Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello-

My wife and I have been married now for over 4 years. I am having lots of thoughts that things are not on the right track and have been thinking a lot about divorce. I wish this was a simple post but I think you will agree that everything does impact your suggestions back to me.

Back many years ago when we met, family, friends, and such were a big part of our lives. I was fortunate enough to have a boat, a nice house, and a part ownership in a successful business. We enjoyed time out on the water, doing things with family and friends, and such. We also made sure that we had time for the two of us. It seemed that we both enjoyed life!

From the beginning of our relationship (once we realized it was fairly serious) we started talking about expectations for our lives. We both wanted kids, we shared a lot of common interests, we had a lot of similarities.

We got married. Things went good for the first year or so. After that, things began to change. We ended up selling our boat because we barely used it anymore. We started spending less time with our friends and ended up staying home more. I am not a total ass. I realize that married life cannot continue exactly the same as single life. I did not get too worried about it.

Another year went by and things got worse. Less time with friends, more time at home and started feeling like less time with my family. I stopped asking to do things with friends and such because she would get mad at me or would say "yeah that sounds good" then change her mind. This lead to some disagreements! I am a pretty calm person and I usually do not say much unless something really bothers me. It got to the point where I had to say something. We talked and she said that she did not feel like we were growing apart from our friends and such but would work on trying to make things better. Things maybe got a touch better but not any big improvement. This was the case for a few months then we slipped right back into the same rut that I feel is pulling us apart from our friends and slowly from my family.

On top of all this, I am a partner in a business. If you own a business, you know there are busy times and slow times. During the busy times I am working 6 days a week - mostly 8.5 hour days and 6.5 hour for one day. Of course there are a few times that are more than this. When something comes up, it is always a big deal if I cannot get off work, especially during the busy times of year. I try to make the best decisions I can. I do not always so no- I have to work, but I do not always refuse to go where ever we may be going. This has been the cause of some of our fights - "you always put work before family". I get the feeling that if I do not get a day off during the week and ability to leave whenever I want from work, then I am making the wrong decision in her mind.

Lately, it seems that we get into some type of argument about every 30 days or so. In the last year, I feel like I am loosing the strength of my friendships and beginning to loose my "care" in our relationship.

We got into a big argument recently and I told her that I was not happy and considering a divorce. I had been thinking about this for a few months - am I truely happy in my marriage. I did not know when the right time to bring it up would be, but it was quite obvious when the time was here - she asked me "you are happy with our marriage, right?" I started crying and told her that I could not answer yes to that question. She was totally suprized by my answer. That was a long night. We stayed up late talking about things and there was a lot of crying.

I voiced my thoughts of why I was unhappy. I also thru out the statement that until I am happy and convinced our marriage is going to work - trying for kids are on hold. Last thing I want to do is bring kids into this at this point. As you can image this made things worse.

She feels that a lot of this is my fault. I dont ask to do things with my friends and family. I dont ask because it has a good chance of resulting in a fight. I feel like I am walking on eggshells every time I want to do something. If she doesnt want to go or something she tells me to go but has this way of making me feel totally guilty about going.

A few more details - she moved to my area of the country only a few years before we met. She has not really made any of her own friends. She is friendly to most of my friends but she always throws up the idea that she has no friends that know her and doesnt have anyone except her family which live 30 min away.

I know that i have to walk a fine line between family and business. There are times when each will be 2nd to the other. I try to make the best decisions I can about these issues. I also realize that marriage is not single life. However it seems that we do not share any of the same interests. I like outdoors / she likes being at home. I like being around people / she likes it being the 2 of us or being with her family. I feel like we spend much more time with her family than mine (my family feels the same way - I have asked them) and she feels like she never gets to see her family. She thinks I put business before family all the time - i feel I do my best to put family first but work does have to come first at time. She thinks everything in our marriage is good - I do not think so and I am questioning things. She wants kids and right now - I am not ready for kids.

Also, due to all this, I am beginning to get that feeling that "I dont care anymore" and my feeling of attraction to her is dimishing.

Am I wasting time in both our lives to give it some time and see how things turn out? She does not want a divorce and told me that she would not ask me for a divorce. I went into everything thinking a divorce would be best and she talked me out of it for the time being.

HELP! I am totally confused. I need some unbiased outside advice. I got some in a previous relationship and it was some of the best advice I got in my life. Feel free to ask me questions too - I will try to answer to my best ability.

I may have cut the info too short or may have babbled too much - I dont know. I am a new member and have not done a forum like this before for this type of thing.

Thanks in advance!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
How is your sex life?

How fast did you get married after meeting?

5 yrs. is a short marriage. Have you thought about marriage counseling to work on the marriage or do you just want out?

Also keep in mind that it usually is just one person in a marriage that wants out (you). She may not be truly happy but content enough with the status quo - which isn't cutting it for you.

Does she work full-time outside the home?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,546 Posts
Are you spending to much time on the business?

She needs to do something to make friends.

If she doesn't want to go and you do just go and stop walking on eggshells and feeling guilty.
That said do not do it all the time have a good balance.


How is your sex life? Do you flirt?

Who does the house work?
Does she work?

And lastly you married her and made vows. Take them seriously and try everything before jumping to divorce. Tell her you are serious and you want to see real change and effort and compromise from her, but you have to be willing to do the same.
Get to marraige counseling, find s good one (change if they are no good) and keep going.

Good luck.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
First of all, I think it's a good idea that you guys are holding off on children until after you get your issues resolved. This doesn't sound like a good time to be bringing a children into the equation.

You need to sit down and really figure out what you want out of this marriage. During your discussion, was she willing to meet your needs? Are you doing enough to meet her needs? It may be helpful to involve a thirty party counselor into your discussions to help you get through the bumps in the road.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Our sex life is ok. Its not real frequent, but it is my decision. Up until lately, it was once or twice every other week. I have been trying to resist because we have unprotected sex and the whole kid thing. We were together for about a yr and 1/2 before married. She works part time. I have thought about counselling but that's about it. Part of me wants out and part does not. I want to be happy in life. I am not miserable but not happy either.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
she keeps telling me that its all about me being happy. she does everything she can to make me happy because she has no one else. I do not feel that way. I feel like I try to live my life to make her happy. I did not mention before, but I think she is semi depressed also.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,592 Posts
First
Make sure that you do not get her pregnant!
That would make any decision a LOT more difficult.

Your sex life is pathatic for a young man.

The best that I can tell, you feel that your wife is smothering you and restricting you.

That is not a real good reason to divorce because it can be improved with the proper actions. I can understand your distaste for your situation.

If you both do not improve I am afraid that you will not last many more years.

Bottom line is that I would encourage you and your wife to get some help and see if you can improve so that you have the relationship that you had years ago or at least a better reklationship than you have right now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
37 Posts
Can you ask her if she is depressed or offer to take her to a doctor to get looked into? How about suggesting individual counselling? and then if you want to after you also go to IC then suggest MC. I wonder if you may feel bad if you dont even try MC??
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top