Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
176 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Is there really such a thing as neediness? For those who accuse a person of being "needy" are not they just as distressed when their needs are not met? I suppose neediness is a problem with certain people. But what exactly is neediness?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,834 Posts
From the Free Online Dictionary:

need·y (nd)
adj. need·i·er, need·i·est
1. Being in need; impoverished. See Synonyms at poor.
2. Wanting or needing affection, attention, or reassurance, especially to an excessive degree.

This is subjective. Some couples like needing each other more than others. The problem occurs when the two who are married have different levels of need and/or different types of need which do not complement each other.
 
  • Like
Reactions: ManOhMan2013

·
Registered
Joined
·
795 Posts
To me "neediness" is when a person relies on others to "make them happy". When we give over our own power to others, inevitably they will always come up short and fail us. We, on the other hand will never be "happy" because the ability to be happy only lies within ourselves.

A needy person is subconsciously a selfish person and even at times they can be emotionally harmful to others. The expectations they put on other to "fill them up" is unrealistic and draining.

An example of this would be someone who wants to hang out with you ALL the time. They never seem to be able to find anything to do on their own. They depend on you to fill their social calendar and put on a pity parry when you don't. They may have no interests or hobbies that bring them happiness, unless you do it with them, and they may insinuate that it is your fault when they don't have a good time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
174 Posts
there is. I know I am a "needy" person. It has become worse as the years of problems and stress have rolled by. I have very few friends, my marriage can be a rollercoaster, and there can be lots of financial stress. these combined have made me want extra validation and attention from others. since my wife is pretty much the only person I interact with, I was becoming unrealisticly dependent on her to validate and prop me up. it's been hard to move away from that, but I've been working on being more dependent on myself. losing weight, dressing better, doing things I like to do recreationaly, even though I have to do them by myself. I've even put myself out there and started making myself talk to people I run across who seem to have similar interests. someday maybe I'll have friends I can do things with.

the point I'm trying to make, is that even though you will always have that "hole" inside, you can learn to help fill it yourself, rather than hoping someone else will.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
795 Posts
It is all about having an even balance. Of course when you get married you want to spend time with the other person. But as soulsearch stated, when you RELY on that person to constantly validate you, or Make you happy, this becomes unrealistic.

There is a difference between, say a H goes on a business trip for a week to, say Hawaii. He is seeing all these beautiful sights and shares with his W that he wishes she was there to share it with him (this is normal). VS a H that goes and refuses to go see any sights and stays in his motel room because his W is not there to go with him. He tells himself and her that he just cannot enjoy it without her even though she encourages him to go have fun (this is neediness).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
562 Posts
I read an article on sex,attraction and love and it defined neediness as immaturity. I will buy that, coupled with insecurity and a hesitancy to stand on your own. I have been needy and as I realize I am on my own, no prince or father figure is going to help me and my children, I am less needy.

Mend your own hole from within, it is difficult but you can do it and then maybe the Universe will provide you with another healthy person. One can only hope right?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
795 Posts
This is just my opinion. 2ntnuf, everyone has needs and desires. That is normal. Humans are social beings, we like (most of us anyway) being around other people. That is normal. We get married because we find someone that we enjoy, love and WANT to be around, do stuff with and share our lives with. Again, that is normal.

The term "neediness" really does suggest that there is some kind of emotional baggage going on with that person. The needy person then depends on others to "fix" their problem - whatever it is. Maybe their problem is they are afraid of abandonment and so they become overly clingy. Maybe they have slight depression and depend on others to lift their depression and make them happy. Or like soulsearch said, maybe they have lost their self value due to job failures, emotional abuse, etc. and they rely on others to fill that back up.

This is where "neediness" takes hold. When you depend on others to "fix" you, you are setting up a dependence on others to solve your emotional needs and they can't do that. This starts a vicious cycle that can lead to a co-dependent relationship. Eventually the other person becomes drained and resentful because the needy person never finds happiness, value, security or whatever it is they are needing. These problems have to be fixed from the inside, many times through counseling.

The difference between a "needy" person and someone who is say depressed is that the depressed person will go to the Dr. and/or counselor and try to get help. The needy person puts the responsibility of whatever is vexing them onto others.
'If only you would do this, then I would be happy". "If only you were here with me, then I would be happy". "If only you would tell me I was a good person, then I would believe it". - But no matter how much the other person does or says what is "needed" it never changes. Again, it is because they are looking for someone else to MAKE them feel better. This cannot happen, we must be responsible for our own feelings, and only when a needy person realized this can they start to heal and stop the unrealistic expectations of others.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
795 Posts
A sort of blameshifting occurs? The needy tells the other spouse that they are the problem. The needy person thinks they don't have a problem.

Okay. Makes more sense. I can see that. I can see how that would make someone who is weak, codependent. A strong person would sit them down and tell them they will not stand for that and if they don't get help and change, they will have to leave.
Yes, I guess it is a type of blame shifting. But usually not in a hostile way. They "need" you - to do this or that. It is more of a "don't you feel sorry for me" type attitude.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
795 Posts
there is. I know I am a "needy" person. It has become worse as the years of problems and stress have rolled by. I have very few friends, my marriage can be a rollercoaster, and there can be lots of financial stress. these combined have made me want extra validation and attention from others. since my wife is pretty much the only person I interact with, I was becoming unrealisticly dependent on her to validate and prop me up. it's been hard to move away from that, but I've been working on being more dependent on myself. losing weight, dressing better, doing things I like to do recreationaly, even though I have to do them by myself. I've even put myself out there and started making myself talk to people I run across who seem to have similar interests. someday maybe I'll have friends I can do things with.

the point I'm trying to make, is that even though you will always have that "hole" inside, you can learn to help fill it yourself, rather than hoping someone else will.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I know it wasn't easy.....
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,834 Posts
Sorry bud. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
345 Posts
To me "neediness" is when a person relies on others to "make them happy". When we give over our own power to others, inevitably they will always come up short and fail us. We, on the other hand will never be "happy" because the ability to be happy only lies within ourselves.

A needy person is subconsciously a selfish person and even at times they can be emotionally harmful to others. The expectations they put on other to "fill them up" is unrealistic and draining.

An example of this would be someone who wants to hang out with you ALL the time. They never seem to be able to find anything to do on their own. They depend on you to fill their social calendar and put on a pity parry when you don't. They may have no interests or hobbies that bring them happiness, unless you do it with them, and they may insinuate that it is your fault when they don't have a good time.
:iagree:

OMG you have described my stbxh

I am FRAMING this, so I never forget!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
345 Posts
I'm serious.. I just printed it :)

I think this tends to turn old and abusive really fast.. the neediness people describe is actually a testament of character IMO.

Now, if both of you are in your early 20's maybe being a bit needy is okay.. but in your 30's etc? It turns into a real problem because you tend to blame shift your insecurity onto that person who is supposed to make you "happy'

I can almost guarantee that if you match this up with someone impulsive and angry it's a total disaster that ends in a lot of heartache.

And I think there are severities of this, certainly it's different if you have this issue, recognize it, have no anger towards your partner and just genuinely need to work on yourself socially.

BUT this is different than the type of person who will tear down your self esteem to build their non existent one up.

So is someone needy because they are insecure or is it more a manipulation tactic/control issue?

That's the difference I think. The insecurity? I could live with that and help my partner work on this.. but the other one? RUN as fast as you can.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,224 Posts
We use the word "happy" a lot. I think the word "satisfied" is more appropriate.

We can't always be happy. But we can be satisfied and know that we are doing our best within our ability. I think being satisfied is more akin to feeling peace .

gratitude goes hand in hand with feeling satisfied. you can hardly be grateful when you rely on someone else to fill that hole inside of you . the other person at best can only succeed occasionally . If all you can see is that deficit you won't be grateful when they do their best and it happens to coincide with what you want .

I don't think anyone can be truly happy knowing that their spouse is too afraid to do anything but keep peace . knowing that contributes to insecurity . its all fake . it is all coerced. its a foundation built on shifting sands .

each of us at some time in our lives have been needy and you will be needy again in the future . if we haven't caused our spouse emotional fatigue they will have a lot less trouble being there to offer support. If they are condemned to a lifetime propping us up, no way .

when I look back on my periods of neediness and that's exactly what it was, I'm ashamed . I gave up my responsibility to someone else .

now I'm not talking about when we were children and we needed nurturing to develop into loving "can do" people. without a few adults jumping in trying to show me that I could fill those holes myself through my own gifts and talents I wouldn't be where I am right now . I certainly wouldn't be talking to you . because Id have nothing to say of any value .

its when I was older and I let typically men be responsible for what was lacking inside of me that causes me shame. and she's probably not the right word but disappointment in myself . recognizing it and trying to do better has been the biggest factor in filling in the holes .

good luck everybody! it's tough to be human !

...You can't always get what you want, but if YOU try sometime you might just get what you need...
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
345 Posts
Thank you bunny. I am glad it spoke to you. It is hard to tell on these posts if you are helping or not sometimes.
Well I think women, and I am no exception to this are just wired to be caring and put someones needs first. Sometimes we need to see things in black and white or reaffirm how we feel :)

So yes I think the posts help us, always... even if we don't have the time to say "thank you" or we realize it too late.

I appreciate everyone on this forum very much. I had such a dark time a few weeks ago.. I was taking Xanax daily, sleeping.. thinking some insane thoughts about ending it all.. and then I got on TAM, read.. and pulled myself together.

I'm starting a new job tomorrow and am going ahead with my divorce from abusive arrogant stbx :)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,224 Posts
The beauty of a forum like this is that you're spreading out the support load over dozens of people... and probably a lot more than that - the people that never post but are pulling for you .

Knock 'em dead tomorrow!!! A new job is very exciting! !
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
14,190 Posts
To me "neediness" is when a person relies on others to "make them happy". When we give over our own power to others, inevitably they will always come up short and fail us. We, on the other hand will never be "happy" because the ability to be happy only lies within ourselves.

A needy person is subconsciously a selfish person and even at times they can be emotionally harmful to others. The expectations they put on other to "fill them up" is unrealistic and draining.

An example of this would be someone who wants to hang out with you ALL the time. They never seem to be able to find anything to do on their own. They depend on you to fill their social calendar and put on a pity parry when you don't. They may have no interests or hobbies that bring them happiness, unless you do it with them, and they may insinuate that it is your fault when they don't have a good time.
What you describe here could be called "THE SPONGE" taken from THIS BOOK

Can read the Sponge Chapter here >> High-Maintenance Relationships - Les Parrott - Google Books

High Maintenance Relationships: The Sponge

The Anatomy of a Sponge

Constantly in need; gives nothing back
Clingy
Stifling
Needy
Guilt-inducing
Fearful
Egocentric
Smothering
Crisis-oriented

Understanding a Sponge

Sponges suffer from terribly low self-esteem.
Sponges are desperately trying to merge with another person in a vain attempt to feel better about themselves.

Sponges don’t posess enough self worth to stand on their own two feet, so they try to stand on yours.

Sponges, more than most other high-maintenance relationships, are crying out, strangely enough, to be needed.

The avaricious man is like the barren sandy ground of the desert which sucks in all the rain and dew with greediness, but yields no fruitful herbs or plants for the benefit of others.

Do you know a Sponge?

If you can answer yes to at least 10 of these questions then you are in a relationship with a Sponge.

1. Sometimes I feel that this person is attached to my side.
2. Rarely does this person explore my needs and concerns.
3. Sometimes it feels as if this person is literally soaking up my time and resources.
4. This relationship may be close in some respects, but it is stagnant.
5. This person almost always appears to be needy.
6. When I say no to this person, I often feel guilty.
7. This person is clingy and needy.
8. I often feel smothered by this person.
9. It sometimes feels as if this person is simply moving from one crisis to another.
10. At times I feel as if this person is pulling me under.
11. This person has a fear of missing out or being left out.
12. I have difficulty setting boundaries with this person.
13. I spend a disproportionate amount of time working on this person’s problems and concerns compared to my own.
14. This person is not afraid to ask for a favor.
15. This person often drains my energy.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,224 Posts
I think you misunderstand what we mean by satisfied. it certainly isn't the antithesis of happy. and it isn't equivalent of settling. perhaps you were thinking of the word resigned instead of satisfied. feeling satisfied doesn't involve a sense of helplessness. someone who is resign to their luck in life when their life isn't particularly good takes on an air of sadness. they feel stuck in a hole if they can't get out of. if you are truly unhappy yet you try to convince yourself otherwise you are anything but satisfied.

being satisfied is not self deceptive. is it a game that you play to make yourself feel better.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top