[smile001]

I am a father of two young children under 5yrs old, I have been with my partner for 14 years.

My problem is my partner hates my family with vengeance in particular my mother.
Since becoming a father, my partner has indirectly shut out my family for several years especially more so since us starting a family but yet her family has been the total opposite, practically visiting my house every week, especially her mother who has built a solid rapport with my daughters.

The issue of my partner hating my my family is due to my mother embarrassing my partner at a family Christening many years ago back in 2007, my mother said to my partner "can't you say hello?" In a very aggressive manor in the presence of many, my partner has never forgiven my mother for this and has banished her ever since. My mother did apologise for her actions, but my partner said that it was not genuine.

For many years I have struggled with trying to remain in contact with my family despite the animosity, I haven't had the best relationship with my parents but since becoming a Father and becoming a responsible adult current in my mid 30s, my priority is to do the best for my daughters without holding resentment towards anybody.

Since having kids I have never taken my daughters to my parents house because of the hatred that my partner has for my mother which has torn me apart , but my partner has taken my kids to her parents house with me without me over a thousand times, including spending christmas there every year (which I dread). What about my family?

My partner acts as if I don't have no family and that her family is the only family that my children should see and know.

This situation has been tearing me apart for years and I feel powerless, I have gone to counselling with my partner but that wasn't successful.

but for the past year things have changed drastically.

My mother was diagnosed with secondary cancer a year ago, in recent weeks the cancer has moved to her brain. My partner has not shown emotion regarding my mothers condition which has affected our relationship as if it was her mother I am sure she would expect me to show empathy, but yet she shows none to me.

My mom is desperate to see my daughters and wants me to bring my daughters to her house, but my mother has made it clear that she does not want to see my partner.

I love my partner but I am really struggling living like this, relationships are supposed to be 50/50 not 90/5.

For Many years I have considered going our separate way, that way I can try and mend the broken bridge between my family and build a relationship between my children and my siblings and my mother whist she is still alive for the time that she has left.

Apologies for the poor English if any errors in this thread.

Any advice would be appreciated as I feel very alone and confused

 

[Roselyn]

My mom is desperate to see my daughters and wants me to bring my daughters to her house, but my mother has made it clear that she does not want to see my partner.

I love my partner but I am really struggling living like this, relationships are supposed to be 50/50 not 90/5.

For Many years I have considered going our separate way, that way I can try and mend the broken bridge between my family and build a relationship between my children and my siblings and my mother whist she is still alive for the time that she has left.

Your partner is correct. Your mother's apology to her was not sincere. I would not trade a partner, the mother of your children, for your parents and siblings. Your partner and your daughters are your immediate family and you live with them.

As far as your ailing mother, you can visit and make peace with her. Perhaps, you can persuade your partner to let you take your daughters to visit their grandmother. If your partner will not agree to this, then don't take your daughters. It will create a great deal of tension. Go and visit your mother as often as you wish. However, it would not be wise to have fights in the home front. This will add to your anxiety.

 

[Openminded]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Yes, your mother was wrong to have said what she did and the result is your partner wants nothing to do with your mother (that does at times happen in the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law dynamic). However, she should understand your wish to take your daughters to see your mother -- especially under the circumstances. Your children should not grow up knowing only your partner's family. She doesn't have to be part of that but she shouldn't stand in your way.

 

[droll]

But she's mother like her in law. She most shows respect, even if what they have done to her.

 

[ricky15100]

Why did she say that to your partner? I think regardless of your her feelings towards your mother , she should still see her grandchildren.

is that the only reason??? Seems very petty to me, and if you want your mother to see her grandchildren then you need to grow a pair and stand up to your wife.

If you don't and your mother dies before seeing her grandchildren, you will feel enormously guilty, and there is also a possibility you will begin to resent your partner and blame her.

 

[SamuraiJack]

Sounds like there is more going on here than just one comment.
Care to elaborate?

 

[tryingtobebetter]

If I were you, I would take your daughters to see their grandmother while she is still alive.

 

[Chris Taylor]

I had the exact same problem.

I come from a very sarcastic family. We get together, rib each other and laugh it off. My wife, on the other hand, came from a much more "reserved" family. So when she received some ribbing, she took it badly, so much so that she didn't want to be involved with my family at all, especially my mother. And bigger still, I failed to recognize how hurt my wife was, that I didn't stand up for her and defend her from what I perceived to be natural banter within my family.

When I realized the situation I told my wife that I was sorry. No explanation, no "I think you took it the wrong way". I also pointed out that when it came to HER parents I was more of a son to them than their own son. I did things for them that went above and beyond when their own son did nothing for them. I explained that I would have never come between her relationship with her parents and would hope that she wouldn't come between my relationship with my parents.

We came to an agreement that when we went to family gatherings I would stay right with her and if a comment was made, I addressed it immediately. Nothing wild, just "I don't think Mrs. Taylor appreciated that remark."

Remember, as partners your first responsibility is to your partner. This doesn't mean you ignore your parents and siblings but you have to take into account your partner's feelings in all this.

 

[Coco2014]

If your wife and your mother cannot get along, then just let it be. Not much you can do about it. But your wife has no right to prevent your mother from seeing her grand kids. How about you and your daughter go to visit your mother alone without her? Your mother and your wife don't need to see each other, just let you mom see your kids. Do that as often as possible when your mom is still alive.

 

[Mr. Nail]

Grudge keeping hobby. This is not healthy or acceptable behavior. The (sort of ) bright side is that grudge keeping is it's own punishment. It is the only hobby that brings nothing but misery to the hobbyist. It also destroys the possibility of trust. Everyone is just waiting until she turns on them.

Also connected and seen here lately is the stubborn belief in an old inaccurate saying. "A son is your son until he gets a wife, but your daughter is your daughter for the rest of her life." If a couple is not free to form their own relationship and family separate from BOTH sets of parents, then that family will never form and is doomed from the start.

MN