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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello,

I'm a male, but thought posting in this forum would give me some perspective into the female thought process on this subject. I have been with my wife for close to 18 years, married for 13. WE have had a typical marriage of ups and downs, but for the most part our sex life has remained very active and enjoyable for both! As has the emotional part. We are very good at communication.

Over the last six months we have been fantasizing about having a MMF threesome. A common thread among couples who have been together as long as we have. This is something that when we talk about during sex mutually turns us both on. I am straight, so the excitement derives from me more or less enjoying the sight of my wife being pleasured by another man.

She works hard with her job and is a wonderful mother, and I have always wanted her to experience all that life has to offer. Now mind you, we have awesome sex, where she'll hit climax anywhere from 2-5 times a session. But to see her have a change of pace, something fresh and new, while enjoyed in my company I thought would be a treat for us.

I decided to see where this would go, and introduced an acquaintance of mine to my wife via email. She had never met him. Never knew him. I told him to email her and flirt with her all in good fun. She works from home, stays at home, and has little male interaction in her life so I thought this would be a good way for her to get charged up. Well I was right. She asked of course if she could email him back and I agreed, and for the next week she informed me of all their conversations, which had turned to sexting. Which charged our sex life even further as role playing turned into her being my naughty little wife. So we were having conversations about bringing him into the bedroom for a one night romp...just conversations. No plans.

In between that time, my wife had to take a three night business trip. Well on the last night, she failed to respond to some of my texts after I knew she was at the bar. Which is totally out of character for her. Immediate red light goes off in my head, and I'm thinking something is up.

Turns out she met four men, one of which gently talked her into going back to his room within a matter of two hours. He knew she was married, shocker. She told me she was completely drunk. She is tiny, only 110lbs, and drank four whiskey's before they even showed up..again totally out of character.

She doesn't remember why she actually did what she did, but that it had something to do with our mind games. She said it was all very surreal. She went back to his room, they made out, he took of all her clothing, kissed and sucked on her bre***s, and performed oral on her as well as some other things. But they didn't actually have intercourse. She said as he moved up towards her on the bed, that she was brought back into reality and pushed him off. He obliged and apologized and she left.

She confessed all this to me the next night. Not only that, but told her parents and my parents as well. She was guilt stricken for a very long time, and contemplated suicide even although just to me, which I associated to the newness of the guilt. Those feelings passed within 24 hours for her. But she felt very guilty, crying, disgusted in herself.

Where this really gets sick, is after she told me I left. I was so upset that I went and stayed at a hotel last night and just sat there replaying the events in my head. I forced her to tell me everything, and she hesitantly confessed to more and more.

The next day I came home and we went upstairs into our bedroom to talk. She was sitting on the bed and telling me how sorry she was for what she did. I couldn't help what happened next. I told her to fall to her knees and shift over towards me. I then told her to perform fellatio on me, and she complied, and I felt anger and power all in one sensation. I love my wife. And these feelings scared me, yet excited me.

Over the next four weeks our sex life has been off the charts. I have forgiven her for her incident, and although I don't believe she stopped him, I really have no other choice but to accept it.

This is so very out of character for my wife. She didn't even know his last name. But as time went on and I began to realize, I don't know how out of character this actually is? She has always had an inner edge that I knew existed, but never was given the chance to blossom? We married young, she was 23. I'm no prude either, so I wasn't preventing said "edge" from appearing in our lives. Fast forward to now, and my current challenges :

1 Two weeks after the incident she went to get her nipples pierced. I was with her of course, and was turned on by the thought so I said yeah, let's do it.

2. We continue to fantasize about this third person, and although I made her discontinue the sexting with that other man, we still talk about MMF scenarios during sex, and it's not always her bringing it up.

3. Most troubling, is she had some wine the other night, and was away on business. We were sending naughty pics back and forth, and she told me that "You know you're all I need, you satisfy me, I don't need anyone else, but if you want to explore this we should discuss it" And when I said I wasn't sure, she got all snippy at me. Told me "Screw you" That I'm messing with her mind. I just let it go that night because I knew she had been drinking.

So...My wife, similar to many females, has this sudden urge to be naughty. She is only 36, and I want her to live out her inner "edge" just in a controlled safe environment not jeopardizing our marriage like she almost did already. She has told me everything, and we remain deeply in love. We are even in MC now and not holding back any feelings, as I believe no matter what it is we're feeling not being honest is doing our family no good.

I'm seeking advice on how to stop her from believing this fantasy may become a reality because it's not the actual act that won't turn me on, but it's the aftermath I don't think she is fully considering like I am. We have two young children, and I can't imagine complicating their lives for a night of euphoria brought on by sex. Yes, the idea turns me on significantly, but her behavior the other night about being upset that I'm not in agreement with taking strides to make this happen has me thinking....

We love each other. There has been no other infidelity in our marriage, and I have forgiven her for the incident, however the fact that this happened only a month ago, and she is already wanting to get back to introducing another person into our bed is alarming, no matter how much the thought turns me on.
 

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I'm not sure I exactly know what you are asking. You seem to be asking how you can let your wife know that you aren't okay with this fantasy actually becoming a reality. Is that right? But when you describe giving her permission to sext with your friend, I was under the impression, and maybe your wife was also, that you were okay for that to lead to the real thing.

From your post I felt like I was getting mixed signals from you and so maybe your wife is too. Maybe in the beginning you were okay with it but having seen her behavior, now you're not so sure. And seems like you need to have that conversation. Maybe you would be okay with her being with another guy as long as you can trust her to do it with you present, but her evening in the hotel would rightly have you doubting whether she would follow that kind of agreement. From the little bit I know, swinging / 3somes can only work if the partners involved trust each other explicitly and do exactly what their partners ask.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Firebelly,

I believe you're right on the mixed signals, however it was never about a one on one affair. Where she broke trust. And she addresses her mistake as a wake up call as to what the fantasy always was about, and that was the both of us. I'm concerned that with her most recent miscue, and the rush to commence our conversations about doing it that where does this end? We do it, and it's great....and????

I have trust issues with her. I see her point about the mind games, but honestly, we're all adults, and I fear she used that as an excuse to get away with being care free for a night. I have tried to remain partial to judgment based on the variables involved, but I'm not quite sure I'm comfortable moving forward with a threesome even with me present so quickly after she broke my trust.

She has use words and phrases, like "mid-life crisis". She is a very attractive woman, both physically and mentally so to see her confidence become even more defined since her step into infidelity it really has me thinking...
 

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Yeah - so I can see why you're concerned about it now. She doesn't seem to just want to do it once and be done, she seems to be going through something that the two of you need to work out. I would start with..."I was okay with some playing but now I'm concerned about our marriage." That accurate?
 

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And this is why I am completely AGAINST swinging! MMF, MFF, FFF, h*ll, whatever scenario you can think of.

Your INTIMACY has been violated. Someone else has entered your "space." Now you are going crazy picturing other men in your place.

You need to reel this fantasy life in, or else accept what YOU have created.
 

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Threesome are a trap do not fall for it. What you need to do is work on your marriage you guys have issues that need to be resolved before you bring in a another party.
 

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Did you even discuss boundaries and process surrounding the idea? Clearly she went outside what was expected, but perhaps didn't know what was expected. Anyway, preemptively acting on any such fantasy without your approval and participation is cheating, IMO. Also, you can change your mind at any time about making any fantasy a reality, and there should be no argument about that. You are a couple, so it needs to be a joint decision.
 
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So......you want to enjoy getting your wife excited about having sex with someone else......and then are upset because she wants to do it????

Can you see how that's not going to work?

You have got to pick what you want here. If you don't want her to start thinking about doing it with other men, you will have to quit feeding that fantasy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
So as adult human beings, we shouldn't be able to detach ourselves from fantasy and reality? I don't buy into that youkiddingme. Yes, we discussed how hot it would be, but at no point was there a green light to go mess around with anyone, regardless of what fantasy we BOTH were having.

I am upset that she did what she did and broke the trust that we're in counseling seeking to repair.

But to think our sex should be vanilla because any fantasy we discuss during it automatically means "This is what my husband and I fantasize about so this is what I'm going to do..."

That is a ludicrous excuse for infidelity.

Boundaries weren't discussed because it was just a fantasy. We were pushing the line, but never had a plan to make it a reality.

Firebelly, I agree with you. I'm concerned that this episode while she was away stirred up some energy to be desired by other men, which I know can be a very intense feeling for women, and she seems to just be riding the wave. But I know if we went through with it, I can't honestly say that I'm confident it would stop at the one adventure.

So if I tell her this isn't happening, what is stopping her from doing it on her own?

I do appreciate everyones comments.
 

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So if I tell her this isn't happening, what is stopping her from doing it on her own?

I do appreciate everyones comments.
This question - what's stopping my SO from cheating - is a question for everybody no matter what fantasies or activities you entertain. You can't control what she does. Period. You are vulnerable and there's no running from it. Time to buddha up on this one and be honest and present with yourself and her and accept that the chips will fall where they may. I think it's good you're in counselling.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
therosenberg,

I appreciate your comments. And yes, I can't honestly say we wouldn't have gone through with it the first time had she not stepped into this mess while away. So now for me it becomes more of a "well is this just for her afterall???" I don't know. I know she was eternally distraught and disgusted by her actions and vowed to never do that again without me. But I do agree with some of your points. Women of today are not like women of yesteryear, and either is your traditional marriage.

I'd rather my wife enjoy some fun and explore her sexuality with me there in the know, full on communication then have it like half the men commenting, with their wives doing it behind their back. To think that your wife will be content with one penis and man for eternity is ignorant. They may not all be acting on their desire, but the desire is there.

But for me it continues to be the what if's that prevent me from moving forward. Until I can grasp and be content with the what if's everything is on hold.

My wife is a highly charged sexually individual right now and I just want to embrace it, "carefully" rather than make her feel wrong for having her feelings and thus pushing her away. I hope that makes some sense.
 

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Why aren't the guys pointing out that when you offer your wife to other men it tells her she's of little value to you?
OP, I get that you want your wife to have fun but maybe the message she's actually getting is that you don't value her. Based on your story I don't see how she could possibly have known what your boundaries are; if your only goal is for her to have fun why can't she do it away from you? Did you make clear you had to be there, in which case it's only partially about her fun and partially because you want to see your wife with another man? That tells her she's of low value.
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Life,

I know it's difficult to understand looking in from the outside, but my wife knows her value to me. I love her. She does not feel like you're suggesting, but looking in, I understand you. I think the thought of pleasing me as a dominant sexual mate also plays into the scenario.

There was never an understanding that she could act alone, and I think that's where even though we were playing these highly sexual driven games that she is so disgusted, because intelligence wise she is off the charts, and knowing that she misread her desires that led to this incident drove her mad, until she finally believed I forgave her.

I never said we were a traditional sexual couple, you know missionary once a week and lights out. We have some complex sexual mind games that have become part of our therapy into understanding the underlying behavioral concepts of why they exist and safe ways to explore them.
 

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...maybe your wife loves the idea as a fantasy, but when the chance came to make it a reality, she changed her mind, as you explained.
Ummm... maybe I'm missing something here. I don't think she changed her mind at all. She allowed a man to go down on her and perform oral sex! Booze, "surrealness," out-of-body experience, she can call it what she wants, but she still had sex with a stranger.

Stopping short of intercourse does not mean they didn't have sex. Oral sex is about as intimate as you can get, in my opinion.
 

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how do you know there was no piv?
Again, who cares about PIV?!?! In my opinion, deep tongue kissing and oral sex are FAR more intimate than b*nging away with a stranger. My God, the woman allowed a stranger to lick the pie, the holiest of holy places on her body. Her sacred shrine that belonged to HER and HER HUSBAND. Serious counseling is the next step for this couple.

I will NEVER understand why betrayed spouses believe that anything short of intercourse is okay.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I'm not in agreement that what she did was right. No it was horribly wrong. And yes, I have come to terms with the fact that she has had sex, although according to her not intercourse but yes sex with another man, but I may be more of a realist than happy clam. More of a ya know, in the now.

I work, and have to travel sometimes for my job. Do you know how many men I see down at the bar who are married and all of a sudden not wearing their wedding rings? Do you know how many stories I can share about men and how they've cheated on their wife and actually boast about not telling her and living the lie....Dozens upon dozens.

I'm experienced enough to understand that nobody is perfect and I wouldn't doubt it Mr. Happy Clam may even have had his own brush with infidelity, but I knew posting this scenario I'd be receptive to ignorance coming from such.

Yes, my god, some dude may have licked my wife! OMG NO!!!! I've been with her for 18 years. Do you think I'm going to let that destroy it all???

Why on earth do you think she told me, my parents, her parents forever casting that label upon her head? She didn't have to do that. She could live in sin, quietly, probably like your wife does Happy Clam, with her little secret.

No she told me because we have something that most couples today lack, communication and honesty.

Yeah she messed up. And yeah, it's a one time deal because ultimately she knows what's on the line if it happens again, and that in itself is enough counseling to set her back in line.
 

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So as adult human beings, we shouldn't be able to detach ourselves from fantasy and reality? I don't buy into that youkiddingme. Yes, we discussed how hot it would be, but at no point was there a green light to go mess around with anyone, regardless of what fantasy we BOTH were having.

I am upset that she did what she did and broke the trust that we're in counseling seeking to repair.

But to think our sex should be vanilla because any fantasy we discuss during it automatically means "This is what my husband and I fantasize about so this is what I'm going to do..."

That is a ludicrous excuse for infidelity.

Boundaries weren't discussed because it was just a fantasy. We were pushing the line, but never had a plan to make it a reality.

Firebelly, I agree with you. I'm concerned that this episode while she was away stirred up some energy to be desired by other men, which I know can be a very intense feeling for women, and she seems to just be riding the wave. But I know if we went through with it, I can't honestly say that I'm confident it would stop at the one adventure.

So if I tell her this isn't happening, what is stopping her from doing it on her own?

I do appreciate everyones comments.
I would absolutely agree with everything here...if you hadn't set your friend up to email and sext her. That takes what was a fantasy, and makes it reality. Your wife didn't seek out your friend to email her, you set that up, and you told him to flirt with her. You didn't lay out your boundaries, and you should have. And what you're facing now are the consequences.

Now, does that make what your wife did any less wrong? No way. When you failed to lay out boundaries, she should have come and asked you what they were, instead of assuming you'd be okay. Moreover, she should have thought about the actual details of the fantasy...it wasn't supposed to be her having sex with other men without you, even in the fantasy you were there, apart of it. That's all on her.

But don't make the mistake in thinking you're innocent, because you're not.
 
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