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Discussion Starter #1
Husband mentioned divorce again !!
11 years of knowing each other!!
Married for 9.
Lived together in the beginning,separated for 4 and half years,did not get divorced on my insistence.(neither of us saw anybody esle).Though he did mention he was not affected by the separation and is back on my insistence.Stayed together for 2 and half years.
Same reasons repeated because of which we sperataed earlier,me being short tempered,possessive etc.
Though have apologized and have let him know that I do not believe in separation but he wouldnot listen.
Last time we spoke he was very anger(understandable as because of the very bad last quarrel we had).
But after that he is totally aloof,i have left home,he does not reply to my emails and is rude on calls.
Have been on no contact for the last 3 weeks(occasional mail to know what he is thinking,no repliy);created an alternative id to send him good emails,he responded to that thanking and thinking it to be some other friend or i do not know.
The thought that separation is not the solution makes me still and I am motivating myself and have started pursuing my goals;but the thought that again if I will have to wait an eternity without him replying sounds repulsive to me now.
He would not agree to see our individual mistakes and start afresh.My parents are troubled and sad for me.Though I bring them happiness when they see ,I have stuck to my new routine and life;
yet something sad comes around and sometimes I become desperate;but do not feel like calling him to hear his reluctant voice.
I feel sad today,ver sad today and hence posted this.
 

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I can so feel your pain and frustrations. I am facing the same issues in my marriage, he wants out and I'm trying to hold on to every bit of him I can. Sadly I have no advice since I cant seem to find my way out of my own situation. I just know that we are not alone, that crying and bursts of hopelessness come with it. The thought of a future without him depresses me to my core and never in my life have I faced such heartache and emptiness. The rational side says life will go on for us, it has to. For the first time in my life I feel I have no control over what happens to me and the world is a blur. Guess we have to keep pushing to make every day count. I dont cry 24/7 anymore...now its just occassionally...like now when your post hit so close to home. I am sorry you are hurting....sorry I dont have a solution to make it go away. Just know that there are people who love you, friends, family and through their support you will be ok
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thanks for yur kind words.
I wish you good in future too.
For the present,I do not know where life is taking me again.Yes, me too have stoopped ,crying,am not bothering him also.Just trying to have a clear mind.But sometimes it is unbearable,do not why does this happen!!Why just cannot life be simple ,like we say sorry and things be good again,the same way we were kids....As grown ups,life really is sad !!!
 

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Discussion Starter #4
His family supports him;and were always insisting and telling him that why was he in this 'rut' (our marraige-because of the quarrels).And the last quarrel,brought the family into picture.

I do not know ,why he doesnot even reply back to emails also.Does replying back to emails has any legal aspect or what.Thats stupid,I feel...do not know what;
was thinking if he wants to go NC for a year ,of separation and then file a divorce(as thats the rule,1 year of separation and then file divorce here);all this is eating me;
I have to move ahead with determination,forget about him totally perhaps;I do not know what????
 

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Any children? If not what is holding you together? Half your marriage you been separated. Don't you want and need to be loved? Aren't you exhausted by the merry go round that is your marriage? Life's too short to be living this way!!!!
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Discussion Starter #7
No children!! We were planning now.
There are couples without any child ,and they stuch to each other.

Yes I do agree,my marraige till date has been like a merry-go-round and nothing else.

Still having known him since college,since so many ups and downs,meeting again after 4 and half years which generally does never happen,and then to see the same things;relation is not something replaceable;that is what making me stick to it the way I am;its like as if in a dream....
I want to come out of it, not able to ;really.
 

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I would put children on hold. You both need to be in MC. Adding children right now will just further complicate things.
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Yes the plan to have a child was before all this happened finally; now he is lie what I have posted;No replies nothing; as if I never existed.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I have apologized enough for being the way I was since college days,for quarrelling,for being possessive,for being insecure;took all those as lack in my personality ;at the same time also asked him to see his negligence towards me ;after I have cme to my parents,he wont talk to me,no replies,nothing;am clueless;why wont he talk;this is no way to deal;he is well aware how desperate I have been;also it has been an ordeal of 11 years;am trying to move on but not bale to;sometimes i wake up midnight;i keep dreaming about him;though have not spoken to him for 2 weeks now,sent him emails but no reply.it is as if i am in some kind of dream,2 months back we were together,fight ,no fight but together and today he is nomore a part of my life;;;;it was after much difficulty i had lifted myself the last time i separated for him for 4 years;but reconciling again and again this in 2 and half years is too much I able to handle.somedays i curse him,somedays i loathe myself for being the short tempered person I am;but am not abl to get over this nightmare.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
sometimes i feel like trash,sometimes i feel sorry for him for the way short tempered i was,not able to come out;
every day,I have him subconciously in my dreams;and morning i starts witha depression and it lingers further.
 

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OK, sounds to me like your husband is gong through some issues himself. Leave him lone for a while and commit to a planned NC period of at least three months. By then the dust should be settled and you can talk to him without trying to control the situation and force him back.

Also what ws he like before he left? Ws he depressed or distant months and months ago?
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Not distant but frequent quarrels;but then at the same time we used to out for movies,eating,talk about solving issues,buying house and having a baby also.when i needed to go to doctor he was there.
There was a bad quarrel in front of a my sister which led t hiis family also being involved;i left home for my parent's palce ;he doesnot wnat me back;he says we were not good together;i aplogozied for my anger not taht myanger was baseless;also because i needed some counselling (individual) which I did not understand nor was he able to understand;he doesnot talk about all that; he said that he had given me the option for MC once before;now he gets irritated at the sound of me asking us to see our individual issues and not treat us like there was nothing;
stopped contacting him,was not able to take his anger,morethan that he showing that he doesnot want to be with me(anger is ok,that would be understandable)but wanting dovorce me again brought the same fear and pshycology i went through 7 years back before our 4 and half years long separation;then also the reasns were same;me quarreling and us not being good enough for each othetr;
I stopped contacting him hene,feeling that will pull me down further metally, i sent him emails,no reply,nothing;
I wonder if he us trying to show that he has got nothing to do with me anymore;but i am not a piece of crap ;

when we fought he was also abusive;and he knows i ahve issue with my temper ,i never got support for that;he knows mmy fear what i went in the past;but still no repsonse from him makes me feel drained, out of energy.It has been 3 weeks since i called him but sent him 4 mails in between.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
i told him, I am seeking help online for my behaviour;he was not receptive;i asked him to consider he might be depressed;he said he didnot care ;he just want to be out of this;i asked if hee is in love with somebody else;then i have right to know;he said this is the basic issue ,i still am not able to trust him;
I have issues trusting him but i was trying my best to get over thyem;this cannot be imposed,this happens with time;if he lied to me about something ,it will take me time to get over it,and on top of it ,i feel i am begging the same i did 7 years back;i sometimes feel,hy am i begging again and again,if he ever feels anything for me,he can ask for me one ,without letting his ego come in between;he says i am devoid of self respect to go after him;
I got irritated and said where was the self -respect stuff when he was touching my body if he did not consider me to be his wife;did he think i am a prostitute to pe slept with for a few years and then left;

if he has issues with my anegr i will do anything for him, he needs to have faith and give me chance, if he constantly mkes me feel we are not good enough and our quarrels and basically I,my temper,my insecure nature(forgeting his lapses and his negligence);then how do i improve for a better human being and then a good companion;
this time i feel i will not be able to take it;
family says ,gear up energy;but i am not able to muster the courage;do not what is so wrong about me;i sometimes really feel, i spineless, worth no good,should be treated like a trash;
i really feel guilty for shouting at him but i sadi i am sorry and said we were like friends,atleast he was the one with whom i could be whatever way i wanted;but i will change if that is not the way it should be;but now I do not want to call him and he wont reply to my emails;his family said why is he in a 'rut'(our marraige because of quarrels);he takes support from his family just for separatin g from me;nothing else would he let them know ,be it drinking,smoking weeds, or be with bastard friends;
He thinks i do not love him,should i hang myself; what the bloody hell islove; what about the bloody 11 years of my life;19 to 29, ;
sometimes i want to forget everything , bepeaceful,dedicate my entire life to service and never think about him,and take it as something nature wanted me to see,not able to do...anyboddy please help,,,am such a weakling......especially the guilt at having cause him,his family and my family the pain and my desire to bbe with him is killing me;;;;;;i feel depressed for the last 3 or 4 days ...
 

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Discussion Starter #15
worst of all

I do not want my family to interfere in anything anymore now;yesterday I heard them talking,that H was afraid of legal proceedings but I wanted them to quit this crap;they seem totally not uderstadning;to them in their anger they just want him pun ished;

Also another crappy thing my H did , I am remined of is sharing my first apology mail along with his indignations mentioned in it to his parents.BABY BOY;shouls have remained in mama's life beforemarrying me and wasting my 11 years of life........

Still no replies from his end;

am thinking of rsuming my studies ,forget him for once and all;;he never loved,doubted always whether i had any affection for him,and I kept feeling like trash and a mad woman......

what the hell he just cannot reply to one email;;;;;;;;;I should ahve thought beofre cooking for this baby boy;
 

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See that's the problem. You absolutely CAN NOT convince him to return to you or even pick up the phone no matter what you do. He's convinced himself you're the cause of all his problems and low self esteem so he's avoiding you at all costs. He's saying to himself "I'm a big baby who can't take responsibility and improve my own life.".

Look you just can't change his mind by force. The only way you can change his mind is by not needing him and ignoring him at all costs. This will reall piss him off at first but he will respect you for not wanting him when he doesn't want you.

Maybe after a few months of NC you can talk again but keep things light and happy, and always brief. Any talk about the problems from before and what you think HE SHOULD DO will blow your chances and set you back even further. Ignore that part of you that wants to tell him all his problems and just focus on enjoying what little pleasant converation you can get when you get it.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
yes you are right!!
Meanwhile I was thinking, how come anybody has the right to repeatedly decide about my life, we quarrel but he seeks divorce and my life is different,again WE quarrel and he decides and my life is different.Just that there is nothing new today or was 7 years back.
I have to focus on myself and get myself back.

Thanks for hearing me out.Looking forward to hear more.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
He wants no contact ,divorce bla bla,,for quarrels.Is it wrong on my part to go absolutely NC and if he has to come back let him contact me;else if he does not,then when I am mentally stro g enough,however long i take,I will just call and say I am ok with what he wants(as it will be evident y then ,he wants nothing for us together anymore).
I basically wanted to ask,is it not right if I just go total NC because I get totallt drained by our conversation(all negative);I mean if I do not contact him in say 3 months time wpuld it imply,I am giving up and accepting his nonsense.What do you feel.
It is birthday on 21 st december.I do not want to contact if I feel I am not emotionally strong.
 

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Because, honestly...... he's blaming you for his problems and foolishly believes if he dumps you life ill amazingly get better. Fat freakin cance! Divorced men are more likely to commit suicide, develop alcohol and drug problems, gain weight, have sexual disfunctions, and marry even worse partners. And that isn't even taking into account if he's having an affair. If that's the case you can add buckets of misery and guilt over giving up a woman who would d back flips to get his sorry ass back (sorry, not to insult you there hun).

I've seen several people leave their marriages for affairs or the affair of a better life and every single one ended up alone and miseable because they couldn't larn to swallow a little pride in marriage and get off their freaken high horse.
 

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Hey, thanks man!! Keep posting .It helps when am able to vent my anger.

But the truth is do not wish anybody any bad !!!Life is too short.Just want to be happy,guilty free again and see life the way it really is.
Just that now is too tough,am human not saint ;
Thanks again.Let see if I find my right way.
 
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