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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We have been married 20 years this April. 23 together. We have had gr8 times and not so gr8, but always new our love for eachother would get us to the other side. We have 2 beautiful daughters together, and I have a son from first marriage. So here is what I need your help on. Last Oct 1st we went back to his home state for vacation and we brought back his former drummer. His daughters and I knew he was comming home with us. But hubby never asked our thoughts and feelings we just figured hes the man of the house he knew what he was doing. Knowing this drummer use to have a drinking problem, hubby assured me it was all good now.So he gets here and does not seek employment just wants to play drums in bands to make his money. As I pointed out to him and hubby that that was not going to be enough to pay his bills, rent and such...the situation just got more tence. The drummer would drink and get drunk infront of my kids and act weird...I asked hubby to please ask him not to drink around the kids...and at our home. The drummer proceded to do just that...after being asked a few times by my hubby. Then on New Years eve, The drummer got so drunk he was not even aware of anything going on. I ask my hubby to put him to bed..being that our children had friends over and did not want him aound them as well. He was trying to come out of the bedroom we put him in and I asked him to please jusy lay down...he pushed me just hard enough that if there had not been a wall behind me I would have fallen down. Drummer prosedes to walk into my other daughters bedroom saying he had to use the bathroom...I call for hubby to take care of this...and well drummer just wonders around the house..and outside..till he came in and passed out. I told my hubby he has to go...living here rent free for over 3 months and disrespected myself my hubby and our childrens home. Well I had to make him leave...great hes gone...but here is the kicker...now my hubbies band wants this guy to drum in thier band. I have been going out to hear my hubby for 23 years and feel I have earned the right to be there. I shared this with hubby that I did not feel comfortable with him being there as well.....he said he was not going to be. Hubby talks to the other band mates and well...they said their wives do not tell them what to do with thier bands....so yes you have guessed it he is still playing in the band and I have not been out to hear hubby since...he keeps promising me that this will be resolved...but hubby still wants him in the band...because hes a good drummer. Hubby thinks I am making him choose between me and his music....I am not I just want that drummer not to be involved as he disrespected my intire family. So...what are your thoughts....Thank you for reading.... signed...trying to save our marriage
 

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OK Rosy, I registered on this forum, tonight, as I am in great despair over my relationship with my wife and was going to write about my deal... but, your post motivated me to respond as this seems like a strange situation to me. It seems to me, that your husband was NOT proactive about protecting you and the children when his drummer friend took so many unacceptable liberties in your home. Even if my best friend (aside from my wife) had done those things to my family, in my home, I would have tossed his ass out onto the street (assuming that I didn't just beat him outright) and told him GOOD RIDDANCE! That being said, you probably are, in his mind, overstepping a boundary by making him choose. I recommend that you tell your husband that he must chastise the drummer for his horrific behavior and DEMAND that the drummer apologize to you (in person). His number one job to you and your children is to protect you..... PERIOD!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Re: needing mens perspective!

OK Rosy, I registered on this forum, tonight, as I am in great despair over my relationship with my wife and was going to write about my deal... but, your post motivated me to respond as this seems like a strange situation to me. It seems to me, that your husband was NOT proactive about protecting you and the children when his drummer friend took so many unacceptable liberties in your home. Even if my best friend (aside from my wife) had done those things to my family, in my home, I would have tossed his ass out onto the street (assuming that I didn't just beat him outright) and told him GOOD RIDDANCE! That being said, you probably are, in his mind, overstepping a boundary by making him choose. I recommend that you tell your husband that he must chastise the drummer for his horrific behavior and DEMAND that the drummer apologize to you (in person). His number one job to you and your children is to protect you..... PERIOD!
 

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It's perfectly reasonable to not have him in your home, but I don't think you can choose your husband's band for him. There are other band members who have a say. What wife anywhere gets a say in who her husband's co-workers are? He is out of the house now?
 

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Those damn drummers, everyone knows that theyre twice as bad as singers and guitar players. lol
 
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Yes...I think you held the line on protecting your family and I hope that guy is out of your house. Your husband was WAY too passive about that for my tastes, but he finally got the message.

Now...the band has the right to hire who they want. YOU want to force the husband to strong arm all his band mates....but the guy is out of the house. This isn't really your turf. Every band remembers Yoko Ono. :D They do NOT want wife drama in the band. What's next, telling them to get REAL jobs and stop banging groupies? (Teasing)

Okay...here is the conversation I would have with him.

"Look...I am not going to tell the band who should and shouldn't play in it. That's up to you guys. You think he's great? Fine. He has to be good at SOMETHING.

But when I let you bring him into the house, you assured me we would be safe and he would be cool. He wasn't. He betrayed our hospitality, he sponged off our finances, and he embarrassed us and was a threat to the safety of your wife, your daughters and your home! I didn't do this. HE did. He betrayed your trust in him."

"Now, I think it's admirable of you to be so loyal to your friend...but at this point, you need to weigh which you want to be more loyal to: him or your family. I am not going to the gigs because I hate you. I am not going to the gig because I don't want HIM to try to nice his way back into our house and I don't want YOU to think that it's okay for him to come back to OUR house. He had his chance and he blew it....BIG TIME!"

"I can see the writing on the wall. He's going to have another personal emergency because he's a drunk and you will naturally want to rescue him. Let me tell you, that is YOU picking HIM over your FAMILY. Because we know who he is."

"Now" Smile at this point" If you were making Lennon money, I'd put up with a lot more highjinks. But he's blown through a whole two years of stupid band crap in 3 months. I don't like him. MAYBE if he cleaned his act up and actually...you know PAID for his stay and was sober for three months, I'd rethink things, but as he is, no...I have two girls who are getting older and they have friends. Too risky."

"I want nothing to do with him socially, and I would like you to respect that. Can you do that for me?"

Then listen to him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you all for your input and advice on this drummer situation. As for my not likeing this drummer...we have a past..when he drumed for my hubbies band like 11ish years ago...he had a drinking problem then. And I did then and do now have alot to do with the band I do bookings and such for them then and now. And back then I had to tear down that dang drum set every gig because he was to drunk to do so. Now I did not ask for him to kicked out of the band...but the other members were also tired of it. This guy has no license no car and no job, I had to pick him up for every gig and take him home 1hour away. I have never and honest would never make my husband choose between myself and music...he breathes music and I know that. I guess I just wanted him to stand up for myself and his family. Thank you all ....I am listening...for sure
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you all for your input and advice on this drummer situation. As for my not likeing this drummer...we have a past..when he drumed for my hubbies band like 11ish years ago...he had a drinking problem then. And I did then and do now have alot to do with the band I do bookings and such for them then and now. And back then I had to tear down that dang drum set every gig because he was to drunk to do so. Now I did not ask for him to kicked out of the band...but the other members were also tired of it. This guy has no license no car and no job, I had to pick him up for every gig and take him home 1hour away. I have never and honest would never make my husband choose between myself and music...he breathes music and I know that. I guess I just wanted him to stand up for myself and his family. Thank you all ....I am listening...for sure
 

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Thank you all for your input and advice on this drummer situation. As for my not likeing this drummer...we have a past..when he drumed for my hubbies band like 11ish years ago...he had a drinking problem then. And I did then and do now have alot to do with the band I do bookings and such for them then and now. And back then I had to tear down that dang drum set every gig because he was to drunk to do so. Now I did not ask for him to kicked out of the band...but the other members were also tired of it. This guy has no license no car and no job, I had to pick him up for every gig and take him home 1hour away. I have never and honest would never make my husband choose between myself and music...he breathes music and I know that. I guess I just wanted him to stand up for myself and his family. Thank you all ....I am listening...for sure
This sort of makes a difference. While you don't play an instrument, you ARE part of the band. But you only get TWO votes about who is or isn't in the band.

The first is your opinion as to whether the drummer should be in the band. That's one vote.

The other vote is whether YOU want to be part of it. You can show your displeasure by either (a) not supporting the drummer (rides, breaking down his kit) or (b) stopping all involvement with the band yourself.
 

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At a certain age you have to grow up and be a man.

This "band" stuff got in the way of your childrens (and your) safety.

Just not right.
 

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This is a tricky one.

I think your H acted week with the drummer in your house. I guess he had conflicting emotions about it but he should have kicked the drummer way earlier.

However, I don't think you could demand the drummer not being part of the band. There are more players in the band and it seems your H stated to the band that he didn't want the drummer there but got voted down. Not much you or he can do except him quitting the band and I think that that is a bit much to demand of him.

If I where you I would go listen to you H's band anyway and just never accnokwledge the drummer at all.
 

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"What do you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians?"

"A drummer"

Dadump/ Tshhhh

There is so many more.

I would make it clear to your husband that if he wants anymore friends to come and stay he needs to have a conversation with you about it before they are invited. That's respect.

Personally I have strict boundaries around substance abusing musicians. I won't tolerate it. Been there done that. At the end of the day they become dead weight and very unreliable.

As far as your vote goes for who is in the band. I suggest asking your husband what his personal policies are regarding substance abusing musicians. Everyone likes to have a drink once and awhile and thats cool and I'm not saying that no one should have a drink but..... Why musicians think it's cool to drink "on the job" I'll never know. Name another job you can go to drunk. How good of a time keeper is that drummer going to be if he's drunk of his as* all the time at gigs? Drumming and the back beat is the foundation of rock and roll. The drums are super important. I'm rambling.lol.
 
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