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A long post, bear with me please. In some ways it is a neglected wife's story, in other a sort of emotional affair, advice appreciated.

My husband and I have been married for 26 years. He is 56 and I am 59. We are both semi -retired .We originally met in a running club and for many years we enjoyed taking part in races. This continued until a few years ago when accumulated injuries on both sides put a stop to our running. We looked for other outlets but struggled hard to find a common hobby where our abilities and interests matched so well.

In the end my husband, who has always had a very good singing voice, joined a local choir. I am completely unmusical but have always been interested in history and I joined a couple of local history research groups. It sort of worked, he would come on field trips with me and I would go along to his concerts and support him. However what he really wanted was to sing in a small group, one which gave recitals and entered musical competitions, as he is very competitive. He tried out several different partners but never found one he was compatible with, musically as well as personally, until a couple of years ago. Then a young woman of 28 joined the choir, he admired her voice and approached her about joining the quartet he was putting together . (The others are closer to his age. )

It soon became clear that their voices (his and hers) went together very well, they liked the same kind of music and were very compatible as personalities. They entered a few competitions, were successful and so entered some more, and so it went on. She is also very competitive. So over the last 18 months she has been constantly approaching my husband to perform at another recital or in another competition with her. She assumes he will always say yes and sadly for me, he does. Sometimes I suspect the approach has come from him.The quartet has given way to a duo.

Not long ago I asked my husband to cut back a bit and spare some time for me but I got nowhere really. He said he needed an absorbing interest in life and singing now replaces running. He said he is not about to cut back on their partnership now that they are having success he is really enjoying. I cannot offer any sufficiently appealing alternatives it seems.

She is not single, but in a live in relationship with her fiancé, a nice young man her own age and has been the whole time. He does not sing either and travels a lot for his work. She on the other hand has her own money and time on her hands which must be a factor in all this. It has now reached the point where she and my husband are together 6 days a week , rehearsing or performing, and I am really really fed up.

I have tried to befriend her but she has always resisted. So I suggested I maybe come to more shows, get more involved and he said he did not want me to, it was his interest not mine.My husband says having me around at concerts upsets her because she knows I think they spend too much time together and this makes things tense. He has told me she does not like me much because she “thinks” I am overly controlling of him ie want him to spend time with me! Hello he is my husband after all.

When we do go to concerts to watch them as two couples, her fiance talks to me politely and does not appear to notice her hostility to me. She on the other hand, just ignores both him and me and monopolises my husband to talk about nothing except their performance. I asked her fiancé how he felt about her relationship with my husband and all the time they spent together and he said he was quite comfortable with it. I think he is partly in denial. From things he has said I don’t think he knows how much time they really spend together as he is away such a lot. She does not seem to me to treat him very well. Really as a bit of a doormat. She says she has is not ready to settle down with him yet.

So recently I approached her and asked her to see my point of view, that I wanted to spend more time with my husband. She refused to speak to me but apparently told my husband he was “mother ridden” ie I was trying to control his time. So untrue, but he seems to be so far under her spell he is inclined to believe it. I on the other hand feel she is trying to cut him off from me. He says there is an element of truth in this but it is just because she is very self centred and competitive and wants to perform a lot, and he is her singing partner of choice, so inevitably I am a bit of an obstacle to her ambitions. In spite of all this he finds her an entirely sympathetic and engaging personality. He sees no disloyalty to me in all this.

Finally, in frustration a couple of weeks ago I suggested to him that we split up and then he could sing with her whenever he liked, without me on his back. He said he did not want to split up, he was sorry he was not balancing his life and hobby well but thought I should sympathise more with his having found such a rewarding hobby. He said he would not mind if I found an equally obsessive hobby of my own, as after all this time being married, we did not need to live in each other’s pockets anymore, being more semi -detached suited him fine. He does not want a divorce or separation. He does not even want separate bedrooms.

My husband has always been quite self centred. He has never been a man to discuss feelings and he seems to think that as there is nothing “physical” going on - she has made it clear from the outset she was not interested in him in that way, just as a singing partner - that I have no reason to feel jealous. He does not accept the concept of an emotional affair and says he thinks of her as a favorite niece and I should just find my own interests and accept the situation.

The thing is it does not suit me. While I know rationally there is nothing physical between them, there is clearly a major emotional bond which he does not see as a problem. I do. I feel jealous about all the time they spend together while I am left on my own. I have absolutely no evidence to suggest any sort of physical affair and all the time her fiancé is accommodating and unconcerned, it is hard to get any of them to take my concerns seriously. Just developing a similar interest of my own is not really the answer. I want him to spend more time with me, take more of an interest in me. Suggestions?
 

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So, the short version is:

1. You are feeling neglected by your husband.
2. You requested that he spend less time on this other activity/person.
3. Your husband is unwilling to follow your request.

Have you really made it very clear how unhappy you are? If yes, how unhappy are you? Is this just irritating or is it bad enough that you wish to end things?

Have you sought out a third party to help?
 
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The reason I ask is because you mention divorce but when he's unwilling to change, it became an empty threat essentially. What is your limit and what will you do if he doesn't meet that?
 

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You're describing that your needs and his are not compatible - what are you both doing to fix that? It takes two to repair.

Do you see the texts or does he hide that? It is a bit much but if it's all out in the open, it's not likely an EA.
 

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sounds like an EA to me, maybe one sided though. The constant exchanging of texts screams RED FLAG. Im going to guess that your hubby is very infatuated with this woman, and it's not healthy.

You are not happy and he knows it, yet he continues this relationship. I think it's time you sit him down and give some ultimatums.
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She already hit him with some, they were ignored as empty threats. Make the threat real to him, serve him divorce papers. He is perfectly comfortable, he wants to eat his cake now. You have no chance of finding that common interest if he's ploughing every spare minute into this other relationship. Make it very uncomfortable. make that cake bitter. What have you got to lose at this point?
 

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He is ignoring the needs of his wife for his own desires, and he is allowing a young woman to disrespect you, not only to him but blatantly to your face too. He needs to be on your side, on your team, and he needs to show it.

He is playing a very dangerous game and you need to drag him kicking and screaming out of it. With force. He isn't listening to pleasant.
 

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I think the first thing I would say to you is that a) what you are requesting is not controlling or unreasonable (controlling would be making a DEMAND; requesting shows the respect); and b) the way they are behaving by excluding you and spending so much time together is not appropriate or reasonable. Please read that sentence to yourself every time he or she tries to gaslight you into believing that "what they are doing is okay" and that you are insecure or jealous because you want to spend time with your own spouse.

I think if it were me, I would start with a W-T-F-S kind of conversation with your spouse, and then gradually keep moving toward more and more serious consequences for his choices.

W-T-F-S means "When you...I Think...I Feel...So I'm going to request" This kind of conversation identifies the issue or behavior (When you...), then shares with your spouse both your thoughts and your feelings, because let's face it--guys often are THINKER/logical kinds of folks and us womenz are often FEELINGS/emotional kinds of folks. If we only share our feelings chances are good they won't "get it" but sharing a thought might make a little more sense. Soooo....we cover both in the WTFS ;). Next this kind of conversation offers a solution that would work for you--you directly ask your spouse for what would fix it or "make it okay" with you. Then they have the chance to say they agree and will do it...or to say they disagree and make an offer that would work for them.

In your instance a W-T-F-S might sound like this:
"When you spend 6 nights a week with another woman and exclude me from your life
I Think you don't love me anymore and you care more about her than me.
I Feel lonely because I want to be with you, sad, excluded because you keep me from being with you, and hurt because I love you and want us to be strong.
So I'd like to request that you make it clear to your singing partner that your loyalty lies with me, that you cut your singing activities back to 3 nights a week, and that you add the other 3 nights a week to spending time doing things with me that we both enjoy."


This is an EXAMPLE ONLY---please word it however you want. ;)

Thereafter, if he is unwilling to cut back or to indicate that his loyalties lie with you and not her, I would not nag him or discuss it with him, I would just pack my things and move to another bedroom. When he's mad or whatever, just indicate that you are not okay with anything less than 100% of his affection and loyalty..and when he's willing to give you what is due to a wife, you will at that time consider moving back to the bedroom.

If he continues, I'd set a certain time limit in your head (a month maybe?) and then again, don't nag him. Periodically ask if he's willing to give you 100% of his affection and loyalty yet. If not, after a month, just pack your things and move out. Okay...just luggage not everything you own. Move to your vacation home or to something somewhat more temporary-ish. Again when he's mad or whatever, just indicate that you are not okay with anything less than 100% of his affection and loyalty..and when he's willing to give you what is due to a wife, you will at that time consider moving back .

Again, have a certain time in your head, and since it's a temporary-ish place I'd say a shorter amount of time like a week or two. Do not nag him, don't get into fights....just periodically ask and if he is STILL unwilling and carrying on with this choir lady, it's clearly more than a singing partner. At that point I'd expose it as an affair and probably rent something longer term and file for legal separation to protect yourself from the affair partner trying to get your assets.

It's not controlling. At any point he is free to make the choice to give you 100% of his affection and loyalty. If he chooses to NOT give you what he promised in the wedding vows, then he is making the choice (not being controlled by you) and you are just letting him experience the consequence of what he chose to do.
 

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Wow! This story sounds identical to one posted here a few months ago. A lady posted here about her golf pro husband who was enamored with his female golf buddy was half his age.
It seemed his hobby/golf partner was trumping his family obligations.

My advice is to out her inappropriate behavior. Ask her if she texts other members of the quartet as often as she is texting your husband. Tell her it's intrusive. Start marking your territory and be firm about it. IMO
 

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Good heavens just tell him your filing and will follow through unless he can find an acceptable balance. Honestly at this point I would say that after the way she disrespects you that I would say she needs to move on.

Entirely unacceptable.
 

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He thinks of her as a favorite niece? This is a woman who treats you with disrespect,talks negatively about you and tells him she doesn't like you.....so what does he do instead of telling her to p*ss off?....he tells you basically you're not welcome at their performances because it upsets her.He either cares for her more than he's willing to admit or you simply have an asshat for a husband.If he doesn't turn this around and realize you and your marriage are way more important than any hobby,then I agree with Affaircare in that you should move out temporarily to really focus his attention on the severity of things.Take care.
 

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Just simply the fact that she disrespects you, is openly rude to you and ignores you should be enough reason for him to stand up for you and slap (figuratively) her down.. where is his loyalty??
She sounds horrid!

You have asked he change his habits/behavior... then demanded then given a final demand...what's next!

Personally at this stage... I'd file for divorce...it doesn't mean you will end up divorcing but your husband will sure as hell realize you've had enough...100% enough!

BUT only do this if your REALLY are willing to loose it all... sometimes we have to be willing to loose it all...to get what we really want in life!

Best of luck.
 

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Just simply the fact that she disrespects you, is openly rude to you and ignores you should be enough reason for him to stand up for you and slap (figuratively) her down.. where is his loyalty??She sounds horrid!

You have asked he change his habits/behavior... then demanded then given a final demand...what's next!

Personally at this stage... I'd file for divorce...it doesn't mean you will end up divorcing but your husband will sure as hell realize you've had enough...100% enough!

BUT only do this if your REALLY are willing to loose it all... sometimes we have to be willing to loose it all...to get what we really want in life!

Best of luck.
:iagree:

A husband's first loyalty is to his wife.

She (OW) should not be able to disrespect the W without getting a figurative b!tch slap from the H.

That is, if he loved his W.
 

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I'm in the minority here but this doesn't seem like an EA to me.

I think he's more obsessive about the signing than he is about the singing with her. It's a definite problem, and the ignoring of your requests to spend more time together is just straight up rude. You have every right to feel slighted by him. Not so much by her IMO.

But...the constant texting doesn't look good.
 
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