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Need Some Sound Advice! Can't decide to Stay or Go..

2565 Views 15 Replies 7 Participants Last post by  stellawm
HI. I apologize for this long story but the details are important. I have been married for 4 years; together w/ spouse for 9. I am 40 and he is 42. We have always had a tumultuous relationship, with bad fights, and many times in the past he has said he wasn't sure about the relationship. This stopped for a while once we got engaged, and for the first year-year and a half, and we were happy/calm/content with one another. I know he loves, me, but at this point I really think we are together out of attachment and fear of the unknown.
Latest fight: about 2 & 1/2 months ago, I came home from a family gathering (which my husband never wants to go to); he had obviously had a few too many drinks in him (seriously buzzed, not falling over drunk)...he started a fight with me about having kids. He wants kids, I don't. Whenever we touched on this topic (before and after marriage), we were always kind of indifferent to the idea, saying it "might be nice", or "I don't know...I don't want them right now..maybe some day." We got married in our mid-later thirties so obviously we weren't that much in a rush to have kids. He gave me an ultimatum, and said that I have 2 months to decide on whether or not I'm going to "give him a family"...that I should want to "pop one or two out"...he brought up all the people we know and that they have kids, and "what's wrong with me" that I don't want to have them...he said i have to decide within 2 months otherwise he'll have to find someone else. Well needless to say we fought about this, as I tried to reason with him about how unreasonable he was being, and how offensive he was being, and if he wanted to have a conversation about the possibility of having a family that this was not the way to go about it. He became enraged and screamed, "I married the wrong woman"...not once but twice. I was, and still am, appalled at his behavior and I am totally turned off/put up a wall and feel no respect or attraction towards him now (I had respect and some attraction prior, though that was fading).
Since this episode, others have occurred in the following weeks: he has gotten drunk repeatedly (not a new thing, but more frequent now as he is hurting) another drunken state he told me i've given him nothing in the past 9&1/2 years...that he needs to find someone else who he is compatible with, who wants a family and a house -- we have a house that I hate, I did not want to buy it but agreed to it (and put up half the money) for him cause I knew he wanted it...I hate where we live and Im not happy with the house, and i've always resented him for it; now he resents me as we have put it on the market. My husband has a history of anger issues, binge drinking, and doesn't communicate until he explodes. He has punched walls and made holes in doors in the past (where he's hurt his hand)...once I tried to grab him to prevent him from leaving the house during an argument (which he does often)...he told me to let go of him or else he'd hurt me.. I was really shocked, so I backed off.
Well, I said we needed to separate as I can't seem to get over the awful things he's said to me. Now, he's being calm and quite and caring, and has begged and cried that he'd be devastated if I left him, and that he wants me to forgive him. I have looked at apartments but can't seem to follow through with actually leaving. PS: I have felt that we are not connected--romantically, sexually, and lack overall compatibility before these latest episodes (i'd say for the past year, at least). However, he can also be a good man--I know it sounds contradictory--but he is hard-working in his career and at home. When we do get along (not lately), we don't have a whole lot to talk about or a whole lot in common, but he can be pleasant and kind, and even caring. He cooks meals for us (although he has at times thrown in my face how I don't really cook, and has said, "What the hell do you do around here anyway?! -- This was hurtful because not only do I have a full-time career (I'm a teacher) and a part-time job, but I do plenty--I think--around the house.
I have been in individual therapy for years, and we have both gone together for marriage counseling for several sessions, but it has always resulted in me blowing up at him, as my anger towards him has been off the charts lately... I am having such a hard time being civil to him, and deciding whether I should work on my marriage or just leave. I often fantasize on meeting someone new, who I am compatible with and with whom there always isn't fights and hurting. Then I say to myself, he is my husband and wants forgiveness, maybe he will indeed make some changes like he says he wants to...what kind of woman am I if I leave him and bail on my marriage?? He lost his job [that he hated] earlier this year (he is now working in his field part/time), and with selling the house he loves, he is already losing so much...I feel like a real heel to leave him now. Please any advice is so welcome! Thank You!
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Thanks ankh,
Good question to think about. It's so strange, because I consider myself a very "strong" woman, yet when you bring up that he sounds dangerous, I wonder... Those times that he raged and punched walls, etc, etc. I threatened to call the police and told him he was scaring me (and indeed found his actions scary)...then he changes back to his calm, caring self, and I think, am I overreacting? It also hasn't happened in a while, so i'm thinking, maybe he's got a handle on it.. But it is indeed a lot of drama and I am super tired of it and just want some peace.
I know he's going to be crushed if i really do leave and i feel guilty still.
The thing is, I've already been told "its ok to leave" ... my therapist, my friends... I imagine the life i could have without him and get fired up to leave; then I think of the "good" times we've had, and how much i'll hurt him, and being alone, etc.
I'm not trying to be difficult; I am just soo stuck! :-(
Slowly Getting Wiser,
Thank you, wow. All that you have so clearly articulated is EXACTLY how I truly know I feel deep deep down inside, and know in my heart what is inevitable. I've been through ALOT in my life, but I guess this is just so huge and so hard to do, but I KNOW what must be done.
I guess sometimes you need to hear someone else articulate it so clearly.
We had dinner tonite together...we keep trying and forcing, though we both was tense and depressing. I know what i have to do for our/my overall happiness.
Many thanks.
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tom67: I've asked him to go to an anger management group, or for individual counseling. He says no to both. He'll only agree to go to marital counseling (w/ my therapist)...though when we have gone he really doesn't express/verbalize/communicate much feelings; I end up getting angrier.
I never thought it would get this bad! My H. drank excessively a few days ago, with friends, came home, opened another beer out if the fridg, sat down in front of me, and to my horror washes down
several pills (an Rx he never bothered taking from a dental visit. I called 911 and went to ER. He's been there since as he is having heart complications that are treatable. He is stable. He is very remorseful, crying, saying he is sad for putting me thru all this and for being horrible to me (leading up to incident he told me to shut up, go away, run along before his "angry side comes out". In his drunken rage (aftr he took pills he screamed "i am god and you are ****". I know how awful this sounds, now he's hit rock bottom and he is sad and remorseful and i have been by him at the hospital all day and night. I feel awful for him. I hope this is a wake up call for him; now my feelings are more confused than ever: I feel so sorry for him, I want to support him and be there for him, I am so sooo angry with him, and still feel like we should eventually separate - so he can wok on himself (and I can take care of myself)...but i am also
flooded with feelings of love for the man that didnt always behave this way. When he took the pills he was going to lie down to go to sleep, and he said that it would be all my fault if he didnt wake up! I know that is not true at all, but part of me feels like i put too much stress on him, knowing well that he dint have the coping skills to handle it. I am so distraught! Any words of support would so help right now (I do have a great support system of family n friends, and his family is coming into town in a couple of days, but often it is the objective words/views of strangers that can put things into perspective)!
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Complexities and Liam...
Thank u for your support and advice...Comforting and wise words... I know deep down that is the truth, and I can feel my true self inside telling me what I really want/need to do for myself (I just wish the guilty voice inside me would quiet)...its not only guilt, i do love and care for him...however, I really strongly feel i need time to myself for a bit. His family is coming into town for a few weeks, and I'm thinking of telling my H. that I want to take this time for myself and stay somewhere else (sublet for a few wks, hotel, or a friends)...I figure since he won't be alone, it would be a good time for me to do so...but...I feel so guilty to do that right after he gets out of the hospital. I still feel like as his wife I should be there for him. I will support him during structured times, but I don't want to stay with him in house. I am so torn.
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