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My wife and I have dated of and on since high school. We are now 42 and been married for 15 years and together for 17 again. We both had other relationships before the last 17 years. We both have discussed our past together about other relationships. My wife has told me she has slept with 4 other men then me. That’s fine no problem here. I had my adventures too. A few days ago we were with friends and drinking and I come outside to my wife telling everybody that she was a ***** ( her words not mine) to all the other wife’s when she was younger. One of the wives said to her “no your not a *****!, I would say you were if you slept with more then ten guys”, my wife paused and then said “ umm yeah then I’m definitely a *****!” And laughed. She then saw me and then didn’t stop and started talking about some guy we knew and telling me that she made out with him. Now I bring that up cause back in one of our past relationships we were dating and people told me oh she slept wit that guy and she swore up and down she didn’t do anything with him but here she is twenty something years later saying she kissed him.
The next night we were still on vacation with our friends and they were drinking again and I said to her can we not say anything stupid again please and she was quiet like she knew she upset me but I let it go cause I didn’t want to start a fight on our vacation. So now we are home and it’s really bothering me that I think she had lied to me all these years. So my questions are
1. Do I bring this up to her how much it bothers me cause that guy from before is somewhat in our life again cause he is the cousin to our neighbors who we have become good friends with and will probably see a few times. Which kinda makes me feel like a fool. Even though it was years ago.
And 2. She told me she slept with only 5 including me and now it seems to be much more. Do I bring that up too?
I don’t want to rehash the past but she did it already and it’s kinda eating me up here.
Not sure what to do.
 

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I think you have to decide how much this matters to you. Does the difference between 4 and 10, 20? matter? Or is it the case that she lied before?

Its possible that she was so embarrassed by her past behavior that she couldn't bring herself to tell you.

My feeling is if the last 17 years have been good, then you are both lucky and don't break things. Thats just me though, other people will feel differently.
 

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Not a woman. I have no advice on this, except I wanted to tell you I can fully empathize with your feelings. I think mine would be the same.
 

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Its not the number it’s I feel I have been lied too. Also the fact of who where they are they people I know that’s why she didn’t say.
Devil’s advocate - if you knew that she also slept with Jimmy, Steve, Pat, JT, and Big Mike - all guys you knew and Big Mike was your cousin’s friend. If you knew that then, what would be different? Would you have passed on her? Would you have married her but moved away so you never had to see them? Or would you be proud that she chose you and smile every time you saw them knowing they didn’t measure up?

I think you should speak to her about it. From the way you told the story, that she didn’t stop when you walked in, it seems she is pretty comfortable now with you and herself, maybe that wasn’t the case when she was 25.
 

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Re: Need woman’s advice

Devil’s advocate - if you knew that she also slept with Jimmy, Steve, Pat, JT, and Big Mike - all guys you knew and Big Mike was your cousin’s friend. If you knew that then, what would be different? Would you have passed on her? Would you have married her but moved away so you never had to see them? Or would you be proud that she chose you and smile every time you saw them knowing they didn’t measure up?

I think you should speak to her about it. From the way you told the story, that she didn’t stop when you walked in, it seems she is pretty comfortable now with you and herself, maybe that wasn’t the case when she was 25.
But here's where the mind games can eat away at you:
Maybe the reason she told him about guys 1, 2, 3, 4 and not Jimmy, Steve, Pat, JT and Big Mike is because those guys really rang her bell in a way husband doesn't in the bedroom, whereas the guys 1, 2, 3, 4 were duds, so she kept the unmentioned guys hidden? Or maybe because she did wild things with Jimmy, Steve, Pat, JT and Big Mike because she felt more sexually connected to them, so she is wilder with them, gave them her best, and gives hubby a B-game effort? Or maybe because it was Jimmy, Steve, Pat, JT and Big Mike all at once, or in any combination? Or maybe because in each case SHE was dumped by THEM, and could still carry a little attraction towards them, or nostalgia for their time together? Or maybe....

The maybes are endless. That's why this should have been vetted BEFORE marriage, especially when you know these guys, and will be seeing them from time to time. If these were flings during a Study Abroad semester in France, where you'd never see them again, that's less of an issue (I still think you should be honest, but in any case it's less impactful). But if you will still have contact with these people, then it DEFINITELY should come out before marriage.
 

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@Stingrayx21 Is there anything that she can say or do to help with these feelings you are experiencing or is the potential she lied too much to overcome? If so, what actions do you need to have happen for you to fell better about her disclosure? Do you think marriage counseling would help you to communicate your feelings better to her?
 

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Communicate your feelings to her. Get it out in the open. Tell her your feelings.
Why would she talk about this in a group of people? Does drinking loosen her tongue?
Express your disappointment.
How has she been since this happened?
Do you suspect that she may have been unfaithful since the marriage?
 

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Re: Need woman’s advice

I understand the part where the lying bothers you but what does the number matter? Has she only been with you the past 17 years? If so, I would take THAT part heavily into consideration before starting a fight about something that happened almost two decades ago. She kissed some guy before she was with you and didn't tell you about it. And? If you are really the type that gets hooked on numbers, I can see why she lied to you. Are you a really jealous person in a relationship?
Live in today...the past is gone and you have kids. If you cannot talk to her about it without it escalating into something really bad, then perhaps you should hold your tongue until you can.
BTW, I'm a woman ...thought you should know since you asked for advice from women.
 

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Re: Need woman’s advice

@Stingrayx21is the potential she lied too much to overcome?
That's the problem with lying. A liar can never be believed, even when he/she is telling the truth. Now @Stingrayx21 knows that either his wife lied back when they married, or she lied now. Either way, he cannot trust her.

Marriage counseling might help him communicate his feelings to her, and some private sessions between the MC and his wife might bring some assurance of her trustworthiness back. Once established, the new trust can help them get the truth out onto the table.

Wolfman1968 said:
The maybes are endless.
I do have this one piece of advice. Try not to follow a "maybe" down the "rabbit hole". Deal only with what you learn, and what you come to accept the truth of.
 

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You can approach the conversation from the angle that you don't appreciate her blabbing her secrets to anyone who will listen but not to you. You don't like being the last to know. Ask her to name her conquests so that you'll be forewarned in the future before you become best buds with one of her lovers.

No one likes to feel that they're being left in the dark.
 

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SR,

It matters that she lied to you for 17 years when the truth was on the tip of her tongue for all that time, as proved by what she said. It wasn't even a lie by omission but a blatant lie.

Have her write out her sexual history in a timeline fashion including the names of her sexual partners. Check her social media to see who she is still connected to. Offer to do the same for her if she wants it.

If you really need to get a polygraph.
 
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