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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Been married for over a year,
Since I got married I just haven't been wanting to have sex anymore nor can my husband turn me on.

I have never really been a fan of sex and I get unconfortable even talking about it, so it's hard for me to talk to my husband.

Before I got married I had no problem having sex or getting turned on.

And I regret ever having sex outside of marriage since I am a Christian and I'm just having issues forgiving my self.. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it...

We have sex every now and then, I mean we have a child together.

But I usually hate it and it's like I'm dreading going to bed because I know my husband will try and I always say no, cause I can't get turned on anymore, I'm to shy to talk about it and I all around hate it!!

Any suggestion or anyone to talk to??


Part of me feels like I need a therapist but I just don't have any money for one...
 

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Do you not get aroused at all? Do you like cuddling with him? Do you like kissing him? Do you like being soothed with a back rub?

What was sex like before you got married?

So wait...You say you're a Christian and you can't forgive yourself for having sex outside of marriage and this is why, now that you're married, that you don't like sex? This just doesn't ring true, cause you liked it well enough before you got married, right?

How old is your baby?

When did your sexual response disappear in terms of baby and in terms of marriage?
 

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I hope you can look around this site enough to read what sexual neglect does to a spouse over time. It's a serious matter - but I can tell its something you want to work on since you found your way here to ask.

Not talking about sex to your exclusive lover (your husband) is a recipe for disaster all the way around. I know that part for a fact as I've had to learn to do it this past year and I've been married 18 years.

Ignoring and hiding from this issue is going to result in two very unhappy partners. You by feeling trapped in this situation and your husband being slowly eroded due to chronic rejection and sexual starvation.

I'm no longer religious myself - but isn't the whole point of Christianity that your sins are forgiven?
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I love to cuddle, it's my favorite thing to do and I like kissing not as much as I use to, I use to be a total make out *****.

(Remember Christian make mistakes too, they aren't perfect and all sins are equal)

Sex before marriage... Was something I never really liked and I made mistakes that I keep trying to forget and I kept saying " well once I'm married I'm sure I'll like sex then, right." But I guess that's not the case, it just got worse...

My longest relationship before marriage was 8 months and before that was 3 months, I got bored easily, rather sex was in the relationship or not. I feel like i may be bored or I just can't forgive myself, or I don't even know.


Once I start thinking about it I just get really sad and confused.


My baby is 8 months. And I started feeling like this before I got pregnant. I'm pretty sure it was when we got married.
 

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You say when you do have sex you usually hate it - can you elaborate on what about it makes you feel this way?

I would also like to know how old your child is. My hormones were so messed up when my children were infants. I thought I'd never have sex again in my life and be fine. I can't say my sex drive came back until I stopped breastfeeding.

I do think this response is somewhat evolutionary to protect a woman from subsequent pregnancy while she was still recovering from the last one.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I know I need to talk to him and I try, I really do. It's just hard getting it out of my mouth.

And yes forgiving is part of Christianity , .. I've been struggling with that to on the same issues the past few years. I tell myself I have forgiven myself but then when the matter comes back I really haven't.

It seems as if I can forgive myself for everything except this! I made a promise and broke it a long time ago and haven't gotten over it, maybe that's my problem and I don't know how to get over it...
 

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Discussion Starter #7
The feeling I hate is more towards Leading up to intercourse...




Before I use to hate it because I was doing what I know I shouldn't have been doing .

Now I hate it because nothing turns me on,and it's so boring, doesn't feel right for somereason. I just want to turn over and go to sleep,
 

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Have you explored what turns you on? Would you be open to reading about male and female sexuality? Learning about yourself is a starting point.

I was brought up in a strict Catholic home and got many negative messages about sex. I also had a premarital experience that I felt very guilty about. I don't know how I would have acquired a mature sense of my sexuality without my loving husband.

Lean about yourself and then ask your husband to work with you. It took time for me but I progressed and still am. Prayer works too. He did not give men and women a sexual nature to make us miserable.

Make it a joint project that you team up and work on. Don't go it alone. Let you best buddy, your husband, help. :)
 
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I was also raised in a strict religious environment where you were expected to train your mind to not think about sex. The feeling of arousal was one to avoid at all costs. Never to be dwelt on or explored until after marriage. Even then (in the time I was raised anyway) a ban on oral sex in marriage as well as a lifetime ban on self exploration, before and after marriage alike.

I'm only bringing this up because I can understand how guilt can masquerade itself when it comes to sex. Perhaps you just plain didn't care for it before marriage but you were unsure if the guilt was causing your feelings. Then after you got married the feelings didn't go away.

Perhaps you really just don't like sex or perhaps it is that you are simply not attracted to your husband. Do your feelings lead you to consider divorcing him over this matter?
 

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I sympathize tremendously with your husband - I am in his position but 6 years in the future. My relationship has basically the same circumstances as yours: my wife and I used to fool around like mad before we got married and she initiated quite a bit, then after we got married our sex life took a nose dive. I'm Catholic, she's Orthodox Christian, neither of us are particularly religious and I don't really think that what happens in the bedroom is anyone's business, including God's.

Are you on a hormonal birth control - these can and do affect libido? You said you have a child, do you feel like your hormone levels returned to normal? How old is your child - are you exhausted? Does your husband do stuff to help you around the house? These are questions you need to answer - not to any of us here on TAM but to yourself and your husband.

If you really want your marriage to work, YOU need to start fixing it ASAP. Sex is important to men - it's how we show and feel love. The more you withhold from your husband, the more he will feel rejected and as though you do not care for him - no amount of trying to verbally convince him otherwise will work. We are creatures of actions, words are meaningless if there is no actionable follow-through.

This isn't something to be taken lightly - you need to talk to him about this yesterday (yes, YESTERDAY). Sex is probably one of the three most important things in a marriage along with communication and trust. Without it you will become roommates, if you haven't already.

I cannot emphasize enough how important this is for you to realize if you want to fix your marriage. My marriage is ending because my wife did not want to have sex with me. Whenever I'd bring it up she would say "no," "not tonight," or "are you kidding?" On the few occasions that she did say things would get better, they never did. As a result I am moving on with my life, it's too short for me not to be happy and for me not to be with someone who desires intimacy with me on every level.

Make no mistake about this - it could end your marriage if you don't change. Your husband will begin to resent you the more you reject him, if he hasn't begun to already. For your sake, I sincerely hope you choose a different path than my STBXW did.
 

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Been married for over a year,
Since I got married I just haven't been wanting to have sex anymore nor can my husband turn me on.

I have never really been a fan of sex and I get unconfortable even talking about it, so it's hard for me to talk to my husband.

Before I got married I had no problem having sex or getting turned on.


And I regret ever having sex outside of marriage since I am a Christian and I'm just having issues forgiving my self.. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it...

We have sex every now and then, I mean we have a child together.

But I usually hate it and it's like I'm dreading going to bed because I know my husband will try and I always say no, cause I can't get turned on anymore, I'm to shy to talk about it and I all around hate it!!

Any suggestion or anyone to talk to??


Part of me feels like I need a therapist but I just don't have any money for one...
I love to cuddle, it's my favorite thing to do and I like kissing not as much as I use to, I use to be a total make out *****.

(Remember Christian make mistakes too, they aren't perfect and all sins are equal)

Sex before marriage... Was something I never really liked and I made mistakes that I keep trying to forget and I kept saying " well once I'm married I'm sure I'll like sex then, right." But I guess that's not the case, it just got worse...

My longest relationship before marriage was 8 months and before that was 3 months, I got bored easily, rather sex was in the relationship or not. I feel like i may be bored or I just can't forgive myself, or I don't even know.


Once I start thinking about it I just get really sad and confused.


My baby is 8 months. And I started feeling like this before I got pregnant. I'm pretty sure it was when we got married.
So which is it?
 

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as a devout Christian, I am sure that you want your marriage to be successful. A cursory reading of this forum proves that if you do not have a good sex life, your marriage will have a lot of problems...may even fail. So you have a dilemma. Do you work on the sexual part of the marriage so that you are a good wife fulfilling her wifely duties? Or do you act in a way that hastens a divorce, and all the bad that that entails?

Talk with your priest or minister. Seek solace in the bible, and that women have been performing their wifely duties for their husbands since time began.

It is not enough to go thru the motions. your husband has to know that he turns you on, that you find him really attractive in a sexual way. Otherwise he will be very depressed and not know how to proceed.

Good luck dear, it is a difficult thing for you obviously, but God wants you to succeed.
 

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Come back Bril. Understand that some men in relationships with wives who deny them will post. Try to understand it. You may get some insight into what your husband feels. You will also get help from posters who have not experienced denial and can be sympathetic.

If you didn't care, you would not have bothered to post.
 

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Been married for over a year,
Since I got married I just haven't been wanting to have sex anymore nor can my husband turn me on.

I have never really been a fan of sex and I get unconfortable even talking about it, so it's hard for me to talk to my husband.

Before I got married I had no problem having sex or getting turned on.

And I regret ever having sex outside of marriage since I am a Christian and I'm just having issues forgiving my self.. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it...

We have sex every now and then, I mean we have a child together.

But I usually hate it and it's like I'm dreading going to bed because I know my husband will try and I always say no, cause I can't get turned on anymore, I'm to shy to talk about it and I all around hate it!!

Any suggestion or anyone to talk to??


Part of me feels like I need a therapist but I just don't have any money for one...

You're married for over a year and have a child.

You don't desire sex anymore.

Could be due to having the child, changing your hormones. Go see a Dr. and find out if your hormones have changed. That could of killed your sex drive.

Now you've never really been a fan of sex. Low sex drive LD?

Take the 5 love languages quiz and see what your results are. Show them to your hubby.
Home | The 5 Love Languages®

After you got married, your desire for sex seems to be gone. Could be that the chase and romancing is over? Settled in?

I too am a God fearing Christian man but that has nothing to do with my high sex drive. I had a high sex drive before I met my wifee to be, and afterwards.

Instead of dreading having sex with your hubby, why not trying something different? Give him an oiled breast job, or oiled hand or foot jobs. Doesn't have to be vaginal. Even try anal if your wanting to change things up.

Do you have toys? Buy some and find out what rings your bell and gives you orgasms. Then do that with hubby.

By yourself, view some adult material and find out what turns you on. Do that with hubby.
 

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Hi there ~ I see you've gotten a lot of good advice already, but I figured one more reply wouldn't hurt. :) I'm really glad you're addressing this -- it's a good idea to get to the root of the issue so that you and your husband can enjoy a strong and healthy foundation for your marriage. I am aware of a website I think you'll find very helpful. It's geared toward Christian women that are experiencing issues in their sexual relationship with their husbands: Welcome to Authentic Intimacy | Authentic Intimacy Focus on the Family has some good info too: Sex and Intimacy - Focus on the Family

I do hope this helps!! God bless you and your family.
 

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Your husband was created by God to be a sexual being. So were you. Your husband's desire for you is exactly what God intended. It is His plan to perpetuate the miracle of creation and to let you and your husband participate in it. A healthy sex life is critical to keeping marriages and families together. Obviously, it's God's plan that marriages and families stay together. Turning God's precious gift into something ugly or into a chore is the work of the enemy and withholding yourself from your husband wouldn't honor God. It will result in unhappiness, constant strife, loneliness, probably divorce, broken home, maybe adultery. None of those are God's objectives.
 

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Be careful about infusing your 'pre-marital' sex guilt into this current issue.

It's very clear that you don't feel any desire for your husband and that fact alone will make it very easy to add 'any and all' OTHER THINGS that seem to fit into this big, black "I hate sex" pot.

I think it will be completely counter-productive.

And you should know, that are hardly alone in facing this desire problem.

It's a very common problem and especially common after pregnancy.

And you can be your own therapist for this problem. You can help yourself.

If you want to...

You have to WANT to

Is your husband a 'good'-man? A good father? A good husband?

FEEL your answers to these questions...

If you don't FEEL anything...any feelings of affection, or if you feel that the answer is 'no'....then nothing else I'll write will matter.

If you do feel love and affection though...when you reflect upon him as a person...

Then USE that. Use those feelings

Pray with that.

And ask God what you should do.

Some more thoughts---

I don't think you will find happiness in your marriage by focusing on what YOU want and do not want to do.

Our greatest happiness is most often found when we stop worrying about our own happiness and the securing of it and instead focus on the happiness of those around us.

If you went happily and willingly bed tonight and refused to dread it...simply because you know that your husband would absolutely LOVE it...and just for tonight, you decided to let his wants be your sole wants and concerns.

If you could genuinely let his only happiness be your only happiness too...just for the night...I have a very strong feeling neither of you would feel miserable tomorrow.


That is not an easy thing to do. It's a very hard thing for us to do actually.

But we are never closer to God, and the notion of Divine and Perfect Love than in those moments wherein we actually manage this...

Our own perpetual self-fixation is the source of our greatest unhappiness.

Sadly, we very rarely realize this. Which is very strange because secretly, I'm pretty sure that deep down we all always know this, and have always known this--- all along
 

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If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were my wife who started this thread. But I know of better. Don't think she can be bothered
to even open an Internet browser to search for a solution. Plus we're married almost 9 years.
I'm going to try and add my 2 cents worth of advice.

Don't for a second think that your husband is oblivious to the fact that you see sex and intimacy as a simple chore. I know that he has already tried speaking with you about this and you'll always turn him away and have probably uttered the words "is sex ALL you ever think of?"
Your husband's resentment is growing faster by the day. Each time you reject him with some lame excuse; each time you pretend to be asleep when he goes to bed at night; each time you turn your back as soon as he lays down next to you; each time you guys go to church and you ignore the teaching coz it's speaking of intimacy and sex in a marriage; every time you try and pretend that everything is ok in front of other people; every morning when you make and bring him his cup of coffee in the hopes that the cup of coffee will show him just how much you love him; every time you text him and call him "babe" - mostly out of guilt for the lack of intimacy and sex in your marriage...
I could go on forever but I'm certain many of what I've mentioned is already happening in your marriage. Your husband is hurting. A lot. He feels unloved. Alone. His mind races daily and all he can think of is how he can't even make love to his wife. He fears going home after work. Even the pretense in front of each other is making him sick.
He has no idea maybe that you're also going through hell trying to figure this mess out. He won't know. Coz you haven't spoken with him.
Stop this thing dead in it's tracks before your husband cheats on you. Sit him down as soon as you read my reply and cry out to him that you know your marriage needs help. Tell him how sorry you are. Tell him that you're gna need his support to get to the other side. Tell him that these aren't just lip services again. Make him believe that you're serious about this. And be serious about it. Speak to him. EVERY DAY SPEAK TO HIM ABOUT THIS. Tell him what you're feeling. Show him how you're feeling. Reassure him of your undying love for him. Promise him that things will get better. Mean it. Work at this thing 24/7 for as long as it takes.
You don't have money for a therapist? Speak to a couple in your church. An older couple who still seem in love with each other. Pastor and his wife maybe? As long as you're prepared to go, your husband will go along with you.

It's getting late here where I am, so I'll sign off for now. But not before I say it again.
SPEAK WITH YOUR HUSBAND TODAY STILL.
The fact that you found TAM instead of burying your head in the sand speaks so much volume, just don't lose that momentum you've got going now.

I'd like to hear back from you.
Best of luck and God Bless.
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