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About a week ago I learned that my husband has been texting a female coworker on a regular basis. They average about 60 text messages a day between the two of them, and sometimes it's as much as 100 or 200 a day. They text on their commute to work, on their commute home, throughout the evening and often right up to bed time. When we were on a family vacation he texted her 200+ times per day. Upon discovering this, I was shocked at my total lack of awareness and feared the worst. I looked at some of the texts between the two of them (I know it's devious --- I never look over his shoulder, but I felt I needed more facts before talking to him about it). The text messages I read were benign, as far as I could tell. I was still very bothered by the sheer quantity of them and felt it was inappropriate for a married man to have that kind of contact with a woman who isn't his wife. I'm not a jealous person, but I am very protective of my marriage. I've never put my foot down on relationships that my husband has had, to include female friendships. But I felt this relationship posed a threat to my marriage. His need to be in touch with her on a very regular basis indicated some kind of emotional attachment, and in principle, I believe a married person shouldn't be diverting that much time and attention away from his/her spouse. I confronted him about it and he said there was no sexual content or contact between them. And after I expressed that I was uncomfortable with the relationship, I indicated that I wanted him to limit his contact with her to work hours, except for occasional times when he has a specific reason to contact her otherwise. He feels he has the right to determine the bounds of this friendship and that I don't have a right to tell him how it should be. He slightly reduced the amount of text messages he sends her, but he still texts her every day, and several times a day. I'm devastated that he has chosen her over my concerns and feelings. Am I over-reacting? From a guy's standpoint, should a married man be allowed to have this kind of relationship with a woman who isn't his wife?
 

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NO, you are NOT over reacting. This is a huge danger to your marriage.

Download and read this book. Now. Your marriage is in serious trouble, and I really hope you've caught things before they go physical. Your husband is having an emotional affair (EA)

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"
 

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I agree with Hope1964, you're not overreacting. Granted I'm not 14 years old so I can't even imagine sending 200 texts in a day, let alone in an entire month.

It's not a matter of being allowed to have such a relationship. It should be a matter of knowing that such a relationship is likely to hurt your spouse's feelings and is at best disrespectful.

You shouldn't feel devious. I wouldn't care if my wife looked through all my text messages. What is that line about the only secrets in a marriage are in the bathroom or something like that. I keep a password on my phone in case it is stolen but she knows mine and I know hers.

Granted, curiosity has me wondering how benign is benign. If it's "where are the TPS reports - I can't find them" and "they're in the blue filing cabinet in the storeroom", then that's pretty benign. But if it's "how's your day going", which sounds benign when asked once a week, instead asked 200 times a day, then as a man I'd say there's at the very least an emotional attachment there.
 

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He feels he has the right to determine the bounds of this friendship
He does, but then you have the right to determine the length of your marriage. Make no mistake about it, this woman is no "friend".

When i joined this thread i wrote something that i think you should read:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49802-pointers-ladies.html

Don't let your husband sidetrack you or blind you to the fact that guys don't have real female friends unless their are fugly (and even so...).
 

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"Granted, curiosity has me wondering how benign is benign."


They talk about everything. They talk about the song that's on the radio. They talk about what they're doing that night. Whether they worked out that day or not. He tells her about our kids and whether or not we finished decorating the Christmas tree. She texts him for directions if she gets lost. You name it, they talk about it. To him it's all a bunch of "nothing" because it's not sexual. But I feel like it's everything.
 

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hamilton,

Please don't take this as me being curt. My wife would have the same reaction as Elin Woods with her nine iron, if I would have said she didn't have the right to tell me what the boundaries of her marriage were.

Yet in all seriousness, the boundaries of a marriage are to make our partners feel safe in he relationship. Your H is crossing those boundaries, YOU ARE NOT OVER REACTING.

You need to set your boundaries now or there will be much grief for you in the future.
 

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Can't thank you all enough for the feedback. Tough issue and hard to hear some of these things. I appreciate the help.
 

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I agree with the other posters. The activity you describe is way out of line. All that texting energy he seems to have should be directed at you and powering your marriage not at a coworker.
 

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I can SEE where your H would NOT think it was anything to worry about because there was no sex involved. Or even talk of a sexual nature.

BUT... YOU didn't know what an 'emotional affair' was before YOU got to TAM, did you? He needs to be educated about what an emotional affair is BEFORE it leads to something worse.

Would he be open to attending several couples therapy or marriage counseling sessions with you? It sounds as though he has emotional needs that aren't being recognized and met in the marriage, and YOU do, TOO! Find a good time to present the idea of SHORT-TERM counseling to him as a way to become more connected and build a stronger marriage that makes you BOTH happier, more peaceful people!
 

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200 texts a day, to and from work, at night, on vacation... There is only one reason I could see investing that much energy into trying to communicate with a female. He knows exactly what he is doing.
 

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Sorry to say but with that many text messages and daily, there is most likely something more going on. a guy simply would not do this otherwise, a lot of us dont even like to text, nevermind that much. Time to investigate a little. gl2u
 
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