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A long post, bear with me please. In some ways it is a neglected wife's story, in other a sort of emotional affair, advice appreciated.
My husband and I have been married for 26 years. He is 56 and I am 59. We are both semi -retired .We originally met in a running club and for many years we enjoyed taking part in races. This continued until a few years ago when accumulated injuries on both sides put a stop to our running. We looked for other outlets but struggled hard to find a common hobby where our abilities and interests matched so well.
In the end my husband, who has always had a very good singing voice, joined a local choir. I am completely unmusical but have always been interested in history and I joined a couple of local history research groups. It sort of worked, he would come on field trips with me and I would go along to his concerts and support him. However what he really wanted was to sing in a small group, one which gave recitals and entered musical competitions, as he is very competitive. He tried out several different partners but never found one he was compatible with, musically as well as personally, until a couple of years ago. Then a young woman of 28 joined the choir, he admired her voice and approached her about joining the quartet he was putting together . (The others are closer to his age. )
It soon became clear that their voices (his and hers) went together very well, they liked the same kind of music and were very compatible as personalities. They entered a few competitions, were successful and so entered some more, and so it went on. She is also very competitive. So over the last 18 months she has been constantly approaching my husband to perform at another recital or in another competition with her. She assumes he will always say yes and sadly for me, he does. Sometimes I suspect the approach has come from him.The quartet has given way to a duo.
Not long ago I asked my husband to cut back a bit and spare some time for me but I got nowhere really. He said he needed an absorbing interest in life and singing now replaces running. He said he is not about to cut back on their partnership now that they are having success he is really enjoying. I cannot offer any sufficiently appealing alternatives it seems.
She is not single, but in a live in relationship with her fiancé, a nice young man her own age and has been the whole time. He does not sing either and travels a lot for his work. She on the other hand has her own money and time on her hands which must be a factor in all this. It has now reached the point where she and my husband are together 6 days a week , rehearsing or performing, and I am really really fed up.
I have tried to befriend her but she has always resisted. So I suggested I maybe come to more shows, get more involved and he said he did not want me to, it was his interest not mine.My husband says having me around at concerts upsets her because she knows I think they spend too much time together and this makes things tense. He has told me she does not like me much because she “thinks” I am overly controlling of him ie want him to spend time with me! Hello he is my husband after all.
When we do go to concerts to watch them as two couples, her fiance talks to me politely and does not appear to notice her hostility to me. She on the other hand, just ignores both him and me and monopolises my husband to talk about nothing except their performance. I asked her fiancé how he felt about her relationship with my husband and all the time they spent together and he said he was quite comfortable with it. I think he is partly in denial. From things he has said I don’t think he knows how much time they really spend together as he is away such a lot. She does not seem to me to treat him very well. Really as a bit of a doormat. She says she has is not ready to settle down with him yet.
So recently I approached her and asked her to see my point of view, that I wanted to spend more time with my husband. She refused to speak to me but apparently told my husband he was “mother ridden” ie I was trying to control his time. So untrue, but he seems to be so far under her spell he is inclined to believe it. I on the other hand feel she is trying to cut him off from me. He says there is an element of truth in this but it is just because she is very self centred and competitive and wants to perform a lot, and he is her singing partner of choice, so inevitably I am a bit of an obstacle to her ambitions. In spite of all this he finds her an entirely sympathetic and engaging personality. He sees no disloyalty to me in all this.
Finally, in frustration a couple of weeks ago I suggested to him that we split up and then he could sing with her whenever he liked, without me on his back. He said he did not want to split up, he was sorry he was not balancing his life and hobby well but thought I should sympathise more with his having found such a rewarding hobby. He said he would not mind if I found an equally obsessive hobby of my own, as after all this time being married, we did not need to live in each other’s pockets anymore, being more semi -detached suited him fine. He does not want a divorce or separation. He does not even want separate bedrooms.
My husband has always been quite self centred. He has never been a man to discuss feelings and he seems to think that as there is nothing “physical” going on - she has made it clear from the outset she was not interested in him in that way, just as a singing partner - that I have no reason to feel jealous. He does not accept the concept of an emotional affair and says he thinks of her as a favorite niece and I should just find my own interests and accept the situation.
The thing is it does not suit me. While I know rationally there is nothing physical between them, there is clearly a major emotional bond which he does not see as a problem. I do. I feel jealous about all the time they spend together while I am left on my own. I have absolutely no evidence to suggest any sort of physical affair and all the time her fiancé is accommodating and unconcerned, it is hard to get any of them to take my concerns seriously. Just developing a similar interest of my own is not really the answer. I want him to spend more time with me, take more of an interest in me. Suggestions?
My husband and I have been married for 26 years. He is 56 and I am 59. We are both semi -retired .We originally met in a running club and for many years we enjoyed taking part in races. This continued until a few years ago when accumulated injuries on both sides put a stop to our running. We looked for other outlets but struggled hard to find a common hobby where our abilities and interests matched so well.
In the end my husband, who has always had a very good singing voice, joined a local choir. I am completely unmusical but have always been interested in history and I joined a couple of local history research groups. It sort of worked, he would come on field trips with me and I would go along to his concerts and support him. However what he really wanted was to sing in a small group, one which gave recitals and entered musical competitions, as he is very competitive. He tried out several different partners but never found one he was compatible with, musically as well as personally, until a couple of years ago. Then a young woman of 28 joined the choir, he admired her voice and approached her about joining the quartet he was putting together . (The others are closer to his age. )
It soon became clear that their voices (his and hers) went together very well, they liked the same kind of music and were very compatible as personalities. They entered a few competitions, were successful and so entered some more, and so it went on. She is also very competitive. So over the last 18 months she has been constantly approaching my husband to perform at another recital or in another competition with her. She assumes he will always say yes and sadly for me, he does. Sometimes I suspect the approach has come from him.The quartet has given way to a duo.
Not long ago I asked my husband to cut back a bit and spare some time for me but I got nowhere really. He said he needed an absorbing interest in life and singing now replaces running. He said he is not about to cut back on their partnership now that they are having success he is really enjoying. I cannot offer any sufficiently appealing alternatives it seems.
She is not single, but in a live in relationship with her fiancé, a nice young man her own age and has been the whole time. He does not sing either and travels a lot for his work. She on the other hand has her own money and time on her hands which must be a factor in all this. It has now reached the point where she and my husband are together 6 days a week , rehearsing or performing, and I am really really fed up.
I have tried to befriend her but she has always resisted. So I suggested I maybe come to more shows, get more involved and he said he did not want me to, it was his interest not mine.My husband says having me around at concerts upsets her because she knows I think they spend too much time together and this makes things tense. He has told me she does not like me much because she “thinks” I am overly controlling of him ie want him to spend time with me! Hello he is my husband after all.
When we do go to concerts to watch them as two couples, her fiance talks to me politely and does not appear to notice her hostility to me. She on the other hand, just ignores both him and me and monopolises my husband to talk about nothing except their performance. I asked her fiancé how he felt about her relationship with my husband and all the time they spent together and he said he was quite comfortable with it. I think he is partly in denial. From things he has said I don’t think he knows how much time they really spend together as he is away such a lot. She does not seem to me to treat him very well. Really as a bit of a doormat. She says she has is not ready to settle down with him yet.
So recently I approached her and asked her to see my point of view, that I wanted to spend more time with my husband. She refused to speak to me but apparently told my husband he was “mother ridden” ie I was trying to control his time. So untrue, but he seems to be so far under her spell he is inclined to believe it. I on the other hand feel she is trying to cut him off from me. He says there is an element of truth in this but it is just because she is very self centred and competitive and wants to perform a lot, and he is her singing partner of choice, so inevitably I am a bit of an obstacle to her ambitions. In spite of all this he finds her an entirely sympathetic and engaging personality. He sees no disloyalty to me in all this.
Finally, in frustration a couple of weeks ago I suggested to him that we split up and then he could sing with her whenever he liked, without me on his back. He said he did not want to split up, he was sorry he was not balancing his life and hobby well but thought I should sympathise more with his having found such a rewarding hobby. He said he would not mind if I found an equally obsessive hobby of my own, as after all this time being married, we did not need to live in each other’s pockets anymore, being more semi -detached suited him fine. He does not want a divorce or separation. He does not even want separate bedrooms.
My husband has always been quite self centred. He has never been a man to discuss feelings and he seems to think that as there is nothing “physical” going on - she has made it clear from the outset she was not interested in him in that way, just as a singing partner - that I have no reason to feel jealous. He does not accept the concept of an emotional affair and says he thinks of her as a favorite niece and I should just find my own interests and accept the situation.
The thing is it does not suit me. While I know rationally there is nothing physical between them, there is clearly a major emotional bond which he does not see as a problem. I do. I feel jealous about all the time they spend together while I am left on my own. I have absolutely no evidence to suggest any sort of physical affair and all the time her fiancé is accommodating and unconcerned, it is hard to get any of them to take my concerns seriously. Just developing a similar interest of my own is not really the answer. I want him to spend more time with me, take more of an interest in me. Suggestions?
. Next this kind of conversation offers a solution that would work for you--you directly ask your spouse for what would fix it or "make it okay" with you. Then they have the chance to say they agree and will do it...or to say they disagree and make an offer that would work for them. 
