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Discussion Starter #1
I need some help getting some objective views from people who don't know me or my wife.

My wife and I just got married about 6 months ago. We are both 25 (she's 6 months older) but we are both at totally different places in our lives. She works full time as a professional and is on her last quarter of getting her MBA. I am also a student but I am working towards a 2-year degree and am in the proccess of trying to apply to a 4-year program. Plus I work only 11-16 hours a week at a student job.

We have been having a lot of emotional tiffs (she says they're discussions and I call them arguments) with each other lately because of a lot of unsaid feelings between the two fo us.

The main issue is that as I am looking at 4-year programs I am looking to apply to schools all over the country. We live on the West coast and she has a contract with her work that if they pay for her school she has to stay with them for two years after she graduates. So for me to go to any school outside of the immediate area means that I would be going by myself and she would stay here.

This causes a lot of tension between us because I want to be accepted to a 4-year program (the degree I want is very competitive) but limiting my options to just our area lowers my chances significantly. At the same time she feels that I don't care, or at least don't care enough, about her feelings and our relationship when I talk about schools out of state.

A short backstory on us: She is a phenomenal student, straight A's from Kindergarten to her final quarter in her MBA program, and she makes it look so easy. I, on the other hand, have always struggled (high school dropout) and am now just finding success in academics which pumps up my ambition (and ego) to try to apply to schools that I want to go to. One school is in the area and is very selective the other is not great at all in my opinion. The other schools are out of state and more realistic in terms of acceptance and are good schools, and some just kind of fantasy schools.

She doesn't want me to resent her for keeping me here but when ever she thinks about me being away from her for 2-3 years it brings her to tears.

I want to be able to stay home and be with my wife but I also really want to go to a school that I want. The in state school is tough and I would pick an out of state over the bad school in state.

Is it wrong for me to want to go out of state (assuming I don't get what I want here); leaving my wife at home and probably putting our untested marriage through that much stress? It's not like anyone is forcing me to leave (i.e. military, job requirements), this is of my own desire to apply out of state to up my chances.

Am I just being selfish?

Is there anyone who has/had similar experiences or any advice?
 

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It would help a lot to know what you are getting your degree in.

If you go to school out of state, there is a very good chance that your marriage will not survive it. It would take extra-ordinary people to make it work for that long a separation.

There are financial issues as well. Out of state tuition will be much higher. There will be two households to finance. There will be travel.

What do you offer her to make your marriage keep it's intimacy?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
My degree, that I want, is in Electrical Engineering.

We have talked about finances, travel, all the school related issues with me going out of state.

Right now we are actually starting marriage counselling because I get so caught up in school I find myself putting my marriage on the back burner until an argument brings me back to reality. Which doesn't last long and we end up in the same cycle.

Our differeing in opinions has really damaged our emotional connection. We just can't seem to understand each other.

She feels like I want to leave and I feel like she doesn't care about my success in school.
 

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Don't know where you live on the West Coast, but there are a lot of good schools there for Electrical Engineering.


Without more information I don't understand why you would have to go out of state for an MS EE. It's not exactly an exotic degree. As for competition.. there are lots of openings for people with EE degrees. We have trouble finding enough of them to fill what we need. It's especially true of people with EE degrees who can speak/read/write English well.
 

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You are planning for your financial future together...she is being a little short sighted IMO. Perhaps through counselling you can explain it to her in a different way where she can take a small step back and realise the long term goals you have for your marriage...not just the short term. She wouldnt want you giving up your dream for a short term gain would she?...perhaps explain in that way? Good luck! :)
 

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Your marriage should be your first priority and the school you go to should be your second.

The chances of your relationship surviving the distance is slim. You need to decided which is most important.

Maybe you are jumping the gun. Find out where you get accepted and then maybe your wife should explore opportunities that may be available to her where you are going. It sounds like there would be many organizations that would be happy to have someone as competent as her.
 

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I think the question her.Is not if you think if it would be wrong to think, to wanna move..Not to be harsh here..
but here is why

My wife and I just got married about 6 months ago

And this already?
 

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Ok.
She is and aways has been an "A" (alpha) super student. That means, that her a. Education b. Work commitments/promises/career c. Success- mean a lot to her.
(I mean they relfect the basic type of preson she is. How she sees herself- This is s known/good thing, well it is not a BAD thing...)

She is not saying she does not want you to educate yourself, she is in the impossible position of doing what she loves (and probably has worked, very succesfully her entire adult life for) and BEING with who she loves.

BTW-

What are your math scores like? What are your profs telling you now?
(P.S. in this field, where you went to school has little to do with how you are respected... It is your job performance from day one.)
EE goes way beyond circutry.
My Hub. is an EE - you are right, the schools are selective, and the math is astoundingly complex. Have you considered Civil, mechanical, AS or other E fields?
 

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Youre already in counselling after six months! Must be a record. Are you sure its only the 'school' which is the problem. I doubt it very much. Anyway the MC must have given you some direction. You have married a woman who is not only older but cleverer and more talented in every way. You seem to want to catch up. It doesnt work. You either have to be satisfied with 'events' as they are or move on. May one ask what exactly does she see in you.
 

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To me it seems like maybe there can be some sort of compromise here. I would agree once you get married, you should put your marriage above your career or school aspirations as a priority. If it's not above those, it's probably not going to work very well in the long run.

But that being said, you shouldn't just abandon your newfound love of academics. You said she has to stay in the area for a couple more years with her job, right? Would she be willing to move after that? Could you put things on hold and then pursue the 4 year school then? Maybe spend those couple years focusing on your marriage, and saving up the money you would need for this adventure? Or, as Elegirl was saying, there might be more schools or opportunities in your state, near your wife, that you could pursue.

I know this sounds harsh, but it does sound a little like you are focusing too much on career and not enough on new wife, at a time that both of you need to be focused on making things work. I understand and commend your progress in school, and would hope that she would be supportive of it, and it seems from what you say that she is, but is hurt because she feels like you are putting it above her. And I would be too, in her shoes, I think.

There are many options, it's not just black and white. Keep that in mind. And probably marriage counseling is a good idea. I hope that it helps you guys.
 

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Uhm, did she know were wanting to do this when you two got married? If not, then i think its very selfish of you to be asking her to accept this. She signed up for a partner, someone to come home to, a companion not for someone to be running off and leaving her *single* again? The first few years of marriage are very critical as they are when two ppl are learning how to live together and how to work together as a team now. Big mistake running off......
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I think the bottom line here is that her company paid for her education (MBA, not undergrad, I'm guessing). If she breaks that contract, her company may be able to sue BOTH of you, as a married couple, for the amount of her tuition that she hasn't paid back. So she's locked into her job for a couple more years, and there isn't much you can do about it. Plus it sounds like she enjoys it, so why force her to pull up stakes?

I haven't gone through what you are, but I've had plenty of friends who have. The key to their success has been compromise. Understand that she probably can't leave her job right now with repercussions, and that you bringing up the subject of leaving the state is possibly scaring her.

Ultimately, you personally are going to be the one that decides this. Which is more important, your career or your marriage. If you're intent on enrolling on an out-of-state school as quickly as possible, you're going to have to accept the fact that you're going to do it without her. If you want any chance of keeping your marriage healthy, you're going to have to put your out-of-state career dreams on the back burner for a few more years.
 

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Yes, you are being selfish. Follow the golden rule. She has the gold, she makes the rules. Marriage requires physical togetherness. I don't mean to be blunt but you hit a home run by getting her to agree to marry you and financially support you. There are EE colledges in every county in USA. Who would be paying for this anyway? Your best bet is to apply to an in-state school in your home state.
 
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