Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
41 - 60 of 261 Posts

· Super Moderator
Joined
·
33,114 Posts
I had a needy friend just like this.

My wife told me that she was 'after me'. But I didn't believe my wife. I think this was because my wife had been brutally honest about my physical looks (her Aspieness talking as I later realised) so I knew that my needy friend could not see me in a sexual way, right? Wrong!

I heard this second-hand.

When my wife and I got our first home together needy friend became hysterical at a mutual friend's house: "Matt's moved in with her! Now I know we'll never be together!" and balled her eyes out for over an hour.

And I never had a clue that she felt about me in this way.

It transpired she thought I'd make a good father for her two boys. Sadly it was this needy friend who was the person I confessed my affair to, who told me I should confess to my wife. So I feel I really lost a good friend.:(
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,336 Posts
It would make my blood boil if my husband called a close female friend (he doesn't have any) and shared a very private conversation we were having about her.

I'm sorry, but I think your husband IS in an emotional affair. The two of them have an alliance. You're on the outside. You know in police interrogation rooms where you can look in but can't see out. Well they can see in (see you) but you can't see what they're up to. When a husband shifts his alliance from his wife to a female friend, that's an affair.

If he would so casually MAKE you talk to her, you can bet he's shared many, many intimate details about your marriage that she shouldn't know. You know far less about her than she knows about you. He's not acting like a happily married man.

Have you read the book Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? It's an excellent book that shows how the transition from friendship to affair happens slowly . Here's a free 10 question quiz "Has Your Friendship Become an Emotional Affair?"

Dr. Shirley Glass - Quiz: Has Your Friendship Become an Emotional Affair?

I don't want to beat you up over this, but you have been far too tolerant. What were you thinking when you allowed them to have closed door movie sessions together? I realize it's hip these days to show that one isn't jealous or insecure, but really close platonic male/female friendships happen on TV, movies and the books. In real life things get messy fast if both people have very poor boundaries.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
7,786 Posts
****My husband and I had a long discussion about the matter on a trip home to see my family for my birthday. 3 hours in the car each way allowed for a lot of talk time. He defended his friend and his fidelity. I explained many times over that I was never truly concerned about them having sex, but the fact that he was defending her like she had equal status was the problem in itself.

At one point he pulled off the road and called his friend. I was horrified and asked him not to make this is a discussion with her. It's our marriage, she doesn't get a say in it. He did it anyway while I just sat there and cried. He told her that I wasn't allowing him to see her anymore because I thought they were having a sexual affair- which is not the case at all! Then he handed me the phone which I started not to take, but then figured "what the hell" and explained to her my issues in a general way.

I said that I respect their 18 years of friendship, that I am not concerned about any sexual component to their relationship, but that I cannot accept that she reaches out to him for her every emotional need. That I cannot allow my husband to spend weekends alone with her regardless of how many other friends they see while he's up there. She cannot call EVERY DAY and she needed to find another support base. She did the whole "I understand" thing and then proceeded to give me marital advice!!!! I told her I was not going to have this conversation with her and hung up.

I tried a different approach with my husband the next day on our return trip home. I calmly gave examples of what he does for me as my husband- birthday trips, attending funerals, attending weddings, holding me when I'm upset, etc. Then I explained that she calls him for the EXACT same things despite the fact that she has her own husband. Because that's the issue. He seemed to understand it when he realized that she does ask him to attend funerals, weddings, etc with her. He said he wouldn't stay with her and that he was sorry. ****

too much talk, you sound to your husband like the adults on Peanuts. You're trying to sound as if you're the good guy here, ready to negotiate and compromise and we can tell that this woman is not about compromise. They usually aren't.

I know now, if people don't get my non verbal messages, then they're either playing dumb or are too dumb to waste my time on.

You can be sure, if I were in your situation, I would have been on the phone to mutual friends asking them to help take care of this woman because I am pregnant and my husband just no longer has the time.

you might as well try it. Your efforts to be honest broker has certainly backfired (as I had already predicted.)
 

· Registered
Joined
·
7,786 Posts
First of all I understand where you are coming from, but, you allowed a friendship to continue that should have ended years ago. It is not a good relationship, you know that, but you allowed it and actually by your actions promoted it. Now you are seeing the light. As an outsider this relationship should have ended when you started dating.
I think that's a bit mean. the general consensus out there in real life is that it is cool to have opposite sex friendships and if you aren't cool with it, then the problem is with you. Let's see, paranoid, jealous, insecure.

Probably everywhere she went before she got here, she was told to do nothing because the relationship "says more about them than it does about her" or some such.
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
2,171 Posts
From my POV this isn't a friend ship, he's been having an 18 year EA. the minute he committed to you and certainly after you married, that "friendship" should have ended "cold turkey". Simply put, you need to demand that he choose either you or her and that he chooses now, not after the baby. I would also back it up by contacting lawyer if he doesn't comply. Your husband seems to be very immature and you share a fair amount of blame for allowing this to go on as long as it did.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,271 Posts
At one point he pulled off the road and called his friend. I was horrified and asked him not to make this is a discussion with her. It's our marriage, she doesn't get a say in it. He did it anyway while I just sat there and cried. He told her that I wasn't allowing him to see her anymore because I thought they were having a sexual affair- which is not the case at all! Then he handed me the phone which I started not to take, but then figured "what the hell" and explained to her my issues in a general way.

I said that I respect their 18 years of friendship, that I am not concerned about any sexual component to their relationship, but that I cannot accept that she reaches out to him for her every emotional need. That I cannot allow my husband to spend weekends alone with her regardless of how many other friends they see while he's up there. She cannot call EVERY DAY and she needed to find another support base. She did the whole "I understand" thing and then proceeded to give me marital advice!!!! I told her I was not going to have this conversation with her and hung up.
Right here. This is where he take an intimate family discussion between himself and his wife and brazenly brings the OW right on into the discussion, as if SHE is in charge. Even has the utter gall to hand YOU the phone. She has no business being into the discussion. And afterwards they have a little chat without you. She is definitely the OW in your marriage, regardless of whether they have slept together or not.

It might be ultimatum time. Her or you. Period. Either you and he are a couple, or you are not. You will not tolerate being second in his heart.

Others have suggested that you get the book "Just Friends" and maybe show him what an EA is all about. He is in one. The OW obviously doesn't care about boundaries and he is being oblivious to your feelings. So long as she is involved as a consultant in your private affairs, she is a threat to your marriage, and you do need to get her out. The obvious other alternative is if you leave (temporarily) to show him that you are dead serious.

Could he honestly say he would tolerate the same if the roles where reversed? If it was you who had a male friend that you consulted with outside of your marriage? Visited and stayed with? Forced your spouse to accept the status-quo?
 

· Registered
Joined
·
57 Posts
He spoke to her after your conversation with him. I can only guess that he values his relationship with her more than his marriage. That is sad, If you do not say or do anything it will continue. You set your boundry and he crossed it. What are you going to do about It. If nothing you are going to be misserable. HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELF!! HE DOESN"T so it is time for consequenses.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,271 Posts
He spoke to her after your conversation with him. I can only guess that he values his relationship with her more than his marriage. That is sad, If you do not say or do anything it will continue. You set your boundry and he crossed it. What are you going to do about It. If nothing you are going to be misserable. HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELF!! HE DOESN"T so it is time for consequenses.
:iagree:

He will not sever the damaging relationship with the OW until he fully realizes that there are consequences. The OW will not budge as she loses nothing. She is confident that this will go underground if need be (as evidenced by him calling her after this exchange). The H has proven that this relationship will go underground by placing the call to her. Time for the "big guns"
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,336 Posts
My husband and I had a long discussion about the matter on a trip home to see my family for my birthday. 3 hours in the car each way allowed for a lot of talk time. He defended his friend and his fidelity. I explained many times over that I was never truly concerned about them having sex, but the fact that he was defending her like she had equal status was the problem in itself.

At one point he pulled off the road and called his friend. I was horrified and asked him not to make this is a discussion with her. It's our marriage, she doesn't get a say in it. He did it anyway while I just sat there and cried. He told her that I wasn't allowing him to see her anymore because I thought they were having a sexual affair- which is not the case at all! Then he handed me the phone which I started not to take, but then figured "what the hell" and explained to her my issues in a general way.

I said that I respect their 18 years of friendship, that I am not concerned about any sexual component to their relationship, but that I cannot accept that she reaches out to him for her every emotional need. That I cannot allow my husband to spend weekends alone with her regardless of how many other friends they see while he's up there. She cannot call EVERY DAY and she needed to find another support base. She did the whole "I understand" thing and then proceeded to give me marital advice!!!! I told her I was not going to have this conversation with her and hung up.

I tried a different approach with my husband the next day on our return trip home. I calmly gave examples of what he does for me as my husband- birthday trips, attending funerals, attending weddings, holding me when I'm upset, etc. Then I explained that she calls him for the EXACT same things despite the fact that she has her own husband. Because that's the issue. He seemed to understand it when he realized that she does ask him to attend funerals, weddings, etc with her. He said he wouldn't stay with her and that he was sorry.

I have now told them both as honestly as I am able that my husband isn't for sharing. He is going to be a father in September and the situation as it stands is unacceptable.

At one point I said "her or me" or something to that effect. I made it clear that I consider this an emotional affair and I will not be with someone who can't respect my feelings on this. Rational or not, the fact that he won't just walk away speaks volumes.

I did an immature thing and I snooped. For the first time in 7 years I looked through his cell phone.

He messaged her after we got home- after we had that horrible three way conversation on the side of the road the previous day and said "worst pregnancy tolerance ever"
She replied: " I'm afraid 2 talk 2 u. after that... that was upsetting. you're not coming r u 2"

He said: "No, not this weekend, unlikely but we'll see. I need to smooth things over big time. You are welcome and wanted to come down. I'll probably try and make it up next weekend instead since this weekend is"

She said: "Okay well that will be good u will get to see everyone. I'm out of town. I don't feel comfortable coming down at all anymore. I feel bad I made her so upset"


He has also spoken to her several times since we got home over the phone, but never when I was around apparently. True to his word he has been wonderful to me lately. When he mentioned plans to go home to see friends, I offered to accompany him. The "other woman" is apparently going to be out of town, but I still want to make an effort to see his friends and visit with his mother. He's not sure he wants me to go because I'm a "party pooper" which is exceptionally hurtful, but I guess true. I don't like to stay out until 2 am watching him party with his friends from high school, but I would do the best I can at 7 months pregnant to stay awake with him. I figured I would just go back to his mother's house while he was out late being social. But I've been emotional lately and he doesn't want me to ruin his good time it seems.

And to be completely honest, I'm not 100% convinced that his friend won't magically be in town and he won't accidentally forget his word and stay with her. Yes, her home is more comfortable. Yes, her home is closer to town. Yes, it would be the end of my ability to trust him again if he disregards my feelings and stays with her. It would quite possibility be the end of our marriage. I will not tolerate infidelity (even if he only considers sex cheating) and I will not tolerate abuse. This, in many ways, is both.

I've told him as much. It's all I can do. I thought I might message her before he leaves this weekend (or whenever he goes up there next) and say "Just as you do not feel comfortable in my home, I do not feel comfortable with my husband in yours. Please respect that" and I will tell him the same. His inability to just simply respect my feelings regardless of his personal take on things has been problem for years. But this is one where he'll have "let me have my way" or this marriage can't last.
Your husband has no sense of boundaries.

He also wants the lifestyle of a young single man while he's married. He can't have both. If he wants to party it up, stay out all night, stay with an extremely close female friend, he should be single.

You're taken far too much over the years. You didn't defend your boundaries. If you say something is your limit, HAVE a consequence for it. Mean what you say. If you say that something is off limits, enforce it. Don't beg, don't ask the other person to promise, don't have endless talks about it. It's meaningless to say "this is my limit" then stay when that line is crossed by your partner. When you don't defend you boundary, you look weak. It shows the other person that you'll say one thing but you tolerate another.

This woman is like a vampire sucking away at your marriage. How do you kill a vampire? Do you tap lightly at it once then sit back see if it's dead? Do you beg and politely "oh please, please respect my marriage"? No, of course not. You would be swift and decisive. Same way, there has to be some decisive action. Decide now if you're going to stay or leave. I realize it's very easy for us on the internet to say that. We're not in your shoes. I KNOW you're in a tough spot right now given that you are pregnant. And the time to have sorted this out was months ago but pregnant or not, you still have to decide whether you'll stay in a marriage where your husband is with another woman, taking care of her, taking care of her emotional needs, confiding in her about you, telling you that you can't come along.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
he would have her over for "movie night" and they would watch movies in his closed bedroom all night long.
NO matter how of "guy's girl" she is, staying behind closed doors in unacceptable. I was a guy's girl myself, but my bf started feeling uncomfrtable with who I considered one of my best friend, I broke off with that friend and we rarely hang out together, and it's only if my bf is with me. (this friend of mine is serial cheater, so I could understand why my bf felt so umcomfortable, he is the only that matter most to me not some guy friend). Also just because his friend's say nothing is going on, doens't mean there isn't. You will see on here, most of the time more than 1-3 friends know of the affair, often egging them and supoprting them to cheat.


she has been extremely needy and demanding of his time. She has a common law husband that she been with for years, she has a large family and many friends local to her yet she calls my husband at all hours of the night and day for his help dealing with her problems.
If she has a husband and family, she should not have the need to constnatly turn to your husband, have them take of her, your husband needs to take care of you!



she keeps upping the stakes and finding ways to make him feel compelled to go see her.
She is manipulating your husband, she has her own, what does she need him for? Clearly this goes deeper.

I am currently seven months pregnant with our first child. I am no longer comfortable with my husband leaving me for days at a time to help his friend deal with her every day life.
This almost makes me sick, WTF is he doing leaving you DAYS at a time to go help this woman, seriously WTF is wrong with your husband. NO women should be this important to him than YOU, especially since you're pregnant and he is leaving you ALONE for DAYS. BIG RED FLAG! it's not okay to have this sort of attachment and relationship with someone.

she called him crying and demanding he go up there right away and he agreed to go up there. Since her reasons for needing him are becoming increasingly far-fetched (she think she has a brain tumor and her house was robbed but there is no police report, etc), I asked that my husband stop staying with her. Her "lover" (common law husband) is out of town and it would be the two of them alone all weekend.
No women should be this demanding of YOUR husband's attention except YOU, you are his wife, not her. When you asked him to stop staying with her, what did he say? I would NEVER alow nor put up with my husband doing this to, especially if I was pregnant. You really need to make him choose between YOU or HER. And if he ever goes to see her, you should ALWAYS accompany him. It sounds like he is more of husband to her than he is to you, he may be doing out of the goodness of his heart, but you are the owner of his heart, not that rediculous woman. Why can't she go to her other "guy" friends or her family and just leave you and your poor husband alone?!


The level of "crazy" she has reached is really upsetting to me. She has started messaging me to get him to respond to her faster. "Tell him he HAS TO CALL ME, it's an emergency" or "I know your there, tell him to call me!" etc.
Again, not acceptable, I can't believe you're putting up with this. Put your foot down, you do not need this sort of stress especially with they baby on the way.

He agrees that once the baby is here she can't be doing this
He agreed to this till AFTER you have the baby? Are you kidding me, you need him now more than ever, it needs to be now. Stop being so nice and trustful, you've gone beyond what most other wives would put up with.

What it has come down to is the fact that he promised not to stay in her house this weekend when he goes up there again. He promised to stay with his mother who is very much looking forward to seeing him. But then I heard him on the phone telling his friend to "get the guest room ready for him" and making plans. I confronted him and he tried to make me feel silly for worrying.
He will say and do many things to make you feel better, doesn't mean he isn't lying to you. You know how many men just sweep it under the rug just like he just did?

This is becoming a SERIOUS PROBLEM, your husband is putting and spending all his attention on this one insignificant woman.
Also because he lying to you, I don't think it's just for the "comfort" that he is staying with her, I am sure he has "other" reasons. You need to either GO WITH HIM or make him choose between you or her, there is nothing between, you already were so lininant and this just keep blowing more and more out proportion. I would NEVER put up with this B.S. no matter how long they have been friends or how close they are.

He's always liked being the hero and he always will. But with this particular friend, I am extremely uncomfortable. It's creating a lot of negative tension and he won't make any effort to do anything about it.
Read this again, to yourself. He doesn't make any effort to do anything about it, BIG RED FLAG. You need to put your foot down, go with him, do NOT allow him to go alone anymore, he has overstep his bounds and he is not doing anything to help you. If he continues to put her before you, I would be extremely concerned and surprised if he isn't at very least having an EA, if not PA.

I don't want to stress you out doll, but this won't get better if you don't put your foot down. I wouldn't even leave him any options, if I was you I would tell him it's me or her, that's all there is to it. If she NEEDS him SOOO damn bad, she should just come down here herself and rent a hotel room, you should not have to put up with this B.S.

Please put your foot down, I hope there is no PA yet, but it could very well turn into one, especially once you start dealing with a baby, thats bring everything up a notch.

If he wants to see her so bad, he would let you come or she can come here, if he doesn't than there is something going on for sure. I am already suspisious and even your sub-conscious is telling you the same, more often than not your instinct is right. He is not her bell boy, it's rediculous he has to go out that far to even see her.

You come first, put your foot down and make it that way.
Good luck honey, but DO NOT put up with this, you do not need this sort of stress and he should ABOVE all know that. YOU, YOU are the only thing important now, you and your baby, clearly you're so stressed and worried about this that you seeked out help, to help you realize you're not crazy, it's not you and your hormones.

I would NEVER have even let them stay with door closed if we were starting to date, no matter how close they are. I would have NEVER let him stay with her alone, NEVER. Sounds like he is also making other plans, check bills, do a keylogger and VAR. It never hurts to protect yourself and your baby. The fact that he is spending SO much attention on her is unnatural and unaacceptable. Make him choose you or her.

You've gone beyond your duty, you sacrificed enough, and now they are just overstepping all your toes and boundaries, put a stop to it now.

Wish you all the best *hugs*
 

· Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
I had two close male friends and I had dated each of them when I was much younger. When they got into serious relationships, neither of their partners wanted me around because they felt insecure. Even though I miss my friends, I graciously stepped down. There are no more calls or visits.

If this woman was a real friend of your husband's, she would do the same.

Since your husband sees her alone in her home for weekends, I wouldn't be surprised if he was already banging her. Closed door movie nights? Give me a break! You have been allowing this to go on for far too long. Stand up for yourself and your marriage.
:iagree: absolutely! Honey, i would do some bigger digging, just in case. He has diserepected you in so many ways, no good faithful husband does that. I would do keylogger and VAR under car seat just to be sure. I honestly pray to go it's not PA, but I would be surprised if it has been going for a long time. She needs way to much attention from someone who is married and is not her husband.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
73 Posts
Discussion Starter · #52 ·
Here's a question- To what extent should I follow up on my husband's actions? If he goes back home to visit his friends, do I do anything to see if she was around (despite her saying she was going to be out of town) or if he stayed with her? Because she is very integrated into his existing/long-term set of friends back home.

At first I thought that I trusted him, but just didn't feel comfortable with him staying with her. The lengths to which he argued and fought over this one request lets me know that he can't be trusted in this matter. It wasn't even an "attack" (as he sees it) or a fight when I brought it up. I just explained that she has reached a new level of dependency and while it was totally okay for him to go home for a few days, I would prefer he not stay with her. His immediate anger over this was an eye opener.

He's been travelling every few weeks these past couple of months to see his friends, go camping at a music festival, and to visit family out West. He's trying to get as much "fun time" in before the baby comes as he can. And while I'm okay with it and pleased that he accepts that with a new baby we won't be going anywhere for a while, I wonder if maybe he feels trapped down here with me now that a baby is coming. The baby was planned, but I did pregnant about two seconds after we started trying. And I've had a rough pregnancy- neither of us was expecting it to be so crappy- so I know I've been no fun lately.

So he goes to see his friends, and he drinks, and he stays out late and stays with his good female friend who has a nice guest bedroom and is close to town. He stayed with her earlier this summer and I had no problem. The only red flag was that every time we spoke while he was away she was there. I even asked if she was monopolizing his time and keeping him from seeing his other friends since she's always been clingy. He explained more recently that the trip was just to see her because she was toying with the idea of moving to New York for grad school. He had wanted to make a special farewell trip since he feels that I wouldn't let him go up to New York to see her. Then he starts in on how I don't let him to go other places to other friends. Which isn't true, obviously, or he wouldn't have been back home 3 times in the past 2 months.

Naturally, she's no longer seriously planning to move to New York. Surprise, surprise. But honestly, this level of doing anything she can to get my husband to see her wasn't a problem until recently when defended her over it. I said I was uncomfortable and he told me to get over it/deal with it/too bad, so sad, etc. Even if he's completely innocent, she is not. And the fact that I have been made to feel that way should be enough to make him drop her like a rock.

At one point I said "her or me" then I went back on that and said just don't stay at her place. Now I'm feeling that the only way this will work for me is if he just avoids her altogether. He doesn't have to call her when he's home and going out with other friends. If no other friends are available, then too bad for him I guess. His other friends have moved on in a lot of ways, this one woman is the only person still hanging around with nothing to do.

I'm not sure how to bring it up without starting another huge fight. He's been better to me in the past few days than he has been in years. I know he's trying to ease my concerns, but it doesn't work that way. I know how much he loves and how much he loves our baby. But he just can't have his family and this friend if it's going to cause such a rift. He's asked me to give up male friends in the past. We broke up at one point in our relationship and I dated other men. One guy remained a friend after I got back together with my husband (it was before we were married). My husband didn't like the other guy being in communication with me, so I dropped him. I blocked him on Facebook and haven't seen in person in three years. The other guy did NOTHING wrong and I had ZERO interest in him romantically. We went on two dates and realized we were going to be buddies, nothing more. At some point the block on his ability to post on my Facebook was lifted. It could have been 2 years ago for all I know, but my friend made a joke about a post I made about a little while ago. I laughed out loud and my husband looked over and read it and got mad when he saw who had made me smile. So I reblocked him. Because even though my husband was being irrational in my my opinion, I respected him and our relationship enough to just drop the other guy with no questions. I pointed this out to him during our fight and he argued that since I officially dated this other guy it was different.

I decided that if he goes up there and stays with her, I will leave for a while. I run a business from home so it's hard to leave for more than a day at a time, but I will figure it out. But how do I follow up without being insane about it?
 

· Registered
Joined
·
187 Posts
Bingo! He has asked you to give up opposite sex friends that made him uncomfortable. This means that he gets it. He just doesn't think it applies to him.

I think this woman is a real threat to your marriage. At the very least, she has him in a holding pattern. If her marriage ever fails, she will probably pull him in completely.

Have you read "Not Just Friends"? It's a real eye opener. He's so thick in it, I bet he won't appreciate it though.

I think making yourself scarce is a good plan. I wish you the best. I think you have a hard road ahead. At least for awhile. Hopefully, he will do the right thing by you and your child.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
7,866 Posts
I'm not sure how to bring it up without starting another huge fight. He's been better to me in the past few days than he has been in years. I know he's trying to ease my concerns, but it doesn't work that way. I know how much he loves and how much he loves our baby. But he just can't have his family and this friend if it's going to cause such a rift. He's asked me to give up male friends in the past. We broke up at one point in our relationship and I dated other men. One guy remained a friend after I got back together with my husband (it was before we were married). My husband didn't like the other guy being in communication with me, so I dropped him. I blocked him on Facebook and haven't seen in person in three years. The other guy did NOTHING wrong and I had ZERO interest in him romantically. We went on two dates and realized we were going to be buddies, nothing more. At some point the block on his ability to post on my Facebook was lifted. It could have been 2 years ago for all I know, but my friend made a joke about a post I made about a little while ago. I laughed out loud and my husband looked over and read it and got mad when he saw who had made me smile. So I reblocked him. Because even though my husband was being irrational in my my opinion, I respected him and our relationship enough to just drop the other guy with no questions. I pointed this out to him during our fight and he argued that since I officially dated this other guy it was different.

I decided that if he goes up there and stays with her, I will leave for a while. I run a business from home so it's hard to leave for more than a day at a time, but I will figure it out. But how do I follow up without being insane about it?
Technically speaking, he has dated this "friend" as well. You went NC with this old friend of yours, someone you dated, because HE was uncomfortable with it. You deserve the EXACT SAME RESPECT! I'd give the "her or me" again, and make it stick... And tell him the consequences of breaking the NC. This woman is NOT a friend of the marriage. Honestly, at this point, in pregnancy, I wouldn't feel comfortable with my husband being away UNLESS NECESSARY (i.e. WORK related). And don't let him get away with the "I guess I can't have any friends" bs either... It isn't ALL friends, only THIS friend, who has proven to NOT be a friend to the marriage.
 

· Banned
Joined
·
2,018 Posts
If my husband called some other woman right in front of me and complained that I am not happy with their relationship....let's just say he'd be hobbling for a week because my knee would hit his crotch.

It is all fine and dandy that you want to be nice, but sometimes we women need to get tough and set some boundaries. My husband would not DARE to try such sh!t with me because he knows I ain't no shrinking violet.

Maybe he feels that because you are pregnant, you are more dependant on him and therefore he can do what he wants. How about exposing his affair? That is the best way to get it to stop-tell your family members and friends what your husband is doing. After that, tell your husband that if he wants to keep his rude and needy friend, you will not be around to tolerate it. If the EA continues, find a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. You and your child deserve to be respected and treated as the #1 priority.

Your husband fighting tooth and nail to see this woman is a huge red flag.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,271 Posts
I decided that if he goes up there and stays with her, I will leave for a while. I run a business from home so it's hard to leave for more than a day at a time, but I will figure it out. But how do I follow up without being insane about it?
I would recommend that you go ballistic on him. You call constantly. You tell him you are not feeling well. You need him. In short, you destroy their "fun" by inserting yourself into their little get together as often as you can by calling him with questions, problems, any little stupid thing to throw him (and her) off their game. How do you get away with it? Well, you are pregnant. ;) What's he going to do?

Then, if he decides to cut his visit short and come home, you suddenly feel better. You see, "insane" is okay when you are pregnant! :D
 

· Registered
Joined
·
7,866 Posts
I would recommend that you go ballistic on him. You call constantly. You tell him you are not feeling well. You need him. In short, you destroy their "fun" by inserting yourself into their little get together as often as you can by calling him with questions, problems, any little stupid thing to throw him (and her) off their game. How do you get away with it? Well, you are pregnant. ;) What's he going to do?

Then, if he decides to cut his visit short and come home, you suddenly feel better. You see, "insane" is okay when you are pregnant! :D

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,573 Posts
Your husband is a rescuer, the ow vailidates his need to feel like a hero. She knows what she is doing, but he probably does not see the damage he is doing to your relationship and making him see this without him going all defensive is going to be difficult.
Perhaps it is not a physical relationship, but it seems she is keeping him dangling on the end of her hook & gains some kind of enjoyment out of making him jump.
I am no expert, but it does seem that an ultimatium may be the answer & be prepared to follow through. If you are not prepared to follow through, then don't make the ultimatium. There are always solutions to problems, if you cannot move out, tell him he will have to vacate the property if he cannot drop this woman.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
12,986 Posts
First of all I understand where you are coming from, but, you allowed a friendship to continue that should have ended years ago. It is not a good relationship, you know that, but you allowed it and actually by your actions promoted it. Now you are seeing the light. As an outsider this relationship should have ended when you started dating.
Yes. My husband had this weird savior relationship with a female friend when we first started dating.

Funny how her "emergencies" were always on our dates :mad:

I put the kibosh on that really quick. I said, "I won't be usurped for another female. If she's so important, then go rescue her, but i won't be here when you get back."

He stayed. :)
 
41 - 60 of 261 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top