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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Actually, my husband had oft referenced this message board as a place to find what is normal in a marriage and what is not.

Title basically sums me up. �� 3 kids and I like to be active. Thanks!

I don't know if it's because I am new or what, but I am not able to reply or start a new thread.

Anyhow... Husband and I have been together for 21 years, 12 of those married. We have three kids, which I feel are a source of stress... I try so hard to keep things going smooth and I truly feel we co-parent pretty well.

The intimacy is there and we both realize how important it is. I would say on average, we are probably intimate about 3 times a week, maybe 4.

However, when I have my time of month, he becomes very upset with me and says there's something wrong with me that it is so heavy and won't listen when I tell him there are only 3 days I really cannot (too heavy), but he says he would rather wait until it's over. However, he says I ignore him for this time period, when really, I do my best to please him in other ways. However, if he is saying what a bad mom, bad wife I am, I feel so ashamed and it is making me feel depressed. But I still do my best.

I have started to become fearful when it's my time of month because last month he actually got mad I didn't tell him it started and he was surprised when I had to tell him before sex that I had my period and was it okay if I gave him a BJ instead.

I feel it's all I exist for. He gets mad I am at work all day because I might talk to coworkers. If I mention talking to my best friend at work (female), he will say, "oh, so you had time for her, but couldn't make time to call me?"

Mind you, I come straight home after work. I am nervous to be late and if I am finishing up a project and leave at 5:15, let's say traffic also is bad, I can feel the sweat all over my body because he will be passive aggressive and say he will just start taking the kids for walks without me because I only care about myself. Which isn't true. And makes me sad because I do like my family time.

I am afraid of the yelling, him throwing things, smashing glasses or plates (which after, I forget everything he said to me, or at least the details. I lose all the details.) I have become a master of keeping the peace but even that isn't working. I care about him. I love him. I think he loves me and the kids, but I can't just make my period go away.

We are each others' only partners, having been together this long, and I don't know if he knows what is average in a relationship for number of times of sex per week. Having talked to my gal friends, it would seem 3-4x a week is decent, but it isn't enough for him. I can perform just fine, as can he, but I have a hard time forgetting all the shame I feel for myself for even existing. I feel ugly and if I say that, he says all I care about are my looks, which isn't true!
 

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Tell your man to quit acting like a boy. Good grief. 3-4 times a week! The poor guy. A little self control and self mastery might be in order for him at this point in life. Next time he pulls that crap tell him you are off limits until he apologizes and starts to treat you like a wife instead of a carnival ride.
 

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However, when I have my time of month, he becomes very upset with me and says there's something wrong with me that it is so heavy and won't listen when I tell him there are only 3 days I really cannot (too heavy), but he says he would rather wait until it's over. However, he says I ignore him for this time period, when really, I do my best to please him in other ways. However, if he is saying what a bad mom, bad wife I am, I feel so ashamed and it is making me feel depressed. But I still do my best.
This is verbal and emotional abuse and it is unacceptable in a marriage between equal partners.

I have started to become fearful when it's my time of month because last month he actually got mad I didn't tell him it started and he was surprised when I had to tell him before sex that I had my period and was it okay if I gave him a BJ instead.
That fact that you are fearful when you have to turn him down for sex speaks to deeper issues in the marriage then how often he is getting sex.

I feel it's all I exist for. He gets mad I am at work all day because I might talk to coworkers. If I mention talking to my best friend at work (female), he will say, "oh, so you had time for her, but couldn't make time to call me?"

Mind you, I come straight home after work. I am nervous to be late and if I am finishing up a project and leave at 5:15, let's say traffic also is bad, I can feel the sweat all over my body because he will be passive aggressive and say he will just start taking the kids for walks without me because I only care about myself. Which isn't true. And makes me sad because I do like my family time.
In a healthy marriage, you are not afraid of your partner and your partner is not vindictive towards you due to traffic or working a few minutes later.

I am afraid of the yelling, him throwing things, smashing glasses or plates (which after, I forget everything he said to me, or at least the details. I lose all the details.) I have become a master of keeping the peace but even that isn't working. I care about him. I love him. I think he loves me and the kids, but I can't just make my period go away.
This sounds like you are experiencing a traumatic reaction of dissociation during these anger episodes of his. You are experiencing so much internal stress that you basically shut down in order to tolerate. It's a fight, flight or freeze response. Has he ever hit you?

We are each others' only partners, having been together this long, and I don't know if he knows what is average in a relationship for number of times of sex per week. Having talked to my gal friends, it would seem 3-4x a week is decent, but it isn't enough for him. I can perform just fine, as can he, but I have a hard time forgetting all the shame I feel for myself for even existing. I feel ugly and if I say that, he says all I care about are my looks, which isn't true!
I see a lot of issues here and I'm sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve to be belittled by your husband, blamed for having your period because it interrupts his sex life, he should not be yelling or throwing things or telling you that you are a bad mother or wife. What is making you accept this treatment from him? The fact that you do accept this makes me suspect you have a history of being mistreated by someone else, possibly a parent or have a very low sense of your own self-worth and may not believe you deserve better or can make it on your own. What are some things that you are proud of about yourself?
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thank you. To answer the last, I am proud of my hard work ethic. I feel successful in my career. I work hard in the gym and truly enjoy it. It is like a natural anti-depressant and I have been at it 6 years now.

Yes, my father was physically and emotionally abusive (thankfully not sexually) and hasn't been in my life for about 16 years now.

He hasn't struck me as in hit, physically in awhile now. More just grabbing, putting his hand over my mouth as he says things right into my ear, shoving some, a couple times he has put his hand around my neck but he didn't hold it long enough for me to not breathe.

He says he is depressed and blames me for having the kids, since I wanted them more. He enjoys his time with them. I just feel like everything running smoothly in the house falls on me. He is not open to any sort of counseling and says it's all psycho babble. He says men get mad and break things because they have testosterone and most people just don't talk about their issues so I don't know what's normal and what isn't, and that every relationship has issues. I am a dreamer for believing in a perfect relationship... Which is not true. I just don't think it's normal to get so upset that you throw things.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Tell your man to quit acting like a boy. Good grief. 3-4 times a week! The poor guy. A little self control and self mastery might be in order for him at this point in life. Next time he pulls that crap tell him you are off limits until he apologizes and starts to treat you like a wife instead of a carnival ride.
He will say, "I will just take care of myself" or, "I had to take care of myself last night because you can't make time for me" and heaven forbid I yawn, which goes back to something being wrong with me because I have low iron. I take supplements. I'm trying!
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thank you, all of you. It feels so good to just share. I don't cry. I'm strong. I mostly don't let it affect me. But I don't know what is normal. Everyone fights. It's hard to say okay, this is too much but that isn't.
 

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Thank you. To answer the last, I am proud of my hard work ethic. I feel successful in my career. I work hard in the gym and truly enjoy it. It is like a natural anti-depressant and I have been at it 6 years now.
Good for you, I would venture a guess that you are also a good mother and do a lot to shield the children from their father's rages.

Yes, my father was physically and emotionally abusive (thankfully not sexually) and hasn't been in my life for about 16 years now.
This is where you learned to accept this behavior from a man and view it as possible normal.

He hasn't struck me as in hit, physically in awhile now. More just grabbing, putting his hand over my mouth as he says things right into my ear, shoving some, a couple times he has put his hand around my neck but he didn't hold it long enough for me to not breathe.
This is not normal or acceptable.
You do not deserve this under any circumstances.​
This is not ok.

He says he is depressed and blames me for having the kids, since I wanted them more.
He can be depressed, he can even blame you for having the kids, what he cannot do is put his hands on you.

He enjoys his time with them. I just feel like everything running smoothly in the house falls on me. He is not open to any sort of counseling and says it's all psycho babble. He says men get mad and break things because they have testosterone and most people just don't talk about their issues so I don't know what's normal and what isn't, and that every relationship has issues.
Men do have testosterone, however, most of them use it other ways, like going to the gym, playing basketball with their bros, watching football and drinking beer on Sundays. They don't bully their wives and try to scare them by throwing things. This is childish way to handle anger and frustration, he is not a three year old.

I am a dreamer for believing in a perfect relationship... Which is not true. I just don't think it's normal to get so upset that you throw things.
You are right, there is no perfect relationship. You are also right that it is not normal to get so upset that you throw things, physically assault your wife, or verbally and emotionally abuse her because you didn't get your way in something.

Are you afraid he will try to hurt you if you leave him or demand he seek counseling? He has a serious anger management issue and this needs to be addressed before you can even begin to work on marital issues. If you cannot do this for yourself, do it for your children. Do you want your sons growing up to think this in an appropriate way to handle anger or treat women? Do you want your daughters growing up to accept this behavior from men in their lives?

Your father being abusive to you skewed your thinking and conditioned you to accept this behavior from your husband, to consider that it might be normal. I am not saying your husband is an evil person but he has serious issues and could be a danger to your life. You are in a difficult situation and should consider your options very carefully. I would not let your husband know if you are considering separating from him until it is a done deal and do not tell him when you are alone with him or if he has the children. With a man like this, women are in the most danger when they are attempting to leave the situation. He has had control of you for so long that he will be terrified of losing that control. This could drive him to do extremely harmful things to you or to get you to stay with him.

Do you have some place safe you and the children could stay?
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Good for you, I would venture a guess that you are also a good mother and do a lot to shield the children from their father's rages.



This is where you learned to accept this behavior from a man and view it as possible normal.



This is not normal or acceptable.
You do not deserve this under any circumstances.​
This is not ok.



He can be depressed, he can even blame you for having the kids, what he cannot do is put his hands on you.



Men do have testosterone, however, most of them use it other ways, like going to the gym, playing basketball with their bros, watching football and drinking beer on Sundays. They don't bully their wives and try to scare them by throwing things. This is childish way to handle anger and frustration, he is not a three year old.



You are right, there is no perfect relationship. You are also right that it is not normal to get so upset that you throw things, physically assault your wife, or verbally and emotionally abuse her because you didn't get your way in something.

Are you afraid he will try to hurt you if you leave him or demand he seek counseling? He has a serious anger management issue and this needs to be addressed before you can even begin to work on marital issues. If you cannot do this for yourself, do it for your children. Do you want your sons growing up to think this in an appropriate way to handle anger or treat women? Do you want your daughters growing up to accept this behavior from men in their lives?

Your father being abusive to you skewed your thinking and conditioned you to accept this behavior from your husband, to consider that it might be normal. I am not saying your husband is an evil person but he has serious issues and could be a danger to your life. You are in a difficult situation and should consider your options very carefully. I would not let your husband know if you are considering separating from him until it is a done deal and do not tell him when you are alone with him or if he has the children. With a man like this, women are in the most danger when they are attempting to leave the situation. He has had control of you for so long that he will be terrified of losing that control. This could drive him to do extremely harmful things to you or to get you to stay with him.

Do you have some place safe you and the children could stay?
I want to get out and he physically prevents me from leaving or says he will smash my car or send risqué pics of me to my work. I am good at "playing dumb" and secretly went to counseling a few years back. The truest fear is that he would be in jail for a day or two. He will he so angry at me that it's currently safer to stay. I feel it's best to arrange for some sort of daycare options. My oldest has special needs and won't function in a normal daycare or surround care setting, so I am hoping in a year or two he will be mature enough to handle an hour or so after school.

I truly do not want my kids growing up like I did. I wish he would go away but I know he won't. He loves me in a way that he doesn't see the damage he does and thinks he is always right. No abuser ever recognizes his behavior as faulty. Lots of crazy-making by him towards me. I just play along but deep down, I know he is wrong and the fire of hatred burns strong inside me. And then he will go and be nice and we have a good family day. Cycle of abuse, I know it well. It's hard to know how crazy one is, but I pray he isn't as crazy as the ones who cross that line and go too far. I worked so hard to get where I am to be okay with myself only to have the worst 10 years of my life (besides kids) with him.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Also, he has no friends. Isn't social. I think it's why he is so obsessed with me and wrongly sees it as me ignoring him if I even attempt a semblance of a social life.
 

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If staying is your choice, then I won't try to convince you to leave. Safety would be the initial priority in this situation. What you can do now is begin to plan, if he causes bruises, take pictures of them and give them to someone you trust. If you can record him without him knowing, do that. The more evidence you are able to get against him will help in the future, particularly in custody cases. If you can plan with kids what to do in an emergency situation, like a certain neighbor they could run to if he is hurting you. If you can start saving money on the side that could also help in the future.

In a healthy relationship I would not suggest this, but since in this case it is about preserving your safety and that of the children I will. Your safety lies in making HIM feel safe, safe in your relationship, safe in that he is control, safe in that he does feel threatened by other people or things, safe in his power over you. I am sure you already know this and do it on regular basis.

You said that 'he loves you in a way that he doesn't see the damage he does'. It is important for you to recognize that this is not love, this is the hold he has over you. He may even think it's love but it's not. It is his need to control and have power you. This need is intense and the intensity feels like love, it feels like he loves you so much he can't control it when he feels like he might lose you. This is bullsh!t and he is f*cked in the head. To free yourself from the emotional power it has over you, you have to see it for what it is. A little boy who never learned to manage his anger and feels threatened when he thinks something may take his toy away.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
If staying is your choice, then I won't try to convince you to leave. Safety would be the initial priority in this situation. What you can do now is begin to plan, if he causes bruises, take pictures of them and give them to someone you trust. If you can record him without him knowing, do that. The more evidence you are able to get against him will help in the future, particularly in custody cases. If you can plan with kids what to do in an emergency situation, like a certain neighbor they could run to if he is hurting you. If you can start saving money on the side that could also help in the future.

In a healthy relationship I would not suggest this, but since in this case it is about preserving your safety and that of the children I will. Your safety lies in making HIM feel safe, safe in your relationship, safe in that he is control, safe in that he does feel threatened by other people or things, safe in his power over you. I am sure you already know this and do it on regular basis.

You said that 'he loves you in a way that he doesn't see the damage he does'. It is important for you to recognize that this is not love, this is the hold he has over you. He may even think it's love but it's not. It is his need to control and have power you. This need is intense and the intensity feels like love, it feels like he loves you so much he can't control it when he feels like he might lose you. This is bullsh!t and he is f*cked in the head. To free yourself from the emotional power it has over you, you have to see it for what it is. A little boy who never learned to manage his anger and feels threatened when he thinks something may take his toy away.
You are absolutely right. It's a good thing I recognize it as wrong. It's a bad thing most abusers only end up locked up if they do something really bad. I will absolutely be smart about all of this and do my best to start documenting. In I do it right away, I should still have some details fresh. It's so crazy how he will be yelling awful things at me and it is immediately gone.

He wasn't raised this day, his dad was honorable. But his mom wasn't affectionate or loving. I think the lack of hugs or love did it to him. I make sure my kids always feel loved, just like my mom showered us with hugs and kisses. Thank you for your time spent on this, for your caring. I will re-read everything and do my best to prepare.
 

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One place he may not suspect of you being able to create records is with your doctor. If you can trust your doctor not to make a police report, then that is a good option for creating records and you use these in a divorce case. It is true that he could get out of jail quickly for a domestic, but in some states violating a restraining order or interfering with a 911 call are felonies.

I am sure you are a good mom :). He knows you love the kids so much that he uses them against you and to keep you in line, probably why he takes them for walks when you are later than usual getting home. If you can let someone in your life know what is going on that won't reveal it to him, that could be good for you. You are welcome for my time and caring. I always read these verses if I am trying to decide if something is coming from love or a darker place and find comfort in it.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

He is not showing you love as it should be but it does exist.
 

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Sounds completely abusive.

Look up women's shelters for abuse in your area.

Start planning now and get out asap.

Any example being set for the kids is what they will choose to replicate as adults. If you have daughters - you want this for them?

Be strong. Be brave.

Take action because you deserve to be treated better!

And if he puts his hands on you ever again - call the police immediately! He does deserve to go to jail!

If you don't take action- things will remain the Santa d will become worse as time goes along. Don't wait!

A shelter will help you stay safe and will help with legal issues too - like divorce.
 
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