[Astonefeather]

My husband and I dated for 5 years and have been married for 2. I trust him not to cheat on me sexually, but I wonder about his attachment to his friend.

My husband and this woman have been friends for 18 years. His closeness with her has made me uncomfortable from the start. Back when we were dating, he would have her over for "movie night" and they would watch movies in his closed bedroom all night long. I questioned their relationship back then, but he was never secretive about it and other friends would corroborate that there was nothing between them physically.

She's kind of a "guy's girl" - primarily has male friends, loves to go out drinking, burps, farts, etc in public without shame. She's smart, funny, and outgoing. I tried to maintain a friendship with her because she is important to my husband. After my first issues were resolved, I got over my concerns and accepted her as just another of my husband's many friends.

HOWEVER, since around the time my husband and I got married (2 years ago), she has been extremely needy and demanding of his time. We moved to a neighboring state, but live about 4 hours from her so visits aren't impossible. She has a common law husband that she been with for years, she has a large family and many friends local to her yet she calls my husband at all hours of the night and day for his help dealing with her problems.

He has been pretty good about more or less avoiding her calls, emails, texts, facebook messages, etc because he doesn't seem to like being smothered by her. But she keeps upping the stakes and finding ways to make him feel compelled to go see her. She's always relied on him to be her hero and I never had any jealousy or resentment, just a mild irritation that she doesn't find someone else to hold her hand through life's many hiccups.

I am currently seven months pregnant with our first child. I am no longer comfortable with my husband leaving me for days at a time to help his friend deal with her every day life. I haven't once said "you can't see her" or "it's her or me" or anything along those lines. But when she called him crying and demanding he go up there right away and he agreed to go up there. Since her reasons for needing him are becoming increasingly far-fetched (she think she has a brain tumor and her house was robbed but there is no police report, etc), I asked that my husband stop staying with her. Her "lover" (common law husband) is out of town and it would be the two of them alone all weekend. I don't think there is a sexual component in all of this, I think she is freaking out that her back up man and best male friend is now happily married and starting a family. But I also don't think it's fair that he stays with her and tends to her all night and day while he's in town. He used to stay with family, now he stays with this friend.

The level of "crazy" she has reached is really upsetting to me. She has started messaging me to get him to respond to her faster. "Tell him he HAS TO CALL ME, it's an emergency" or "I know your there, tell him to call me!" etc. I addressed it with my husband and expressed that I trust them not to be sexually intimate, but that he needs to talk to her about this. He agrees that once the baby is here she can't be doing this, but he also insists that staying with her is no big deal because her house is really comfortable and closer to town than his other housing options when he goes up there.

What it has come down to is the fact that he promised not to stay in her house this weekend when he goes up there again. He promised to stay with his mother who is very much looking forward to seeing him. But then I heard him on the phone telling his friend to "get the guest room ready for him" and making plans. I confronted him and he tried to make me feel silly for worrying. At this point, is the fact that he is choosing his own laziness (wanting a nicer room to bunk in) and her needs for his attentions over the simple request of his concerned wife grounds for claiming emotional infidelity?

I don't know what this will do to our relationship if he lies to me and stays with her anyway. I have told him so. I don't know what else to do. I feel like he gets a huge ego boost being the man she calls on despite her having many other options that are much closer. He's always liked being the hero and he always will. But with this particular friend, I am extremely uncomfortable. It's creating a lot of negative tension and he won't make any effort to do anything about it. Right down to telling me what I want to hear and planning to do what he wants anyway. To me, that feels like cheating.

 

[*LittleDeer*]

Oh my goodness.

I cannot believe that he even tries to justify this friendship. If it was a male friend it would be beyond inappropriate, so just because she has a vagina you are supposed to turn a blind eye to his bad decisions and putting a friend above your marriage.

It is a total cop out to say if you have concerns that you would be insecure or jealous. And they would be normal emotions to have any way.

Your husband leaves you, his pregnant wife, for days at a time to stay with a pushy, bossy rude 'friend' who uses him when her own spouse is gone for comfort etc.


Either you come first or she does.

Also no man or woman bends over back wards for someone they have no extreme emotional ties to or no sexual attraction. it's either one or the other or both. Those are supposed to be reserved for you now, not her.

BTW, why aren't you spending the weekend there with him?

Tell him his actions are making you lose respect for him as a man. Areal man has good boundaries with friends and puts his family first, and he doesn't have to be pressured into it, he knows where he stands and he takes his priorities seriously.

 

[NextTimeAround]

**** Since her reasons for needing him are becoming increasingly far-fetched (she think she has a brain tumor and her house was robbed but there is no police report, etc), I asked that my husband stop staying with her. Her "lover" (common law husband) is out of town and it would be the two of them alone all weekend.****

something I learned from my collapsed marriage.......do not underestimate a man's need to take care of the vulnerable.

Ask him what you should do in an emergency when he's away. And simply tell him that you are not happy when he leaves you like that.

If that doesn't work, hmmmm, but one thing is certain, I would do whatever I could to get this woman out of YOUR (plural) life.

 

[survivorwife]

For your H to include this particular friend among his other friends, to have dinner with this friend (with other friends) or a simple phone call is not cheating.

HOWEVER, when she calls and he jumps, and he stays at her home alone, and becomes her "knight in shining armor" (at her beck and call) then yes, he most certainly is crossing the line since he is now married to you. There are boundaries that she appears to demand that he cross, and his "knight in shining armor" persona is willingly responding to this. This relationship is potentially dangerous as there appears to be "three in this marriage".

I often wonder (and forgive me for relating your situation to something so public) if the current Duchess of Cornwall, the notorious Camilla, didn't pull such "needy" stunts in order to maintain her relationship with Prince Charles while he was married to Diana. Camilla was married as well (and your OW is in a relationship). Camilla had a relationship with Charles before he married Diana (same as your OW). The "Couple" Charles/Camilla maintained that relationship throughout his marriage to Diana, and we see where that got them.

The point of the above reference is this. The OW is being manipulative and cunning; maintaining what she deems "her territory" (aka your H) in spite of your marriage to him. And, by your H's response, he appears to be accepting the status quo. While your "knight in shining armor" might be innocent of any intention to be involved with this OW, She on the other hand has other options (as you noted) and using YOUR H for domestic duties is a blatant way of keeping him at her beck and call. Using YOU to make sure HE calls HER is also overstepping the line as well. You and your H are a married couple now and the rules have changed.

You should absolutely insist that your H stay at his family's home, not her home. You should further insist that he not attend to her alone, but bring a family member or friend. If he absolutely must help the poor dear , either you should accompany him or someone else should. Make it difficult for them to be together alone.

Please keep us updated here as I understand your concerns.

 

[Astonefeather]

I've mentioned to him as well that the gender has little to do with it. I would be just as upset and uncomfortable if it was a male friend calling him at all hours and demanding frequent visits.

My husband doesn't see this as anything other than spending time with a friend. He intends to see other friends while he is away and often does when he goes up there. I really do trust him not to cheat, but at the same time it feels like he already is. I sort of figured that wife (pregnant wife, no less) trumped childhood friend when it came to this sort of thing, but apparently we have equal footing.

I'm sure if I cried and asked him to stay, he would. But I don't want to be that person. Plus he would resent me for it I'm sure.

My biggest fear is that now that I have laid down the law regarding him staying under the same roof as her, that he will do it anyway. I'm so hormonal and emotional right now that it feels like it will be the end of my ability to trust him if he can't do this one thing for me. It's been a problem in our marriage that he does what he wants to do no matter what my thoughts are on the matter. But this is in a different category than my usual complaints.

I work from home and can only leave for a day at a time. I plan to go up for a night this weekend, but he will be up there Thursday through Sunday.

 

[NextTimeAround]

I suppose if you wanted to get really aggressive, you could, in the name of being helpful, call around to other people that you and she know in common, asking if they can help her because it's really not feasible for you and your husband to do so.

It depends on how much your husband is determined to "choose" his friends as to how he will react to that. But one thing is certain, that situation can't continue as is. And I feel certain that she will escalate it further.

 

[Astonefeather]

Is this something that is considered infidelity? Or does it get a different label?

All I know is that if he promises not to stay with her and does so anyway, I will never trust him again. And that's a pretty big problem. Knowing my husband he will do what he wants to do and then say "I didn't feel well and I needed to stay in town" or something to excuse the fact that he blatantly disregarded my feelings on the matter.

Maybe if I address it with her? But I worry that will make it just a big dramatic mess of stupidity.

 

[NextTimeAround]

Is this something that is considered infidelity? Or does it get a different label?

All I know is that if he promises not to stay with her and does so anyway, I will never trust him again. And that's a pretty big problem. Knowing my husband he will do what he wants to do and then say "I didn't feel well and I needed to stay in town" or something to excuse the fact that he blatantly disregarded my feelings on the matter.

Maybe if I address it with her? But I worry that will make it just a big dramatic mess of stupidity.

I have tried open honest discussion in the past and it has only backfired on me. These people don't play fair. You disclose how you feel; you try to get them to make the same disclosure; you try to negotiate; gain agreement and move forward.

It just doesn't work. there are times when the one who is looking to negotiate is viewed as the weaker part. and as the say in the Miranda rights: anything you say can and will be used against you in the (social) court of law.

Let's strategise here
1. You are married to him. so this is not a fly by night relationship.
2. You are carrying his baby. One would hope that even the grandparents and other in laws will be interested in helping to create a stable home life.

Tell your husband you do not like him taking time off to help this woman and that you will ask around to see if other people in the neighbour hood can help. and then do just that.

 

[Astonefeather]

Okay, I will give that a whirl!

 

[Humble Pie]

You might have mentioned it, but why is your husband going back to this "town" where both his mother and friend live? Business? Pleasure? Just for this friend?

As you stated, they are very close, I assume like brother and sister since there is no physical interaction between them and they have know eachother for 18 yrs. so I am sure he is just looking out for her. However, he can do that at his own home, on the telephone.

You are now pregnant, he definately should not be attending this woman's every need, that is a huge problem. He needs to address this with her immidately. I think until he does the friend will continue to pursue his comfort.

Ask him to talk with her about this and see if that will change. If not maybe she needs a wake-up call from you. Sometimes woman are so distracted with themselves, she might not be thinking about your needs or concerns.

 

[survivorwife]

Is this something that is considered infidelity? Or does it get a different label?

All I know is that if he promises not to stay with her and does so anyway, I will never trust him again. And that's a pretty big problem. Knowing my husband he will do what he wants to do and then say "I didn't feel well and I needed to stay in town" or something to excuse the fact that he blatantly disregarded my feelings on the matter.

Maybe if I address it with her? But I worry that will make it just a big dramatic mess of stupidity.

No, I would not address it with her. That gives her power and control in your marriage, which I suspect is what she wants. What needs to happen is that you and your H make such decisions in your household without including her as a party to those decisions. Once you actively include her in "family" discussions, I suspect she will take advantage of this new position and find new means of controlling BOTH you and your H.

 

[warlock07]

Ask him if he would be ok if you spent as much time with a guy friend of yours and be intimate with him as much she is with him? Not sure about the infidelity, depends on what they speak but you definitely should be wary. The signs don't look good.

 

[NextTimeAround]

Ask him if he would be ok if you spent as much time with a guy friend of yours and be intimate with him as much she is with him? Not sure about the infidelity, depends on what they speak but you definitely should be wary. The signs don't look good.

I understand where you're coming from. but i tried this tact when I was married, it always came across as spiteful. And well, since I'm divorced, this line of thinking didn't really work.

I think it's better to follow the spouse's line of thinking. If, like in this case, the husband believe that she really does need help, then the wife could do everyone a favour by finding people closer to her who can help her.

 

[Cosmos]

Your husband is investing way too much time in this woman and her problems, and it's unreasonable of him to expect you to be happy about him going to stay with her.

Frankly, this sort of friendship is too close to be allowed to continue when either one of the parties (or in this case, both) enters into a committed relationship.

She's overstepping the boundaries of, even, a same sex friendship, and your husband needs to put on the brakes.

 

[golfergirl]

I would lay it on the line exactly what he will do if he stays with her. He will shatter your trust and prove she comes first over you. Before he goes, I would address strongly the outcome should he lie.
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[moxy]

She's trying to up the ante and be a girlfriend. This is definitely an emotional affair.

You should tell him to choose the marriage or his wannabe girlfriend.

People like this make me want to vomit. Your husband is too busy playing knight to the damsel in distress to see where his priorities should be.

This is definitely worth leaving over, if he can't get his loyalties properly aligned because it will only worsen.

 

[NextTimeAround]

She's trying to up the ante and be a girlfriend. This is definitely an emotional affair.

You should tell him to choose the marriage or his wannabe girlfriend.

People like this make me want to vomit. Your husband is too busy playing knight to the damsel in distress to see where his priorities should be.

This is definitely worth leaving over, if he can't get his loyalties properly aligned because it will only worsen.

this s why I think quite often that men need someone to save. Women who come across as too independent and self-sufficient have these problems.

 

[Maricha75]

Someone asked, but I didn't see a reply... why are YOU not going with him? Why can't you BOTH go, spend time with his mom, and he can help this woman with whatever fabricated emergency she has? He should NOT be leaving you alone at 7 months pregnant... not unless it is something ONLY HE CAN ADDRESS! You and I both know there are people in that town who could just as easily help her in these 'crises'. And waiting until the baby is born/ Oh HELL NO! Put your foot down NOW! There is NO reason a man should go running off to help some woman, leaving his PREGNANT wife at home, alone. Bad enough when it is before pregnancy... but during? If he doesn't stop now, it WILL continue after the baby is born. Bottom line, he needs to stop this behavior now, not later! Incidentally, if my husband tried this BS during my pregnancies, he WOULD have been told "the friend or me... and choose wisely"

 

[Thorburn]

First of all I understand where you are coming from, but, you allowed a friendship to continue that should have ended years ago. It is not a good relationship, you know that, but you allowed it and actually by your actions promoted it. Now you are seeing the light. As an outsider this relationship should have ended when you started dating.

 

[badbane]

I agree with Maricha at this point this whole situation is going to lead to you resenting him. Plus I don't believe a word this girl is saying. It sounds like she and he have and emotional attachment. These usually lead to something more. Stop this now before something irreparable happens. You are not on equal footing and show him you mean business. This woman is obviously not wanting to just be friends. I pretty much talk to my childhood best friend once a month. Why? because we have lives separate from each other. This guy is emotionally attached otherwise it would be easy as hell to tell a friend to just back off. Friends respect boundaries.