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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
First I want to say this situation is very much my fault. Not solely my fault of course, but still something I had a heavy hand in. Right now I am in a relationship that has been successful through hardship. However in the past few months I made the mistake of letting my insecurities push my partner away. I suggested a separation which she resisted completely. A few days later we had a party and decided to explore new horizons with other people. Myself with a friend we hardly new, Her with a friend we have known for years and both care deeply about. I had a pointless night and she found an emotional connection. I then made the mistake of trying to step in and say it had to stop later in the evening because I was afraid. We have been together five years, living together two years and married almost a year. We have a young son whom we both love implicitly. Now I made the agreement that she can explore her feelings with the third party, because she took my prior advice and believes a separation is something she needs. I am doing all I can to be supportive in a situation where, for all intents and purposes, we are both single and I am competing with another man for her affections. If I fight her I will lose, if I don't win her affections fairly, I lose everything, and no matter how much I am acceptable with the situation, any time spent between them makes it difficult for me not to be physically sick. I am a very emotional and loving person, and I made the grave mistake of looking for validation where I needed none, and now I am paying the price. The advice I seek is what I can do to relax myself, stop stressing and do what I do best, Love my wife, try to assure her happiness, and fight for her with all I have, just as she deserves. Any advisement would be appreciated, but please know I have carefully weighed all of my options and will not regard anything along the lines of "She is a *insert insult here* move on and stop trying.* As advisement. She is younger than myself by two years and much earlier in our relationship she fell for someone else and I gave up. I only had my chance to make up for it because he did not show interest. I refuse to make the same mistake again because I know she is worth the fight, and worth the roiling ocean of emotions cascading within my heart.
 

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I had to read your post twice to understand it, but I am still unsure if I did.
You told your wife that you want to be separated, she refused, then you go to a party( Swingers I suppose)and while you did not enjoy your parner, she made an emotional connection with hers.
Can you explain why you wanted separation when you say that you love your wife/partner and do not want to lose her?
 

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Why in God's name would you agree to start dating other people while you're married?

Do things that capitalize on her interests and fantasies. I would say give her a lot of oral but now she's with someone else and you have no idea what kind of filth he is.

I don't know what to tell you. Why would you do this to your wife? Or your son?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I understand how this situation could be confusing, As I said I was insecure and seeking validation where I did not need to. It was a normal party at which we decided to swing with others. Now I am in a situation I have put myself in and I am realizing that I never wanted to be here, and that I am the one capable of fixing it, I just need to talk it out and try to understand how I should cope with her decisions.
 

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Another fine example of being careful what you wish for.
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Why in God's name would you agree to start dating other people while you're married?

Do things that capitalize on her interests and fantasies. I would say give her a lot of oral but now she's with someone else and you have no idea what kind of filth he is.

I don't know what to tell you. Why would you do this to your wife? Or your son?
Sometimes you make decisions to benefit and strengthen your relationship which others could never agree to. Everyone is of differing opinions. The man she is seeing is a close friend and I do know how to treat my wife in bed. I am doing all I can for her and catering to all of her interests and needs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
So, you have a child you both love 'implicitly'.

In fact, you loved him so 'implicitly' that you both decided to cheat on each other.

Yes, that makes perfect sense! :rolleyes:

Now I am getting a headache...
Which makes more sense, seeking truth and finding whatever means necessary to either fix our relationship, or end it on good terms, or find out the hard way later when he can understand and make him suffer through that?
 

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He is new and exciting, you are a known quality. you can't compete. So just tell her if she want the friend, then you will go on and see a lawyer to get the D started. Tell her yeah you screwed up, but since she care more for the E/P relationship with this friend, you wish her well. You just want to go on with your life with someone only there for you now.
 

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If I understand -- she had sex with this close friend that you agreed to -- and now she wants a separation from you to explore her feelings ? Is this correct ??

If this is the case === how did you each choose whom to sleep with? Did you pick the person you slept with -- and did she pick this close friend ?

I ask this because if she chose your close friend -- and now wants to separate -- they may have been having an affair (at least an EA) for her to leave you so quickly.

Just more to think about !!
 

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You've chosen a strategy that will lead to total failure.

You let her have sex with another person. Then when you said you wanted her to stop, she refused. Then she said she's going to continue to cheat, and you've agreed to let her cuckold you.

Stop playing this game. You've already lost that game. The only way to win is to change the game and the rules.

Kick her out. Tell her you won't accept being an option. You won't wait to be second place.

I suspect the two of them actually set you up. They may have already been playing around, and they set you up to endorse her cheating with him. You just didn't see it coming, and now they won't stop.

No one who actually cared about you would treat you with so little care or regard. Refuse to be abused this way - tell her to get out. Your son stays with you, and you get the residence. She can come by and get her stuff in 48 hours or it will be given to charity.
 

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When the two of you agreed that you could have different partners at the party, neither of you agreed that either of you could have an ongoing relationship with the party hookup.

Let that sink in. This is not what you agreed to.

Tell her that either she stop the affair or you are filing for divorce. When you file, file for 100% custody as she has abandoned you and your son.

This is the truth of what is going on.

Right now you are doing exactly the wrong thing. People who have affairs are caker eaters. They want their affair partner and the safety net of their spouse. She will never stop the affair until either he dumps her or she is forced to choose between the two of you.

What a life.. to have two lovers, one of which takes care of financial support, the house and the child. And the other lover is just for fun.

I want that life too.. :)
 

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Why don't people play consequences before they do stuff?

"If we do 'x' what are the possible consequences, good or bad?

Finding out about negative consequences afterwards is silly.

I suggest MC.
 

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This isn't the best place to ask about polyamory. And open relationships meant to repair broke marriages won't survive especially when one of the partner is against it.

Ok, your wife is not a *insert insult here*. But you don't want to be in a relation where you want to fight a man for your wife's affections.That is what you do when you are dating.
 

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You need to remove yourself from this situation. The more you try to "fix" things the worse you are going to make it.

Stop trying to fix your wrongs, you can't and you will just become more frustrated. Like someone else already said, you can't compete with the OM so even trying will make you look pathetic. You may be better than the OM but it simply doesn't matter right now. She ain't gonna care.

Accept your situation for what it is and stop fighting it. Move to a D and if there's a chance for R she will try to stop you later. For what you did you really don't deserve a second chance so stop acting like you are entitled with her. When she sees you accepting your fate she may soften up.
 

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I suggest that you see a counselor to explore your own insecurities which led up to this debacle. Make yourself a better person. Stop chasing her. Read about the 180 to help yourself detach. At some point, she may decide that your love is something she wants; maybe not. But you need to prepare yourself to move forward w/ your life regardless.
 

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so this guy was a friend already, huh? You do know this is an old scam where women are already banging the friend and then bring up this idea of swinging and/or poly so they can carry on right under your nose, right? It's highly unlikely the swap was their first time.

Come down on her with D papers. If she snaps out of it that's fine, if not at least you tried.

ETA: she was the one who suggested the swinging right?
 

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So you pushed for separation first. She resisted completely. (LET"S THINK ABOUT THAT) - typically (not always) when a person asks for a separation it means I don't want to be with you and we are free to do whatever and whomever we want. Because that is what typically happens.

So your wife said no to the separation. But I can imagine it got her thinking and we do not know what the he*l the entire conversation, body language, etc. took place because we only have your condensed version. I bet your wife started to think, WTF, he does not want to be with me.

Then the party.

She got an emotional attachment. DUH. You wanted to separate=not be with the wife. You allowed her to be with another guy she has known for a long time=hook up, love, emotional attachment, sex.

And now you are not happy with the way things have turned out.

This is one of the craziest things I have ever heard.

You want to push your wife out of your life by separating, you then push her into the arms of a man for pleasure and you are thinking what?

Stupid is as stupid does.
 
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