HI. I apologize for this long story but the details are important. I have been married for 4 years; together w/ spouse for 9. I am 40 and he is 42. We have always had a tumultuous relationship, with bad fights, and many times in the past he has said he wasn't sure about the relationship. This stopped for a while once we got engaged, and for the first year-year and a half, and we were happy/calm/content with one another. I know he loves, me, but at this point I really think we are together out of attachment and fear of the unknown.
Latest fight: about 2 & 1/2 months ago, I came home from a family gathering (which my husband never wants to go to); he had obviously had a few too many drinks in him (seriously buzzed, not falling over drunk)...he started a fight with me about having kids. He wants kids, I don't. Whenever we touched on this topic (before and after marriage), we were always kind of indifferent to the idea, saying it "might be nice", or "I don't know...I don't want them right now..maybe some day." We got married in our mid-later thirties so obviously we weren't that much in a rush to have kids. He gave me an ultimatum, and said that I have 2 months to decide on whether or not I'm going to "give him a family"...that I should want to "pop one or two out"...he brought up all the people we know and that they have kids, and "what's wrong with me" that I don't want to have them...he said i have to decide within 2 months otherwise he'll have to find someone else. Well needless to say we fought about this, as I tried to reason with him about how unreasonable he was being, and how offensive he was being, and if he wanted to have a conversation about the possibility of having a family that this was not the way to go about it. He became enraged and screamed, "I married the wrong woman"...not once but twice. I was, and still am, appalled at his behavior and I am totally turned off/put up a wall and feel no respect or attraction towards him now (I had respect and some attraction prior, though that was fading).
Since this episode, others have occurred in the following weeks: he has gotten drunk repeatedly (not a new thing, but more frequent now as he is hurting)...in another drunken state he told me i've given him nothing in the past 9&1/2 years...that he needs to find someone else who he is compatible with, who wants a family and a house -- we have a house that I hate, I did not want to buy it but agreed to it (and put up half the money) for him cause I knew he wanted it...I hate where we live and Im not happy with the house, and i've always resented him for it; now he resents me as we have put it on the market. My husband has a history of anger issues, binge drinking, and doesn't communicate until he explodes. He has punched walls and made holes in doors in the past (where he's hurt his hand)...once I tried to grab him to prevent him from leaving the house during an argument (which he does often)...he told me to let go of him or else he'd hurt me.. I was really shocked, so I backed off.
Well, I said we needed to separate as I can't seem to get over the awful things he's said to me. Now, he's being calm and quite and caring, and has begged and cried that he'd be devastated if I left him, and that he wants me to forgive him. I have looked at apartments but can't seem to follow through with actually leaving. PS: I have felt that we are not connected--romantically, sexually, and lack overall compatibility before these latest episodes (i'd say for the past year, at least). However, he can also be a good man--I know it sounds contradictory--but he is hard-working in his career and at home. When we do get along (not lately), we don't have a whole lot to talk about or a whole lot in common, but he can be pleasant and kind, and even caring. He cooks meals for us (although he has at times thrown in my face how I don't really cook, and has said, "What the hell do you do around here anyway?! -- This was hurtful because not only do I have a full-time career (I'm a teacher) and a part-time job, but I do plenty--I think--around the house.
I have been in individual therapy for years, and we have both gone together for marriage counseling for several sessions, but it has always resulted in me blowing up at him, as my anger towards him has been off the charts lately... I am having such a hard time being civil to him, and deciding whether I should work on my marriage or just leave. I often fantasize on meeting someone new, who I am compatible with and with whom there always isn't fights and hurting. Then I say to myself, he is my husband and wants forgiveness, maybe he will indeed make some changes like he says he wants to...what kind of woman am I if I leave him and bail on my marriage?? He lost his job [that he hated] earlier this year (he is now working in his field part/time), and with selling the house he loves, he is already losing so much...I feel like a real heel to leave him now. Please any advice is so welcome! Thank You!
Latest fight: about 2 & 1/2 months ago, I came home from a family gathering (which my husband never wants to go to); he had obviously had a few too many drinks in him (seriously buzzed, not falling over drunk)...he started a fight with me about having kids. He wants kids, I don't. Whenever we touched on this topic (before and after marriage), we were always kind of indifferent to the idea, saying it "might be nice", or "I don't know...I don't want them right now..maybe some day." We got married in our mid-later thirties so obviously we weren't that much in a rush to have kids. He gave me an ultimatum, and said that I have 2 months to decide on whether or not I'm going to "give him a family"...that I should want to "pop one or two out"...he brought up all the people we know and that they have kids, and "what's wrong with me" that I don't want to have them...he said i have to decide within 2 months otherwise he'll have to find someone else. Well needless to say we fought about this, as I tried to reason with him about how unreasonable he was being, and how offensive he was being, and if he wanted to have a conversation about the possibility of having a family that this was not the way to go about it. He became enraged and screamed, "I married the wrong woman"...not once but twice. I was, and still am, appalled at his behavior and I am totally turned off/put up a wall and feel no respect or attraction towards him now (I had respect and some attraction prior, though that was fading).
Since this episode, others have occurred in the following weeks: he has gotten drunk repeatedly (not a new thing, but more frequent now as he is hurting)...in another drunken state he told me i've given him nothing in the past 9&1/2 years...that he needs to find someone else who he is compatible with, who wants a family and a house -- we have a house that I hate, I did not want to buy it but agreed to it (and put up half the money) for him cause I knew he wanted it...I hate where we live and Im not happy with the house, and i've always resented him for it; now he resents me as we have put it on the market. My husband has a history of anger issues, binge drinking, and doesn't communicate until he explodes. He has punched walls and made holes in doors in the past (where he's hurt his hand)...once I tried to grab him to prevent him from leaving the house during an argument (which he does often)...he told me to let go of him or else he'd hurt me.. I was really shocked, so I backed off.
Well, I said we needed to separate as I can't seem to get over the awful things he's said to me. Now, he's being calm and quite and caring, and has begged and cried that he'd be devastated if I left him, and that he wants me to forgive him. I have looked at apartments but can't seem to follow through with actually leaving. PS: I have felt that we are not connected--romantically, sexually, and lack overall compatibility before these latest episodes (i'd say for the past year, at least). However, he can also be a good man--I know it sounds contradictory--but he is hard-working in his career and at home. When we do get along (not lately), we don't have a whole lot to talk about or a whole lot in common, but he can be pleasant and kind, and even caring. He cooks meals for us (although he has at times thrown in my face how I don't really cook, and has said, "What the hell do you do around here anyway?! -- This was hurtful because not only do I have a full-time career (I'm a teacher) and a part-time job, but I do plenty--I think--around the house.
I have been in individual therapy for years, and we have both gone together for marriage counseling for several sessions, but it has always resulted in me blowing up at him, as my anger towards him has been off the charts lately... I am having such a hard time being civil to him, and deciding whether I should work on my marriage or just leave. I often fantasize on meeting someone new, who I am compatible with and with whom there always isn't fights and hurting. Then I say to myself, he is my husband and wants forgiveness, maybe he will indeed make some changes like he says he wants to...what kind of woman am I if I leave him and bail on my marriage?? He lost his job [that he hated] earlier this year (he is now working in his field part/time), and with selling the house he loves, he is already losing so much...I feel like a real heel to leave him now. Please any advice is so welcome! Thank You!
