Needy female friend- is this emotional infidelity?
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You need to get very firm. Not *****y but firm. We men are extremely susceptible to girls in distress, and the things she's whispering to him are stroking his ego.
He definitely needs to break contact with this woman. Even if his heart is not being turned, she is definitely in love with him. You need to fight.
He definitely needs to break contact with this woman. Even if his heart is not being turned, she is definitely in love with him. You need to fight.
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Sometimes, you have to pull out the big gun and give an ultimatum. Try everything else first, but if he doesn't completely commit to you and what is going to be best for your little family, give him the ultimatum to go and be with her. This can be the most powerful move in your arsenal. It can also be the weakest (if you are bluffing). So be prepared to follow through. Never bluff when giving an ultimatum.
When DH and I were at about year 2.5, I had to do this. When we got married, rather than mellowing out on the partying lifestyle, DH ramped it up.
It was a bone of contention with us from pretty much the first month of our marriage. It got worse and worse, and then just at the point that I was ready to walk away, he straightened out on his own, and we had smooth sailing for about a year.
Then, when our first child was about 4 months old, the party bug hit him again. He was going out, promising to be back by a certain, reasonable time, but not showing up until 4 am, staggering drunk, passing out. He felt justified for his behavior because he had been "good" for so long. We had arguments and fights about it. I nagged. Nothing worked.
One night, he stumbled in. He had driven home drunk, he passed out for a while in the bathtub. I was disgusted and sick and tired of it. So, I got my suitcase out and began to pack. It was 3 am. He wandered out and I sat him down. Told him that I would no longer live like this. That I had planned on leaving him before, but he had been able to straighten himself out before I actually walked out the door. Now, we had a kid, and I would not raise my child in that environment. So, that was it. No nagging, fighting, or crying. I just told him how it was. He sobered up real quick. We had a long discussion about his behaviors and what was acceptable and unacceptable. He seemed to get it. I basically told him that there were no more second chances. The behavior changed or me and the kid were gone. Period.
Moral of the story: I laid it all on the line, ready to walk away. No bluff. We are still together. 14 years now. And I have never had to issue another ultimatum. I haven't even had to hint at it. He knows now, if I am dead serious about a problem, my solution will be dead serious too.
Caveat: At about year 4, he did have one little backslide. A loophole (if you will) that I tied up real quick and not a single problem since then.
When DH and I were at about year 2.5, I had to do this. When we got married, rather than mellowing out on the partying lifestyle, DH ramped it up.
It was a bone of contention with us from pretty much the first month of our marriage. It got worse and worse, and then just at the point that I was ready to walk away, he straightened out on his own, and we had smooth sailing for about a year.
Then, when our first child was about 4 months old, the party bug hit him again. He was going out, promising to be back by a certain, reasonable time, but not showing up until 4 am, staggering drunk, passing out. He felt justified for his behavior because he had been "good" for so long. We had arguments and fights about it. I nagged. Nothing worked.
One night, he stumbled in. He had driven home drunk, he passed out for a while in the bathtub. I was disgusted and sick and tired of it. So, I got my suitcase out and began to pack. It was 3 am. He wandered out and I sat him down. Told him that I would no longer live like this. That I had planned on leaving him before, but he had been able to straighten himself out before I actually walked out the door. Now, we had a kid, and I would not raise my child in that environment. So, that was it. No nagging, fighting, or crying. I just told him how it was. He sobered up real quick. We had a long discussion about his behaviors and what was acceptable and unacceptable. He seemed to get it. I basically told him that there were no more second chances. The behavior changed or me and the kid were gone. Period.
Moral of the story: I laid it all on the line, ready to walk away. No bluff. We are still together. 14 years now. And I have never had to issue another ultimatum. I haven't even had to hint at it. He knows now, if I am dead serious about a problem, my solution will be dead serious too.
Caveat: At about year 4, he did have one little backslide. A loophole (if you will) that I tied up real quick and not a single problem since then.
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559 Posts
Yep, you really have to put your foot down. Tell him that he's disrespecting you and your marriage. He needs to be helping you now, not some "friend."
Unbelievable. That "friend" is a real piece of work. Even if he's oblivious to it, it's pretty clear that she's trying to plant seeds.
Unbelievable. That "friend" is a real piece of work. Even if he's oblivious to it, it's pretty clear that she's trying to plant seeds.
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....even if this issue with the friend is resolved if he can't get to the root of the problem of where his loyalties should lie this issue will come up again later on in the relationship.
Doesn't matter if they are childhood friends, this is inappropriate and is filling emotional needs on both sides that should be filled by the others SO.
I understand that you don't want to be seen as a controlling/needy person, But what about YOUR NEEDS!! You matter and need to come first, soon it won't be just your needs that he is ignoring it will be your CHILD'S NEEDS as well.
I would suggest communicating this to him sooner rather than later.
I understand that you don't want to be seen as a controlling/needy person, But what about YOUR NEEDS!! You matter and need to come first, soon it won't be just your needs that he is ignoring it will be your CHILD'S NEEDS as well.
I would suggest communicating this to him sooner rather than later.
Yes. This is infidelity. Anything that takes away from him spending quality time with you is infidelity.
This is an emotional affair.
It also sounds like this woman has some type of personality disorder due to her lack of boundaries and neediness.
She fits the borderline personality disorder description. Google it. She can be dangerous for sure because they often use sex to manipulate others.
Why would you even alow this in the first place? If he was watching moving in a bedroom with the door closed all night with another women!!!! I don't care if it is not physical it is still cheating. It is emotional cheating!! He and she are getting a emotional need meet by someone other then their mate. That is cheating PERIOD!!! You let this go on for too long and now to make a stand is going to be difficult but you/he has to end it other wise it will be a source of discontent throughout your marriage. FYI you can bet they both have thought of each other in a sexual nature no matter how much they deny it.
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My husband and I had a long discussion about the matter on a trip home to see my family for my birthday. 3 hours in the car each way allowed for a lot of talk time. He defended his friend and his fidelity. I explained many times over that I was never truly concerned about them having sex, but the fact that he was defending her like she had equal status was the problem in itself.
At one point he pulled off the road and called his friend. I was horrified and asked him not to make this is a discussion with her. It's our marriage, she doesn't get a say in it. He did it anyway while I just sat there and cried. He told her that I wasn't allowing him to see her anymore because I thought they were having a sexual affair- which is not the case at all! Then he handed me the phone which I started not to take, but then figured "what the hell" and explained to her my issues in a general way.
I said that I respect their 18 years of friendship, that I am not concerned about any sexual component to their relationship, but that I cannot accept that she reaches out to him for her every emotional need. That I cannot allow my husband to spend weekends alone with her regardless of how many other friends they see while he's up there. She cannot call EVERY DAY and she needed to find another support base. She did the whole "I understand" thing and then proceeded to give me marital advice!!!! I told her I was not going to have this conversation with her and hung up.
I tried a different approach with my husband the next day on our return trip home. I calmly gave examples of what he does for me as my husband- birthday trips, attending funerals, attending weddings, holding me when I'm upset, etc. Then I explained that she calls him for the EXACT same things despite the fact that she has her own husband. Because that's the issue. He seemed to understand it when he realized that she does ask him to attend funerals, weddings, etc with her. He said he wouldn't stay with her and that he was sorry.
I have now told them both as honestly as I am able that my husband isn't for sharing. He is going to be a father in September and the situation as it stands is unacceptable.
At one point I said "her or me" or something to that effect. I made it clear that I consider this an emotional affair and I will not be with someone who can't respect my feelings on this. Rational or not, the fact that he won't just walk away speaks volumes.
I did an immature thing and I snooped. For the first time in 7 years I looked through his cell phone.
He messaged her after we got home- after we had that horrible three way conversation on the side of the road the previous day and said "worst pregnancy tolerance ever"
She replied: " I'm afraid 2 talk 2 u. after that... that was upsetting. you're not coming r u 2"
He said: "No, not this weekend, unlikely but we'll see. I need to smooth things over big time. You are welcome and wanted to come down. I'll probably try and make it up next weekend instead since this weekend is"
She said: "Okay well that will be good u will get to see everyone. I'm out of town. I don't feel comfortable coming down at all anymore. I feel bad I made her so upset"
He has also spoken to her several times since we got home over the phone, but never when I was around apparently. True to his word he has been wonderful to me lately. When he mentioned plans to go home to see friends, I offered to accompany him. The "other woman" is apparently going to be out of town, but I still want to make an effort to see his friends and visit with his mother. He's not sure he wants me to go because I'm a "party pooper" which is exceptionally hurtful, but I guess true. I don't like to stay out until 2 am watching him party with his friends from high school, but I would do the best I can at 7 months pregnant to stay awake with him. I figured I would just go back to his mother's house while he was out late being social. But I've been emotional lately and he doesn't want me to ruin his good time it seems.
And to be completely honest, I'm not 100% convinced that his friend won't magically be in town and he won't accidentally forget his word and stay with her. Yes, her home is more comfortable. Yes, her home is closer to town. Yes, it would be the end of my ability to trust him again if he disregards my feelings and stays with her. It would quite possibility be the end of our marriage. I will not tolerate infidelity (even if he only considers sex cheating) and I will not tolerate abuse. This, in many ways, is both.
I've told him as much. It's all I can do. I thought I might message her before he leaves this weekend (or whenever he goes up there next) and say "Just as you do not feel comfortable in my home, I do not feel comfortable with my husband in yours. Please respect that" and I will tell him the same. His inability to just simply respect my feelings regardless of his personal take on things has been problem for years. But this is one where he'll have "let me have my way" or this marriage can't last.
At one point he pulled off the road and called his friend. I was horrified and asked him not to make this is a discussion with her. It's our marriage, she doesn't get a say in it. He did it anyway while I just sat there and cried. He told her that I wasn't allowing him to see her anymore because I thought they were having a sexual affair- which is not the case at all! Then he handed me the phone which I started not to take, but then figured "what the hell" and explained to her my issues in a general way.
I said that I respect their 18 years of friendship, that I am not concerned about any sexual component to their relationship, but that I cannot accept that she reaches out to him for her every emotional need. That I cannot allow my husband to spend weekends alone with her regardless of how many other friends they see while he's up there. She cannot call EVERY DAY and she needed to find another support base. She did the whole "I understand" thing and then proceeded to give me marital advice!!!! I told her I was not going to have this conversation with her and hung up.
I tried a different approach with my husband the next day on our return trip home. I calmly gave examples of what he does for me as my husband- birthday trips, attending funerals, attending weddings, holding me when I'm upset, etc. Then I explained that she calls him for the EXACT same things despite the fact that she has her own husband. Because that's the issue. He seemed to understand it when he realized that she does ask him to attend funerals, weddings, etc with her. He said he wouldn't stay with her and that he was sorry.
I have now told them both as honestly as I am able that my husband isn't for sharing. He is going to be a father in September and the situation as it stands is unacceptable.
At one point I said "her or me" or something to that effect. I made it clear that I consider this an emotional affair and I will not be with someone who can't respect my feelings on this. Rational or not, the fact that he won't just walk away speaks volumes.
I did an immature thing and I snooped. For the first time in 7 years I looked through his cell phone.
He messaged her after we got home- after we had that horrible three way conversation on the side of the road the previous day and said "worst pregnancy tolerance ever"
She replied: " I'm afraid 2 talk 2 u. after that... that was upsetting. you're not coming r u 2"
He said: "No, not this weekend, unlikely but we'll see. I need to smooth things over big time. You are welcome and wanted to come down. I'll probably try and make it up next weekend instead since this weekend is"
She said: "Okay well that will be good u will get to see everyone. I'm out of town. I don't feel comfortable coming down at all anymore. I feel bad I made her so upset"
He has also spoken to her several times since we got home over the phone, but never when I was around apparently. True to his word he has been wonderful to me lately. When he mentioned plans to go home to see friends, I offered to accompany him. The "other woman" is apparently going to be out of town, but I still want to make an effort to see his friends and visit with his mother. He's not sure he wants me to go because I'm a "party pooper" which is exceptionally hurtful, but I guess true. I don't like to stay out until 2 am watching him party with his friends from high school, but I would do the best I can at 7 months pregnant to stay awake with him. I figured I would just go back to his mother's house while he was out late being social. But I've been emotional lately and he doesn't want me to ruin his good time it seems.
And to be completely honest, I'm not 100% convinced that his friend won't magically be in town and he won't accidentally forget his word and stay with her. Yes, her home is more comfortable. Yes, her home is closer to town. Yes, it would be the end of my ability to trust him again if he disregards my feelings and stays with her. It would quite possibility be the end of our marriage. I will not tolerate infidelity (even if he only considers sex cheating) and I will not tolerate abuse. This, in many ways, is both.
I've told him as much. It's all I can do. I thought I might message her before he leaves this weekend (or whenever he goes up there next) and say "Just as you do not feel comfortable in my home, I do not feel comfortable with my husband in yours. Please respect that" and I will tell him the same. His inability to just simply respect my feelings regardless of his personal take on things has been problem for years. But this is one where he'll have "let me have my way" or this marriage can't last.
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7,866 Posts
Tell me if this sounds similar:
Him: [Maricha] saw text conversation and freaked out that she was gonna lose me.
Her: I'm sorry, maybe we should just stop talking. I don't want to cause trouble....
Him: No, no, she's ok with it, as long as there is no sexual talk at all.
Her: I just don't want to come between you...
Him: You won't, trust me... or more like you won't trust me.
A few days later, I found out EXACTLY how they felt. And I gave the ultimatum of her or me. He chose me, his wife, the woman he pledged to spend the rest of his life with. Yea, at one point, she actually said "no offense, but maybe now, she knows a little of how you felt"... and she even had the audacity to ask me "did you ever stop to think maybe I am the reason for his behavior now?".... EA, and it got squashed.... 12 years married and counting. And that b!tch is out.
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387 Posts
Any relationship or friendship that causes problems for your marriage has to go.
Your M should be more important to your H than this friendship. (As you already know!)
And his wife's happiness should come first.
It's not about control. It's about marital boundaries and respecting the feelings of your spouse above all others.
Your H's friendship with this woman is so inappropriate and I'm sorry for your frustration. I would be furious with him after that conversation. Not acceptable at all.
I hope MC can help you.
Your M should be more important to your H than this friendship. (As you already know!)
And his wife's happiness should come first.
It's not about control. It's about marital boundaries and respecting the feelings of your spouse above all others.
Your H's friendship with this woman is so inappropriate and I'm sorry for your frustration. I would be furious with him after that conversation. Not acceptable at all.
I hope MC can help you.
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I agree with everyone here.
I understand how you feel -- I would feel the same way too. I'm sorry, but I don't totally believe it is just "friendship" especially with your husband staying at her house. You simply have to put your foot down and talk to your husband (NOT the "friend") that this situation should not continue.
Good luck! I hope your husband realizes what his action is causing you.
I understand how you feel -- I would feel the same way too. I'm sorry, but I don't totally believe it is just "friendship" especially with your husband staying at her house. You simply have to put your foot down and talk to your husband (NOT the "friend") that this situation should not continue.
Good luck! I hope your husband realizes what his action is causing you.
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Two things major wrong with this. One, he should never allow another person into what should be a private intimate conversation between two married people; by doing so he just let her into your marraige and disrespected your legitimate wishes for him not to do so. Two, he turned it into a two on one debate where they ganged up on you (which is unfair), with them being together as a team and you being the outsider by yourself; not only was she in your marraige, but her status was one of being better than your equal since she was on his team and you were not. Ignoring normal martial boundaries is what makes this an emotional affair (EA).
It is official. This text confirms that she in not a friend of the marraige. Even couples that are OK with opposite sex friends, require that these opposite sex friends be friends of the marraige. Again, they are ignoring normal martial boundaries.
Wow!! Big red flag. He just told you to your face that she is welcome and you are not. Again, picking teams he picks her over you. Also, another common boundary for couples that are OK with opposite sex friend is that the spouse is always welcome.
Bottom line, is that your husband's relationship with this other woman (OM) crosses many standard marital boundaries even for some of the most open minded couples that are OK with opposite sex friends. It appears that other than not having sex with her (big if BTW), your husband does not respect any marital boundaries with the OW what so ever.
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I had two close male friends and I had dated each of them when I was much younger. When they got into serious relationships, neither of their partners wanted me around because they felt insecure. Even though I miss my friends, I graciously stepped down. There are no more calls or visits.
If this woman was a real friend of your husband's, she would do the same.
Since your husband sees her alone in her home for weekends, I wouldn't be surprised if he was already banging her. Closed door movie nights? Give me a break! You have been allowing this to go on for far too long. Stand up for yourself and your marriage.
If this woman was a real friend of your husband's, she would do the same.
Since your husband sees her alone in her home for weekends, I wouldn't be surprised if he was already banging her. Closed door movie nights? Give me a break! You have been allowing this to go on for far too long. Stand up for yourself and your marriage.
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I'm sorry but your husband is an EA. My husband said similar things about a Co worker who he has only known a few months. i will be moving out on Friday.....
Either this stops or it doesn't. And it looks like its not going to stop by your husbands actions. It is time for some consequences. Are you ready for that? The disrespect he is showing to you and your marriage is unbelievable!!!
Either this stops or it doesn't. And it looks like its not going to stop by your husbands actions. It is time for some consequences. Are you ready for that? The disrespect he is showing to you and your marriage is unbelievable!!!
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:thumbup: couldn't agree with this post any more!!
I have to tell you that this is a very bad road that you are headed down. Me and my wife started spending time with friends alone, she would go out with the girls etc and I would go out with my friends without her. It causes a rift in your marriage. Since her infidelity we go out together and if her friends do not want me to go she does not go. I take her to all the get together with my friends as well. There is a problem and spending more time apart is not going to fix it. I would pose the question to him regarding how pleased he would be if you spent the weekend at one of your guy friends homes alone.. I can tell you I would never even ask or consider something like that because it is not proper behavior for a married man. You need to establish boundaries, right now you do not have acceptable boundaries concerning other people in your marriage. It does not get better if you allow it to continue believe me I know. It will lead to a physical affair (not necessarily with that particular girl) because the line of what is acceptable will continue to move towards it. You HAVE to put a stop to it immediately.
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