husband/relationship, but i'll just tell you what i saw in case its any help to you. At first this woman at work was "so cool" and "we work so well together" and then it was "you should meet her" "you'd really like her" (ha!) (he even admitted later that if she and i met, he thought he would be less likely to go ahead with it) and then when i questioned the more-than-normal after hours phone calls/emails, he became defensive and then i stopped hearing about it alltogether. He became irritable, defensive, blaming ME for everything even though my life/situation was carrying on as it always had, he was the one that was changing so much right before my very eyes. He seemed to just give up on us and when i tried to work on things, he seemed apathetic. Even after i confirmed the affair, he was back and forth, and it seemed he wanted any excuse/any other fight/reason for us to let go - in hindsight, he admits that he didn't want HIS affair to be the reason that we split, so he tried to put it on that 'our careers were different' 'that we didn't have/want kids yet' ...

Long story short, over many stops and starts - it took me leaving him for him to knock it off with her and "try" for us again. I feel your pain because i felt a great deal of responsibility to 'carry us' and see our marriage through. I felt as if he was temporarily insane, that this woman had infected him and that he didnt know what he was doing. I wanted to save him from the damage he was not only doing to himself but to our relationship, our history and our families. I dont know if this is wrong or right, but i mean when you take vows you vow to go through the thick and thin, even though he was bringing this into our lives. At a certain point, though, you can only do what you can do - and the other person has to want to do it to, you can't make them.

I think you should have one more 'serious talk' or try to go away together for a night/weekend before he moves out and just calmly discuss what went wrong/what you think will happen when he moves out. I know its hard, but i feel that my husband is a lot more receptive when i am calm and full of self respect and compassion (takes all of my will sometimes because i am usually feeling the exact opposite!) and i think we can all reach this point where we forget the good parts of our marriage and our partners and getting away and talking about things can revive those feelings. You have to get inside his head and think that even though YOU are the one who had his kids, keeps the house, does his laundry, he can take that for granted and only hear/see the complaining/struggle where this other woman (BECAUSE she doesnt have to do all those mundane things) flatters him, makes him feel good about himself, excited about life again - lets face it, we all respond to that, some people just take it too far.

I guess, in a nutshell, i think right now you should be trying to talk him off the edge - get him to a place where you can discuss things rationally and over time. Its not going to be figured out in a day, but just try to appeal to him in a way that will make him see everything he's giving up. But if you can't get him to that point, then you have to keep your head up, take care of yourself and your children. Good luck and be strong, as you see on these boards, you aren't the only one going through this and we are here to listen.
 
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