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3 Posts
Hello-
My wife and I have been married now for over 4 years. I am having lots of thoughts that things are not on the right track and have been thinking a lot about divorce. I wish this was a simple post but I think you will agree that everything does impact your suggestions back to me.
Back many years ago when we met, family, friends, and such were a big part of our lives. I was fortunate enough to have a boat, a nice house, and a part ownership in a successful business. We enjoyed time out on the water, doing things with family and friends, and such. We also made sure that we had time for the two of us. It seemed that we both enjoyed life!
From the beginning of our relationship (once we realized it was fairly serious) we started talking about expectations for our lives. We both wanted kids, we shared a lot of common interests, we had a lot of similarities.
We got married. Things went good for the first year or so. After that, things began to change. We ended up selling our boat because we barely used it anymore. We started spending less time with our friends and ended up staying home more. I am not a total ass. I realize that married life cannot continue exactly the same as single life. I did not get too worried about it.
Another year went by and things got worse. Less time with friends, more time at home and started feeling like less time with my family. I stopped asking to do things with friends and such because she would get mad at me or would say "yeah that sounds good" then change her mind. This lead to some disagreements! I am a pretty calm person and I usually do not say much unless something really bothers me. It got to the point where I had to say something. We talked and she said that she did not feel like we were growing apart from our friends and such but would work on trying to make things better. Things maybe got a touch better but not any big improvement. This was the case for a few months then we slipped right back into the same rut that I feel is pulling us apart from our friends and slowly from my family.
On top of all this, I am a partner in a business. If you own a business, you know there are busy times and slow times. During the busy times I am working 6 days a week - mostly 8.5 hour days and 6.5 hour for one day. Of course there are a few times that are more than this. When something comes up, it is always a big deal if I cannot get off work, especially during the busy times of year. I try to make the best decisions I can. I do not always so no- I have to work, but I do not always refuse to go where ever we may be going. This has been the cause of some of our fights - "you always put work before family". I get the feeling that if I do not get a day off during the week and ability to leave whenever I want from work, then I am making the wrong decision in her mind.
Lately, it seems that we get into some type of argument about every 30 days or so. In the last year, I feel like I am loosing the strength of my friendships and beginning to loose my "care" in our relationship.
We got into a big argument recently and I told her that I was not happy and considering a divorce. I had been thinking about this for a few months - am I truely happy in my marriage. I did not know when the right time to bring it up would be, but it was quite obvious when the time was here - she asked me "you are happy with our marriage, right?" I started crying and told her that I could not answer yes to that question. She was totally suprized by my answer. That was a long night. We stayed up late talking about things and there was a lot of crying.
I voiced my thoughts of why I was unhappy. I also thru out the statement that until I am happy and convinced our marriage is going to work - trying for kids are on hold. Last thing I want to do is bring kids into this at this point. As you can image this made things worse.
She feels that a lot of this is my fault. I dont ask to do things with my friends and family. I dont ask because it has a good chance of resulting in a fight. I feel like I am walking on eggshells every time I want to do something. If she doesnt want to go or something she tells me to go but has this way of making me feel totally guilty about going.
A few more details - she moved to my area of the country only a few years before we met. She has not really made any of her own friends. She is friendly to most of my friends but she always throws up the idea that she has no friends that know her and doesnt have anyone except her family which live 30 min away.
I know that i have to walk a fine line between family and business. There are times when each will be 2nd to the other. I try to make the best decisions I can about these issues. I also realize that marriage is not single life. However it seems that we do not share any of the same interests. I like outdoors / she likes being at home. I like being around people / she likes it being the 2 of us or being with her family. I feel like we spend much more time with her family than mine (my family feels the same way - I have asked them) and she feels like she never gets to see her family. She thinks I put business before family all the time - i feel I do my best to put family first but work does have to come first at time. She thinks everything in our marriage is good - I do not think so and I am questioning things. She wants kids and right now - I am not ready for kids.
Also, due to all this, I am beginning to get that feeling that "I dont care anymore" and my feeling of attraction to her is dimishing.
Am I wasting time in both our lives to give it some time and see how things turn out? She does not want a divorce and told me that she would not ask me for a divorce. I went into everything thinking a divorce would be best and she talked me out of it for the time being.
HELP! I am totally confused. I need some unbiased outside advice. I got some in a previous relationship and it was some of the best advice I got in my life. Feel free to ask me questions too - I will try to answer to my best ability.
I may have cut the info too short or may have babbled too much - I dont know. I am a new member and have not done a forum like this before for this type of thing.
Thanks in advance!
My wife and I have been married now for over 4 years. I am having lots of thoughts that things are not on the right track and have been thinking a lot about divorce. I wish this was a simple post but I think you will agree that everything does impact your suggestions back to me.
Back many years ago when we met, family, friends, and such were a big part of our lives. I was fortunate enough to have a boat, a nice house, and a part ownership in a successful business. We enjoyed time out on the water, doing things with family and friends, and such. We also made sure that we had time for the two of us. It seemed that we both enjoyed life!
From the beginning of our relationship (once we realized it was fairly serious) we started talking about expectations for our lives. We both wanted kids, we shared a lot of common interests, we had a lot of similarities.
We got married. Things went good for the first year or so. After that, things began to change. We ended up selling our boat because we barely used it anymore. We started spending less time with our friends and ended up staying home more. I am not a total ass. I realize that married life cannot continue exactly the same as single life. I did not get too worried about it.
Another year went by and things got worse. Less time with friends, more time at home and started feeling like less time with my family. I stopped asking to do things with friends and such because she would get mad at me or would say "yeah that sounds good" then change her mind. This lead to some disagreements! I am a pretty calm person and I usually do not say much unless something really bothers me. It got to the point where I had to say something. We talked and she said that she did not feel like we were growing apart from our friends and such but would work on trying to make things better. Things maybe got a touch better but not any big improvement. This was the case for a few months then we slipped right back into the same rut that I feel is pulling us apart from our friends and slowly from my family.
On top of all this, I am a partner in a business. If you own a business, you know there are busy times and slow times. During the busy times I am working 6 days a week - mostly 8.5 hour days and 6.5 hour for one day. Of course there are a few times that are more than this. When something comes up, it is always a big deal if I cannot get off work, especially during the busy times of year. I try to make the best decisions I can. I do not always so no- I have to work, but I do not always refuse to go where ever we may be going. This has been the cause of some of our fights - "you always put work before family". I get the feeling that if I do not get a day off during the week and ability to leave whenever I want from work, then I am making the wrong decision in her mind.
Lately, it seems that we get into some type of argument about every 30 days or so. In the last year, I feel like I am loosing the strength of my friendships and beginning to loose my "care" in our relationship.
We got into a big argument recently and I told her that I was not happy and considering a divorce. I had been thinking about this for a few months - am I truely happy in my marriage. I did not know when the right time to bring it up would be, but it was quite obvious when the time was here - she asked me "you are happy with our marriage, right?" I started crying and told her that I could not answer yes to that question. She was totally suprized by my answer. That was a long night. We stayed up late talking about things and there was a lot of crying.
I voiced my thoughts of why I was unhappy. I also thru out the statement that until I am happy and convinced our marriage is going to work - trying for kids are on hold. Last thing I want to do is bring kids into this at this point. As you can image this made things worse.
She feels that a lot of this is my fault. I dont ask to do things with my friends and family. I dont ask because it has a good chance of resulting in a fight. I feel like I am walking on eggshells every time I want to do something. If she doesnt want to go or something she tells me to go but has this way of making me feel totally guilty about going.
A few more details - she moved to my area of the country only a few years before we met. She has not really made any of her own friends. She is friendly to most of my friends but she always throws up the idea that she has no friends that know her and doesnt have anyone except her family which live 30 min away.
I know that i have to walk a fine line between family and business. There are times when each will be 2nd to the other. I try to make the best decisions I can about these issues. I also realize that marriage is not single life. However it seems that we do not share any of the same interests. I like outdoors / she likes being at home. I like being around people / she likes it being the 2 of us or being with her family. I feel like we spend much more time with her family than mine (my family feels the same way - I have asked them) and she feels like she never gets to see her family. She thinks I put business before family all the time - i feel I do my best to put family first but work does have to come first at time. She thinks everything in our marriage is good - I do not think so and I am questioning things. She wants kids and right now - I am not ready for kids.
Also, due to all this, I am beginning to get that feeling that "I dont care anymore" and my feeling of attraction to her is dimishing.
Am I wasting time in both our lives to give it some time and see how things turn out? She does not want a divorce and told me that she would not ask me for a divorce. I went into everything thinking a divorce would be best and she talked me out of it for the time being.
HELP! I am totally confused. I need some unbiased outside advice. I got some in a previous relationship and it was some of the best advice I got in my life. Feel free to ask me questions too - I will try to answer to my best ability.
I may have cut the info too short or may have babbled too much - I dont know. I am a new member and have not done a forum like this before for this type of thing.
Thanks in advance!
