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Discussion Starter #1
Well, my story is kinda complicated, but I'll try to make it brief. Basically what it boils down to for me is, sex hurts. That is to say penetration hurts. It's just painful. I can get an orgasm without it, and prefer that. My wonderful husband of 11 years is the absolute most patient and loving person I know. How many other men would tolerate not being able to have normal sex? We stimulate each other to orgasm and that's how we've accepted things. I recently found myself wanting more though. I want excitement and passion. When we have "sex" it's always the same. I want to know the pleasure of doing something wild. How can I make this happen? We have limits. I live in a trailer and have a 13 yo daughter in the house. We do not do the spend the night at friends thing so she is always here. I have tried seeing a Dr. and I'm told there is nothing wrong with me. She gave me these hard plastic things that I'm supposed to insert into myself, but that doesn't work. No pain at all with them, just when he tries to go in. :( I can tolerate one finger, but when he tries to use two, the pain starts. FORGET about him using his penis!! That sends me through the roof in pain!! Very few times in our marriage have I actually been able to handle it, and I can't say he's done anything different to allow me to be able to handle it. We've tried lubrication. That doesn't work. I also have a hard time getting turned on without fantasizing about being spanked. He doesn't like to spank me, and we can't try that anyway because of my daughter being in the house, but I want to be turned on WITHOUT the fantasy. Gosh, I said I was going to keep this brief, but I didn't manage to do that. Maybe someone can make some sense of this post and offer me some suggestions. TIA for any advice. ;)
 

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150 views, no advice. I'm starting to feel embarrassed about this post. I am, obviously, new to this forum and perhaps I misunderstood what was and wasn't acceptable?
 

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I had a problem with painful intercourse for a year. Two doctors told me that nothing was wrong. When I got pregnant with my second I had to find a new dr. because the other one was not an OB. Turns out I had "irritated tissue" that would have be surgically corrected if childbirth did not fix it.

If you are still having pain, please keep pushing the Dr for answers. You would be surprised how often they make mistakes about issues. Sometimes because they have never seen or dealt with the issue before.
 

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No, it's an acceptable question - I imagine no one knows what to day.

You've seen a doctor, the plastic doesn't hurt but he does, yet you tried lubricants. Have you been tested for STDs or infections? Yeast infections can cause severe discomfort.

That's all of the advice we would give you. Why don't you allow sleepovers? I have a 13 y/o who spends the night with friends. I know the friends, they know my rules, etc. What about family? A tent, the car, etc once she's soundly asleep? A vacation/hotel?

I'm wondering if you've come to expect the pain and tense up. Have you tried sex toys? Do they hurt?

Have you tried different positions? I would guess some are better than others.

How about slow entry - one finger, spanking, two... whatever it takes for you to be really turned on would likely relax you and might help.

If your husband knew that really turned you on and let you relax enough I guarantee he'd be willing.

Sorry, I can tell this is difficult for you.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thanks for the words. Yes, VERY difficult.

It's not an STD or yeast infection. The problem has been there for years.

I've had two children and a hysterectomy. Shouldn't the Dr. have noticed something? Neither child was born of a vaginal birth, so perhaps not.

No other family. Hotels are fine every once in a while, but I'm looking for something ongoing.

He is very patient and he does go slow, one finger at a time, etc. When we try to do it right, he tries to go in VERY slow, stop and let me breathe, try to go in further, etc., etc. The times he can get in all the way, he can't really move because it hurts so much! I honestly don't know how I've managed to conceive two children!
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Oh, and I don't really know how to try "other" positions. I'm 39, 5'5" and 160 lbs. he's 47, 5'8" and 180 lbs. we're not exactly "flexible". lol
 

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Have tried a glass of wine before hand? Advil? Muscle relaxants?

Positions, have you tried spooning? Being yours sides there no weight issue and it can be done slowly.

Good luck.
 

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Not to be crude but have you thought about Anal sex? Probably better for him but since you like a little pain.........
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Forgo doggy style and missionary position, deep penetration obviously is not
For you at this juncture.

Has your husband been your only lover?
If not was penetration always painful?

Is the pain enternal or external?

If inside try exploring yourself to find exact source of pain.

If external might I suggest a gentle daily stretching or massage of your perineum, since you have not
had a vaginal birth this may not have been brought up.
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Discussion Starter #11 (Edited)
Not to be crude but have you thought about Anal sex? Probably better for him but since you like a little pain.........
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Not at all interested in that! Pain is the ISSUE, why on earth would I want it to hurt more!?? Unless you are talking about the spanking fantasies, but that's an ENTIRELY different ball game.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Forgo doggy style and missionary position, deep penetration obviously is not
For you at this juncture.

Has your husband been your only lover?
If not was penetration always painful?

Is the pain enternal or external?

If inside try exploring yourself to find exact source of pain.

If external might I suggest a gentle daily stretching or massage of your perineum, since you have not
had a vaginal birth this may not have been brought up.
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External, and no he's not the only one with which I experienced pain. It was painful with my first husband as well (my children's father). He was not so patient though and just pushed his way through. We didn't have a very active sex life, needless to say. I have no clue what you mean by "daily stretching or massage of your perineum". :confused:
 

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Is your husband large?



are you on hormone replacement therapy? do you still have your overies?
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Is your husband large?



are you on hormone replacement therapy? do you still have your overies?
I had the prob. WAY before the hysterectomy but yes, I do still have them. I have only been with a few men so I don't really have much to compare, but I'd say he's prob. average?
 

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External, and no he's not the only one with which I experienced pain. It was painful with my first husband as well (my children's father). He was not so patient though and just pushed his way through. We didn't have a very active sex life, needless to say. I have no clue what you mean by "daily stretching or massage of your perineum". :confused:

Ok well have you heard your mother or girlfriends talking about getting stitched up after vaginal birth?

The part that gets stitched is your perineum. When I was planning a home birth
with my first son we had to do daily stretching and massages of that area to lessen
the chances of tearing.

So everyday with a bit of right out grocery store olive oil I massaged and stretched gently, everyday for the last 8 weeks.

Google the perineum massage, hey it might at least lead you down the road to discovering what is causing the pain.
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As you've seen your doctor about this, and he/she found nothing wrong, it sounds like you could be suffering from Vaginismus, a condition where a woman involuntarily tenses up her pelvic floor muscles making penetration painful and/or impossible. (I've experienced this, so have a good idea what you're talking ahout!)

There could be a variety of reasons for this (for example you mention privacy problems), but it would appear that learning to relax completely whilst having sex is vital.

Here's a link that you might find useful, OP:-

Home - Vaginismus.com
 

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Discussion Starter #18
As you've seen your doctor about this, and he/she found nothing wrong, it sounds like you could be suffering from Vaginismus, a condition where a woman involuntarily tenses up her pelvic floor muscles making penetration painful and/or impossible. (I've experienced this, so have a good idea what you're talking ahout!)

There could be a variety of reasons for this (for example you mention privacy problems), but it would appear that learning to relax completely whilst having sex is vital.

Here's a link that you might find useful, OP:-

Home - Vaginismus.com

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! :smthumbup: THIS is my issue! I do have those black plastic things that come in the "kit" already though. Those are what the Dr. gave me, but like I said, they don't hurt. I'm going to do some more research on this disorder though and I am so glad to FINALLY hear I am not the only person in the world with this issue!!!!
 

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I can understand the dialators not being a problem, but penetration is. You have total control when inserting them, so the fear of pain isn't there to make you tense up. Once you manage one or two successes with your partner, I think you'll find the problem will disappear. By the sounds of things, a weekend away for just you and your partner could be the answer...

Here's another link:- http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/womenshealth/sexlife/vaginismus.htm
 

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Nice call Cosmo
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