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my wife and I have been married for several years and have 2 young children (after marriage). We are both in our early thirties. Things on the surface couldn't be better - healthy family, good jobs, etc - but I feel heaviness in my heart. I love my wife very much, but we have certain differences which I did not anticipate being an issue prior to marriage. Sometimes I feel like I'm having what people call a midlife crisis.
When I first met my wife, I thought she was essentially the prettiest/cutest girl I'd seen in real life. I found that she had many terrific attributes and that she was really a diamond. She was smart, hard working, good morals, nice, faithful, supportive, etc. However, it always seemed to me that she seemed insecure and never allowed me to "pursue" her - to feel that angst that people get when they really want something - something that engenders the feelings of being "passion/longing". Nevertheless, things went along and I listened to me brain and my eyes and we subsequently got married.
Since marriage, things have gone relatively well. We get along well for the most part. I never lose my temper, never become impatient, never express frustration, and always listen and try to help. However, there is always something that bubbles to the surface with her. Whether it is insecurity of her personal achievements in career, insecurity that I work with accomplished/attractive professional females, insecurity that I need to be more romantic and re-confirm my love and attraction for her, insecurity that she is not assertive enough as a mother, insecurity that my parents don't approve of her, etc etc, these "emotional crises" have been arising with more and more frequency (sometimes every day) especially since we've had kids.
At first, I tried to reason with her and help her think through it, but after several years of this and getting absolutely no where, and after reading books, I realize that women often just need "support and encouragement" rather than "advice" in these situations. However, these emotional crises, which consist more of being angry at me and upset that in some way I've been deficient rather than simply teary-eyed and needing a shoulder to lean on, more of stomping around the house and really changing into a different person, are been emotionally draining on me. In addition, it makes me sad to see her like this and to think that this insecurity pervades her being. She says that she just needs to release it sometimes and it would help if I just listen and that she'll get over it, but frankly, I am really tired of it and don't know how long I can take it.
I have always made concessions and tried to ameliorate her feelings by adjusting my actions and my life to help, but they never help. Oftentimes, the next day, she'll say that she was just emotional and I should just disregard yesterday's attitude. To this I always think, thank goodness I didn't make any drastic changes/sacrifices to try to help the situation.
It saddens me to see this side of her. I have always felt that ever we met, she always is deferential and seeking approval. I am certainly not one to try to take advantage of other people, and for the years that we were dating, I was equally "nice" and did not speak my opinion strongly, in order to match her preferred mode of communication. While this is not perfectly natural to me, it is not unpleasant, but it prevents me from being myself, which, I might add, is nowhere near being a loud, opinionated person, but rather just a normal person at ease. I always feel like I have to tread so lightly, lest I instigate some feelings of insecurity. I often come home from work and don't know if she's going to be stomping around and being mad at something (me). Often, I've woken up to her castigating me in some way and being responsible for her emotional turmoil/distress/stress.
I am sad because I feel marriage should be between two people who are like at the core, best friends, and attracted to each other and in love. I just feel there is a disconnect between us. Even though we are perfectly compatible, we are just on different wavelengths. I don't know what to do - I love my wife and married her because I was attracted to her and I knew she had great qualities and would make a great wife - which she is, and I believe I am a great husband - supportive, caring, understanding. I just don't know if I felt that instinctual/deep connection, and it saddens me that I don't know if I/we ever will. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go thru life feeling that the person I am supposed to be closest with is on a different wavelength deep down inside. What am I supposed to do when we are both old and all our other family and friends have moved away or died? I'll feel like I'm all alone in the world, and I don't want her to feel the same way. There are times when I feel closer and more connected to people I work with than my own wife, and she has said something to that effect too. I hate to say it, but maybe I went about things all wrong. I don't know what to do or how to correct things. I long for a deep connection, emotionally, one that you look into someone's eyes and you just connect. You just connect because you are looking into another person's soul without anything between you. It doesn't even really matter to me physical attraction at this point...my wife is beautiful and I am physically attracted to her. That is not really even an issue, probably contrary to her fear. Sigh.
When I first met my wife, I thought she was essentially the prettiest/cutest girl I'd seen in real life. I found that she had many terrific attributes and that she was really a diamond. She was smart, hard working, good morals, nice, faithful, supportive, etc. However, it always seemed to me that she seemed insecure and never allowed me to "pursue" her - to feel that angst that people get when they really want something - something that engenders the feelings of being "passion/longing". Nevertheless, things went along and I listened to me brain and my eyes and we subsequently got married.
Since marriage, things have gone relatively well. We get along well for the most part. I never lose my temper, never become impatient, never express frustration, and always listen and try to help. However, there is always something that bubbles to the surface with her. Whether it is insecurity of her personal achievements in career, insecurity that I work with accomplished/attractive professional females, insecurity that I need to be more romantic and re-confirm my love and attraction for her, insecurity that she is not assertive enough as a mother, insecurity that my parents don't approve of her, etc etc, these "emotional crises" have been arising with more and more frequency (sometimes every day) especially since we've had kids.
At first, I tried to reason with her and help her think through it, but after several years of this and getting absolutely no where, and after reading books, I realize that women often just need "support and encouragement" rather than "advice" in these situations. However, these emotional crises, which consist more of being angry at me and upset that in some way I've been deficient rather than simply teary-eyed and needing a shoulder to lean on, more of stomping around the house and really changing into a different person, are been emotionally draining on me. In addition, it makes me sad to see her like this and to think that this insecurity pervades her being. She says that she just needs to release it sometimes and it would help if I just listen and that she'll get over it, but frankly, I am really tired of it and don't know how long I can take it.
I have always made concessions and tried to ameliorate her feelings by adjusting my actions and my life to help, but they never help. Oftentimes, the next day, she'll say that she was just emotional and I should just disregard yesterday's attitude. To this I always think, thank goodness I didn't make any drastic changes/sacrifices to try to help the situation.
It saddens me to see this side of her. I have always felt that ever we met, she always is deferential and seeking approval. I am certainly not one to try to take advantage of other people, and for the years that we were dating, I was equally "nice" and did not speak my opinion strongly, in order to match her preferred mode of communication. While this is not perfectly natural to me, it is not unpleasant, but it prevents me from being myself, which, I might add, is nowhere near being a loud, opinionated person, but rather just a normal person at ease. I always feel like I have to tread so lightly, lest I instigate some feelings of insecurity. I often come home from work and don't know if she's going to be stomping around and being mad at something (me). Often, I've woken up to her castigating me in some way and being responsible for her emotional turmoil/distress/stress.
I am sad because I feel marriage should be between two people who are like at the core, best friends, and attracted to each other and in love. I just feel there is a disconnect between us. Even though we are perfectly compatible, we are just on different wavelengths. I don't know what to do - I love my wife and married her because I was attracted to her and I knew she had great qualities and would make a great wife - which she is, and I believe I am a great husband - supportive, caring, understanding. I just don't know if I felt that instinctual/deep connection, and it saddens me that I don't know if I/we ever will. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go thru life feeling that the person I am supposed to be closest with is on a different wavelength deep down inside. What am I supposed to do when we are both old and all our other family and friends have moved away or died? I'll feel like I'm all alone in the world, and I don't want her to feel the same way. There are times when I feel closer and more connected to people I work with than my own wife, and she has said something to that effect too. I hate to say it, but maybe I went about things all wrong. I don't know what to do or how to correct things. I long for a deep connection, emotionally, one that you look into someone's eyes and you just connect. You just connect because you are looking into another person's soul without anything between you. It doesn't even really matter to me physical attraction at this point...my wife is beautiful and I am physically attracted to her. That is not really even an issue, probably contrary to her fear. Sigh.