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never saw this coming

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labor day weekend started the whole train wreck....i stumbled onto some texts and discovered an affair........she confessed to it and said it had been roughly a year or so.....prior to this discovery we had a lengthy fight and she spilled her guts to me about how upset she was with me and some of my shortcomings.....when i heard these words i made a monumental effort to change myself and become a better person fer myself her and our kids......she told me she had essentially checked out and was wanting a divorce......i Promised to change my ways and HAVE and she has noticed and is happy with it........however Ive caught her 3 other times texting and talking to him and caught them hooking up......she has ASSURED me she has stopped contact to see if the marriage can be repaired......we have both begun counciling but not sure for her motives....if it s a marriage fix or a personal flaw seems i get such conflicting messages from minute all loving caring and the next cold and distant......its very hard......Ive lost 30 pounds since that day i found out.........i want to trust her......actually i want to hate her for what shes done...but i cant.....I am so in love with her....we have a history....18 years......i work for her family...we live in a small town.....she says she loves me but not in love with me.....and that tears me up.......the fact that Im still here gives me hope that I can win her heart back......ive promised her a way differnet future that the one we were looking at before all this......I feel like i have no do i do it? How do i get the mental images of this guy on my do i not get frustrated when i see her erase texts and messages right away after recieving them.....i want to trust her...i have to trust her.......Ive been told to man up about it and move on.....but its not ever that easy is it? My pastor and my councilor both say time and trust are whats needed......this is a very hard pill to swallow......all im looking for is a sliver of hope now....some sign that she is dedicating herself to our family and is ready to work on it......yet she cant........she says she has confusing feeling about the other man yet and says now its not about him and her its about her finding herself.....Im along for the ride now....Ive told her i forgive her even though she has never asked me to......I tell her I love her and she replies I know...and im praying to God that she lets me back in her heart so i can be the man i know i can be for her and our kids......when did marriages become disposable items.........Till death do us part......richer poorer good times and bad........i dont understand
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SM, sorry for the position you find yourself in. Your perspective could use some realignment. I'm not one to give that advice, my marriage ended in divorce and it seems that you want to reconcile. I wish you well with that journey.

FWIW, you are not alone in your situation. Others, myself included, have borne the sting of this betrayal.

All the best
I am sorry you are here. The experts will be here to help soon...they WILL BE HARSH...because they have done this before...please take the advice they give you...
I understand, your wife just like mine, wants to string us along, she is still contacting her boyfriend, not knowing if or when he will commit to her.


I love my wife also but I will be dambed if I'm going to be her plan B. I guess I love my self do much more to sit by like you have.

I do however respect you (more then your wife by the way) for your commitment to marriage.

I have a feeling your trying to nice your way out of this mess. It doesn't work. I got my wife back by letting her go. Strange how pushing my wife away brough her closer to me, but it worked.

I have to believe chicks dig confident men, and once you show how confident you are in letting them go, they finaly realize what they are about to lose if they continue to sit on the fence.

I'm all pro marriage, but no way in hell am I going to share my wife...especially if she throws it in my face like yours is doing. Maybe thats the self respect I have for my self. Maybe my ego is to big, but I got my wife back!

Again I commend you on your willingness to forgive, I just don't think you are getting anything for it. Maybe the tough love approach will get your wife back, maybe it won't and then at least you can move on and get the hell out of this torturous limbo this women is putting your thru.
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I know what you are feeling. Betrayed here as well.

First thing is first:
You don't know what you want.

Do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life with your wife? Take some time to answer that question. Don't answer it now, because that answer will change in 1 hour.

I want you to think on it long and hard. And also, try to gage where you fall most of the time. Are you more "I want to leave this lying cheater," than "I want to fix this broken marriage."
Because whichever one you think about more often, is the one you should go after.

As for counseling, start marriage counseling, get her into individual counseling, all sorts of it.

And also, I think you just want to rug sweep this affair. That is where you just kinda put a lit on it, don't explore it, and kiss and make up. BAD IDEA
You need to blow this thing up. You need to talk about it.
And here is a little advice: believe half of what you hear, and verify everything you see. Because your wife is probably lying through her teeth to you.

And I want you to know something: you shouldn't be having to fight to get back into her heart. It should be the other way around. She is the one that broke your heart. So she should be the one fighting to fix it.
If she isn't, we got several problems: She is an opportunistic cheater, meaning she'll cheat again, or she is still in an affair, and having to choose between you and your affair partner.

Honestly, I would suggest you file for divorce. I know you want to reconcile, but there is a reason for this.
She realize what she stands to lose. She'll understand she can lose you if SHE, not you, SHE doesn't make the effort to help you heal. You are doing the work she should be doing.
And if filing doesn't make her realize this, then you want to divorce her. Because to reconcile with a spouse that shows no remorse is only saying "Go out and cheat on me again! I'll take you back!"
And you don't have to divorce if you file. But hopefully filing will get her to start thinking more about YOU and less about her.
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K first, this isn't your fault, got it.

second, you don't really forgive until you are ready to forgive, its for you, not her.

third, trust has to be earned, not demanded. Total and complete transparency on her part. She doesn't get to erase her ****, only you do. You wanna see the phone, she hands it over, no questions asked.

Fourth, she isn't giving you the phone, and she is confused about her feelings because the POSOM is still in the picture. You demand NO CONTACT, ever, for any reason. She writes a nc letter, you review it and send it. Then you follow up to make sure she abides by it.

Expose the affair far and wide in your little town. To family friends, and above all else, to the other man's significant other, if he has one. You have nothing to be ashamed about, and letting others know helps destroy the fantasy world that the affair exists in. **** gets real, very fast.

Be prepared to divorce if your wife stays stupid. If she had no consequences, she has no respect, no respect means no marriage.

Your marriage can recover, she can regain the love for you, you can reconnect as partners, but it is not easy. If you want to give your marriage a chance, you need to get tough. You might think this will only push her away, but it's too late already, she is away already. You need to be prepared to kill the marriage to have any hope of having anything worth saving.

Sorry you're here. Stick around, read, ask questions, get some backbone, and act in your own best interest.
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TIME and TRUST????
Oh please, thats the same as saying Gee, you got a big problem" Absolutely no help.

Dont listen to these idiots.

Check the newbie links. You can't nice her out of this. In fact she sounds waaaay gone. You need to clear your head. Stop chasing, begging, pleading.

Shes texting her affair partner (AP) your weak attempts while he has a good laugh and plan their next meeting.

Yes im being harsh on purpose. Trying to shake you out of the dream world you want to live in and into the real world where you have an unfaithful wife.

You MIGHT be able to draw her back in but NOT the way you're going about it. Do you even want her back?
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Are they still meeting?

Have you outed the affair to her family and her OM's wife?

Subsequent advice depends on the above answers.

How often do you get hit on by women? Be honest and yes, it does matter.
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Expose the affair far and wide in your little town. To family friends, and above all else, to the other man's significant other, if he has one. You have nothing to be ashamed about, and letting others know helps destroy the fantasy world that the affair exists in. **** gets real, very fast.
Exposure is the best way to make this affair inconvienent and uncomfortable.

It prevents the wayward from cake eating and really pisses them off now that they have lost control.

Especially if the AP is married, that always put a damber on the affair.
Are they still meeting?

Have you outed the affair to her family and her OM's wife?

Subsequent advice depends on the above answers.

How often do you get hit on by women? Be honest and yes, it does matter.
Expose to omw or gf and file you can stop it if you have to.
My pastor and my councilor both say time and trust are whats needed.......i work for her family.
Preventive drug therapy is what was needed for the "black death" during the 14th century, but that wasn't available either. I know women S.M and unfortunately I'm afraid your history. You may as well saddle up and ride into the sunset. Plan on a new career while you're at it.
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My pastor and my councilor both say time and trust are whats needed......this is a very hard pill to swallow
Hell ya, trust is earned and your chick has not earned one pit of trust and thats why its a hard pill to don't.

Your counselor and pastor are good folks, but until they have the experience of dealing with a waywrds spouse they are clueless.

I suggest you find a counsilor that specializes in infidelity and PTS. God blesss your pastor and his spirtual guidence, and thats exactly what you need from him ...spirtual guidence. As far as infidelity thats a deal all by its self.
Tell her that she gives you her passwords and lets you see all phone messages or you don't want to try to reconcile.

Get tough about honesty and transparency.

She cheated, where is her remorse? The fact that you weren't the perfect husband does not give her ANY excuse to lie down with another man.

If she wasn't happy, she should have left.
As long as OM is in the picture you have zero chances.
By the way, what about your self respect? What about it?
one minute all loving caring and the next cold and distant
It depends on then amount of drug (OM ) she's getting. Loving means OM was aviable she's full of him. Sorry man to be blunt, lying to you is the last thing you need now.
how do i not get frustrated when i see her erase texts and messages right away after recieving them
Unaceptable. She's flaunting OM in front of you. No shame at all.
she says she has confusing feeling about the other man yet and says now its not about him and her its about her finding herself
Foggie speak to make you allow her to keept eating her cake, to string you along while she get her ride. She wants you confussed, paralized, passive.

Man it lawyer time, to find your rights, to find out the potential outomces, to protect yourself financially. You are working for ILs and blood is always thicker than water. They will always protect her. You need to protect your self and think mid/long term. Talk to a lawyer yesterday.
Then read and familiarize youself with the 180, please, you can't love her out of the affiar. She's on drugs, you are now barely noticeable. You need to detach from her, instead of ofering her cake. You are enabling the entitlement. Now she's full of herself.

Gave the the rules:
a) She has to send a NC text to OM.
She has to provide full transparence, pins, passwords, she's acountable of her whereabouts. She won't delete any text.
She provice a full disclosure of the affair to your satisfaction.
She agree to a STD test.
b) She refuses the above, try to buy time, etc. Then you file and go completely dark on her.

There's no c) option. Option c is status quo = sharing our wife.

A question friend, what's worse, divorcing your wife or sharing her?

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
The 180 degree rules
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The affair is still active, and even if she's not sleeping with him, he's still in her life and mind daily.

Before you have any chance at all he's got to go.

Exposure is the best way to do that - especially to his wife or gf and his parents. Let him be known as the kind of scum who cheats with another man's wife.

Do they work together - expose at his work.

then expose to friends and family. make it humiliating for her and him to continue their relationship.

only when the affair is over can you begin to rebuild the marriage.
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I exposed the affair the moment I found out..I called his fiance....they are working on rebuilding as well....I hear what you all have to say....i really do.....I have a MOTHERLOAD of thinking to do i guess.....i have no options to move out except for my truck......I guess that will have to for a job small towns arent exactly thriving for opportunity......she swears over and over there is no more contact and no they dont work together...she does daycare in our home and he has his own business as well....the only opportunity to really see each other now is passing on the road.....whats even better is hes a subcontractor on a job we just started so i get to see him weekly...yesterday i wanted to bury my claw hammer in his back........I love her and she doesnt love me...why am i not leaving?
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You caught them hooking after she promised to end the affair ? How dare she do this to you ? Did you tell his wife about it ?

Who is the OM? Expose him at work.

Did you tell your wife's family ?

Next time she texts with him and deletes it, throw her cell out of the house. She is cuckolding you in your own house.

You think you are still in love with her. No, you are in love in the image you created of her. You are in love with what she represented herself to be. That woman is not your wife... She is gone and replaced by this cheater. She is different person now.

Divorce is an option. Don't ignore it. You are dying bit by bit everyday if she stay with this remorseless cheater.

Start doing the 180. You need this for your emotional wellbeing
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Op, I hate to pick nits but you might want to lose the ellipses (the dot dot dots) at the end of your sentences. They make it really hard to read and concentrate on what you're writing. :)
Okay, so this is what I heard.

I love my wife very much but she doesn't love me much.
She committed the ultimate betrayal to a marriage (a commitment and contract) and complained about all these things with me.

So to solve this, I started bettering myself in all the ways she complained about in order to win her back.


Don't get me wrong, I'm not so idealistic in my thoughts as to say that a cheater (a one time, driven away etc) can have some issues with the marriage, but the moment they commit adultery, THEY become the primary issue in the marriage.

Look at it like a car. The marriage may have high miles on it, the seats might have tears in them etc. You may have to redo the upholstery, put on new tires, redo the brakes, but as long as the motor runs, you can keep the old car running well with proper maintenance. Instead of looking at a few things to work on, she poured sugar into the gas tank.
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It most be hard not to throw a block of wood off the building as this POS walks by? Maybe a sheet of plywood, they slide off the roof all the time..after all accident happen all the time on job sites.
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