Needing a Man's Point of View.. Please!

1840 Views 15 Replies 6 Participants Last post by tbeach, Dec 1, 2012

tbeach

Discussion Starter · Nov 30, 2012

My husband and I met and college and have been together for 15 yrs, married for 9yrs and he has been an Army Solider for that long. We have moved around a lot with our 6 yr old son and our newest addition to the family, our 9 month old daughter.
My husband wants to go back to djing and I do not like the idea at all. He almost cheated on me when we moved to our newest duty station her in Germany. This is hard for me to just let him go back to the same environment that gave an open opportunity for cheating. The breaking point was when I was looking for cigarettes to calm my nerves with dealing a crying 6 week old but instead found condoms in his pants pocket. After that fight he has been home, stopped djing and really spending quality time with the family the past 9 months. We were working on us and the trust but now he brings this up. He says he would do it differently this time around with not djing every weekend and we would plan a weekend for us.

Should I give it a chance?
I feel it’s too soon for me. I mean its only been 9 months and it to me it shows how insensitive he is. He did say he won’t do it if I don’t want him too but I’m afraid he will resent me for holding him back on doing something he loves,..djing, music, all of it. But at the same time I feel like he’s trying to get over and go back out to the club scene so he can feel single again. I went to see a divorce lawyer just to get educated on the process and my rights. Quality time with family has been an ongoing issue with us and how we see it differently and I’m just fed up.
Believe me, there is so much more that build up to this but I do not want to bog you all down with the details too soon.
I REALLY need a man’s perspective on this. Any advice would be great right about now.

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ManUp

· #2 · Nov 30, 2012

I think you have to ask him why he wants to go back to this environment. I gotta be honest with you here, it sounds like he's being an ass. I have made big mistakes in my marriage, but once understanding what I did to make my wife feel so unloved, there's no way I'm every going to put myself in that situation again.

I think he's giving you what I would expect to be a cliche answer as to why he wants to DJ again..."It's fun." "I miss it." "I have a passion for it." More often than not, these are automatic answers and a smokescreen. There's a bigger reason underneath it all.

Well, I used to have fun and a passion for whoring around before I got married. That doesn't mean I should continue to do it.

east2west

· #3 · Nov 30, 2012

I don't think that cutting him off from something he loves doing and his time to himself is a very good idea. I think he will resent this over time. But the risk that he will cheat is quite real.

If you feel that the relationship is strong, the sex life is good and you both love each other, then I think you should try to trust him, but I would also keep out a close eye for suspicious behavior or red flags. And also insist that he maintains a healthy balance between his djing and family responsibilities.

On the other hand if you are going through a rough patch and the relationship is in a vulnerable state I wouldn't let him until things are good again. Hopefully that won't be forever.

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tbeach

Discussion Starter · #4 · Nov 30, 2012

ManUp said:
I think you have to ask him why he wants to go back to this environment. I gotta be honest with you here, it sounds like he's being an ass. I have made big mistakes in my marriage, but once understanding what I did to make my wife feel so unloved, there's no way I'm every going to put myself in that situation again.

I think he's giving you what I would expect to be a cliche answer as to why he wants to DJ again..."It's fun." "I miss it." "I have a passion for it." More often than not, these are automatic answers and a smokescreen. There's a bigger reason underneath it all.

Well, I used to have fun and a passion for whoring around before I got married. That doesn't mean I should continue to do it.

:iagree::lol:

Deep down that is exactly what I felt. I would call him on it too but then he would say that I was twisting his words, or looking past his good intentions which in this case would bring in more money. All these years I was trying to be the "cool" wife who doesn't nag and let her husband go out but now that I'm older I've been speaking up and sticking my by point. enough is enough. We have been fighting about him going out every weekend for years and now I feel like this djing is a cover. I have always trusted him and never thought he was doing anything. He took the pregnancy really bad and wanted to go out and cheat on me because the lack of control he had. he couldn't go through with it but kept trying hence the condoms I found. he has apologized but the he just doesn't get it and I'm not trying to change someone either. If he can not grow up and see what a family is about and he wants to keep trying to act young then cool. I will be planning my exit from this marriage. I thought we would grow together but that's not the case.

And here I thought i was being insensitive. He wants to go to counseling with me but if he feels like he really needs to so this djing, then i just having nothing else to give. I have put up with so much of his stuff and that is my fault for allowing it all these years.

Thank you so much for responding.

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tbeach

Discussion Starter · #5 · Nov 30, 2012

east2west said:
I don't think that cutting him off from something he loves doing and his time to himself is a very good idea. I think he will resent this over time. But the risk that he will cheat is quite real.

If you feel that the relationship is strong, the sex life is good and you both love each other, then I think you should try to trust him, but I would also keep out a close eye for suspicious behavior or red flags. And also insist that he maintains a healthy balance between his djing and family responsibilities.

On the other hand if you are going through a rough patch and the relationship is in a vulnerable state I wouldn't let him until things are good again. Hopefully that won't be forever.

ummm, you have a point. i am afraid he will resent me later. but the relationship is not strong right now and he's giving me all these excuse why it would be a great way to get more income. we haven't talked about it the past 2 days and just waiting for our counseling appointment. I do like your idea of him / us finding a balance between what he loves to do ( and he has gotten really good too) and family time but it needs to be after the trust is built back up again. You gave me something to think about. Thank you.

ManUp

· #6 · Nov 30, 2012

He needs to focus on what's important. I get the vibe you wouldn't prevent him from doing what he loved doing, if you trusted him. And you don't for very good reasons. He needs to put effort into your relationship first before he can put effort into his hobbies.

mel123

· #7 · Nov 30, 2012

can you go with him djing??......... tell him you want to get away and have fun too !!...........

tbeach

Discussion Starter · #8 · Nov 30, 2012

ManUp said:
He needs to focus on what's important. I get the vibe you wouldn't prevent him from doing what he loved doing, if you trusted him. And you don't for very good reasons. He needs to put effort into your relationship first before he can put effort into his hobbies.

You hit the nail on the head. I get so wrapped up in all these details and my emotions that i lose focus of really bothers me about the whole thing. When he asked me I felt like he was putting his hobby before fixing his marriage and it hurt. So of course I went in attacking him and that just got us nowhere. When we re visit this topic again I'll have a better way explaining how this really makes me feel. ( big sigh of relief) thank you Manup. This helped me a lot.
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tbeach

Discussion Starter · #9 · Nov 30, 2012

mel123 said:
can you go with him djing??......... tell him you want to get away and have fun too !!...........

Yes, he did offer that I come out and watch him spin And we both can have fun. But at that moment I saw it as it would be "hubby on best behavior night" only when I'm there. Then I would have to do a surprise drop in and hope to god I don't find him doing something he shouldn't be doing. He also wanted to do 1 weekend outing with the family and 1 weekend with just us so then he would dj only 2x a month instead if every weekend. So yeah, he has brought up some ideas to show that he wants to find balance. But because I have little trust all i heard was him trying to get over on something. I think that would be a great idea once we work on trust and security.
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MsPATS

· #10 · Nov 30, 2012

First, I admire what seems to be your determination to fix what is wrong in your marriage.
Second, it is great you are both willing to go to counseling. If he does not go with you, go alone. He might join you at a later time, but start the process.
Lastly, IMO, I think you both need some alone time, couples time, to rebuild your relationship. Often when we have small children we lose sight of who we are as a couple. I know it is hard to do, but you have to make it a priority. Even if it is just for a few hours a week. Do it. Have him meet you at a luxury hotel restaurant/bar for "lunch" then surprise him with a room key.
Variety is the spice of life.

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Cosmos

· #11 · Nov 30, 2012

I think the main point is that you don't feel you can trust him. Whilst I don't think a club environment is an appropriate one for a married man / father of 2 children, if he wants to cheat on you he will find a way no matter where he is.

I can't imagine staying in a marriage where there was little trust, but I admire you for being prepared to do so. You will need your H's cooperation in this, though, and I would suggest MC.

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mel123

· #12 · Nov 30, 2012

Cosmos said:
Whilst I don't think a club environment is an appropriate one for a married man / father of 2 children, if he wants to cheat on you he will find a way no matter where he is.

.

:iagree:

Its like a alcoholic, who has decided to stop drinking and then go to the Bar just to "see friends and socialize". Sooner or later he will become a drunk who is controlled by his addiction again.

I fear him getting caught will make him a smarter cheater about keeping things from you. Real change has to come from the inside.

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tbeach

Discussion Starter · #13 · Nov 30, 2012

Cosmos said:
I think the main point is that you don't feel you can trust him. Whilst I don't think a club environment is an appropriate one for a married man / father of 2 children, if he wants to cheat on you he will find a way no matter where he is.

I can't imagine staying in a marriage where there was little trust, but I admire you for being prepared to do so. You will need your H's cooperation in this, though, and I would suggest MC.

I have never had a trust issue with him up until now. Now I'm thinking of all the other times he went out in the past and if he was trying to get into someone else pants then. It feels horrible to be in a relationship with little trust but the counseling with give us more clarity. I've been going ever since I got pregnant because he showed more fear than support. I've grown since then and he loves our daughter to pieces but the issue still stands. He is all about going to counseling next week..its a start in the right direction.

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tbeach

Discussion Starter · #14 · Nov 30, 2012

mel123 said:
:iagree:

Its like a alcoholic, who has decided to stop drinking and then go to the Bar just to "see friends and socialize". Sooner or later he will become a drunk who is controlled by his addiction again.

I fear him getting caught will make him a smarter cheater about keeping things from you. Real change has to come from the inside.

that's exactly what I shared with my cousin. he got caught the first time, though he said he didn't go through with it, but now he'll more conscious on sneaking around. One of the post above mention my H should invite me to watch him, which he did. But after thinking about it more today, it just seems like he's telling me what i want hear. " We can have family time one weekend, and I dj only 1-2x a month, and we can do date night too". I know my husband and sometimes his intention are really to get what he wants at the end. I have always felt like he should not be in this environment at all, no matter if the trust is solid. I feel its disrespectful to come home at 4 or 5 am but people i have spoke to made me feel old fashion.

mel123

· #15 · Nov 30, 2012

tbeach said:
I have always felt like he should not be in this environment at all, no matter if the trust is solid. I feel its disrespectful to come home at 4 or 5 am but people i have spoke to made me feel old fashion.

:iagree: I am 100% with you on this.......People make you feel "old fashion" because you want boundaries???? that's their thoughts, this is your emotional life. Your thinking is CORRECT

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tbeach

Discussion Starter · #16 · Dec 1, 2012 (Edited)

mel123 said:
:iagree: I am 100% with you on this.......People make you feel "old fashion" because you want boundaries???? that's their thoughts, this is your emotional life. Your thinking is CORRECT

Thank you! This is a great example. I spoke to my step mom yesterday and told her about what was going on. Basiclly she said that because he helps around the house without being asked, he doesn't mine taking over watching the kids if I wanted to go out, and since he Almost cheated but had the willpower to say no and came home that its not that bad and we should be able to build on this. Ok, I have a problem with this mindset of some women and maybe you can help me. I'm finding more and more women ( especially in my community black women) preaching how grateful I should be that I have a good man in my life. That because he doesn't abuse me, he's a good dad, he provides for us, that this going out to a club is minor. These same women would say that as long as he comes home to me I should be fine with it. They see me as hitting the jackpot because he is a Army solider and we traveled across the world the last 9 yrs, and because right now the economy is really hard especially for a single mother that I should of course try to work it out but also if he wants to pursue this longer I should just let him do it and I should focus on what I like to do. Do more play dates, take some college course, focus on me so I won be driving myself crazy when he's out.

Sigh... I don't want to dismiss the advice from these women. They do have a point on don't leave until you tried to make it work with a open mind. I like the fact of focusing on bettering myself ( which is in my plan b book lol) and I do appreciate my husband for helping around the house when he comes home with me nagging or complaining. He has always jumped right in and so the dives or laundry because that's him. Ok, I got that. But dang it, I would be damn if I sit back and accept the fact and give him the ok for him to dj so he can look at scattered ass. That is all it is. Yes he has said we should do more family and us time on the weekend ends he doesn't dj but in all honestly the more I think about it, he's trying to butter me to get what he wants. Of course he will be on his best behavior when I'm there but what about the mitts when I'm not. I live getting attention from other men too. It makes me feel good, like I still got it but I'm not about to put myself in a situation where flirting can lead to cheating. Just because he bust up some suds in the kitchen doesn't mean he should have the rift to look at naked single women who is looking for love or less. That's complete bull crap and I'm trying to stay strong and buy into it. Where has this thinking come from? Does women think men is such slim pickings that by 34 yrs old I should just be happy he's not in and out of jail? No! I can do better by myself than out up with some bull. Now if I'm being insensitive to his "dream" than we need to divorce right now. My dream is to make our family stronger and that is not going to happen if he's out in that single lifestyle environment. Ever since that night I see him in a totally different light and place with the the rest of some men. If the opportunity was right he would sleep around and it will eventually happen if be stays out like that. Ever since that night I think of all the times I gave him a pass because I trusted him. At that time our only argument was about quality time and how he was never home or when he was he was sleeping when his sin snared to play with him. Now it's like"was he cheating then"? And how stupid am I to stick around for this long. the night he didnt even call and by 6am his excuse was he fell a sleep at our friends house party after his set because he drank too much and didn't eat. When he would play cards with his married friends by 11pm they would go home and he would go out to the club. Smh... I allowed that for years trying to be the "cool" wife so this is my fault. Now he's shocked that I'm holding my ground and not giving in. This is why I went to talk to the divorce lawyer. Yes, to get educated on the process but also I do not see him changing. I do not want to change who he is as a person, only his priorities. And I will leave if he doesn't but first before I do I will need to work on my confidence to be able to provide for my kids first. Deep down that's the reason why I stay. I feel like I won't be able to make the right choices when it comes to renting a home or finding a good neighbor with a good school or landing that job to pay for it all. I feel like he has the brains and I get by with common sense. My determination and drive is what helps me survive so when the s**t hits the fan I know I will be ok but it's scary. Sorry such a long post but I really need to get that off my chest. Lol
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