Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 29 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need some advice ladies, My wife and I have a good marriage we go on dates, hold hands, take vacations, go for walks and can talk for hour's still. But when it comes to our phsical intimacy we have challenges. My wife isn't into foreplay, sex and touching, she's not into kissing more than a peck, doesnt like receiving oral sex (she will let me at times but is quiet and still and does it just for me) doesn't like being touched down there with hands, doesn't like kissing and rubbing. I love all that stuff. Sex is just put it in. Most of the time "its" not ready and then becomes very uncomfortable for her and me to start. During sex she is quiet an "takes it". I know I'm good in bed (based on life experience) and am endowed right. She's just not a sexual person she can go months without it and be fine. Weve Been married 12 years, 2 kids and for the record we share chores and kid responsibilities. Sex used to be regular based on me asking for it and she never says no but things are getting boring to me so I don't want to anymore and is now birthdays and holidays. Anty suggestions on how I can turn things around for the both of us?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,938 Posts
DO you talk about sex , do you let her know how you feel about it ,
 
  • Like
Reactions: jlg07

·
Registered
Joined
·
511 Posts
You have to talk about how you're feeling first off. The other large red flag here for me is you STATING how good you are in bed. What works for one or even two or three, may not work for your wife. Man reading that triggers me for real. My former husband insisted on oral sex for me. I HATED it, he was so unbelievably rough with me it was awful and the kicker was he would not take any suggestions or requests to be softer or whatever to make it better for me. He got super mad one time and told me "I don't see what your problem is, all the other liked it." Seriously?

What I should have said, was you're right, it's me, I don't know what my problem is, I never had this issue when (insert the other two men I've been with in my life) went down on me? My bad. :rolleyes::rolleyes:

My point is, DON'T say anything about being a good lover to her. mmmmmk? Second, you say you talk for hours, talk about your sex life and how it's NOT your intention to make her uncomfortable by bring it up (seems like she would clam up from what you say) However, I too am uncomfortable about where our intimacy is going or even not going. Is there anything I can do or change for you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
You have to talk about how you're feeling first off. The other large red flag here for me is you STATING how good you are in bed. What works for one or even two or three, may not work for your wife. Man reading that triggers me for real. My former husband insisted on oral sex for me. I HATED it, he was so unbelievably rough with me it was awful and the kicker was he would not take any suggestions or requests to be softer or whatever to make it better for me. He got super mad one time and told me "I don't see what your problem is, all the other liked it." Seriously?

What I should have said, was you're right, it's me, I don't know what my problem is, I never had this issue when (insert the other two men I've been with in my life) went down on me? My bad. :rolleyes::rolleyes:

My point is, DON'T say anything about being a good lover to her. mmmmmk? Second, you say you talk for hours, talk about your sex life and how it's NOT your intention to make her uncomfortable by bring it up (seems like she would clam up from what you say) However, I too am uncomfortable about where our intimacy is going or even not going. Is there anything I can do or change for you?
Hey thank you I appreciate your reply and discussing YOUR triggers. My wife says I'm good in bed. We've had many discussions about this topic as we communicate very effectively with each other. It's not how I do it but she has never liked oral sex in her prior relationships either. My wife just isn't a sexual person.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,186 Posts
I need some advice ladies, My wife and I have a good marriage we go on dates, hold hands, take vacations, go for walks and can talk for hour's still. But when it comes to our phsical intimacy we have challenges. My wife isn't into foreplay, sex and touching, she's not into kissing more than a peck, doesnt like receiving oral sex (she will let me at times but is quiet and still and does it just for me) doesn't like being touched down there with hands, doesn't like kissing and rubbing. I love all that stuff. Sex is just put it in. Most of the time "its" not ready and then becomes very uncomfortable for her and me to start. During sex she is quiet an "takes it". I know I'm good in bed (based on life experience) and am endowed right. She's just not a sexual person she can go months without it and be fine. Weve Been married 12 years, 2 kids and for the record we share chores and kid responsibilities. Sex used to be regular based on me asking for it and she never says no but things are getting boring to me so I don't want to anymore and is now birthdays and holidays. Anty suggestions on how I can turn things around for the both of us?
The problem here is that you married her knowing she was like this. Why? Were you hoping you could change her into a more sexual person? Because that almost NEVER happens.

Have you told her that you want to turn things around and have more exciting sex (and told her what that is to you)?

Because without her interest and cooperation, the only thing you can try is to go back to what worked for you with her in the past, that you found boring.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Hey thanks for replying. Yes I did get into this knowing. She said once we get married things will be different because we will be married and she will be more open and yes I did think I could as her husband but this didn't transpire. We tried new things to make her feel sexy like outfits, and new places but it wore off after a few encounters. I think as you suggested we talk about this again for her suggestions and see if she has anything that interests her now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
511 Posts
Hey thanks for replying. Yes I did get into this knowing. She said once we get married things will be different because we will be married and she will be more open and yes I did think I could as her husband but this didn't transpire. We tried new things to make her feel sexy like outfits, and new places but it wore off after a few encounters. I think as you suggested we talk about this again for her suggestions and see if she has anything that interests her now.
Well bless your confidence. Some women don’t like
hurt a man’s ego. But, you say so so it’s probably fine then.. sounds like you’re going to be here venting a lot, vs able to ‘fix’ her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,969 Posts
Hey thank you I appreciate your reply and discussing YOUR triggers. My wife says I'm good in bed. We've had many discussions about this topic as we communicate very effectively with each other. It's not how I do it but she has never liked oral sex in her prior relationships either. My wife just isn't a sexual person.
I am no knocking your ability here but I think most partners will tell each other that they are great in bed to help build confidence. I used to tell my ex the same but I can say I was not as happy as I wanted to be. Not saying this is your wife's situation. Unfortunately, your wife is missing out on the build up to make things more comfortable for her. I would try some other form of fore-play, perhaps a massage. I think jumping right in is like "let's get this over with."

My ex was a once and done and he did not hit that right spot.....trust me it is there and the right guy who knows how to hit it, watch out!!!!! No more one and done for me!!!!!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,205 Posts
Hey OP, I have no advice but my wife is EXACTLY the same way. And she has no interest in talking about sex. If I bring it up, it leads to her getting mad and an argument. Just has the "lets get it done" attitude. We have sex but its not really all that good.

Sorry I don't have any input and obviously not trying to hijack your thread but just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Best of luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
511 Posts
I am no knocking your ability here but I think most partners will tell each other that they are great in bed to help build confidence. I used to tell my ex the same but I can say I was not as happy as I wanted to be. Not saying this is your wife's situation. Unfortunately, your wife is missing out on the build up to make things more comfortable for her. I would try some other form of fore-play, perhaps a massage. I think jumping right in is like "let's get this over with."

My ex was a once and done and he did not hit that right spot.....trust me it is there and the right guy who knows how to hit it, watch out!!!!! No more one and done for me!!!!!!!
This is what I was getting at. Much better spoken!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,969 Posts
Hey OP, I have no advice but my wife is EXACTLY the same way. And she has no interest in talking about sex. If I bring it up, it leads to her getting mad and an argument. Just has the "lets get it done" attitude. We have sex but its not really all that good.

Sorry I don't have any input and obviously not trying to hijack your thread but just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Best of luck.
To you and the OP, it would be my guess that if your wives are not interested in talking about sex it is because there is something that is missing in the marriage. Your reassurance is sex but that is not hers. It could be a variety of issues......do you have her back with her in-laws? Do you stand up and protect her or do you let your mom and sisters run over her? Do you spend all your time doing things that are important to you......job, gym, time with the guys, hunting, video games, watching TV but do not find quality time with your wife? Does your wife know that you love her and are attracted to her or does she feel like you are always looking at every skirt that passes? What is your porn use and how does she feel about it? All these things make a difference in a woman's mind. She has to know that you love her and want her for HER and not just to get your rocks off. No wife wants to feel like a sperm receptacle.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,205 Posts
To you and the OP, it would be my guess that if your wives are not interested in talking about sex it is because there is something that is missing in the marriage. Your reassurance is sex but that is not hers. It could be a variety of issues......do you have her back with her in-laws? Do you stand up and protect her or do you let your mom and sisters run over her? Do you spend all your time doing things that are important to you......job, gym, time with the guys, hunting, video games, watching TV but do not find quality time with your wife? Does your wife know that you love her and are attracted to her or does she feel like you are always looking at every skirt that passes? What is your porn use and how does she feel about it? All these things make a difference in a woman's mind. She has to know that you love her and want her for HER and not just to get your rocks off. No wife wants to feel like a sperm receptacle.
Well for me, I have all those things covered. Wife says she is happy and thinks we have a good sex life. She has said before that sex isn't as important to her as it is me. As she doesn't want to discuss sex, that's all I've really got.

I can't work on making things better if she says "we are fine". (And thats for things in and out of the bedroom)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
511 Posts
Well for me, I have all those things covered. Wife says she is happy and thinks we have a good sex life. She has said before that sex isn't as important to her as it is me. As she doesn't want to discuss sex, that's all I've really got.

I can't work on making things better if she says "we are fine". (And thats for things in and out of the bedroom)
Hate that for ya. I’ve never understood that mindset, not just in sex but all things. Why would you not want to go above and beyond to make your spouse happy? I did it and it wasn’t even a reciprocating wheel, but I did it anyway.

I suppose it’s what we’re willing to put up with on either side and I must also be a one off. I know I’m going to have REALLY hard time finding a new partner in life. I already sense it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
456 Posts
My ex was a once and done and he did not hit that right spot.....trust me it is there and the right guy who knows how to hit it, watch out!!!!! No more one and done for me!!!!!!!
I don't know whether I ever hit "it". My wife had orgasms and sometimes liked to do simultaneous orgasms. When I asked how to please her she would always say "Men know what to do..." We had some conversations recently and I reminded her about that. I told her that "I didn't know s**t!" and she got a giggle out of that. A bit frustrating at the time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,534 Posts
I need some advice ladies, My wife and I have a good marriage we go on dates, hold hands, take vacations, go for walks and can talk for hour's still. But when it comes to our phsical intimacy we have challenges. My wife isn't into foreplay, sex and touching, she's not into kissing more than a peck, doesnt like receiving oral sex (she will let me at times but is quiet and still and does it just for me) doesn't like being touched down there with hands, doesn't like kissing and rubbing. I love all that stuff. Sex is just put it in. Most of the time "its" not ready and then becomes very uncomfortable for her and me to start. During sex she is quiet an "takes it". I know I'm good in bed (based on life experience) and am endowed right. She's just not a sexual person she can go months without it and be fine. Weve Been married 12 years, 2 kids and for the record we share chores and kid responsibilities. Sex used to be regular based on me asking for it and she never says no but things are getting boring to me so I don't want to anymore and is now birthdays and holidays. Anty suggestions on how I can turn things around for the both of us?
In serious cases on no/very low libido testosterone therapy can awaken the beast. The big problem there is finding a doctor who specializes in this sort of thing and will work with you for libido or Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. My wife's libido drop to almost zero after our second child. After about 6 months she called a sexual health doctor who had a show in Sirius my wife use to listen to. That doctor put my wife in touch with a doctor near us who was working with her on studying using testosterone for pre-menopausal women with HSDD. That doctor tested her and found she had low testosterone and first put her on a testosterone cream and that had very little effect. Then he put her on injections. After about 3 weeks of that and reading some erotic literature and things like that she turned into a sex demon. She no longer on testosterone and she still has a way above average libido.

Other things that can help but may be more of a hit or miss depending on the person.

PT-141 (Bremelanotide) is an injection that is used to treat HSDD. It is more like female viagra as it is used situationally. My wife and I experiment with a lot of stuff sexually and this stuff does enhance desire for my wife at least. People seem to report being able to achieve orgasm during PIV sex while on it even if they normally could not. My wife orgasms very easily through PIV so I can't speak to that. Downside is it does make you nauseous for a couple of hours after injecting. I'm not sure how it would work on someone like your wife.

THC - A low dose edible like 5mg can relax the mind and enhance body sensations. My wife loves sex on THC. Definitely not for everybody. Should be an indica dominant hybrid based strain for best results in our experience. Probably not the best option with small kids in the house, more of a kid free weekend type thing. There are also THC infused lubricants like foria and purient. The lubes are only found at licensed dispensaries.

Now the absolute biggest factor regardless of anything else is your wife will have to want to improve her libido and sex life. None of the above will work if she doesn't want things to improve. I was lucky that my wife was as bothered by her loss of libido as I was and she took the initiative to find a solution. The trouble you will have if your wife has never had a libido is she doesn't know what she is missing so there is likely no motivation to solve a problem she doesn't think exists.

Good luck. And remember good open effective mutual communication is step 1 always.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,205 Posts
Now the absolute biggest factor regardless of anything else is your wife will have to want to improve her libido and sex life. None of the above will work if she doesn't want things to improve. I was lucky that my wife was as bothered by her loss of libido as I was and she took the initiative to find a solution. The trouble you will have if your wife has never had a libido is she doesn't know what she is missing so there is likely no motivation to solve a problem she doesn't think exists.
Yep!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,969 Posts
Well for me, I have all those things covered. Wife says she is happy and thinks we have a good sex life. She has said before that sex isn't as important to her as it is me. As she doesn't want to discuss sex, that's all I've really got.

I can't work on making things better if she says "we are fine". (And thats for things in and out of the bedroom)
I would trust her reply. Her drive is not as high as yours. She cannot feel what she does not have to feel!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,052 Posts
I need some advice ladies,

.......My wife isn't into foreplay, sex and touching, she's not into kissing more than a peck, doesnt like receiving oral sex (she will let me at times but is quiet and still and does it just for me) doesn't like being touched down there with hands, doesn't like kissing and rubbing. I love all that stuff. Sex is just put it in. Most of the time "its" not ready and then becomes very uncomfortable for her and me to start. During sex she is quiet an "takes it".

...Been married 12 years, 2 kids

....Anty suggestions on how I can turn things around for the both of us?
.......My wife says I'm good in bed. We've had many discussions about this topic as we communicate very effectively with each other. It's not how I do it but she has never liked oral sex in her prior relationships either. My wife just isn't a sexual person.
......Yes I did get into this knowing. She said once we get married things will be different because we will be married and she will be more open and yes I did think I could as her husband but this didn't transpire. We tried new things to make her feel sexy like outfits, and new places but it wore off after a few encounters. I think as you suggested we talk about this again for her suggestions and see if she has anything that interests her now.
I can not provide a wife's perspective. What I can provide is the perspective that a man who almost divorced his wife of 38 years because of very similar situation found in reconciling his marriage that is now over 51 years.

Whatever the reasons for your wife's not enjoying or wanting sex with you are her reasons. You can't change them, she is the only one who can change them. If you are the problem, you can try to change some aspects of your sexuality and see if it improves things. At that point she can either give you positive feed back, which is a form of changing herself and attitudes about sex or stay with the status quo. Only you can change you and only she can change her.

As to your skills as a lover. Often times sex partners are not honest as they know how horrible things will get if they are honest. How many men and women fake orgasms, just to get things done? Yes, me fake orgasms as well. So don't comfort yourself with your stud-like sexual skills.

I got feed up after about 38 years of marriage, when my wife told me she would never have sex with me again and she never wanted to have sex with anyone again. I still loved her. I took that as a wake up call and did a lot of self introspection. I read just about every relationship book I could get my hands on. I came to the conclusion that if I just divorced her, I would likely end up in a failed marriage again, unless I learned what my mistakes in this marriage. I therefore, made myself two promises: (1) I would try to become a better husband to change myself and save my marriage, and (2) I would be in a loving sexual relationship by my 62nd birthday, I wanted it to be with my wife, but if she was not capable of that, I would divorce her and find someone else who would give me what I needed.

I first started by changing myself and how I treated her. (My suggestion is get, read, & study) MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage; Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy; and Chapman's book, The Five Languages of Love. They will teach you a lot about yourself and what you can do to change the dynamic within your marriage.

The next major event was working with a marriage counselor who was also a sex therapist. The ST helped us discuss our gridlock problems. She also provided us with lots of reading material, homework, etc. The most positive things, included: Sensate Focus exercises; Yes/No/Maybe lists of sex acts (which were then discussed in depth); watching Sinclair Institute, better sex videos and discussing them; and visualizing what we each wanted from marriage in 5, 10, 15 years if we stayed married.

Ultimately, the ST got through to my wife and asked her what she thought would happen if we never had sex again. My wife admitted that we would likely divorce. The ST said that was what she observed in the hundreds of couples she had counseled. The ST then told me wife that she could either change the way she treated me or she could live with the consequences of a divorce that she choose. My wife did not like finding out divorce would be her call and the consequences would be upon her, but ultimately realized the truth of the matter and that I was willing to rebuild our marriage and change parts of the relationship.

You asked for advice on what might change things. I have shared what worked for me.

Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
248 Posts
I need some advice ladies, My wife and I have a good marriage we go on dates, hold hands, take vacations, go for walks and can talk for hour's still. But when it comes to our phsical intimacy we have challenges. My wife isn't into foreplay, sex and touching, she's not into kissing more than a peck, doesnt like receiving oral sex (she will let me at times but is quiet and still and does it just for me) doesn't like being touched down there with hands, doesn't like kissing and rubbing. I love all that stuff. Sex is just put it in. Most of the time "its" not ready and then becomes very uncomfortable for her and me to start. During sex she is quiet an "takes it". I know I'm good in bed (based on life experience) and am endowed right. She's just not a sexual person she can go months without it and be fine. Weve Been married 12 years, 2 kids and for the record we share chores and kid responsibilities. Sex used to be regular based on me asking for it and she never says no but things are getting boring to me so I don't want to anymore and is now birthdays and holidays. Anty suggestions on how I can turn things around for the both of us?
Intimacy isn’t one of those things that needs not be talked about, like eating and drinking. If she has an issue with what or how you’re doing something she ought to say it loud and clear. Not whisper it or let it out while you have your face on her cooch.

She knows she’s playing with fire.

DO NOT spend another minute with a spouse that has intimacy issues. Even if you end up getting divorced, you’ll be doing her next partner a favor by letting her know what is and ISN’T acceptable behavior.
 
1 - 20 of 29 Posts
Top