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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been dating a woman for almost a year. We're both going through a divorce and both have 2 kids. She has met my kids but she still hasn't even told her kids about me. I only met her family a couple of months ago and she says the reason she hasn't told her kids about me is because her husband won't deal with it and it will mean their divorce is final in her kids eyes. I want the relationship to move forward but she won't even tell me when I might meet the kids.

I'm wondering if this means maybe she is not fully committed even though she says she is, but she seems to be putting her husband before me even after almost a year of being together.

I am new to this so I don't know if I have given enough information.

Thank you.
 

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It could be that she's just being cautious for her children's sakes... Or it could be because she thinks it might hurt her in the divorce proceedings. Hard to say without knowing her... I think it's great that you want to meet her children and be a part of their lives! :)
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It could be that she's just being cautious for her children's sakes... Or it could be because she thinks it might hurt her in the divorce proceedings. Hard to say without knowing her... I think it's great that you want to meet her children and be a part of their lives! :)
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I agree...She probably is trying to protect her children & it definitely seems to be more acceptable for guys to date during their divorce than woman. I wouldn't take it as her putting her stbxh before you. She's thinking about what is best for her kids.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you.

I don't know, she hasn't even been to see a lawyer or taken any steps towards getting a divorce. She lives with her mum and her mum looks after her kids so we could see each other during the week but she never wants to see me and only sees me when her H has the kids.

She's now told me she thinks the kids might be ready to know about me but she doesn't want to tell them until her H is ready and asks me why I keep on about it when I should be thinking long term, not short term.
 

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From what you have said, you are not dating a woman going through a divorce. There is not divorce filed. You are having an affair with a married woman.

She says that she is separated from her husband and living with her mother. How sure are you of this? Have you been to her mother's? Have you met the mother?

We have had plenty of cases here in which someone just makes up all kinds of lies about this. Sometimes it turns out that they are still living wiht their spouse and the spouse has no idea that they are having an affair.
 

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Daniel, you are dating an unavailable woman. She's still married. You are a hidden secret. Is this what you want out of a relationship?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I have met her mother, I have stayed the night there when her H had their kids.

The house belongs to her and her H and her mum lives there and looks after her kids. She always says she can't see me during the week, even after the kids are asleep, even though her mum is there.

We spend every second weekend together when her H has her kids but its almost been a year and I'm starting to get confused. She says she wants to spend her life with me and wants us all to live together with her kids as a family so I don't understand why she hasn't taken any steps to end her marriage apart from her H moving out. I have introduced her to my family and my kids.
 

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I have met her mother, I have stayed the night there when her H had their kids.

The house belongs to her and her H and her mum lives there and looks after her kids. She always says she can't see me during the week, even after the kids are asleep, even though her mum is there.

We spend every second weekend together when her H has her kids but its almost been a year and I'm starting to get confused. She says she wants to spend her life with me and wants us all to live together with her kids as a family so I don't understand why she hasn't taken any steps to end her marriage apart from her H moving out. I have introduced her to my family and my kids.
She could be SAYING all of these things simply to keep you around while she waits to see what happens in her marriage. Doesn't matter if you've met her family, friends and everyone else connected to her. She could have painted her husband black to all of them, gaining support to have you around while keeping the possibility for reconciling open.

The thing is, this could also not be true but there is a simple question you can ask yourself to solve this.

Are you okay with what's going on?
 

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No offense, but you've given a very persuasive argument for waiting until after divorce to date. Even with the best intentions problems can arise very easily. You've been dating a year and you've had another man involved, in some capacity, for the entire relationship.

I wish you the best but you need to be prepared to move on if it doesn't work out.
 

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Going through a divorce isn't the same as divorced. It' means "married". Regardless of what the truth is, if her kids get to meet you at this juncture, they are going to likely see you as the reason their parents aren't together. Doing the right thing in the wrong way or at the wrong time is as bad as doing the wrong thing.
 

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Also, depending on the ages of the kids, it may be late once they are in bed. If she is working, she might not want to go out late. I wouldn’t.

There could be any number of reasons why she doesn’t want to introduce you to the kids. The ones I can think of have already been covered.

But I would be wondering why the divorce isn’t moving forward. have you asked her?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thank you for all your comments. It feels good to be able to talk about it.

Her husband knows she's dating me. He's known from the start and she tells me he's goes from being angry to ok but she says he tells her he's still in love with her. She said if it wasn't for me she would've stayed with him.

Her kids are 10 and 6. A while ago she was saying she was waiting for her kids to be ready to know about me, and when they were she would tell her H she was going to tell them even if he wasn't ready, now she's saying she wants to talk to him and see if he's ready and maybe wait till he is.

I have asked her why she hasn't started the divorce proceedings, or even gone to a lawyer and when she will and when they will start talking about dividing their things because she hasn't done that either, she won't really give me a reason, she just keeps saying I'm looking at the short term and I should be looking at the long term. I know it's not easy bringing two families together but sometimes I feel like if she really wanted to spend her life with me she would have at least started to end her marriage. At the start she was all ready to end her marriage and start a life with me, we talked about buying a house and maybe buying a place for her mum and getting married, but a year later, nothings really changed.
 

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Why don't you bow out of these people's marriage and give them a chance to either fix it or put the dog to sleep....without the contaminating influence of your presence? If the marriage dissolves, it won't be because you helped break it up.
 

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Thank you for all your comments. It feels good to be able to talk about it.

Her husband knows she's dating me. He's known from the start and she tells me he's goes from being angry to ok but she says he tells her he's still in love with her. She said if it wasn't for me she would've stayed with him.

Her kids are 10 and 6. A while ago she was saying she was waiting for her kids to be ready to know about me, and when they were she would tell her H she was going to tell them even if he wasn't ready, now she's saying she wants to talk to him and see if he's ready and maybe wait till he is.

I have asked her why she hasn't started the divorce proceedings, or even gone to a lawyer and when she will and when they will start talking about dividing their things because she hasn't done that either, she won't really give me a reason, she just keeps saying I'm looking at the short term and I should be looking at the long term. I know it's not easy bringing two families together but sometimes I feel like if she really wanted to spend her life with me she would have at least started to end her marriage. At the start she was all ready to end her marriage and start a life with me, we talked about buying a house and maybe buying a place for her mum and getting married, but a year later, nothings really changed.
Exactly what part of divorced is she? Do they even have a legal separation?

She won’t give you a reason for not moving on things. She then tries to shift the focus away from the question by saying that you are looking at the short-term. The short-term hasn’t changed in a year. What makes you think thinks will look different a year from now?
 

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Thank you for all your comments. It feels good to be able to talk about it.

Her husband knows she's dating me. He's known from the start and she tells me he's goes from being angry to ok but she says he tells her he's still in love with her. She said if it wasn't for me she would've stayed with him.

Her kids are 10 and 6. A while ago she was saying she was waiting for her kids to be ready to know about me, and when they were she would tell her H she was going to tell them even if he wasn't ready, now she's saying she wants to talk to him and see if he's ready and maybe wait till he is.

I have asked her why she hasn't started the divorce proceedings, or even gone to a lawyer and when she will and when they will start talking about dividing their things because she hasn't done that either, she won't really give me a reason, she just keeps saying I'm looking at the short term and I should be looking at the long term. I know it's not easy bringing two families together but sometimes I feel like if she really wanted to spend her life with me she would have at least started to end her marriage. At the start she was all ready to end her marriage and start a life with me, we talked about buying a house and maybe buying a place for her mum and getting married, but a year later, nothings really changed.
You're pretty scared of being alone aren't you? It's very clear after reading this post as it's very revealing for both sides. You're actually Plan B and you think you're Plan A because you believe WORDS over ACTIONS and make EXCUSES for it all. She made this very clear by directly telling you that if it wasn't 'for you' that she would be back 'with him'. In reality, she's waiting to see that one big change from her husband and then you're as good as gone. Yet, keep you strung along just enough so that if it doesn't work out with Plan A .. oh hey look! Plan B is still kicking around dust balls.

That little part of you that's telling you "Hey Danielk, it's been a year and this hasn't changed .. this ain't right" is actually right. Yet, you keep telling it to shut up and think it will just go away. It won't and it doesn't.

Telling you to think of the long term is a distraction to avoid the short term, the 'short term' in what she is referring to would be the 'now'. She doesn't want you focusing on the now because quite frankly .. what's going on is complete bullsh!t. She's talking about marriage when she's not even starting the divorce proceedings in her current one, for anyone with a healthy sense of self, that's a huge red flag. It's one thing to have the divorce pretty much over and it's dragging (using this as an example) but to not even have assets divided yet? It's the "Plan B Fantasy".

Also, wanting to be personally ready to tell the children that "mom will be seeing someone else" is understandable for a while, but it's a complete joke to want to wait to make sure her husband is ready. Who cares? Why would it matter? It's a life change for the children, not for her ex who has nothing more to do with her other than to co-parent.
 

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Thank you for all your comments. It feels good to be able to talk about it.
How do you know that her husband knows she is dating you? Have you spoken to him? Or is she telling you this?

Her husband knows she's dating me. He's known from the start and she tells me he's goes from being angry to ok but she says he tells her he's still in love with her. She said if it wasn't for me she would've stayed with him.
She is not divorce or getting a divorce. She’s is still married. From this is sounds like she cannot decide what she wants so she has both you and her husband. Lucky woman.. two men to meet her needs. Why would she give that up? She’d be foolish.

You are in the middle of their marriage. Since she said that she would have stayed with him. Did you start dating while they were still living together? As I said earlier, you are having an affair with married women. You are in the middle of their marriage trying to break it up.
Her kids are 10 and 6. A while ago she was saying she was waiting for her kids to be ready to know about me, and when they were she would tell her H she was going to tell them even if he wasn't ready, now she's saying she wants to talk to him and see if he's ready and maybe wait till he is.
So she has two young children and you what to break up their family. Why are you so willing to cause this kind of harm to children?

You need to be careful here. These children are going to find out that you were their mother’s affair partner. You broke up their family. They will most likely hate you. Most children don’t even need that as an excuse to not like their step parents. If you ever marry her and have a blended family with her, her kids will most likely make your life hell.

I have asked her why she hasn't started the divorce proceedings, or even gone to a lawyer and when she will and when they will start talking about dividing their things because she hasn't done that either, she won't really give me a reason, she just keeps saying I'm looking at the short term and I should be looking at the long term.
She does not give you a reason for not getting a divorce? It’s easy to figure out. People do what they want to do. She does not want a divorce. She’s happy having both you and her husband. She will hold on to the two of you as long as she can. For some people it’s fun and fulfilling to have two partners fighting over them. It makes them feel like they are very special.

I know it's not easy bringing two families together but sometimes I feel like if she really wanted to spend her life with me she would have at least started to end her marriage. At the start she was all ready to end her marriage and start a life with me, we talked about buying a house and maybe buying a place for her mum and getting married, but a year later, nothings really changed.
Not it’s not easy brining two families together. The very worst thing she could do is to take her children from their family of origin and immediately move in with another man. The kids are going to be so confused. And have no doubt they will most likely blame you for this.
You are not even divorced yet. And here you are trying to bring your children into a new ‘family’ when your divorce is not even signed yet.

It’s a year later and you cannot marry her either because you are not divorced either.

Since you did not answer the question, I assume you have not met her mother and you don’t really know where she is living.
By the way, as soon as a guy starts telling me that he’s going to buy my mom a house… I would really worry about him. Why would he do that? It’s a pipe dream that some men try to suck a woman in. Now you might have good intentions but it does not sound good. It sounds like the kind of thing someone promises then says later that they were just talking. The reason I bring this up is that this affair you are in seems to be based on several fantasies. Some day you will be divorce. Someday her husband will be ready for to file for divorce. Some day she might be ready for divorce. Some day she might tell her children. Some day you might buy her mother a house.

Affairs are built on fantasies. Because of this only about 3% of them ever turn into long term relationships. You would do yourself a huge favor by moving on, finalizing your divorce and then dating women who are actually available.

I’m not trying to beat you up here. I’m trying to get you to see what’s really going on. You are in an extramarital affair.
 

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Going through a divorce isn't the same as divorced. It' means "married".
I wish my WAW understood that. Thinks its fine to start seeing another man as soon as she dropped the D-bomb - another man who had clearly been hovering in the background all that time.

And yes, my kids are very angry with her for that.
 

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I've been dating a woman for almost a year. We're both going through a divorce and both have 2 kids. She has met my kids but she still hasn't even told her kids about me. I only met her family a couple of months ago and she says the reason she hasn't told her kids about me is because her husband won't deal with it and it will mean their divorce is final in her kids eyes. I want the relationship to move forward but she won't even tell me when I might meet the kids.

I'm wondering if this means maybe she is not fully committed even though she says she is, but she seems to be putting her husband before me even after almost a year of being together.

I am new to this so I don't know if I have given enough information.

Thank you.
I'm not sure about her feelings but I do know she's doing the right thing by her kids for now.
I just finished having to look into all this ugly [email protected] myself because of my own situation.
The kids can wait , the longer the better and that's what your suppose to do.

They already have enough to cope with and intro'ing someone new too early is really really damaging to their healing and messes them up even more.

She's doing the right thing by her kids and their dad to in a way. If my ex was this smart well, lets just say last week wouldn't have happened. Your suppose to wait at least a year even two yrs is highly recommended.

They also stress that any new relationship needs at least a yr even two before you really know what you have for real anyway. So you don't mess your kids up until you do and they are ready.
 
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