[survivorwife]

For your H to include this particular friend among his other friends, to have dinner with this friend (with other friends) or a simple phone call is not cheating.

HOWEVER, when she calls and he jumps, and he stays at her home alone, and becomes her "knight in shining armor" (at her beck and call) then yes, he most certainly is crossing the line since he is now married to you. There are boundaries that she appears to demand that he cross, and his "knight in shining armor" persona is willingly responding to this. This relationship is potentially dangerous as there appears to be "three in this marriage".

I often wonder (and forgive me for relating your situation to something so public) if the current Duchess of Cornwall, the notorious Camilla, didn't pull such "needy" stunts in order to maintain her relationship with Prince Charles while he was married to Diana. Camilla was married as well (and your OW is in a relationship). Camilla had a relationship with Charles before he married Diana (same as your OW). The "Couple" Charles/Camilla maintained that relationship throughout his marriage to Diana, and we see where that got them.

The point of the above reference is this. The OW is being manipulative and cunning; maintaining what she deems "her territory" (aka your H) in spite of your marriage to him. And, by your H's response, he appears to be accepting the status quo. While your "knight in shining armor" might be innocent of any intention to be involved with this OW, She on the other hand has other options (as you noted) and using YOUR H for domestic duties is a blatant way of keeping him at her beck and call. Using YOU to make sure HE calls HER is also overstepping the line as well. You and your H are a married couple now and the rules have changed.

You should absolutely insist that your H stay at his family's home, not her home. You should further insist that he not attend to her alone, but bring a family member or friend. If he absolutely must help the poor dear , either you should accompany him or someone else should. Make it difficult for them to be together alone.

Please keep us updated here as I understand your concerns.

 

[survivorwife]

Is this something that is considered infidelity? Or does it get a different label?

All I know is that if he promises not to stay with her and does so anyway, I will never trust him again. And that's a pretty big problem. Knowing my husband he will do what he wants to do and then say "I didn't feel well and I needed to stay in town" or something to excuse the fact that he blatantly disregarded my feelings on the matter.

Maybe if I address it with her? But I worry that will make it just a big dramatic mess of stupidity.

No, I would not address it with her. That gives her power and control in your marriage, which I suspect is what she wants. What needs to happen is that you and your H make such decisions in your household without including her as a party to those decisions. Once you actively include her in "family" discussions, I suspect she will take advantage of this new position and find new means of controlling BOTH you and your H.

 

[survivorwife]

At one point he pulled off the road and called his friend. I was horrified and asked him not to make this is a discussion with her. It's our marriage, she doesn't get a say in it. He did it anyway while I just sat there and cried. He told her that I wasn't allowing him to see her anymore because I thought they were having a sexual affair- which is not the case at all! Then he handed me the phone which I started not to take, but then figured "what the hell" and explained to her my issues in a general way.

I said that I respect their 18 years of friendship, that I am not concerned about any sexual component to their relationship, but that I cannot accept that she reaches out to him for her every emotional need. That I cannot allow my husband to spend weekends alone with her regardless of how many other friends they see while he's up there. She cannot call EVERY DAY and she needed to find another support base. She did the whole "I understand" thing and then proceeded to give me marital advice!!!! I told her I was not going to have this conversation with her and hung up.

Right here. This is where he take an intimate family discussion between himself and his wife and brazenly brings the OW right on into the discussion, as if SHE is in charge. Even has the utter gall to hand YOU the phone. She has no business being into the discussion. And afterwards they have a little chat without you. She is definitely the OW in your marriage, regardless of whether they have slept together or not.

It might be ultimatum time. Her or you. Period. Either you and he are a couple, or you are not. You will not tolerate being second in his heart.

Others have suggested that you get the book "Just Friends" and maybe show him what an EA is all about. He is in one. The OW obviously doesn't care about boundaries and he is being oblivious to your feelings. So long as she is involved as a consultant in your private affairs, she is a threat to your marriage, and you do need to get her out. The obvious other alternative is if you leave (temporarily) to show him that you are dead serious.

Could he honestly say he would tolerate the same if the roles where reversed? If it was you who had a male friend that you consulted with outside of your marriage? Visited and stayed with? Forced your spouse to accept the status-quo?

 

[survivorwife]

He spoke to her after your conversation with him. I can only guess that he values his relationship with her more than his marriage. That is sad, If you do not say or do anything it will continue. You set your boundry and he crossed it. What are you going to do about It. If nothing you are going to be misserable. HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELF!! HE DOESN"T so it is time for consequenses.

:iagree:

He will not sever the damaging relationship with the OW until he fully realizes that there are consequences. The OW will not budge as she loses nothing. She is confident that this will go underground if need be (as evidenced by him calling her after this exchange). The H has proven that this relationship will go underground by placing the call to her. Time for the "big guns"

 

[survivorwife]

I decided that if he goes up there and stays with her, I will leave for a while. I run a business from home so it's hard to leave for more than a day at a time, but I will figure it out. But how do I follow up without being insane about it?

I would recommend that you go ballistic on him. You call constantly. You tell him you are not feeling well. You need him. In short, you destroy their "fun" by inserting yourself into their little get together as often as you can by calling him with questions, problems, any little stupid thing to throw him (and her) off their game. How do you get away with it? Well, you are pregnant. What's he going to do?

Then, if he decides to cut his visit short and come home, you suddenly feel better. You see, "insane" is okay when you are pregnant!

 

[survivorwife]

I lose. A swing and a miss.

He won't go to counseling. He won't drop his friend. He still says I'm the one with the problem.

He wants the three of us to sit down and talk. He says that her advice over the years about our relationship has been what has kept him trying. He says that if I make him drop this one friend, then next time it will be another friend and then another.

He again keeps focusing on how it's not sexual - "she has no figure" "your boobs are bigger" etc like he isn't hearing me at all.

He insists that I am first on his list. But he is first on hers. He doesn't believe that, naturally. She doesn't have time to reach out to other people if she's calling him morning, noon and night. He won't even take a break from his friendship.

I am pathetic. I am desperate not to lose the father of my child over this.

I asked that he not call her and include her in plans when he goes home- he refused.

I asked that he tell her she needs to back off and stop calling him with her problems- he wants to be available for her if she's in trouble.

I asked that he not be alone with her in any circumstance- he argued that it was stupid that he should need a chaperone.

They apparently haven't spoken in several days. He said I "frightened her" when I spoke to her on the phone. He was right there. I was crying over my crumbling marriage and asked her to find another support system. When she tried to offer marital advice I said "I'm not comfortable having this conversation" and got off the phone. I didn't threaten her. I didn't call her names. I just blubbered for 4 minutes like a fool.

But yeah, I'm the bad guy here. I asked my husband to take a break from his friend after she finally crossed the line. I had asked him for months to tell her not to call in the middle of the night. I have asked him for months to tell her to find help closer to home. She crossed the line when she started lying and crying to him. She crossed the line when she started coming after me with "I know your there, tell him to call me!" when he didn't respond right away.

My husband won't give up his friend. He claims innocence, says I'm the most important person in the world, cried when I said I can't just accept it.

I am so sorry. I do feel your pain. It hurts to see you so tormented by this OW (and she IS the OW - make no mistake about it). It just isn't fair to you, because now you have a big decision to make. Fold or Fight. It sadly is that simple. To Fold would be that you suck it up and accept it, and it certainly doesn't appear that this is the best solution for you or your marriage. The other option is to Fight, which means that you have to bring out the "big guns" to protect your marriage. Your H is unwilling (so far) to do this for you.

The "Big Guns" simply means that it's her or you. No compromise. If he wants to continue the friendship with her, he must leave you. You will accept nothing less. He either leaves the marital home to think about it, or you do. There is no room for her, especially once the baby is born.

As to her "common law husband" that you mentioned in your first post. What is his position on this? Is he aware of how much she depends on your H and how much it hurts you? Is it possible that he could add some input into this to keep his "wife" away from you H?

You "frightened" her? Apparently not enough to turn her into a big girl and stop calling your H. This EA runs deep. Way too deep. It's all or nothing. You are his wife. You are having his child. You want it over. You want your H to yourself. She is not family, never was, and never will be. Your H needs a new project, and not this piece of work.

I wish there was a magical way to "poof" her out of your life, but there is not. Your H won't do this for you, which leaves the only alternative in your court. You have the full support of strangers here, who would not tolerate such a person involved in our own marriages. I sincerely hope that you find the strength to act to save your marriage. I fear that if you "fold", this will get much, much worse.

 

[survivorwife]

I appreciate all the input and advice more than I can express in words.

Since posting a couple of hours ago, he has gone to Home Depot and bought supplies for a project he was going to do for me 6 months ago. He's working on it now. He says he just wants me to be happy. He says he'll cut all ties with the OW and mentioned a couple other things that make me miserable that he wouldn't change. Silly little things, but they add up and one big thing that should have made me walk out the door over 2 years ago.

I asked if he could really promise those things and still move forward without resentment. He said he would try.

I don't know at this point how much of what he said is sincere and how much of it is him trying to fix it quick before I pack my bags.

If he finishes this project - he's known for starting things and giving up after about 2 hours - I will believe he means to try in other areas as well. If he gets flustered and throws in the towel or takes a 6 hour video game break, I will assume he was trying to win my affections with a valiant display of puffery.

If he keeps to his word, it will still a long time for me to trust him again in certain areas. I know he's expecting him to promise the moon and the stars and have me swoon at his oaths of loyalty and affection, but I simply can't just forgive and forget after such a nightmare. We'll see.

I sincerely wish you the best.

Off topic: Even though it's not part of your discussion here,would you please come back and tell us when the baby is born? "Auntie Survivorwife" will be waiting to hear the good news.

 

[survivorwife]

I will gladly keep you guys posted on the baby! I'm due mid-September and I'm getting bigger everyday. Thanks again for all your help and advice!

The OW texted my husband twice over the weekend. She was supposed to be out of town and we were supposed to go up and visit his mother and other friends. The OW apparently got home early if she left at all and immediately contacted my husband to try to see him. He didn't reply as far as I can tell. We ended up staying home anyway so she wouldn't have gotten to see him regardless.

My husband spent all weekend working on his project. I eventually joined him and we did a lot of work together. I'm weak and awkward these days (pregnant and 105 degrees, it's a wonder I survived!) and he made me rest a lot, but it was a great team building exercise and we got a lot accomplished. As long as he really does cut ties with the other woman, I think we can move forward. It will take a LOT of time and I will probably be insecure about this for months, but I'm willing to work towards trusting that this issue is resolved.

If it comes up again in any way, shape or form I'm out. I am going to go to therapy on my own as my husband still refuses couples counseling. I decided to give it until the new year to make any huge decisions unless there is a major issue in the next few months. I will give therapy a try and I will give my husband time to prove himself and keep his word. I will also see what parenthood does for us. Maybe having a child to tend to will help him realize that there just isn't room for a constantly needy "friend" when his family is looking to him to be there. Or maybe he'll run screaming into the OW's arms, but I don't feel that will be the case. Regardless, New Years is my time frame to see if this will work out for us.

Thanks again for all your words of wisdom, experience and advice! I hope I can report back that we are a happy, healthy family soon!!

I'm looking forward to the good news!

Sounds like your H just may have potential! It's good to learn that he is doing things around the home, with you, as a family. Do men go through a "nesting" phase? Anyway, it could be that he's a bit of a stubborn sort. Won't do what you want, but will consider your wishes and decide for himself (saving face). You could be winning here without even knowing it (yet).

I have a feeling that if this trend continues, she will be history (at least I hope so).

I'm looking forward to hearing if he continues to "nest" with you and pushes this OW to the back of the line.

 

[survivorwife]

I think you'll find this thread to be interesting reading:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51337-girlfriend-dosnt-like-my-friend.html

He was mad at his live in girlfriend for making him (after 5 years) choose between her and his best friend (girl) who he apparently spent all his nonsexual free time with. Now the best friend wants to marry him and have his babies.

:iagree:

This ^^^^^

I was thinking of the OP while reading this other thread. So familiar, and we can actually read the results of the "friendship" in regards to this other story. Turns out that the "friend" (in that case) wants more than a friendship, and the "gf" (in that case) was correct and her instincts were sound. The OP (in that case) had no idea until "it" hit the fan.

So yes, OP, I believe that your instincts are sound and that sadly you may have to do something extreme to wake your H up, since increasing your counseling sessions isn't alerting him to your very real concerns. I'm glad to know that you do have a support system in place, and that you and the pregnancy are doing well.

We are still here for you.

 

[survivorwife]

My husband leaves tomorrow for his trip back home. He has contacted several people trying to make plans to see as many of them as possible. He has called and texted the OW, in addition to his Facebook message to her on 7/28, in attempts to see her sometime this weekend.

Naturally, when we speak about the trip, her name hasn't come up once. Which only serves as a reminder that he doesn't care about my feelings at all. I truly believe that he doesn't see anything wrong with seeing her, but he also knows he will be "in trouble" if he gets caught going against my wishes. I think he sees me as "Mean Mommy" these days.

It's so very frustrating. Especially when I already see his rationale if he gets caught.

1) If he stays at her house= "I was drunk and couldn't drive" or "her husband was there"
2) If he spends time alone with her= "She was the only person available for lunch"
3) If he spends time out and about with her with other friends= "We weren't alone, there were a bunch of people hanging out!"

Basically, anything short of blatant sexual activity is not cheating in his mind and my "irrational jealousy" and pregnancy related hormones are to blame according to him.

I never put my foot down on his relationship with this woman because I always thought I could if I needed to. The fact that I just now discovered that I never had a leg to stand on is what hurts the most. He doesn't respect me, he never has.

So, according to your H, the only purpose you serve in his life is to meet his sexual needs? And this OW, she is there for companionship and friendship; something that is not part of your role as his wife? Is that how he sees things? I am so sorry that he still doesn't see what is right in front of him, a loving wife. Shame on him.

1. If he stayed at his own home with you, this would not be an issue.

2. If he had lunch alone, that would be a problem? When you are not with him, does he really need another person for company?

3. "A bunch of people hanging out" - has he grown up yet?

I know I'm preaching to the choir as it is painfully obvious that you get it. As for solutions, I believe that you mentioned earlier about staying with your family or, in other words, leaving the home. Perhaps if he actually came to realize just how much he stands to lose in keeping this OW around, he might finally "get it". He is obviously emotionally involved with this OW, and she knows it and doesn't care. He can't really be that dense can he?

I suppose that sometimes you just have to draw the line in the sand and that he must face real consequences in order to actually see what this is doing to your marriage. You've told him. He's not listening. It may be time to take action, however the baby and your well being come first, so please take care of yourself first. I believe that, once you have taken a hard line, he will choose you but unfortunately you have to be the "grown up" and teach him that certain lines should not ever be crossed.

I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you are not wrong and it isn't the hormones responding to all of this. This OW is coming in between you and your H and he is refusing to see it. He is being selfish and immature and stubborn, but is it worth it to him to lose you over it? Is he willing to take that gamble? Perhaps you need to find out.

 

[survivorwife]

Somewhere in his head he is convinced that I will lawyer up and keep him from ever seeing his child. That I will raise her to hate him and make into some kind of monster. This is so far from the truth that I couldn't believe he would even make the accusation. I want our child to feel secure that we both love her, wanted her more than anything else in the world and are so happy to have her in our lives. There is no hatred here, nothing malicious. I just can't stay with a man who doesn't love me enough to put my needs ahead of his wants. It was suggested by a family member that if I leave him, he might very well speak ill of me to our child so he is concerned I am equally petty. I don't know.



Thanks

Just a thought, but.....

I wonder if the OW put these thoughts in his head.

You see, I am currently separated from my WH, who happens to have several women who he talks to on his cell phone daily. Still does. I have no idea what thoughts they put in his head about me, based on "his version" of me. But I can tell you this much. His actions have been downright cruel, as if I was the one who cheated on him. I don't believe that on his own he would have thought of those things, but I do strongly believe that he is acting on what the OW whisper in his ear. And yes, since he is the one doing the acts, I hold him responsible.

So you see, these might not be "his" thoughts, but "her" thoughts being whispered in his ear behind your back. Those OW - all of them - are poison to a marriage.

 

[survivorwife]

Similar situation with my stbx and his girls at work...doesn't really have a thought on his own but if he hears something from any of them, it is the truest of the truth out there....even if it is about me or his marriage.

From the way the OP described what her H thinks will happen if they split up, it seems rather obvious that he has spoken to someone else about his marriage, the baby, and what "could" happen in the event of a separation. WTF? What married man with a baby coming even thinks about the end of the marriage at a time like that? Unless (as you and I pointed out) the OW is poisoning his mind.

Are they (H & OW) talking about the OP's "hormones"? How emotional she is at this time? How dare HE even bring that up with the OW!

My heart goes out to the OP and I am having problems posting some of these thoughts because the last thing I want to do here is to hurt the OP. I'm on her side 100% and if she were my bff, I would try to gently as possible convey the same thoughts and hope that I'm wrong.

 

[survivorwife]

I thought that if I leave him, I might write his family a letter. Something really simple and non-specific but clearly explaining that I left over another woman and not whatever crap he spouts when they ask. I know I will be painted in a negative light to his family and friends, but I need them to know that I was willing to work on it, to try, that I was in therapy trying to fix things but he was cheating on me. I worry that everyone will tell our daughter that I'm crazy, unstable, or evil in some way when she spends time with his side of the family. If they know there was infidelity, maybe they will hold back the judgement a little bit. If we can't figure this mess out, I want there to be a stable environment for our child to grow up in.

:iagree:

Absolutely yes! Do the letter with an explanation of how this affair is affecting your relationship. Save a copy for your attorney, as evidence that you did not simply abandon the home nor are you overreacting. Write the letter with that in mind, citing facts in which you conclude that you can't stay in the marriage while he is involved with the OW. If your posts here are any indication of your ability to write such a letter, you will do just fine.

I wrote a similar "time line" email to my WS before I left, which clearly lists, item by item the things he was doing and how he was hurting me. I gave him the opportunity to address the issues, but he did nothing. Then I left him. He tried to say now (through his attorney) that I "abandoned the marital home", but my email, along with the evidence I had gathered, told a whole different story. I left him because of "extreme emotional abuse" and am able to prove it. All of it helps if you will be needing spousal support. Child Support is non-negotiable.

Please continue to keep us posted. Stay strong and take care of yourself. It's good to know that your own family is behind you.

 

[survivorwife]

Thank you for that. I will wait and see how this weekend goes and decide from there what to do.

I suppose at this point, I will be leaving for certain. I have an appointment with an attorney to discuss my rights since crossing state lines with our child will likely require paperwork.

If he spends the night at her house- whether her husband is there or not- I will leave now. Heck, there can be a big slumber party with 30 people and I will still pack my bags. Because that was the ONE thing I asked of him in the very beginning before I realized the extent of their relationship. I think I can legally go wherever I want without his consent as long as I'm still pregnant. Once the baby is here, I think I have to remain in our state of residence unless there are legal documents in place.

I might leave now regardless because even if he doesn't see her at all this weekend, it wasn't for lack of trying. I am so unhappy and I feel so betrayed that just sitting here watching him act like nothing is wrong while I go to therapy twice a week just makes me feel worse. It isn't fair to the baby for me to be this stressed all the time. Leaving would be stressful but at least I would be at home with my family instead of here with a man who doesn't respect me. I feel really isolated.

My husband makes it hard because he does petty things to hurt me like turning off the AC, hiding things I use daily like my hair brush, etc. Just really weird little things that feel a lot like threats. He's immature and he feels like I'm the bad guy for making an issue out of things. But the AC thing was super petty. He never touches it, not in 7 years of being together has he messed with it. But it's 90 degrees or higher each day and pregnancy makes it feel like it's 1000 degrees. He turned off the AC and then acted sympathetic when I didn't feel well. He convinced me it was just me and I had to discover for myself that the house was 85 degrees when I went downstairs for something in the middle of the day. I was literally in bed monitoring my temperature because a fever during pregnancy is a big, scary deal. So yeah, really petty and really unnerving responses. He thinks I'm in therapy to change him and refuses to go for any reason. And he knows that I'm talking to my mother and sister for support through this. I don't advertise anything to him, but he's not stupid.

Anyway, I will see how this weekend goes, speak to an attorney about my rights regarding the baby, and go from there.

Yes, you could leave now and stay with your family in their State. Then, you could also consult with an Attorney in their State. If you remain there at your family's home, and have the baby in that State, you could potentially have the right to sole custody in the sense that he could not "demand" that you come home. Generally, as the mother of a newborn, he would not be allowed to remove the child from your care, but of course he would have the right to visit the baby. An attorney could explain your rights better than I could, but leaving now, before the baby is born, sounds like a good choice.

In the meantime, keep your documents in a safe place for a quick departure. Have plenty of cash on hand and gas in your vehicle. He is starting to sound rather evil (diabolical) so it might be wise not to let him know of your intentions. Trust your family to help you with what you need done.

And you are right. He has done nothing to help you with the stress that he created. You have the right to protect yourself and the baby.

 

[survivorwife]

Just a quick note regarding the above. Yes, he will have equal rights to the baby once she's here, but if you're going to move, I would do it now. That he's already talking about things like "fighting for the baby" is worrisome. Right now, there is legally no baby and he can't stop you from moving. Once the baby is born, if you separated from him and attempted to move, you could find yourself stuck living near him indefinitely if he files for custody/visitation in your current jurisdiction...unless you give up custody in order to move. It happens. And it's much more likely to happen if he's aggressive about the issue, which it sounds like he might be.

In general (not sure if there are any state exceptions), the state the baby is born in has jurisdiction for any custody matters. There's no waiting 6 months to establish residency or anything like that because the child isn't considered to have lived in another state even if you spent your pregnancy in another state up until the day you delivered.

If you move before the baby is born, you should be able to file for temporary custody in your new state immediately after the birth, hopefully beating him to the punch. He would have to go to Virginia for the proceedings. By my understanding, you could not be forced to move back with the child. However, if he filed for divorce in your current state before YOU meet residency requirements for Virginia and can file, yourself, you may have to handle divorce through your current state, but that's not as big a deal.

Sorry to interject all this into your thread. I know you don't want to keep your child away from him and I'm not in any way suggesting that, but the thought of you potentially getting stuck far away from your family support system as a single mom for 18 years just makes me shudder.

:iagree:

Hopefully the OP's attorney will explain this to her, as this is my understanding as well. Although her H will always be the child's father and have visitation rights, if she gives birth where her parent's live instead of the marital State, she will get the upper hand in the actually custody issue.

 

[survivorwife]

Prayers of support coming your way Astonefeather.

If it's any consolation at all, you did the right thing. And you and your baby will be just fine. And yes, when you are ready, you will find someone that loves not only you, but your baby as well. There are loving people "out there" that will put you first above all others.

So sorry too that losing your cat had to be the point in which you reached to decide it was time to leave.

And yes, you are probably right about the OW. She is obviously self-centered and has no feelings for anyone other than herself. Your H is a fool to let you go on such a false premise. My STBXH still remains in contact with two of his OW, going by his cell records. What an empty life the Hs have to rely on OW who are not emotionally vested in the course of their lives. But, if they choose those OW, they deserve them.

I hope this forum is giving you strength and that you feel the genuine concern that most of us "strangers" have for you at this time in your life. Although I don't "know" you, I have read your words and felt your pain and offer whatever comfort and friendship I can to you and hope that you know that your story has touched many of us here.

Your story continues. You are with your family and they love you unconditionally. Your baby will need you and I have no doubt in my mind that you will be a wonderful and loving mother and will do what is in the best interested of the baby.

As for your H, one of two things will happen. He will hit rock bottom and finally see the light and will do anything in his power to make things right. Or he won't. Either way, you have shown that you stand by your word and that you are a lot stronger than he or anyone else knew you could be.

Wishing you all the best and hope that you keep in touch. You have friends here. Take care.

 

[survivorwife]

Thank you Astonefeather for the update! It's always good to read that you are well and among family. You are a strong woman and, as time passes, you will know for a fact that you did the right thing by leaving.

So, he says he dumped the OW? Was that before or after she "counseled" him? The OW in my WH's life "counseled" him too (still do), and it worked out the same way it's working in your situation. So, according to OW in your situation, she was so hurt she forwarded you his emails? She sure does like to stir the pot. Pay her no mind. She is worthless, and probably still has her hooks in him while attempting to hurt you in the process.

I know you will have your ups and downs, but you made the right decision for you and your child. He doesn't get it and never will. The OW will unfortunately always be there for him and he knows it.

None of us are perfect. We all do things in our marriages that we probably should not have done. And you are right. You took steps toward fixing the problems that you created, and yet he did nothing to correct his end of the deal. Sadly, he is just not into fixing himself for the sake of your marriage. And no matter what you did or did not do in the marriage, you did not deserve to be treated the way he did with you. You and your baby deserve so much better.

Please continue to update us here as we all care about you and how you are doing with all of this.

 

[survivorwife]

Please do me a favor. Compile (not for here; just for yourself) a list of all of the neglectful and abusive behavior you suffered thru your pregnancy that led to your departure, with an eye toward assembling as accurate a timeline as possible... that way you have something to hand to or discuss with a lawyer when the time comes.

:iagree:

This is great advise! Yes!

Prepare for the "worse case scenario". A good offense is the best defense.

It's quite possible that he could get himself a pit-bull attorney, who will use the fact that the OP had to have counseling, whereas her husband did not. Therefore, they will conclude that the OP has mental and emotional issues, whereas her husband does not. This is the likely defense he will use to gain custody of the child.

However, if the OP prepares herself for this particular defense in advance, by having a chronological log of events/times where her H was abusive and/or neglectful, this paints a whole new realistic picture of why she went to counseling to save her marriage, and her H did not.

Also (and maybe I'm just being skeptical), I'm not so sure that the H cut ties with the OW, and that she isn't actively involved in counseling him. Yes, I read that the OW sent a copy of the NC letter, however, there is nothing to suggest that he understands what this did to his marriage, no effort on his part to reassure his W that it's over between them, no regrets, and really (at this point and from his point of view) any reason now for him to end it with the OW.

And finally, we too await the birth of the precious baby girl.

 

[survivorwife]

With regard to the OW stuff, he told me that he couldn't take me seriously because he thought I was exhibiting the traits of a paranoid schizophrenic. As in, the world is out to get me and the voices in my head tell me he's cheating. I wonder if he'll try to use that in court? At least I have been to a therapist who vouch for me and my intact mental faculties. The longer I stay away from him the more I deal with him and just think "what a ****" and move on. I've stopped snooping because it just doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do/say.


It won't be an issue for awhile, but I am building my case as best I can now.

Oh really? And where did he get HIS medical license with which to diagnose you? Are you saying he doesn't have one? Well then perhaps his experience in the psychological field. What? None on that either? Counseling experience then? No?

I think he should use that in court. Your attorney will eat him up for breakfast (and lunch too). :rofl:

Seriously, he has no basis and no experience with which to diagnose you. On the other hand, you have a therapist. You will be fine.

 

[survivorwife]

He called me today to ask me to help him make sure we could still reach each other on the phone. He decided to root his phone today which essentially wiped it clean. He wanted to make sure he had done it right and we would still be able to reach each other so he doesn't miss the call when I go into labor. He gave believable reasons for wanting to do this but all I could think was that he wanted to get all his texts, call logs, etc off his phone before coming up here. He'll be up here very soon and I'm sure he doesn't want me to get my hands on his phone. He knows I have snooped and I'm sure he doesn't want me to see the things he's discussed with the OW since I left. So, even if he legitimately needed to wipe his phone, I will never truly believe it. He also volunteered that he is setting up a google voice account. I use google voice for my business line. I'm sure he will use it with an email account that I don't know about and thus he can have a whole separate line that I cannot access. As I've said before, no matter how well we may get along in the coming weeks the trust is completely gone. I will doubt and suspect everything he does because he's given me no reason to believe his words.

I'm with you on this one. Call me old-fashioned, but it doesn't take any "technical magic" to be able to reach each other by phone. Either he calls you and you don't answer because you are in labor, or he calls your Mom, or your Mom calls him. He keeps his cell phone on so you can reach him or you give your family a list of his phone numbers. Not rocket science here. And sometimes one has to get creative.

When my water broke, my H took me to the hospital. I was examined and it was determined by the doctor to induce labor. My H went home, thinking he could get a nap before the baby came. Anyway, instead of napping, he was chatting on the phone with a family member about the impending birth. Long story short, I had to call a neighbor to walk down the street, tell him to get off the phone and back to the hospital as the birth was imminent. I was in labor for only 3 hours...lol And yes, he made it in time for the birth.

So yes, I agree that playing with his phone is just an excuse to do some creative security, nothing more than that.

And I am so happy to read that you are doing well in spite of the drama created by your WS and that you have the full support of your family. You will be just fine. :smthumbup: