[Maricha75]

Someone asked, but I didn't see a reply... why are YOU not going with him? Why can't you BOTH go, spend time with his mom, and he can help this woman with whatever fabricated emergency she has? He should NOT be leaving you alone at 7 months pregnant... not unless it is something ONLY HE CAN ADDRESS! You and I both know there are people in that town who could just as easily help her in these 'crises'. And waiting until the baby is born/ Oh HELL NO! Put your foot down NOW! There is NO reason a man should go running off to help some woman, leaving his PREGNANT wife at home, alone. Bad enough when it is before pregnancy... but during? If he doesn't stop now, it WILL continue after the baby is born. Bottom line, he needs to stop this behavior now, not later! Incidentally, if my husband tried this BS during my pregnancies, he WOULD have been told "the friend or me... and choose wisely"

 

[Maricha75]

My husband and I had a long discussion about the matter on a trip home to see my family for my birthday. 3 hours in the car each way allowed for a lot of talk time. He defended his friend and his fidelity. I explained many times over that I was never truly concerned about them having sex, but the fact that he was defending her like she had equal status was the problem in itself.

At one point he pulled off the road and called his friend. I was horrified and asked him not to make this is a discussion with her. It's our marriage, she doesn't get a say in it. He did it anyway while I just sat there and cried. He told her that I wasn't allowing him to see her anymore because I thought they were having a sexual affair- which is not the case at all! Then he handed me the phone which I started not to take, but then figured "what the hell" and explained to her my issues in a general way.

I said that I respect their 18 years of friendship, that I am not concerned about any sexual component to their relationship, but that I cannot accept that she reaches out to him for her every emotional need. That I cannot allow my husband to spend weekends alone with her regardless of how many other friends they see while he's up there. She cannot call EVERY DAY and she needed to find another support base. She did the whole "I understand" thing and then proceeded to give me marital advice!!!! I told her I was not going to have this conversation with her and hung up.

I tried a different approach with my husband the next day on our return trip home. I calmly gave examples of what he does for me as my husband- birthday trips, attending funerals, attending weddings, holding me when I'm upset, etc. Then I explained that she calls him for the EXACT same things despite the fact that she has her own husband. Because that's the issue. He seemed to understand it when he realized that she does ask him to attend funerals, weddings, etc with her. He said he wouldn't stay with her and that he was sorry.

I have now told them both as honestly as I am able that my husband isn't for sharing. He is going to be a father in September and the situation as it stands is unacceptable.

At one point I said "her or me" or something to that effect. I made it clear that I consider this an emotional affair and I will not be with someone who can't respect my feelings on this. Rational or not, the fact that he won't just walk away speaks volumes.

I did an immature thing and I snooped. For the first time in 7 years I looked through his cell phone.

He messaged her after we got home- after we had that horrible three way conversation on the side of the road the previous day and said "worst pregnancy tolerance ever"
She replied: " I'm afraid 2 talk 2 u. after that... that was upsetting. you're not coming r u 2"

He said: "No, not this weekend, unlikely but we'll see. I need to smooth things over big time. You are welcome and wanted to come down. I'll probably try and make it up next weekend instead since this weekend is"

She said: "Okay well that will be good u will get to see everyone. I'm out of town. I don't feel comfortable coming down at all anymore. I feel bad I made her so upset"


He has also spoken to her several times since we got home over the phone, but never when I was around apparently. True to his word he has been wonderful to me lately. When he mentioned plans to go home to see friends, I offered to accompany him. The "other woman" is apparently going to be out of town, but I still want to make an effort to see his friends and visit with his mother. He's not sure he wants me to go because I'm a "party pooper" which is exceptionally hurtful, but I guess true. I don't like to stay out until 2 am watching him party with his friends from high school, but I would do the best I can at 7 months pregnant to stay awake with him. I figured I would just go back to his mother's house while he was out late being social. But I've been emotional lately and he doesn't want me to ruin his good time it seems.

And to be completely honest, I'm not 100% convinced that his friend won't magically be in town and he won't accidentally forget his word and stay with her. Yes, her home is more comfortable. Yes, her home is closer to town. Yes, it would be the end of my ability to trust him again if he disregards my feelings and stays with her. It would quite possibility be the end of our marriage. I will not tolerate infidelity (even if he only considers sex cheating) and I will not tolerate abuse. This, in many ways, is both.

I've told him as much. It's all I can do. I thought I might message her before he leaves this weekend (or whenever he goes up there next) and say "Just as you do not feel comfortable in my home, I do not feel comfortable with my husband in yours. Please respect that" and I will tell him the same. His inability to just simply respect my feelings regardless of his personal take on things has been problem for years. But this is one where he'll have "let me have my way" or this marriage can't last.

Tell me if this sounds similar:

Him: [Maricha] saw text conversation and freaked out that she was gonna lose me.
Her: I'm sorry, maybe we should just stop talking. I don't want to cause trouble....
Him: No, no, she's ok with it, as long as there is no sexual talk at all.
Her: I just don't want to come between you...
Him: You won't, trust me... or more like you won't trust me.

A few days later, I found out EXACTLY how they felt. And I gave the ultimatum of her or me. He chose me, his wife, the woman he pledged to spend the rest of his life with. Yea, at one point, she actually said "no offense, but maybe now, she knows a little of how you felt"... and she even had the audacity to ask me "did you ever stop to think maybe I am the reason for his behavior now?".... EA, and it got squashed.... 12 years married and counting. And that b!tch is out.

 

[Maricha75]

I'm not sure how to bring it up without starting another huge fight. He's been better to me in the past few days than he has been in years. I know he's trying to ease my concerns, but it doesn't work that way. I know how much he loves and how much he loves our baby. But he just can't have his family and this friend if it's going to cause such a rift. He's asked me to give up male friends in the past. We broke up at one point in our relationship and I dated other men. One guy remained a friend after I got back together with my husband (it was before we were married). My husband didn't like the other guy being in communication with me, so I dropped him. I blocked him on Facebook and haven't seen in person in three years. The other guy did NOTHING wrong and I had ZERO interest in him romantically. We went on two dates and realized we were going to be buddies, nothing more. At some point the block on his ability to post on my Facebook was lifted. It could have been 2 years ago for all I know, but my friend made a joke about a post I made about a little while ago. I laughed out loud and my husband looked over and read it and got mad when he saw who had made me smile. So I reblocked him. Because even though my husband was being irrational in my my opinion, I respected him and our relationship enough to just drop the other guy with no questions. I pointed this out to him during our fight and he argued that since I officially dated this other guy it was different.

I decided that if he goes up there and stays with her, I will leave for a while. I run a business from home so it's hard to leave for more than a day at a time, but I will figure it out. But how do I follow up without being insane about it?

Technically speaking, he has dated this "friend" as well. You went NC with this old friend of yours, someone you dated, because HE was uncomfortable with it. You deserve the EXACT SAME RESPECT! I'd give the "her or me" again, and make it stick... And tell him the consequences of breaking the NC. This woman is NOT a friend of the marriage. Honestly, at this point, in pregnancy, I wouldn't feel comfortable with my husband being away UNLESS NECESSARY (i.e. WORK related). And don't let him get away with the "I guess I can't have any friends" bs either... It isn't ALL friends, only THIS friend, who has proven to NOT be a friend to the marriage.

 

[Maricha75]

I would recommend that you go ballistic on him. You call constantly. You tell him you are not feeling well. You need him. In short, you destroy their "fun" by inserting yourself into their little get together as often as you can by calling him with questions, problems, any little stupid thing to throw him (and her) off their game. How do you get away with it? Well, you are pregnant. What's he going to do?

Then, if he decides to cut his visit short and come home, you suddenly feel better. You see, "insane" is okay when you are pregnant!

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

[Maricha75]

ASF, when I first learned of what was going on with my husband and the OW, I said "I don't want to lose you." He assured me that I wouldn't. When I saw more suggestive texting, I still didn't put my foot down. I merely said "no sexual talking of any kind", and he was agreeable. But the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. I jumped every time he got a text. I felt miserable, sick to my stomach, you name it. It was a few days later when I said "her or me". He picked me.

The thing you need to stress to him is that he chose to marry you. You voiced concern about her incessant neediness over and over... I assume even before you married, right? You need to have the "her or me" talk with him. Remind him that he chose YOU to be his wife, best friend, partner FOR LIFE. If he tries to play the "I guess I can't have any friends" bull****, call him on it and tell him, "no, you can have friends... just not THAT friend." And, if he sees her, make sure he knows BEFOREHAND what the consequences will be (i.e. You will leave/divorce him). Don't back down, and don't let this continue.

 

[Maricha75]

He wants the three of us to sit down and talk. He says that her advice over the years about our relationship has been what has kept him trying. He says that if I make him drop this one friend, then next time it will be another friend and then another.

If her advice is what kept you two together, then he was relying on HER too much. Shocking, her advice gets him to stay there, gets him to think she's this great person. All the while, waiting to make her move. The advice SOUNDED good to him, because it came from her. Had she advised him to call it quits, he likely would have, right then and there.

He again keeps focusing on how it's not sexual - "she has no figure" "your boobs are bigger" etc like he isn't hearing me at all.

And.... boobs mean what, exactly when he isn't hearing what you are saying? Absolutely NOTHING!

He insists that I am first on his list. But he is first on hers. He doesn't believe that, naturally. She doesn't have time to reach out to other people if she's calling him morning, noon and night. He won't even take a break from his friendship.

No, if you were first on his list, he wouldn't jump every time she calls, sobbing over some stupid, made up emergency that only HE can fix.

I am pathetic. I am desperate not to lose the father of my child over this.

No, HE is pathetic because he refuses to see the truth.

I asked that he not call her and include her in plans when he goes home- he refused.

Of course he refused... he needs his fix.

I asked that he tell her she needs to back off and stop calling him with her problems- he wants to be available for her if she's in trouble.

And yet, he claims you come first? Riiiiiiight!

I asked that he not be alone with her in any circumstance- he argued that it was stupid that he should need a chaperone.

Right, and YOU shouldn't have to REQUEST such a thing...and yet, you need to. Funny that.

They apparently haven't spoken in several days. He said I "frightened her" when I spoke to her on the phone. He was right there. I was crying over my crumbling marriage and asked her to find another support system. When she tried to offer marital advice I said "I'm not comfortable having this conversation" and got off the phone. I didn't threaten her. I didn't call her names. I just blubbered for 4 minutes like a fool.

They haven't spoken? How does he know she was "frightened"? If she was REALLY afraid, she would back the fvck off! Like, when you first voiced concern.. No, she is playing the martyr..."poor me, I'm losing my "friend" because his wife caught onto my true motives"

But yeah, I'm the bad guy here. I asked my husband to take a break from his friend after she finally crossed the line. I had asked him for months to tell her not to call in the middle of the night. I have asked him for months to tell her to find help closer to home. She crossed the line when she started lying and crying to him. She crossed the line when she started coming after me with "I know your there, tell him to call me!" when he didn't respond right away.

My husband won't give up his friend. He claims innocence, says I'm the most important person in the world, cried when I said I can't just accept it.

Again, you have caught onto her motives. He's an idiot for feigning ignorance. If you TRULY come first with him, he's be willing to give up this needy b!tch. But you don't, so he won't.

Now, you have to play the "her or me" card.. or live with this ho attached to your husband. If you say "her or me" DO NOT BACK DOWN! My husband has female friends and I have male friends. The difference is he and I are BOTH friends with these people, and they are happy in their marriages/relationships. NOTHING even REMOTELY suggestive in the exchanges, and we are completely open. We don't run to OPPOSITE sex friends for relationship advice, unless it is the pastor/pastor's wife or parent figures we have known forever. I wish you luck, and you know you have our "ears" when you need us. And, you can PM me anytime.

ETA: Saw your update AFTER I posted this. I concur with survivorwife... there are a few "aunties" and maybe a few "uncles" who would like to know when the baby is born.

 

[Maricha75]

ASF,

I have to ask this... is there any one of his coworkers that you know well enough to contact yourself? I have a feeling he will make up a lame excuse as to why you won't be at the shower. If it were me, I would call one of them and say that you are at your mom and dad's, 4 hours away, and being heavily pregnant, it isn't feasible for you to attend. He said he is telling his coworkers. I think you are right that he sees this party as being all about him, not just the baby. Really, as close as you are to delivering, the shower COULD have been scheduled AFTER the baby is born. I had one after my oldest was born. I was unable to attend the one my mom planned for me because I had to have my son that day (pre-ecclampsia, had a c-section). But our church had one for us about a month or so after he was born. My point is, I think your therapist (?) is right. He doesn't see this as permanent. He needs a dose of reality. Don't air it on Facebook, but certainly don't HIDE it if anyone asks. Tell people you are separated. That will make it real for him then.