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Needing advice about my life after divorce

2502 Views 22 Replies 11 Participants Last post by  happyman64, 
M
Hi everyone, I used this site in the past when my husband left me and we eventually got divorced and I got some really helpful advice and support from others going through divorce too....

and now things have changed so much in my life, I'm not sure my direction and I'm wondering if anyone can help me out with some advice?

My husband left me after 8 years of marriage - that was almost exactly 2 years ago. I'm 32 now. He had an affair (at least 1, but probably more), I found it really hard to cope with and I got left with lots of unanswered questions that made getting closure very difficult. I had some time off work because I got pretty depressed and I had counselling and antidepressants. We got divorced in April this year, which was about 18 months after he left. I've got myself together bit by bit. I decided to go for a big career change and 2 months ago I've started a new job and also moved house (out of where I used to live with my ex) to a different part of my city living alone in my own place.

The new job is going well - it's a huge change but I'm liking it so far and the new flat is alright. I also started a new relationship about a year ago (whilst I was getting divorced) with a man who has a very good heart, but in many ways is not compatible with me for 'long term'. I knew that when we started dating - I was just looking for some fun but then he grew on me and we stayed together. He is a good person and I love him, just that we are very different and I know the relationship doesn't have longevity if I'm being honest with myself.

My problems are these:

I really desperately want to get married again and have a family. I feel that time is ticking on me and I'm so scared I won't meet a man to have a family with. I look around and can't seem to see anyone...they all seem married already! I don't think the fact on being in a relationship is stopping me keeping my eyes open to possibilities and I do try to get out and about in situations were I am meeting new people. I just feel so worried about getting the chance to find the right man to have kids with.....it makes me feel very lonely and I'm scared of ending up alone.

what makes it really hard is that most of my girlfriends are now married with 1 or 2 small kids - they never have time to meet up (understandably) and it leaves me feeling unwanted. My sister is also now pregnant with her second child - my parents are constantly going on about my niece (thier first grandchild) and I just can't help feeling jealous and left out - I know it's wrong - I love my sister and my niece and my parents too - but I just feel side lined. my sister lives in another country and my parents are constantly out there to see her and my niece.

I think the net result of my divorce is that I feel pretty lonely and rejected. I've worked really hard to try and re-build my live, I know it takes time, but why am I still not feeling settled - is it normal? I still miss my ex-husband - not so much him/the relationship - but being married and belonging - i was very close to his family too and I really miss them loads - I can't see them because they live on another continent so that's very hard.

Please any thoughts anyone? Any advice on how to keep moving forward would be very much appreciated! I feel like the experience of losing my husband and the divorce should all be behind me by now and it isn't - I feel stuck and i'm not sure what to do :confused:
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Shooboomafoo
My divorce was a year and four months ago.
I found out that I was in love with the idea of having met the goal of being a part of a family, and I held HUGE respect for that.
But the family wasnt being provided for by the "other part" of it, and it takes two to make one work.

Im 41, and have for my entire life wanted a big family. I was robbed of that chance by a woman who was mentally unstable. Only, I didnt know it for sure.. until recently.

My plan, is to continue to live my life as well as I can, and I do still hope to be a part of a relationship again in the future. this time was carved out of the block for you and only YOU..
Be gentle with yourself, take care but also caretake for yourself.
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M
Thank you shoo....I do like the advice about taking care of yourself as much as poss....I try to do that and remember to enjoy all the good stuff that I do have. It's just I quite like having others to take care of too - it makes me feel worthwhile - but actually, having had some counselling during/after the divorce - i've realised that that can be a problem too - next time I'd like to find a man that can take care of me too, not just the other way around.....
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Shooboomafoo
"" It's just I quite like having others to take care of too - it makes me feel worthwhile ""

---this is a natural and loving way to be.
Lots of people concern themselves with it being a negative way to define oneself, but it has only always been a "part" of the package with me. I love taking care of someone that loves me, and I feel it gives value to my part of how I show love.

I'd keep that trait. Imagine finding someone that wants to take care of you too. Who could want more?
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EleGirl
What sorts of things are you doing to meet other people and eligible men?
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M
i'm doing dance classes where there are quite a few men - unfortunately generally, they don't seem to be very eligible - although of course there might be an exception if i'm lucky.

I've let my friends know that i'm looking to see if they come up with anyone - but they haven't been at all helpful. I don't have many single girlfriends (they're all paired off) so I don't get much chance to go 'out with the girls'.

Other than that, I've started a new job and i was hoping there might be a candiate or two there - but they all seem to be married already. I do go away a bit with work to conferences/events so i keep my eyes open, but I haven't met anyone that route yet - it's pretty hard as I wouldn't normally have ongoing contact with those people....

any suggestions:confused:
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EleGirl
Marigold said:
any suggestions:confused:
Click to expand...
You need to get out in your community and do things that other singles your age are doing... healthy things, fun things.

Here is a website that has tons of things you can do.. Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup Check out your area. You will find that a lot of single people go by themselves and quickly fit in. Find things you enjoy and got out. You will meet men who have common interests with yours.

There are also dating sites. They do work you just need to be smart about them.
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D
Be careful what you wish for....posting "looking for a man" on here may fill your inbox!
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Dewayne76
lol. Would it go both ways? haha.

That would be the thing, tbh. I mean seriously, everyone here for the most part is doing everything they can, 110% to save their relationship / marriage... what other place to find great people with morals?!
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M
Hey all! thank you so much for the great replies.....

wonder what to make of this and is it normal? last night I had a really bad dream about my ex-husband and his infidelity - in the dream we weren't together any more but he was with another woman and for some reason I had to see them together - I was really really really angry - like out of control hysterical - crying, shouting etc etc - and his response was he didn't give a ****

this is horrible :confused: why am I having a terrible dream like this 2 years after we separated? I haven't seen him for well over a year now. He did totally out of the blue ring me about 1 month ago - i'm not sure exactly why - something about did i want to get the marriage anulled (it was a catholic marriage) which i said no to as it would be ridiculous - there are no grounds for it anyway - and he is probably moving back to another his home country (across atlantic).

I know i still feel really hurt and betrayed but come on! its 8 months since the divorce was final - I hate feeling like this and I just want to feel ok again - FAST!!!!! WHY DO I EVEN THINK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE - I feel stuck:mad:
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COguy
My biggest piece of advice is that your life will be MUCH MUCH MUCH more fulfilling with no kids and no divorce then if you try to quickly find the man of your dreams and start popping out babies only to realize a few years later it isn't working.

Tearing a family apart is a horrible feeling, take your time to find the right person, not a biological donor. Don't worry if that never happens, be happy with yourself.
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M
COguy - i understand what you're saying -

sometimes I think I'm def better off now than in an unhappy relationship with children, even if I don't get to have children in the end. It has crossed my mind to get pregnant with my current boyfriend but I know it wouldn't last with him - it's on very rocky ground anyway - and then it would be me bringing a child up alone - hard to know whether I should get on and do that, or wait and see if I can find someone who would be a good husband and father - but risk not being in time to have a family - it's such a horrible dilemna :(

I definitely don't want to go through another divorce - I barely survived the first one!......but it's so hard to just calm down and be patient - and it's lonely too - especially with Christmas coming...
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COguy
Omg do not even wrestle with such a horrible thought. Bringing a child into the world in that kind of environment is criminal. I promise you would look back at that decision with regret. It is not fair to your children.
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M
yes, you are right again- I know it really, I had a mum and a dad to bring me up and it wouldn't be right to make a child just for my sake - they would need a dad too....it's so hard to stay rational sometimes....

My current relationship is feeling really unstable and I think it's not helping me think straight - it's a whole load of feelings again that are not quite settled yet from my divorce - horrible....but it's my own fault for carrying on a relationship from what started out as something much more lighthearted - i knew it at the time, but i've discovered i'm not good ending things at all.....it feels really bad...
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happyman64
Marigold

Can I make one suggestion?

Dump the BF. it s bringing you down and I bet that stress is visible by others.

I think it will make you happier being relieved of that burden.

And when you are happy, giving off that happy vibe, good things will happen and people will take notice.

Keep shaking it up, something good will fall out. Hopefully Mr Right.
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EnjoliWoman
Don't settle - you are missing the right one trying to not hurt the wrong one. Staying with him is leading him on and only causes MORE hurt in the long run.

You have a good 10 years to start a family. Maybe more. And there are TONS of kids who need a family if you are open to adoption should having your own not work.

I imagine you are feeling a void right now. Try to fill that with other meaninful activities. Volunteer at an animal shelter or a hospital. I bet there is a children's hospital or children's ward in your local hospital that would love to have someone come and read aloud, do crafts, etc.

Seek community connections. I think you will find yourself feeling less anxious and open to new opportunities, including those for love and family.
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M
Happyman - I think you are right......what you are saying makes lots of sense - yes, I'm feeling stress with all kinds of sad emotions from this relationship and horrible patterns i think I might be falling into from relationship with my ex-husband - i've got a really horrible sensation of being taken advantage of again and it really really hurts - I think I need to make a move and move forward again - but it takes alot of strength and i'm scared going through another breakup... arrrrrrgggghhhhhhhh:(
but you are right.....

EnjoliWoman - thank you so much for the encouragement about having kids - yes you are totally right - i am feeling a huge void - ever since my ex-husband left - i've lost so many important parts of my live and future through that and it seems to take forever to construct meaningful things around me......8 months since divorce, 2 years since separation - it's left me floundering and i just want to pick up and move on.....
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M
last night i had another horrible dream with my ex-husband - in this one, we were seeing if we could get back together - but all the time i knew it just wasn't going to work out really - i was just all really painful and very vivid. i hate those dreams cos they make me feel low when i wake up.....

my question is - is it normal to still be having these dreams??

For a long time i didn't have any dreams at all and recently (last 1-2weeks) they have started up again:scratchhead: - could it be maybe something to do with feeling like I should be ended my current relationship but not really having the courage to go through with it? :confused::scratchhead: or just generally being in a lonely place with all new changes (job and house move):confused:
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J
Marigold said:
Thank you shoo....I do like the advice about taking care of yourself as much as poss....I try to do that and remember to enjoy all the good stuff that I do have. It's just I quite like having others to take care of too - it makes me feel worthwhile - but actually, having had some counselling during/after the divorce - i've realised that that can be a problem too - next time I'd like to find a man that can take care of me too, not just the other way around.....
Click to expand...
Have you considered giving a good life to children who are already born but have lost their parents,yes,the orphans.I am soon to be divorced,am 29,have the same anxieties like you but am determined about one thing-I will adopt my baby girls-2 ;what is holding me currently is that I am not financially stable and hope to be in couple of years;This is a dream that makes me go on;I honestly do not worry about having a partner anymore;but I am certain I shall have a beautiful life;
Wishing you the best!!
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C
Don't be to hard on yourself that you are still grieving for your loss. It's natural and normal and you seem to be moving on.

As for as your boyfriend, if he's not someone for your future or children, then I am afraid you will need to turn him loose. If you are attached, it makes it hard to meet anyone. You aren't really single. You may be putting out "I am attached vibe."

Anyhow, take care of yourself. You never know what life will throw out to you.
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