[RandomDude]

EDIT: Thread is old, let it die thanks

As some of you know, I've gone a little bonkers today. Yes I deleted my bonker threads, forgive me, but they are quite embarrassing... even for a forum! I've put myself back together - thanks guys for your help during my venting/psycho fit, but I've come to realise I'm not as hardened as I thought I was, there are still ways to get at me and make me go bonkers, and the feeling of loss is more real than I thought. Never thought I would miss my STBX this much, never thought I could share my daughter's pain in wanting us to be a family again.

I need to be stronger for my daughter, how can I be? How can I detach myself from my daughter's pain? It's becoming apparent that it's not possible to harden to the point of apathy, and as AlphaOmega mentioned, it's not the best way to set an example for my daughter... guess that hit me. So ok...

I'm all ears, how do I deal with this?

 

[Mavash.]

The answer lies not in becoming stronger but embracing the loss and pain. FEEL the pain. The only way is through it.

 

[RandomDude]

*sigh* You're right... the more I fight it, the harder it is and the bigger I explode eh? It's evident, I couldn't believe how crazy and emotionally nuts I was today, more nuts than if I just let the pain run its course

I'll be stronger on the other side yes? Hell I don't know

Thanks Mavash

 

[Mavash.]

There is a concept called the training of a broken heart. I totally believe it. In my own life and in the lives of people I've successfully helped the more they fought pain the more it clung to them. I encouraged them to just FEEL the pain. Just sit with it. Don't medicate it. Don't eat it. Don't drink it. Just embrace it. It will hurt like hell. You might not be able to breathe but RD I promise it won't kill you.

And on the other side isn't strength it's peace.

Again I've been where you are so I know what I speak of.

 

[RandomDude]

And on the other side isn't strength it's peace.

=/

So how do I regain my strength?

 

[Mavash.]

Define strength.

 

[RandomDude]

Not going bonkers for example, and saying crap like castrating myself

 

[Mavash.]

I'll give you a metaphor. If I want to be stronger physically I must endure PAIN as I push my body hard to do say one more crunch, one more jump, one more anything...

To be stronger emotionally is a similar concept. I must endure PAIN. And that means not trying to make it go away, not looking for some short cut, etc. Feel free to SAY all the crap you want just don't act on it. Self regulation is key.

If you can learn to sit with the pain without pushing it away you will become stronger. The training of a broken heart. What happens is once you've done it you realize it passes. It always passes. No matter how crazy you feel today at some point it does end. It's when we try to make it end NOW that we get into trouble.

Sit with the pain. Invite it to tea and have a conversation with it. Find out what it wants and needs. Sounds silly but I swear it works. Learn to love yourself instead of expecting someone else to do it for you.

 

[Henri]

Hi RandomDude
I would consider defining yourself by 5 or more solid principles, for example:

1) Never hurt or be rude to anyone including myself.
2) I always say thanks and please, hello and good bye even if the other person is rude first. It shows my "Strength" of education, good upbrinding and respect for myself (through my interaction with others).
3) I know that irritation, stress, depression are moods which will come and go. I know running, going to the gym and other methods to jolt my mind out of that whilst gaining other beneifts (lean muscle). Because I know that as a fact I can employ them when I choose.
4) What I start to do I try to do to my best of abilities, if it goes wrong or needs abandoning it wasn't from lack of effort or proper intention.
5) I enjoy responsiblities, challenges and self-criticism. I enjoy it and hence I am not hurt/offended/scared by it, so bring it on!

You can define these as you wish, these are just an example. From this you can refer back to them when you feel you a starting to "loose it" or life is against you. It is like we are defining ourselves with a plan which will work in all seasons.

Good luck!

 

[RandomDude]

Yeah, you're right, reminds me of the old code I used to have, build strength through hardship was one of my principles I wrote down, my own personal moral code, I was 16 at that time. Funny really, I didn't even understand my own code back then, almost like the spirits tried to instill some wisdom in me back then but I had no idea

Instead I considered strength hardening the fk up and moving on despite the pain. Guess that doesn't work too well if one doesn't face the music.

 

[RandomDude]

Ok... well principles, I had this code, I can't remember all of it but it went something like this:

- Build strength through hardship
- Never betray trust
- Never forgive those who have betrayed
- Never wait for miracles
- Never show weakness

The rest I forgot, obviously some principles were changed, such as the issue with forgiveness, my STBX taught me that forgiveness is for the sake of my own peace, doesn't mean I have to forget

I was very young when I had those principles, looks like I have to re-evaluate my own personal code now that I'm nearing my 30s

 

[Henri]

Yeah, you're right, reminds me of the old code I used to have, build strength through hardship was one of my principles I wrote down, my own personal moral code, I was 16 at that time. Funny really, I didn't even understand my own code back then, almost like the spirits tried to instill some wisdom in me back then but I had no idea

Instead I considered strength hardening the fk up and moving on despite the pain. Guess that doesn't work too well if one doesn't face the music.

It's weird, some of the conclusion I had when I was 15 or 16 still stand today, but yet I had far less life experience. I think there is a lot going on, relationship wise, at that age and we learn quickly.

I don't think I need to be emotionally hard or physically tougher than I am. I think I need to have a set of principles which help me cut through life's cr^p and communicate to others that I am level headed. Life is funny when you think about it, and most of it can be laughed off after it happens and smoke clears.

 

[Henri]

Ok... well principles, I had this code, I can't remember all of it but it went something like this:

- Build strength through hardship
- Never betray trust
- Never forgive those who have betrayed
- Never wait for miracles
- Never show weakness

The rest I forgot, obviously some principles were changed, such as the issue with forgiveness, my STBX taught me that forgiveness is for the sake of my own peace, doesn't mean I have to forget

I was very young when I had those principles, looks like I have to re-evaluate my own personal code now that I'm nearing my 30s

Sounds good to me. I don't mind showing my weakness (or the fact that I didn't know what someone told me) as it tends to bring compassion and human value, but I think you are right if you mean we shouldn't choose to feel sorry for ourself when we could be picking ourselves up and dusting off the dirt, so to speak

 

[RandomDude]

Yeah that's the goal, funny though, I really wanted to castrate myself today, or to cut up my pretty face heh

Thanks guys for your advice and helping me see things on a much healthier perspective.

Sounds good to me. I don't mind showing my weakness (or the fact that I didn't know what someone told me) as it tends to bring compassion and human value, but I think you are right if you mean we shouldn't choose to feel sorry for ourself when we could be picking ourselves up and dusting off the dirt, so to speak

Yeah, especially when I realised I have to set an example for my daughter as well... that was the kicker for me this afternoon.

 

[TiggyBlue]

Ok... well principles, I had this code, I can't remember all of it but it went something like this:

- Build strength through hardship
- Never betray trust
- Never forgive those who have betrayed
- Never wait for miracles
- Never show weakness

Pretty much had the same principles (or code) and have only changed 1.
It takes a very strong person to show weakness, especially when someone has been hurt badly before and without showing someone your comfortable with them or within yourself to show it then there isn't ever a full relationship, there's always 1 side your partner hasn't seen of you.

 

[Lyris]

Being strong doesn't mean not feeling. It means being resilient and flexible enough to feel everything, and keep going. You need a strong core, a still place within yourself.

 

[Athena1]

Hey Random Dude! Sorry to hear that it sucks so much!

You're going through a huge change right now and there are bound to be emotional spin-outs as you go through the process. I think you need to focus on accepting yourself, and accepting the way your life is changing. (Easier said than done, but it's something to work on.)

Do you have any good friends or family who are supporting you while you go through this? It might be a good idea to lean on them a little harder than you would when life is going well. I'm sure you'd expect them to do the same.

It's good that you're leaning on the forum through this, too. Only problem with us is we can't hang out with you and watch a movie (or whatever) when you feel like a pile of excrement.

Strong is sometimes about learning to bend in the wind, so you can bounce back instead of breaking.

 

[T&T]

RD,

I agree with what has been written. I'd like to add that a good run/jog does wonders for me. Give it a try and see how you feel.

 

[RandomDude]

Thanks guys, I don't have much support in RL, I can't really go up to my mates and tell them why I'm even seperated. I'll have to refer to this thread the next time I go emotionally bonkers, thanks for your sound advice, I can't deny the truth behind it.

Real strength isn't about hardening up to the point I shut off my emotions, looks like it just makes me go bonkers eventually

 

[AFEH]

RD, if your marriage as you knew is truly over then you will be grieving. It’s a process with a whole mixture of deeply felt and painful emotions, sadness, anger, anxiety, fear etc.


Take a read of 7 STAGES OF GRIEF so you know what you are going through. My anger was exceptionally intense, I put two punch bags up, one big and one small. It helped me dissipate my anger, you need to get it out of you, if you are angry, as it doesn’t do your insides any good at all.


It looks like you given up on Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality: Anthony De Mello, J. Francis Stroud: 9780385249379: Amazon.com: Books. If you have, pick it up again as it’s the very best way to learn how to disconnect and distance yourself from those emotions for a while at least such that peace and harmony has a chance to enter inside of you.

These times are normally intense. You can use that energy for positive things, to get physically fitter and to learn new ways of “being”. Buddhism for example helped me out a great deal.