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Discussion Starter #1
I've been dealing with too many talks w/my husband and I was recently told that I need to take action in order for him to realize, that I am tired of this roller coaster. Maybe this would help him realize that I am a good wife to hold on to. Before it's too late!

We've been having issues on his lack of affection and attention towards me. I feel like he shuts me out. When we talk about the problem, I feel like in his head, he's saying, "Here we go again"! Just by his body language and his words, "What do you want me to do, it's just not me"! I love him very much, but I feel like I just can't have these discussion w/him anymore and this has been going on for the past 2 yrs. We have 3 kids, 17, 13 & 3 and a grandson. I see him talk to them and laugh, but sometimes I get shorthanded, when it comes to me. All this has just built up w/anger and I know it's not good to react on anger, this is why a friend told me about this site.

He recently started working nights and I work days, so we don't see each other during the week, until the weekends. You would think this would work, but it doesn't. He just shuts me out, even more and I get more angry that I just ignore him. It just hurts me that he doesn't realize that I need a husband, my friend and my lover. Since, he's neglected me, I feel like why should I always try to make the effort to make it better, when in a wk or two, it'll be the same thing. I can't even remember the last time we told each other we love each other.

I don't want anymore talks w/him, I just want him to realize that this marriage is hanging on a thread, just because he's not giving enough attention, as a husband.

I need an action that will give him a good wake up call. This would be my last resort to make things work :confused:
 

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He would not like to discuss issues you feel are facing your marriage? How long has this been going on for? Do all of the kids including the grandchild live at home?

How are finances, sex life, etc. ?
 

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He would talk about the issues and what was going on in our relationship, but it's been an on going issue. He just doesn't know how to be attentive to me and I'm not talking about sexually. It's more remembering that I'm his wife and not just someone who takes care of his home and kids. For about 2 yrs now. Yes, all kids and grandson live at home.

Finances are better now that he is working nights. We honestly haven't had time for each other. Communication I feel is the key to a relationship and that hasn't been going well.
 

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Working opposite shifts puts a strain on any relationship. Part of intimacy is spending time together and if you only get 2 days a week, it's not enough. Other priorities get in the way. The kids demand most of it, but you can't forget the reasons you came together to begin with.

Instead of trying to talk, have you tried other ways to get through? A letter or note maybe? Scheduling a few date nights for just the two of you?

I know how frustrating it is to feel as though you are doing all the work, but you both are being stubborn in a sense. Stonewalling each other... he's probably thinking nothing he does will satisfy you, and you are thinking he's not going to hear you anyway so why try? Both of you have given up in a sense.
 

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I agree with bit much. I think the way to talk to men can be key. When we women express our emotions men usually internalize it into "im not good enough" or "nothing i do is right" etc. You have to try and schedule a date night at least once a week, and tell him that you miss your best friend, and that you made plans, and would love to spend time with him. If he begins to feel loved and valued, he will become more attentive to you. best of luck, hang in there
 

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Thanks a bit much & ms. beesknees, those are good points. You've giving me some things to really think about and consider. Maybe a date should be good to air out alot of mixed emotions and thoughts. Who knows, maybe it'll help us get back what we once had.
 

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I've seen this quite often on this site. I think the problem is that you're not speaking the same languages, so to speak.

You bring up your concerns, and all he hears is the same ol' thing over and over and over. He feels like you go in circles and disengages. You feel that when he disengages, he's not paying attention to, or ignoring, your needs. It leads to resentment on both sides. He feels like he can't win and you feel like he doesn't care.

I suggest that your "last resort" is that you suggest attending marriage counseling together so that you can re-learn how to speak the same language. Perhaps then he will understand how his reactions make you feel and you will find a more constructive way to discuss your issues.
 

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C123, yes this is true. We do keep coming back to this. He says, I'm here, I provide for you, I'm a good father, yes all this is true, but I do need a husband. I've tried suggestion the counseling and he said, "No, we can work it out on our own". I of course went on my own and it helped me alot. I feel stronger and not weak, but it scares me because it makes me numb about our situation.
 

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Not in your shoes, but I gotta say....
Maybe a date should be good to air out alot of mixed emotions and thoughts. Who knows, maybe it'll help us get back what we once had.
In MY opinion, the POINT of a DATE NIGHT is NOT TO DISCUSS PROBLEMS. It is to TRY to reconnect as friends/lovers. Discussing your problems is THE LAST THING you want to do on a DATE.

Try to schedule 2-3 date nights in the next month. DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR PROBLEMS ON YOUR DATE. Discuss happy, positive things. Try to recapture the fun you had as a young couple BEFORE a lot of reality slapped you in the face. The DATE is supposed to REMOVE YOU from the reality.

If your date nights begin to be successful (that is, you're both enjoying yourselves, you're enjoying each other's company, you're relaxing with each other, you're laughing, you're looking forward to the next date night, etc.) THEN and ONLY THEN would I recommend that you begin to RESPECTFULLY address your problems. And, AGAIN, NOT ON A DATE NIGHT. Maybe you each make one point you'd like to address and you will each come to an agreement on how JOINTLY you will handle this one matter/grievance/issue.

Take it slowly, Rome wasn't built in a day and neither were the problems you guys are having.

Good luck!
 

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I don't want anymore talks w/him, I just want him to realize that this marriage is hanging on a thread, just because he's not giving enough attention, as a husband.

I need an action that will give him a good wake up call. This would be my last resort to make things work :confused:
At this present moment, is he actually fully aware that his marriage is hanging by a thread. If not, I say you gotta tell him NOW!

Take some time to determine what you WILL do (don't bluff) if things don't change and then spell it out to him in no uncertain terms - repeated hints are not working.
 
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